Feeling too much???

Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by acousticologist, Mar 25, 2016.

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  1. acousticologist

    acousticologist New Member

    It's been a few months since I was last on course, or even at the org. And I've avoided all things Scientology (including this forum) for the last 3 months. Just to try give myself some headspace.
    To understand what is me, and what is them.

    I've recently been overwhelmed by feelings. . I'm crying almost everyday.
    Sometimes a number of times per day. . I don't feel inherently sad. But I'm easily overwhelmed by things I see or feel.

    i heard a song today, and this girls voice so beautiful, that I wept.

    tonight I'm feeling lonely, and seeing sadness all around me. That I can't fix. And my heart is broken.

    What the hell is happening?? I'm not crazy. At least I don't think I am. But these waves of emotion are too much. . not sure if I spent years suppressing them, and making myself feel better by completing another course, or being told my needle is floating on checkouts. So nothing else in the world mattered. .,,

    aaaaarggghhh. One day at a time, right?? Sheesh. Barely feels like one foot in front of the other these days.
  2. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    If it's any consolation I went thru the same things 9 years ago, coming out of the indoctrination. I uprooted my whole life to escape from what was becoming more and more suffocating.

    I started taking yoga and one day I just began sobbing uncontrollably in front of the class. (They were very supportive, after hearing what I'd been thru.) Or a song could also set me off.

    It'll get better. It did for me anyway. It took a few years.

    It helps to get lots of sleep, even if you have to take something, an over-the-counter sleep aid or Benadryl. Get outside a lot and interact with nature. Slowly rebuild your life and take solace in the fact you are out of a controlling cult.
  3. AngeloV

    AngeloV Gold Meritorious Patron

    Sounds like you are going through a bout of depression...lots of crying. Seek out the help of a licensed therapist (NOT an auditor!).

    But I'll comment on something else you said about feeling better when you completed a course or was told your 'needle was floating'.

    This is a form of 'lovebombing' and it is an extremely powerful tool to bind you to the cult. It ensnared me when I joined at 19.

    The first time I completed the Comm course, the course supervisor announced my completion and the entire classroom erupted into applause! All of those people, pretty women, smiling and clapping for me. It felt really good!! It was an affirmation that I was a really good person....and I wanted more of it...like a drug.

    You are probably missing that feeling of inclusion and validation. DO NOT allow the cult to give that to you because it is 100% false. Stay away. Never go back into the org not matter what. Find out what other things you can do in life to give you a sense of purpose. There are lots of things and with the help of a therapist, you can find them. Good luck!

    P.S. Never go back to the org.
  4. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    Get out into the world. Go to a park and read a book. Call up a friend or two and tell them you have a need for companionship today.

    Don't sit home alone.
  5. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    I believe scientologists are trained to see everything through the standard cult indoctrination and a solid wall of "TR's" and when you start to rid yourself of it all and see things as they really are and it can be shocking, in both a good and a bad way.

    As an ex you can no longer feel confident that you have the solution for every little (or large) problem or issue, because you don't (and you never did, all you had was some tek that taught you how to avoid things and feel nothing while doing it).

    Scientology creates a robot-like person and if I were you I'd be pleased with your progress because it sounds as if you are losing the "correct cult responses" to things you see around you and you are feeling things again and being yourself.

    Emotions may be resurfacing that you had pushed down and there may be a feeling of loss and sadness due to no longer having a group of "like-minded" people to [STRIKE]lean on[/STRIKE] receive an acknowledgement from (lol) ... but those people were all robots too (I'm being harsh but it's truly the way I see the cultic personality).

    Get back into life in the real world ... and try and just accept that you are going through something that may be uncomfortable but will be well worth it in the end.

    Most exes understand and have experienced variations of what you are going through, your honesty is wonderful and may help others who are doing it hard themselves if you decide to post here when you feel up to it.

    Take care.

  6. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Could be PTSD, could be some other physical health problem, could be hormones. I've had crying jags from all three of those at one time or another.

    See a doctor. And like Enthetan says, get out with people right away. There are meetup groups just about everywhere, Google 'meetup ----------- (your town)' and I'm sure you'll find something that interests you. One of the local writing workshop groups turned out to be terrific for me. I also joined the local gym.

    I've recently found a church I like (yay) after a few visits to different ones. The preacher is down-to-earth but sharp, doesn't have his head in the clouds on some surreal mission. They're a grounded group with a great community spirit. That may or may not be for you, but taking part in a community activity of any kind is a good thing to do. Animal rescue? Feeding the poor?

    You are valuable, you are unique, but you are also human so both strong and fragile. Get busy and stay busy. Hook up with others. Look after yourself. And give yourself a big, huge hug. Just because. :bighug:
  7. Hypatia

    Hypatia Pagan

    After any traumatic or difficult event - it's normal to have delayed emotional responses. PTSD is a real condition but I think even if that hasn't been diagnosed, emotional aftermath is very common.

    So now that it's happening-what should you do? I'd say don't suffer alone. Let friends and family know what's going on. Talk to them. Of course, counseling is excellent for that but I also find an emotional support system in your daily life is key.

    I'm pulling for you and wish you all the best.
  8. Helena Handbasket

    Helena Handbasket Gold Meritorious Patron

    Dear acousticologist,

    Is your heart broken BECAUSE of the way the C of S betrayed your trust? Or is it a normal broken heart, with which you went into the Org to try to heal?

    Please elaborate. Write me a PM if you don't want to go into details here.

  9. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    Some feel crying is a release of resistance. Viewed that way, some crying could be considered a good thing.

    But, for me, I'd have to know a whole more than one post to offer more than a vague general guess at what is going with some one.

    I've cried at wedding. I've cried at movies. I've cried at the loss of a loved one - or even realizing how much I love my partner.

    Perhaps crying is " normal " ( whatever that is ) in what considers " OK " ( whatever that is ) to do & Not OK in what one considers ( somehow ) excessive.

    True for most things like sex, eating talking, sleeping, laughter ?
  10. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    I sometimes cry several times a day at videos showcasing a beautiful singing voice, or some book or movie etc. No personal sadness or other "bad vibes" involved: it's just my physical reaction to emotion stirred up one way or another.

    When younger I used to be glad that movie theatres are dark and other people couldn't see my tears. Now I don't really care. :)

    I'm not trying to discount crying generally, just saying that it's not necessarily bad or a sign of emotional instability or something.

  11. RogerB

    RogerB Crusader

    Some sensible posts above . . .

    Basically, as we now know, most of what Hubbard put out for us to believe is misleadingly false.

    What is actual is the case that one can have mood responses at various levels to many different things . . . The Japanese even have a thing they call "cry for happy."

    And, of course, one can be cast into a low mood; anger of grief, at being betrayed or caused to lose something that had some perceived value.

    One simple handling that one can apply for oneself is the following:

    Ascertain what might have caused the mood . . . though this is not imperative as the actual next steps will restore you to cause over the mood and freedom from it.

    Articulate exactly the mood or feeling.

    Then run:
    a) "What part of (the mood) are you willing to experience?"
    b) "What part of (the mood) would you rather not experience?"

    Alternate these to a win then run:

    a) "What part of (the mood) are you willing to create?"
    b) "What part of (the mood) would you rather not create?"

    Alternate these to a win.
  12. TheOriginalBigBlue

    TheOriginalBigBlue Gold Meritorious Patron

    Scientology teaches us that things can be fundamentally changed very quickly with the right policy or tech, a cog, working through conditions or amends, etc. Maybe in some cases this is true but overall I think it indoctrinates people into a mindset of unrealistic expectation and false assumptions.

    In real life some things take time, maybe a lot of time, and it just is not possible to make a correct assessment until time has been allowed to reveal the variables and unintended consequences.

    Time is an essential component to resolving problems and sometimes we need to make a deliberate decision to allow it to run its course.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016
  13. Operating DB

    Operating DB Truman Show Dropout

    All this talk about feeling too much brought to mind about a recent uncontrollable crying episode I had listening to Joni Mitchell's 2000 version of Both Sides Now. The song appeared in a heart breaking scene with Emma Thompson in the movie Love Actually. I remember the song from 1969 but never really listened to the lyrics until after I saw that scene and looked up the song online. I was never a lyric person - I always just liked the sounds of music. Joni's 2000 rendition really hit a nerve in me. The orchestral arrangement is ethereal and her emoting plus my interpreting the lyrics reached something deep inside of me and the floodgate of tears let loose. The lyrics seem apropos in regards to time wasted in the cult.

    I just thought of another time I started crying spontaneously while at work busing tables. I had recently escaped the cult. It was like tears of loss but something better being gained - freedom. Another time I started uncontrollably crying when I was talking about my father's death who had died many years previous.

  14. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    Well, I just do not at all in any way shape or form agree with your post. Why ? All it takes to change anything mentally is just change ones mind about - and that takes less than an instant. All one has to do is change their mind, period.

    It does bear out that one gets what one thinks about, so, if someone it telling themselves that it takes " time " to resolve something then, by golly, it IS going to take time.

    Time is sort of interesting. Time exists right now. can't go back in time - that is just memory of the past. Can't go forward in time as it hasn't yet.

    So, I buy there is time as right now, period.

    But for those who want things to take place over " time " so be it, but, one change the way on thinks or feels about something in less than an instant.

    . . . . and I can change my mind about changing my mind - LOL !
  15. strativarius

    strativarius Inveterate gnashnab & snoutband

    Two songs that never fail to reduce me to tears. Eva Cassidy singing 'Over The Rainbow' because her rendition is simply so beautiful, and Gary Moore's 'Johnny Boy' as I'm reminded of my dearest friend John who passed away some years ago.


  16. Leon-2

    Leon-2 Patron Meritorious

    Yep. :thumbsup: Goes for me too.
  17. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Are you saying that you have left scientology now? Did something happen that made the world look different and perspectives shift a few degrees?

    We kinda call it "cracking open the bubble" and in truth it can be a momentous life change. Depending on how long you were ‘in’, the coming to terms with ‘out’ can take a while. One of the first reactions is the release of emotions that we have held onto for so long. The whole subject of “withholding” in scientology means that normal emotions like anger, sadness and even real joy can’t be expressed because they are “HE&R” or “case”.

    When I really and truly knew it was over for me and I could never go back, never wanted to go back, I cried for weeks. I cried at anything, happy or sad and even walked around with a towel instead of tissues. You have to find which way is up, start to find out who you actually are in relation to the world and other people. It can be intense - and it’s OK. Go with it, feel those emotions and let them go on their way. It was once described to me by a Native American medicine woman as “emptying out the bad to allow the good to come in.” This process can repeat for years, and it does gets shorter!

    Yes it’s a good idea to get out and about and talk to others but if that’s not what you feel like, then don’t do it. There are times in life you just need to be still and quiet with yourself, let the feelings come and go as they will until one day you get up in the morning and the whole perspective has changed. You start to trust your own feelings again, make decisions without questioning them from a hundred angles in case they ‘get you into trouble’.

    Take your time. Many here have been through it, some more intensely than others. At some point professional help is good, if you find someone who understands the depth and complexity of having survived a cult. Share as much or as little as you need, (keeping in mind anonymity) there are many helpful people here who understand.
  18. Free Being Me

    Free Being Me Crusader

    Listen to what Free To Shine says, acousticologist. She speaks the truth. $cientology is an indoctrination of emotional denial. The tone scale, HE & R, no case on post, so-called "case," dissociative "auditing," are all unsavory cultist repressive control mechanisms.

    What you're experiencing is normal and healthy. Many of us who've delved into cult recovery discover our internal emotions reawakening as we've peeled the $cientology cult onion. Here's a book by Karla McLaren, The Language of Emotions. You can take a peek inside the book through the link deciding for yourself if it interests you. If not, Google and your local library are your friends with plenty of books about psychology, emotions, and cult recovery for the choosing like Steve Hassan's books for example.

    Wish you the best and remember, you're not alone.
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
  19. Miss Ellie

    Miss Ellie Patron with Honors

    I agree that depression MIGHT be an issue... have had that off and on through the years. It can also run in families, if there is a family history you might be part of that pattern.

    Everyone has a different way to cope... yoga, outdoors, volunteer work, nature, cleaning the closets and drawers. Don't sit by yourself and "over think" it.

    Now is the time to go find where you want to be in the world.

    List five things you want to do... go do them. Then list five more... repeat until you realize that the sciobots were not the first thing on your mind in the morning or the last thing before you went to sleep.

    When you need a hug drop in here and let us know. We can love bomb with the best of 'em.

    :clap: :clap: :happydance: :happydance: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
  20. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    And there are some - like me - that agree crying is also a release of resistance.