I've been meaning, or wanting, to share my story for a long time. I haven't yet. One reason is because I wrote a book and I want to wait for it to be published and rip the band-aid off all at once, even to all the people that know me in my current life (and career) that never even knew I was involved in Scientology in the first place. Once the book goes public, it will all be out there. I can stop keeping secrets. However, my book is not all about my life in Scientology. In fact, it's probably not even half of what the book is about. The book is about my absurd and tragic life and how I somehow kept my sense of humor throughout it all. I managed to climb out and survive. So it's more a book about survival and coping, finding yourself. It would've been impossible to write my entire life in Scientology anyway. Twenty years is a long time, and there were peaks and valleys. I was just 12 when I was first introduced to it. It could be a whole other book. The other reason I have not told my story is simple: FEAR. I even have fear in admitting to having fear. I don't want people that are still in (OSA) to know I still have fear, I don't want people who are newly out to know I have fear, and I don't want veteran SPs to know it either. It means that the ruse got to me somehow, and I guess it did a little. I am also in fear that I will be judged for being stupid -- that I got into it in the first place, especially because I struggled for a very long time with wondering if Hubbard was right after all. I know that it sounds ridiculous. In my right mind I KNEW it was ridiculous, but some little residual, indoctrinated bit of me kept feeling fear about this whole track story. Kind of in the same way other people might think: What if the Christians are right about Jesus and Hell? Anyway, I can't tell you everything, but I will state what I can and start at the beginning. I was lured into Scientology concepts through my older brother who was being introduced to it through a major celebrity who may or may not have been playing in the Free Zone at the time. I never walked into a church until I was a bit older and didn't really understand that there was a whole community of Scientologists in Los Angeles until I was about 16. Before that, I was reading L. Ron Hubbard books. I read many, starting with New Slant on Life, Self-Analysis, 0-8, etc, and was mostly sold on the Factors because it coincided with the beliefs I already had before then, which were pretty set in stone from ages 6-12 after the death of my great grandmother. My brother was three years older and I, of course, looked up to him, too much though. Everything he said was like the word of God. He was extremely bright and in special classes for math and science since he was very young. He understood physics and Einstein's theories, so I trusted him. My brother and all our friends (ages 14-16, and me being 12) were reading these books and thought we were some kind of OTs or something. We acted as if we had powerful secrets that no one else had access to. But finally our group sort of collided with real young Scientologists at CC and I would up getting my first auditing at AOLA from a friend that was doing an auditor's course -- the one where you audit CCHs. She was a couple of years younger than I was and she was a Clear and I was impressed with this. At first, she almost couldn't audit me. You see, I came from a pretty fucked up family background, and by 15, I wasn't even living at my parents' house. There was abuse and a lot of other problems. I also did a lot of drugs. That was why the C/S almost said "No" to me receiving the auditing. He said I may need a Purif first after we did a drug intake. But I didn't have to and we proceeded with the auditing. We did, "Give me that hand," the book duplication, and some days went by. I wound up moving into her family's house because I was on the street again. Her parents were cool about it, they were both OT7s. By the time we got to: "Look at that wall," things started to fall apart. She stayed in her auditor's valence even when we were at home together shooting the shit, which was almost like a robot. I was freaked out by this, and we were running this process five days in a row for at least four hours a day, all the while I am basically Bull-baiting her trying to get her to stop acting like a robot and bring my friend back. I did it to no avail felt like she was trying to brain wash me. Hearing the repetitive commands over and over started making me feel crazy and I thought about jumping out of the window of the third floor of the AO. I waxed on an "EP" so I could get the hell out of there, packed my stuff and "blew" Scientology for a couple of years. I still considered myself a Scientologist I just would not go into an org. I hated their rules, especially about drugs and sexuality. Funny thing was though, I'd occasionally hang out at CC with friends, but I'd never do any services or anything. It wouldn't be until some significant things happened that would lead me into the mind set of wanting to save the planet. This is Part One. Thanks for reading.