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Sallydannce's Story

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Purple Rain

Crusader
Re: Rest in Peace Mum

My mother passed away peacefully today.

She began her great journey with inspiring dignity and courage.

She was surrounded with love, compassion and kindness.

Rest in peace mum. I love you.

:rose: :rose: :rose:

You and your mum are both inspirations to me, Sallydannce. I'm glad that her passing was peaceful and that she was surrounded by warmth and love. I know how my mum was after my gran passed away - so difficult to lose a mother. You and your mum have taught me how much every moment does count. I look at my mum differently now. I am thankful for you and your mother and I wish you healing and peace and a brave new life as you go forward now. You may feel very alone at this time, but you are so loved by so many people here. I wish I was able to be there to bring you a casserole or hold your hand or do something useful. I feel very powerless. I know I am across the other side of the world, but is there any way I can help?
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
The letters

I am catching up on sleep and getting my appetite back. I have commenced the legal proceedings to honour mum’s last wishes. I am taking it one day at a time.

I was out at mum’s today and decided to box up the papers in her desk. I plan to go through them at a much later date. But I peeped into her world as I placed everything into a box…

She kept everything. It was fascinating to glance through her school work from when she did correspondence schooling in the 1930s. And there was a chocolate box – with letters from me to mum and dad when I first got into scientology in 1987. I had no idea she had kept them though I had found a few other letters a year or so ago when I was going through some stuff with mum.

I couldn’t bring myself to read them all, so just read a random sample. One envelope I chose had some photos I had sent to mum and dad. Taken in 1986 and 1987, they brought back a tidal wave of memories. Some photos were taken in the Auckland org when I did my first lot of training. Others are taken in the first days we started the mission in Christchurch. I look so young, so fanatical.

Another photo was taken the year before I got into the cult and I’m all dressed up at a wedding. I remember I loved the dress I wore! The bride got shitfaced. The assigned bridesmaids didn't seem to notice that their bride was about to either do some table-dancing or bolt from the wedding in a blaze of alcohol-induced emotions. So somehow I ended up in the ladies with the sobbing bride.

In an attempt to resurrect her “blushing bride look”, I gave her some lipstick, pointed her in the direction of the mirror and firmly told her, “Get yourself back out there! You are the bride and he REALLY loves you!” Actually I had zero idea if he loved her - I’d only met him briefly and rarely spent any time with them as a couple - but it seemed like the right to say in such a crisis. I happen to know that all these years later they are still very married, with a terrific family of their own. A funny memory I enjoyed today.

Also in the chocolate box of letters are draft letters written in pencil by my father. I have not read them yet. I know I did receive some letters from dad in my early days in the cult. For dad to have written me letters was remarkable. It was mum’s “job” to do the letter writing – as was very usual for that generation. Dad was very worried about my association with scientology so took the time to write to me to try to stay connected to me.

Finding the box of letters was quite confrontational and in other ways very reassuring of how far I have come these past few years to undo all that was instilled into me by the cult.

How do I feel about it all now?

The cult years have been integrated into the “new” me and I am mostly at peace. I just wish like mad I still had the dress I wore to the “drunk bride” wedding! It was a glorious timeless simple elegant dress! Very 1920s.

p.s. If I had my scanner working, I’d post the photos. They are good for a giggle!
 
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Purple Rain

Crusader
Re: The letters

I am catching up on sleep and getting my appetite back. I have commenced the legal proceedings to honour mum’s last wishes. I am taking it one day at a time.

I was out at mum’s today and decided to box up the papers in her desk. I plan to go through them at a much later date. But I peeped into her world as I placed everything into a box…

She kept everything. It was fascinating to glance through her school work from when she did correspondence schooling in the 1930s. And there was a chocolate box – with letters from me to mum and dad when I first got into scientology in 1987. I had no idea she had kept them though I had found a few other letters a year or so ago when I was going through some stuff with mum.

I couldn’t bring myself to read them all, so just read a random sample. One envelope I chose had some photos I had sent to mum and dad. Taken in 1986 and 1987, they brought back a tidal wave of memories. Some photos were taken in the Auckland org when I did my first lot of training. Others are taken in the first days we started the mission in Christchurch. I look so young, so fanatical.

Another photo was taken the year before I got into the cult and I’m all dressed up at a wedding. I remember I loved the dress I wore! The bride got shitfaced. The assigned bridesmaids didn't seem to notice that their bride was about to either do some table-dancing or bolt from the wedding in a blaze of alcohol-induced emotions. So somehow I ended up in the ladies with the sobbing bride.

In an attempt to resurrect her “blushing bride look”, I gave her some lipstick, pointed her in the direction of the mirror and firmly told her, “Get yourself back out there! You are the bride and he REALLY loves you!” Actually I had zero idea if he loved her - I’d only met him briefly and rarely spent any time with them as a couple - but it seemed like the right to say in such a crisis. I happen to know that all these years later they are still very married, with a terrific family of their own. A funny memory I enjoyed today.

Also in the chocolate box of letters are draft letters written in pencil by my father. I have not read them yet. I know I did receive some letters from dad in my early days in the cult. For dad to have written me letters was remarkable. It was mum’s “job” to do the letter writing – as was very usual for that generation. Dad was very worried about my association with scientology so took the time to write to me to try to stay connected to me.

Finding the box of letters was quite confrontational and in other ways very reassuring of how far I have come these past few years to undo all that was instilled into me by the cult.

How do I feel about it all now?

The cult years have been integrated into the “new” me and I am mostly at peace. I just wish like mad I still had the dress I wore to the “drunk bride” wedding! It was a glorious timeless simple elegant dress! Very 1920s.

p.s. If I had my scanner working, I’d post the photos. They are good for a giggle!

Oh, I'd love to see your photos!

I'm glad you're settling back into the rhythms of normal life. How wonderful that your mum kept all those things! What precious little treasures they are - those little windows into your past and your world seen through your parents' eyes.
 

afaceinthecrowd

Gold Meritorious Patron
I had not looked at this Thread until today.

Sallydannce,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you knew your Mum would pass sooner than later but know this...Your Presence, Love and Heart were a Timeless Gift to your Mum, a Giver not a Taker. May the Blessings of the Universe Be With your Mum, Always in All Ways and, With You, Dearest Sallydannce. :rose::rose::rose:

For your Mum...



For Sallydannce...

May Peace Be With You and Your Family. :yes:


Face:)
 
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Purple Rain

Crusader
I had not looked at this Thread until today.

Sallydannce,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you knew your Mum would pass soon than later but know this...Your Presence, Love and Heart were a Timeless Gift to your Mum, a Giver not a Taker. May the Blessings of the Universe Be With your Mum, Always in All Ways and, With You, Dearest Sallydannce. :rose::rose::rose:

For your Mum...



For Sallydannce...

May Peace Be With You and Your Family. :yes:


Face:)

That was so beautiful, Face.
 

afaceinthecrowd

Gold Meritorious Patron
My dear brother passed away 5 years ago. He was an avid flyer and superb pilot. He flew his WWII surplus Reconnaissance plane all over the US and Canada. It was his passion and hobby as was singing Gospel and Barber Shop Quartet, He had a beautiful voice. His Funeral Service ended with everyone singing, "I'll Fly Away."

I'd like to "Share the 'Moment'" with Sallydannce, her Family and all Y'all.


Face:)
 
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sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
Re: The letters

Oh, I'd love to see your photos!

I'm glad you're settling back into the rhythms of normal life. How wonderful that your mum kept all those things! What precious little treasures they are - those little windows into your past and your world seen through your parents' eyes.

I shall scan the photos when life settles down and I can make sense of "scanner tek".

I have her doll which she saved up her pocket money for in 1937. It was her only doll. There is a wonderful story about the doll. It was with her all her life - wrapped up safely in brown paper, in a box, in a high cupboard, when we were kids. We were allowed to "look but do not touch". A few years ago I took the doll to a toy hospital and had its limbs re-elasticated to its body. I presented it to mum re-limbed, with a new dress. The doll has sat in the dinning room on the sideboard since then. It was with her when she took her last breath.

Purple I feel so rich. In ways I never knew existed. :flowers:
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
I had not looked at this Thread until today.

Sallydannce,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you knew your Mum would pass sooner than later but know this...Your Presence, Love and Heart were a Timeless Gift to your Mum, a Giver not a Taker. May the Blessings of the Universe Be With your Mum, Always in All Ways and, With You, Dearest Sallydannce. :rose::rose::rose:

For your Mum...



For Sallydannce...

May Peace Be With You and Your Family. :yes:


Face:)

Thank you Face. :flowers: I cried when I listened to the beautiful music you gifted here.

It has been the most exquisite month of my life and the most intense and the most transforming. I am often lost for words. Whenever I think of her (which is often) my eyes fill with tears and I smile. And I swear she is smiling right back at me. I am the woman in the town driving along with tears running down her face, smiling.

How sweet peace is. How soft this love is, and how powerful. I slept beside her (in a big chair) the last night - or more accurately I tried to sleep. I sensed every breath she took, every tiny movement she made. I watched the nurse do his checks of her throughout the night. I was relaxed and connected to her in a way that books (& others) don't even come close to describing.

In the morning I went and got my cat, Fummy. There were stunning moments of love and connection as they said their good-byes to each other, using only touch and their eyes.

I held her hand as she took her last breath. There was nothing but love and pure kindness between us. I'm not quite sure how to define what it is she gave me - there are so many many things - but I guess ultimately she showed me how to soften my heart and to truly find a meaning about life that I lacked. Everything is so different now. Everything has a new meaning, each moment feels so very real. It will take time to learn "to walk again" in my new shoes. I'm struggling to find the words here.

My heart feels so full of wonder, my mind so quiet. I am calm in a way I never anticipated. God she gave me so much!

When I look into your eyes I see a piece of myself.
When you look into my eyes you will see a piece of yourself.

Pure connection. Pure love. Pure kindness. Pure untainted compassion.

Wild fierce relentless. :rose:
 

mclovin

Patron
Sally..... sobbing uncontrollably as I write this.... you may not have the words, but there are never the right words to describe losing a loved one, ALL the words are RIGHT for YOU!

YOUR words are EXACTLY right for me and my personal experience of my mum's passing... and for that I am forever thankful!

:heartflower:

All my love,

McLovin
 

JustMe

Patron Meritorious
Thank you Face. :flowers: I cried when I listened to the beautiful music you gifted here.

It has been the most exquisite month of my life and the most intense and the most transforming. I am often lost for words. Whenever I think of her (which is often) my eyes fill with tears and I smile. And I swear she is smiling right back at me. I am the woman in the town driving along with tears running down her face, smiling.

How sweet peace is. How soft this love is, and how powerful. I slept beside her (in a big chair) the last night - or more accurately I tried to sleep. I sensed every breath she took, every tiny movement she made. I watched the nurse do his checks of her throughout the night. I was relaxed and connected to her in a way that books (& others) don't even come close to describing.

In the morning I went and got my cat, Fummy. There were stunning moments of love and connection as they said their good-byes to each other, using only touch and their eyes.

I held her hand as she took her last breath. There was nothing but love and pure kindness between us. I'm not quite sure how to define what it is she gave me - there are so many many things - but I guess ultimately she showed me how to soften my heart and to truly find a meaning about life that I lacked. Everything is so different now. Everything has a new meaning, each moment feels so very real. It will take time to learn "to walk again" in my new shoes. I'm struggling to find the words here.

My heart feels so full of wonder, my mind so quiet. I am calm in a way I never anticipated. God she gave me so much!

When I look into your eyes I see a piece of myself.
When you look into my eyes you will see a piece of yourself.

Pure connection. Pure love. Pure kindness. Pure untainted compassion.

Wild fierce relentless. :rose:

I have never read a better and more beautiful description of the absolute pure state of love I call "the Fae" described better. You and your mother were in it together :love8::love8:.

Sallydannce that was so beautifully divine.

And you took me back to my father's passing with me at his side.

Thank you Sallydannce for helping me feel that again.

No more words, just this: :kiss: + :hug: + :rose:
 

Purple Rain

Crusader
I have never read a better and more beautiful description of the absolute pure state of love I call "the Fae" described better. You and your mother were in it together :love8::love8:.

Sallydannce that was so beautifully divine.

And you took me back to my father's passing with me at his side.

Thank you Sallydannce for helping me feel that again.

No more words, just this: :kiss: + :hug: + :rose:

It's an odd feeling liking this post while you are sitting there sniffing in the next room to me.

:)
 

afaceinthecrowd

Gold Meritorious Patron
I have never read a better and more beautiful description of the absolute pure state of love I call "the Fae" described better. You and your mother were in it together :love8::love8:.

Sallydannce that was so beautifully divine.

And you took me back to my father's passing with me at his side.

Thank you Sallydannce for helping me feel that again.

No more words, just this: :kiss: + :hug: + :rose:


 

afaceinthecrowd

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thank you Face. :flowers: I cried when I listened to the beautiful music you gifted here.

It has been the most exquisite month of my life and the most intense and the most transforming. I am often lost for words. Whenever I think of her (which is often) my eyes fill with tears and I smile. And I swear she is smiling right back at me. I am the woman in the town driving along with tears running down her face, smiling.

How sweet peace is. How soft this love is, and how powerful. I slept beside her (in a big chair) the last night - or more accurately I tried to sleep. I sensed every breath she took, every tiny movement she made. I watched the nurse do his checks of her throughout the night. I was relaxed and connected to her in a way that books (& others) don't even come close to describing.

In the morning I went and got my cat, Fummy. There were stunning moments of love and connection as they said their good-byes to each other, using only touch and their eyes.

I held her hand as she took her last breath. There was nothing but love and pure kindness between us. I'm not quite sure how to define what it is she gave me - there are so many many things - but I guess ultimately she showed me how to soften my heart and to truly find a meaning about life that I lacked. Everything is so different now. Everything has a new meaning, each moment feels so very real. It will take time to learn "to walk again" in my new shoes. I'm struggling to find the words here.

My heart feels so full of wonder, my mind so quiet. I am calm in a way I never anticipated. God she gave me so much!

When I look into your eyes I see a piece of myself.
When you look into my eyes you will see a piece of yourself.

Pure connection. Pure love. Pure kindness. Pure untainted compassion.

Wild fierce relentless. :rose:

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Siddhartha

The circle is unbroken.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bRJLkNqNXI



Your Pal,

Face:)
 
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sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear".

The circle is unbroken.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bRJLkNqNXI



Your Pal,

Face:)


Oh yeah! With a heart wide open, anything is possible. :)

Playing this song LOUD (thank you, love it!). It seems I have a reputation to uphold here...

I'm at mum's as I write this. A few weeks ago I was talking to a neighbour. He was kindly keeping an eye on the security of mum's house. He told me a lovely story.

One night he got up in the middle of the night (to pee) and he could hear loud music coming from mum's house. He said it made him smile to know an elderly lady was enjoying great music in the middle of night.

It seems that when mum couldn't sleep she played loud music. I'm not sure if I should go around all the neighbours and apologise to them all - or simply continue with the tradition. :)
 

Pheryn

Patron with Honors
Sally -

I've been away from ESMB for a week or so now, but, I've thought of you and your mom often. I feel for you so much. Your beautiful and kind words have touched so many of us here. I'm sorry to hear that your mother passed. But, I'm so glad you were with her and able to aid in her passing with so much love and support and she is at peace. So many hugs for you, darling.

:bighug:

As a side note, I both wept and laughed --one of my favorite emotions-- at the thought of your mother playing loud music in the middle of the night and that sweet neighbor. It's just such a sweet anecdote.


:heartflower:
 

Udarnik

Gold Meritorious Patron
Oh yeah! With a heart wide open, anything is possible. :)

Playing this song LOUD (thank you, love it!). It seems I have a reputation to uphold here...

I'm at mum's as I write this. A few weeks ago I was talking to a neighbour. He was kindly keeping an eye on the security of mum's house. He told me a lovely story.

One night he got up in the middle of the night (to pee) and he could hear loud music coming from mum's house. He said it made him smile to know an elderly lady was enjoying great music in the middle of night.

It seems that when mum couldn't sleep she played loud music. I'm not sure if I should go around all the neighbours and apologise to them all - or simply continue with the tradition. :)

Sally, I am so sad for you, but happy you can meet this time with grace and love.

That version of the song is a great one, with great musicians, but I wish they had one additional verse, one I used to hear growing up in Appalachia:

One by one the chairs are emptied,
One by one they fade away.
Now my family is all parted,
Will they meet again some day?

As an only kid and only grandkid on both sides, and with both parents being kids of older parents, I buried most of my family before my kids were born, and this verse expresses my sadness that we all could not have met in this life.
 
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