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Sallydannce's Story

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In present time

Gold Meritorious Patron
My mother doesn't really have anything in particular. She has suffered several strokes, has crippling arthritis, and other maladies that make her life a bucketful of pain. It fascinates me (in an upsetting way) that the rest of the family has thrown her away. She is "no use" anymore. I don't know what I am looking at here... there are no time factors or anything like that. It is just a day to day (struggle?). I do struggle, because it is nerve-wracking. She will fall if I take my eye off her for a second. Sometimes the falls are quite serious. It is not hard for falls to be serious, because she is so frail. Purple witnessed one of these. Mr. IPT was right there, I was just in the bathroom... hurrying fast like you do when your stats are down! Anyway, I am just whittering. I haven't done her nails in a long time. I seem to only have so much energy. My mother is not that responsive, in an odd way. And the only approach I can take without completely wearing myself down is to be very effective.(And yes, that is an old bit of my Scientology indoctrination.) To anticipate every need. I feel I really lack in connecting with her emotionally. This week I hired a physical therapist to come three times a week. She is such a sweet and lovely woman named Anna. I hope Anna can give, what I just don't seem to have the energy left over for.
 

AnonKat

Crusader
My mother doesn't really have anything in particular. She has suffered several strokes, has crippling arthritis, and other maladies that make her life a bucketful of pain. It fascinates me (in an upsetting way) that the rest of the family has thrown her away. She is "no use" anymore. I don't know what I am looking at here... there are no time factors or anything like that. It is just a day to day (struggle?). I do struggle, because it is nerve-wracking. She will fall if I take my eye off her for a second. Sometimes the falls are quite serious. It is not hard for falls to be serious, because she is so frail. Purple witnessed one of these. Mr. IPT was right there, I was just in the bathroom... hurrying fast like you do when your stats are down! Anyway, I am just whittering. I haven't done her nails in a long time. I seem to only have so much energy. My mother is not that responsive, in an odd way. And the only approach I can take without completely wearing myself down is to be very effective.(And yes, that is an old bit of my Scientology indoctrination.) To anticipate every need. I feel I really lack in connecting with her emotionally. This week I hired a physical therapist to come three times a week. She is such a sweet and lovely woman named Anna. I hope Anna can give, what I just don't seem to have the energy left over for.

You are an angel
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
My mother doesn't really have anything in particular. She has suffered several strokes, has crippling arthritis, and other maladies that make her life a bucketful of pain. It fascinates me (in an upsetting way) that the rest of the family has thrown her away. She is "no use" anymore. I don't know what I am looking at here... there are no time factors or anything like that. It is just a day to day (struggle?). I do struggle, because it is nerve-wracking. She will fall if I take my eye off her for a second. Sometimes the falls are quite serious. It is not hard for falls to be serious, because she is so frail. Purple witnessed one of these. Mr. IPT was right there, I was just in the bathroom... hurrying fast like you do when your stats are down! Anyway, I am just whittering. I haven't done her nails in a long time. I seem to only have so much energy. My mother is not that responsive, in an odd way. And the only approach I can take without completely wearing myself down is to be very effective.(And yes, that is an old bit of my Scientology indoctrination.) To anticipate every need. I feel I really lack in connecting with her emotionally. This week I hired a physical therapist to come three times a week. She is such a sweet and lovely woman named Anna. I hope Anna can give, what I just don't seem to have the energy left over for.

Sweetheart, I hear ya. I suspect I may have some understanding of your struggle. And yes, let us not pretend, it is a struggle. And very exhausting, which all the very best loving sincere wishes from others doesn't seem to ease. Possibly you just wish you could have a day - a week, a year - to yourself, and freedom from the subsequent guilt for feeling that way. Possibly you have said to yourself - or someone you really trust - "I just want MY life back! What about me in all this!" and then swallowed your guilt as you forced yourself to fold the washing or some other vital task. Just tell me if I am wrong here. I have no need to be right, none at all.

Please take a warm hug from me. I could not do what you are doing, that day-to-day hands on care. I totally admire and respect you.

I will write more when I get a bit of time - I'll try and share a few "handy hints from the trenches". :flowers:
 

In present time

Gold Meritorious Patron
Sweetheart, I hear ya. I suspect I may have some understanding of your struggle. And yes, let us not pretend, it is a struggle. And very exhausting, which all the very best loving sincere wishes from others doesn't seem to ease. Possibly you just wish you could have a day - a week, a year - to yourself, and freedom from the subsequent guilt for feeling that way. Possibly you have said to yourself - or someone you really trust - "I just want MY life back! What about me in all this!" and then swallowed your guilt as you forced yourself to fold the washing or some other vital task. Just tell me if I am wrong here. I have no need to be right, none at all.

Please take a warm hug from me. I could not do what you are doing, that day-to-day hands on care. I totally admire and respect you.

I will write more when I get a bit of time - I'll try and share a few "handy hints from the trenches". :flowers:
I do feel that way. And find it ironic that I had only "growed" up my two daughters. Much to my delight, they went out on their own together. PERFECT. They had eachother, and things are working out for them. Well, that is the most important thing to me. As long as they are okay. But, I guess I did think there would be some sense of freedom after they left.
Even as I am writing this I feel guilty and whiny:/ I have no idea why.

It isn't as if I haven't chosen this. I have.
I compare a lot. Even though it is common knowledge that comparrison never works out.
But, this is the opposite of raising a baby. Although the tasks are similiar. It is a depressing job. I know she isn't going to get better, or grow up and become something unexpected.

And there isn't any help.

Some days I just fantasize about having a kitten, something young and new.
I need to feast my eyes on creation.

And as I type this, it may as well be written in stone. This message will probably outlive me.
That is uncomfortable too.

I am sure there are plenty of angels. I worked at caregiving for years before now. But angels need space I think, to be perfect. The close up ones are full of flaws.
 

JustMe

Patron Meritorious
this is almost too difficult for me to read.
surely a sign of great writing.
but really, i am crying.
i can't do this, i have to be stronger.

I am so with you IPT, as I sit here in tears reading all this.

It is so completely beautiful. Sallydannce you have touched us deeply with your love.

Your sharing of your moments with your mother, your feelings and your thoughts is helping us all grow in the gentle kindness of it all.

Thank you so much Sallydannce for letting us share this wondrous, if painful, journey with you.

Know that you and your mother are with us in our hearts right now.

I love you. :rose::love8:
 

JustMe

Patron Meritorious
Sweetheart, I hear ya. I suspect I may have some understanding of your struggle. And yes, let us not pretend, it is a struggle. And very exhausting, which all the very best loving sincere wishes from others doesn't seem to ease. Possibly you just wish you could have a day - a week, a year - to yourself, and freedom from the subsequent guilt for feeling that way. Possibly you have said to yourself - or someone you really trust - "I just want MY life back! What about me in all this!" and then swallowed your guilt as you forced yourself to fold the washing or some other vital task. Just tell me if I am wrong here. I have no need to be right, none at all...........

Sallydannce and IPT I cannot pretend to know all that you are going through right now.

While not comparable to both of your struggles, I have spent some time with my mother where I could not truly be myself and do what I so very much wanted to do, needed to do. And I too felt the guilt of wanting to feel free of the obligation, of the struggle and have some time, any time, for what I desperately wanted to do in life.

And reflecting on what you both have written it makes me think that there is one thing about all this that I do know, even though I forget it from time to time. And I want to share it with you both.

It is not your desire to be free of the obligation and pain and have a life you desire that defines you. For we all wish for personal happiness and an inner peace.

I think what defines you is doing what you are doing for your mothers despite your yearning for your own inner peace.

Good Goddess but how your stories and your love move me!
 

Winston Smith

Flunked Scientology
Sallydannce and IPT, I hesitate to add my experience to both of your stories. My mother suffered from Alzhiemer's disease for some dozen years before she passed. She was in a good facility, which is different from your circumstances, I know. I feel at a loss to know what to say to you both...it is heart wrenching and you are handling it with grace.
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
Rest in Peace Mum

My mother passed away peacefully today.

She began her great journey with inspiring dignity and courage.

She was surrounded with love, compassion and kindness.

Rest in peace mum. I love you.

:rose: :rose: :rose:
 

wazn

Patron with Honors
Re: Rest in Peace Mum

:bighug:
My mother passed away peacefully today.

She began her great journey with inspiring dignity and courage.

She was surrounded with love, compassion and kindness.

Rest in peace mum. I love you.

:rose: :rose: :rose:

:( May love surround you! Peace. :bighug:
 
Oh, my dear...I'm so glad it was a peaceful passing for her, that is a blessing, but I'm so sorry for your loss. Gentle hugs for you, sent with Love! :rose:

Our Mothers fill such big roles in our lives. Grateful that you had the free time "out" of the Cult to spend with her. Be kind to yourself at this sad time.

mary-and-eucharist.jpg


Now, the whole wide world will Mother you! That's how it works when our Mothers move on... look for it, and I'm sure that you will see this expressed in your life, as I have.
 

I told you I was trouble

Suspended animation
Re: Rest in Peace Mum

My mother passed away peacefully today.

She began her great journey with inspiring dignity and courage.

She was surrounded with love, compassion and kindness.

Rest in peace mum. I love you.

:rose: :rose: :rose:


Thanking for sharing this sallydannce, maybe it's time to take some extra special care of yourself now.


:heartflower::heartflower::heartflower::heartflower::heartflower:
 

The_Fixer

Class Clown
How sad. I hope you are at peace Sally.

Now she will never leave you.

Are you OK?

So many of us here are here for you. Just ask.

Edit: I'd be so proud to have someone like you as a member of my family.
 
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JustMe

Patron Meritorious
I'm so sorry for your loss Sallydannce.

I hope that you always remember the love that you gave your mother in the end and how you so much helped her die in peace.

There is no greater gift one can give another who is passing on.

You did it Sallydannce. And now I pray that you too can find your peace as you go through your grief.

Please know that you have a huge family here on ESMB who you have touched with your love and who cares for you very much. And for sure know you have at least one sister up here in New Hampshire who loves you dearly.

:rose:
 

JBWriter

Happy Sapien
Sallydannce and family,

At this difficult time, please accept loving, warm wishes from all who offer them to you; rely on every kindness, every strong shoulder, every opened heart...your own strength has earned it's honorable and rightful rest.

With respect,

JB.
 
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sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
Strong and sad

I am truly grateful for your love and support. Thank you so much.

Am I okay? Honestly? I miss her so much. I am so busy at the moment with funeral preparations, sorting out the family home so that the extended family can gather there, making tonnes of phone calls to family and mums friends, etc, etc, but… when it is quiet and still, I find myself missing her in a way I had no idea I would. Sometimes my naivety astounds me.

A couple of mornings ago, one of the wonderful nurses asked me how I was. I thought about it and then said “I feel sad. I feel strong”. She reckoned that was a good combination.

I am strong. I am sad. And really tired. And peaceful.

Mum is on her great journey. There is a full moon in the sky tonight to celebrate her sweetness - and to guide her.

:rose:
 
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