2019 SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTIONS - - you heard it here first!

Discussion in 'General Scientology Discussion' started by HelluvaHoax!, Dec 21, 2018.

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  1. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Here's my guano prediction.

    There will be much antipathy directed at Leah Remini and the Aftermath. There will be much silliness and bullshit surrounding the Nation of Islam. There will be a huge fund drive for the release of OT IX and X.

    Oh...wait...I guess that's me looking at 2018's highlights.
     
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  2. Type4_PTS

    Type4_PTS Diamond Invictus SP

    And 2019 will be more of the same I'm sure.

    It's almost boring to make real predictions of the cult because they're so predictable.

    Here's some predictions anyways.

    In 2019 their priorities will be:

    1) Constant fundraising (despite have BILLIONS in assets)
    2) Acquisition of real estate using other peoples money (belonging to their own members, who believe their eternity depends upon it).
    3) Keeping the whales and top celebs happy (and acquiring more of each).
    4) Extracting the maximum amounts of money and slave labor as is possible out of their existing public and staff.
    5) Continue imprisonment of Shelly, Heber, and others who possess too much incriminating information.
    6) Make all members believe that OT IX and X are about to be released and will be the game changer (despite the fact they don't actually exist).
    7) Drop hints that LRH is preparing to come back. (as this is the only reason some Sea Org members and staff have stuck around).
    8) Apply LRH's "Responsibility of Leaders" as top priority. Finish preparations for move to Bulgravia.
     
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  3. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    Just in case your automatic playback stops working. :roflmao:


     
  4. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Bastard!!
     
  5. programmer_guy

    programmer_guy True Ex-Scientologist

    What? No one is going to include Scientology TV in their predictions?
    ;)
     
  6. TrevAnon

    TrevAnon Big List researcher

    My prediction is that the the 2019 predictions thread will be. :D
     
  7. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    .

    Scientology TV, in ten words or less. . .

    24 hour programming nobody watches about things that never happened.
    If Scientology is "mankind's only hope" and Scientology TV is "Scientology's only hope" to save the planet---it is very urgent that you immediately begin stockpiling drinking water and burying canned tuna in your back yard.

    .
     
  8. pineapple

    pineapple Silver Meritorious Patron

    Oh yeah? Well, I refuse to accept your condition of Liability, and I'm assigning YOU Liability for failing to include two of the most uplifting episodes in LRH's pre-scn life: Sleeping with Mongolian Bandits and Hunting with Pygmies in the Philippines! Nyeah nyeah nyeah, so there!

    [​IMG]
     
  9. Type4_PTS

    Type4_PTS Diamond Invictus SP

    I suspect that LRH found the experience of sleeping with Mongolian bandits very educational and useful in his later endeavors. :whistling:
     
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  10. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    OK. I'm gonna put out some 2019 predictions for real...not just some namby-pamby bunch of panty-waist positive postulates but what I perceive will actually take place in AD 69, on this planet.

    #1 - Ron comes back. Not only does Ron come back but he comes back with a vengeance, screaming to Teegeeak in an interstellar Bluebird motorhome, and sacks the current SP ridden program that has been taken over by the CIA and the 12 bankers and the psychs and the medicos and has become a squirrel haven of out-Tech, out-PR, out-Ethics and out of comm.

    #2 - Ron will have the Tech so laser precise that stats will shoot right through the roof and the entheta/theta ratio will rollover so fast one will actually be able to see the mass as-is right before our very eyes! There'll be so much TA action that the tone arms...not just the needles...will be a blur.

    #3 - This planet goes CLEAR! Beings will catapult so far up the Tone Scale that the mechanics of the R6 bank with all incidents will actually as is without any need to go into session. That means that every being going forward will be a Natural Clear!

    #4 - This planet becomes SO1, headquarters for the sector salvaging Sea Org! That means that the governments of Earth, the psychs, the chaos merchants, ESMB and all the rest of you R/Sing crims are terminatedly handled!

    #5 - Helluvahoax! and the rest of you J&D NCGs are routed onto an Ethics program and spend the next billion years on a clay demo of "How Joking and Degrading Almost Cost Mankind's Last Chance to Make It" while the rest of us get the show on the road and salvage this sector!

    #6 - Kirstie Alley sheds about a 100 pounds of MEST encumbrance...which gets converted into about 2 feet of vertical height and allocated to Tom Cruise and David Miscavige. Because Scientology is the only game where everybody wins!
     
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  11. TrevAnon

    TrevAnon Big List researcher

  12. pineapple

    pineapple Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hmm, what part of their anatomies does that 2 feet get allocated to?
     
  13. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    Reason: orgs are generally in the kind of neighborhoods where body routers risk having guns pulled on them by people who don't feel like being routed.
     
  14. pineapple

    pineapple Silver Meritorious Patron

    I actually heard of a case where it worked the other way: a body-router pulled a gun on a public.

    I heard the story repeated on several occasions. This girl (whose name I don't remember) was body-routing for Riverside Mission, some public dissed her, and she pulled a gun on the guy! The girl (who was noted for weird behavior even before this), was immediately routed off staff as a PR liability.

    I might have taken this for one of those "urban legend" stories, except that I believe I heard Bent Corydon repeat it, which makes me think it's probably true.

    Edit: I found the story, here:
    http://www.forum.exscn.net/threads/riverside-mission.115/page-7#post-277081
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2018
  15. Operating DB

    Operating DB Truman Show Dropout

    tl:dr (toolronhubbardish;didn'tread)

    LOL!

    Credit: Helluvahoax
     
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  16. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    .

    2019 PREDICTION:

    Due to the past decade of devastating whistleblowing against the COS (Crimewave of Scientology), cult disaffections hit critical mass--and upper level management, OTs and celebrities begin blowing at frightfully accelerating and unprecedented rates. An emergency and mandatory "COB KSW IAS VIP OT" briefing is ordered for all OT IIIs and above; however, the only people who attend the event are Tom Cruise, Louis Farrakhan and Billy Blowdown.

    COB briefs them on the "why" that stats have crashed to an all time low and states with grinning tone 40 confidence that "the war is over" and for the first time in Scientology's history he has solved the theta-to-entheta ratio problem that has heretofore prevented planetary clearing, on this planet.

    Then COB narrated them through a high-tech video presentation that showed a 4 year old L. Ron Hubbard busting broncos, piloting commercial airliners, doing cancer research by being the youngest person to ever smoke an entire carton of cigarettes in one sitting---and putting his advanced medtech knowledge to great use by saving lives as the Medicine Man of the Blackfeet Indian tribe that he was blood-brother to.

    COB then reveals that the solution to entheta and SPs "...has always been for a being to use the thetan's innately inalienable OT power to disconnect". And with that, he announces that Scientology and the Nation of Islam and The Blackfeet Indian tribe have entered into a joint venture to move all of Scientology onto the sovereign territory of the tribe's reservation. Ergo, Scientology now has its own country and no SPs can intrude nor enturbulate their safe space, thus making planetary clearing a reality.

    The Blackfeet reservation will be divided up into four (4) sectors:

    1) Blackfeet holy ground for tribe staff members' living quarters, course rooms and underground chain locker rehabilitation units. ​

    2) Nation of Islam commercial theme park, featuring Holocaust Denial museum and other fun exhibits like the "Alien Half-Mile-Wide UFO Mothership Hovering Above The White House" ride. ​

    3) Sacred Scientology Ideal Country sector where no books, magazines, TV or internet access is allowed except to link to LRH Source materials, thus eliminating all entheta and counter-intention to planetary clearing. ​

    4) Sacred Ideal Casino Sector, open to the public, under a 3-way revenue-sharing contract where the tribe, NOI and COS equally divide the "donations" from roulette, blackjack and slots and other "games where everyone wins". ​

    COB then proudly announces that Tom Cruise is promoted to the rank of COR, Chairman of the Reservation, because of his deep-rooted connection to the Indian people. Mr. Cruise takes the stage and is given a jumbo solid gold medallion that is 5.4x larger than his Freedom Medal of Valor.

    MR. CRUISE
    (tapping his fist to his heart
    with deep sincerity & gravitas)

    I think you know that I care very very very deeply about Native
    Americans. I myself was born in America as well, but that is not
    the only reason I lay claim to being a Native American. I think you
    know that I have high cheekbones and thus we can have a high
    degree of certainty that my ancestors were Indians. But, there is
    much more to my profound connection to the Blackfeet tribe. One
    of my biggest movies "Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol" provided
    large numbers of jobs to Indian production staff and Indian actors.
    I mean I think you know that I absolutely love Indian food and we
    hope to return to that great Indian city Mumbai to film the sequel.

    .
     
  17. PirateAndBum

    PirateAndBum Gold Meritorious Patron


    For guano...

    I love that song! :evillaugh::evillaugh::clapping::clapping::hattip::hattip::buzzin::buzzin:
     
  18. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    .

    I like the cover version better, recorded by Boy Ron of the group Cult Club. . .

    Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma comedian
    You J & D. . . you J & D
    Fair gaming you'd be easy if your colors were like my dreams
    Red, Green & Goldenrod offloading SPs from my get rich quick schemes





    Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon
    You come and go, you come and go
    Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
    Red, gold, and green, red, gold, and green
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2018
  19. NoIdea

    NoIdea Patron with Honors

    I predict I'll keep happily living my life outside of Scientology, not really giving the slightest shit about what is happening there.
     
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  20. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    You poor soul...near the end of the dwindling spiral...suffering in darkness and pain.
    Just kidding.