Glenda
Crusader
You know there is kind of a fine line for me between not fearing death and wanting death. I do tend to blame Scn for some of these issues I had pre Scn. It made them much much worse though.
I often wonder if I had something bad physically to me if I would have the will to live now. I ask myself the question why do we want to live? Much of it for me is for others for my family it wound hurt if I was gone. Really that is probably the only reason I am alive now. It is not healthy, you need to live because of yourself because you want to, not because of someone else. I have worked through many of these isuues and I am living for myself mainly now, no thanks to Scn.
I was going to post in Glenda's 10 year thread but it will be OK here. I was really never indoctrinated into Scn but it dam sure took a lot away from me . It took me away from myself. I had trouble knowing what I felt or thought. I think death would have been preferable. W/O including Hubbard's ideas and making them your own you are left with nothing if you are erased in processing. In a way you are dead. I have never fully came back to life after this death. I do think my recovery was easier because of this lack of Scn ideas. I can relate to what Glenda says. With someone like her you have to first unlearn and then learn yourself again. I only have to learn myself again. Simpler said than done. It is hard to raise the spirit from death to life. In a way it may have been better to have been indoctrinated as you were never dead, there was always life.
The ramblings of an insane mind. LOL
I think I totally get what you mean. It takes away so much of the essence of an individual. It takes away their beauty and their uniqueness. You end up with all these happy-clappy clone-like people, with emptiness in their eyes. I was dead inside as a true-believing scientologist. I had become a person that no longer had original thoughts of my own, that behaved in ways that were all aligned with the scientology system. I could not see that. I had been trained not to. The walking dead, with shallow smiles on their faces. Pawns in a nasty cruel sick game.
Reconnecting with my true inner self, with life with all its greyness and uncertainty was an extraordinary process. Painful, joyful, and every other damn thing in between. The big questions like "who am I, really?" and "why did I sell my soul like this?" were not easy to answer because they are so intimate and isolating. No one can answer them other than self. I guess for me, commitment was key. I committed myself to becoming loyal to experiencing myself without external influences. I'm not sure that makes sense.