phenomanon
Canyon
I really like this book. I have a copy of it. It helped me recover from the dark place I was in after I left scientology.
My biggest regret is not having had children. I gave my best fertile years to a cult, and a strange marriage. I live with this regret every day. It has taken enormous (primal depth) grieving to get this under some sort of control. I really really wanted children. I've had terrific support from professionals as I have tried to work through it. It's an ongoing process, and I accept it may be with me for the remainder of my life. I do my very best to ease the ache deep inside and allow myself to weep when I need to.
A few years ago I did some volunteer work with hospice. I listened to the dying speak of their regrets and saw the anguish in their eyes. It changed me profoundly. Also the journey of my mother dying made me aware of many things I had previously either not been aware of, or had taken for granted.
I've made some very conscious choices about how I am going to live my life. I try to not hold back even when I feel like shit and utterly vulnerable. I have made many mistakes the first 50-odd years of my life and I have no illusions I may make more mistakes. Because of the huge mistake I made on not having children I try to be tender with myself and face whatever the hell is going on in my life with as much robustness as I can muster.
None of this is perfect, black and white, or easy. xx
Glenda, which feels better: having no children, and hence no emotional ties to them, or having children who tell you to your face that they are happier without you in their lives?
I dunno. Pretty easy to see what I regret: the ways I raised my kids. I regret my entire worthless life. Sod it.
The sun is shining today. The birds are going nutz.
Mr Eagle swept in early this am and is sitting in the top of the 80' Fir tree out in front of my house.