May 5, 2010
The Church of Scientology announced today that hundreds of their
Volunteer Ministers have headed toward the huge oil leak in the Gulf
of Mexico to help clean up the area.
Heber Canholder, spokesman for the Volunteer Ministers, said today
at a press conference in Clearwater, Florida that they are steaming
toward the area in their own ship, The Free Winds. They have been
assigned a particular task, he said, by the National Guard.
"Our ministers are fearless, and though we are not marine
specialists, we will faithfully carry out this important task," he
said. Canholder explained that the VMs will be wearing specially
designed "collection suits" made of material similar to the famous
"shamwow" towels seen on TV commercials. "When we reach an area in
the gulf that is thick with oil, we will jump in and swim around for
15 minutes. Then we will jump on board and use the specially designed
oil collection device to wring the oil out of our suits." This should
collect millions of barrels of oil within just a few days, according
to Canholder.
When contacted about this new method of oil collection, Coast Guard
spokeswoman Captain Mary Sue Cashgiver said "well, the Volunteer
Ministers called us several times a day demanding that they be put to
work." She said that since they had no particular training to help
with the leak, "we put our heads together and worked out this idea
after watching some late-night TV. It should keep them busy and can't
hurt," she said.
Another reporter asked whether this method of oil collection could
be dangerous for the Volunteer Ministers. For instance, a cigarette
might ignite one of the suits. "I don't think that's a problem," siad
Cashgiver." These are religious people and I'm sure they don't even
smoke."
The Church of Scientology has 20 million members in the Gulf of
Mexico area. They are known for their "touch assists" which help let a
person know if they can feel anything. They are also known for their
South Park episode which shows "what Scientologists actually believe."
The Church of Scientology announced today that hundreds of their
Volunteer Ministers have headed toward the huge oil leak in the Gulf
of Mexico to help clean up the area.
Heber Canholder, spokesman for the Volunteer Ministers, said today
at a press conference in Clearwater, Florida that they are steaming
toward the area in their own ship, The Free Winds. They have been
assigned a particular task, he said, by the National Guard.
"Our ministers are fearless, and though we are not marine
specialists, we will faithfully carry out this important task," he
said. Canholder explained that the VMs will be wearing specially
designed "collection suits" made of material similar to the famous
"shamwow" towels seen on TV commercials. "When we reach an area in
the gulf that is thick with oil, we will jump in and swim around for
15 minutes. Then we will jump on board and use the specially designed
oil collection device to wring the oil out of our suits." This should
collect millions of barrels of oil within just a few days, according
to Canholder.
When contacted about this new method of oil collection, Coast Guard
spokeswoman Captain Mary Sue Cashgiver said "well, the Volunteer
Ministers called us several times a day demanding that they be put to
work." She said that since they had no particular training to help
with the leak, "we put our heads together and worked out this idea
after watching some late-night TV. It should keep them busy and can't
hurt," she said.
Another reporter asked whether this method of oil collection could
be dangerous for the Volunteer Ministers. For instance, a cigarette
might ignite one of the suits. "I don't think that's a problem," siad
Cashgiver." These are religious people and I'm sure they don't even
smoke."
The Church of Scientology has 20 million members in the Gulf of
Mexico area. They are known for their "touch assists" which help let a
person know if they can feel anything. They are also known for their
South Park episode which shows "what Scientologists actually believe."
