Hello, I appologize in advance for the long post. I get verbal dierrah, and I have a lot of pent up stuff to share (almost 30 years of pent up questions, feelings and bagage), please bare with me. I grew up in Scientology, I do not remember ever considering myself a scientologist, my Mom was. My sister is, as is at least one of my brothers. I searched my sister's name and found this site, was reading a couple threads, and saw some inaccuracies. I also saw there are people on here who I may have grown up with. I guess I'm looking for an understanding, closure, I'm not exactly sure what to be honest. But I feel so alone because I still have family in Scientology, I still love them and I miss them. I miss the poeple who were in my life one day, and gone the next (too many to count really). Recently old wounds have opened and I need to find a way to handle them. I thought if I reached out to those who may have had similar experiences it might help. I live in a city where there are no Scientology centres and most people have no idea what scientology is, so feeling isolated with this. I grew up at 349 West 48th street New York, New York in the 80s. My mom was the treasurer for the CLO on 46th street, just down the block from Ho-Jos and times square. My mother was declared in 1988, and shortly after my sister disconnected from us (she was kept in with our step-father (at the time), while my brothers went to live with their father and step-mother, and my mother and I left not only Scientology, but the city, state, country) I lost my whole world then, after it had been disappearing slowly for years. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not whining or complaining. In 1986, when LRH died the whole feel of Scientology changed, it seemed less tolorant of children and lost so much of what it was. I have lived a much better life after not being part of the world of Scientology then when my mother was in it. Since leaving my mother never really spoke about Scientology, my family still in it or anything really before moving accross the continent to a new world, new life, new everything really. If I were still in that world my youngest child would never have been given a chance at life (presuming any fetus would have been in this new Scientology). But like it or not, I am who I am and the way I am because my life has been touched by Scientology. I use words others do not understand, because I forget they are Scientology words/meanings such as Theatens, or going Clear and OT or if I say someone's a wog, I get the look. I am as resilliant as I am, partly due to Scientology; and though I know Scientology is not all good, I have had to deal with some pretty nasty stuff in my life, some ugly things have happened but the evils that man does is just that. I don't need to chase the demons. I was taught to look for the beauty and take the best from it and hold onto that. Unfortunately there's an awful lot that require the looking for the silver lining of the situation. You know, the bright side, the blessings in disguise. I need to reconnect to my past in order to really "get over" it, to move past it and "contacting" the pain doesn't always work ... As I don't want to be a Scientologist, because I could never accept that life is a punishment, even if I take away all negitivity from my childhood and all the pain etc. I don't want that life, which means I need to find what I need elsewhere. Life is beautiful and wonderful and it's worth not only living but embracing. Clear or not.