New, grew up in Scientology (NYC), trying to peice things together.

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Tuppence, Sep 18, 2017.

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  1. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron


    I appologize in advance for the long post. I get verbal dierrah, and I have a lot of pent up stuff to share (almost 30 years of pent up questions, feelings and bagage), please bare with me.

    I grew up in Scientology, I do not remember ever considering myself a scientologist, my Mom was. My sister is, as is at least one of my brothers. I searched my sister's name and found this site, was reading a couple threads, and saw some inaccuracies. I also saw there are people on here who I may have grown up with.

    I guess I'm looking for an understanding, closure, I'm not exactly sure what to be honest. But I feel so alone because I still have family in Scientology, I still love them and I miss them. I miss the poeple who were in my life one day, and gone the next (too many to count really). Recently old wounds have opened and I need to find a way to handle them. I thought if I reached out to those who may have had similar experiences it might help. I live in a city where there are no Scientology centres and most people have no idea what scientology is, so feeling isolated with this.

    I grew up at 349 West 48th street New York, New York in the 80s. My mom was the treasurer for the CLO on 46th street, just down the block from Ho-Jos and times square. My mother was declared in 1988, and shortly after my sister disconnected from us (she was kept in with our step-father (at the time), while my brothers went to live with their father and step-mother, and my mother and I left not only Scientology, but the city, state, country) I lost my whole world then, after it had been disappearing slowly for years.

    Please don't get me wrong, I'm not whining or complaining. In 1986, when LRH died the whole feel of Scientology changed, it seemed less tolorant of children and lost so much of what it was. I have lived a much better life after not being part of the world of Scientology then when my mother was in it. Since leaving my mother never really spoke about Scientology, my family still in it or anything really before moving accross the continent to a new world, new life, new everything really.

    If I were still in that world my youngest child would never have been given a chance at life (presuming any fetus would have been in this new Scientology). But like it or not, I am who I am and the way I am because my life has been touched by Scientology. I use words others do not understand, because I forget they are Scientology words/meanings such as Theatens, or going Clear and OT or if I say someone's a wog, I get the look. I am as resilliant as I am, partly due to Scientology; and though I know Scientology is not all good, I have had to deal with some pretty nasty stuff in my life, some ugly things have happened but the evils that man does is just that. I don't need to chase the demons. I was taught to look for the beauty and take the best from it and hold onto that. Unfortunately there's an awful lot that require the looking for the silver lining of the situation. You know, the bright side, the blessings in disguise.

    I need to reconnect to my past in order to really "get over" it, to move past it and "contacting" the pain doesn't always work ... As I don't want to be a Scientologist, because I could never accept that life is a punishment, even if I take away all negitivity from my childhood and all the pain etc. I don't want that life, which means I need to find what I need elsewhere. Life is beautiful and wonderful and it's worth not only living but embracing. Clear or not.
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  2. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Cleared Tomato

    No need to apologize about making a lengthy post, we all like to read. :) Thank you for your story. Welcome to the forums. :fromme:
  3. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank You
  4. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Am I the only one, who as a child noticed a distinct difference in Scientology before LRH's death and after?

    The changes probably started a couple of years before he died, but those seemed slow, and then after he died there were huge changes all the time.
  5. Emma

    Emma Mother of Dragons Administrator

    Hi Tuppence, welcome to ESMB.:welcome:
  6. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank you Emma
  7. TrevAnon

    TrevAnon Big List researcher

    Welcome Tuppence!

    I'm sure some of the exes here (I was never in) can relate and share their experiences.

    You give quite detailed info on where you lived. You may want to edit your post if you wouldn't want anyone finding out your real name. Just a thought. :)
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  8. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank you for the concern TrevAnon. I am hoping to connect with someone(s) who may have been there at the same time.

    I have no interest in bashing Scientology, I am more looking to reconnect, hoping to heal and all. My mother was one of many CLO members who lived there at the time. She was not the first declared and I suspect she was not the last. But if anybody really, REALLY wanted to identify me, I'm sure they could do so quite easily.

    I understand Scientology monitors this page, and I am also aware just reading some of these posts could land me on their list of enemies, but I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I am also aware they can make life difficult, but if they really want to know who I am, they're going to find me. I feel I have nothing to hide. Have I been critical of Scientology? Yes, I feel so much has been lost to Scientology, in the name of policies, but I feel one would be hard pressed to find someone who has lost as much as I to a group, organization, religion, cult, or what have you that doesn't have both good and bad feelings about said affiliation. I want to heal, I want to leave the negitivity behind and implement the good I can take from my teachings and live my life happily.

    If they want to declare me, then they're going to find an exucse to do so, but I need to do this for me, so I can heal for the want of a better word.
  9. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Cleared Tomato

    Tuppance, I once sat where you did. I'm not saying you are going to change your views about the group, but after many years out and piecing together what happened, or let's say, my experience in all my years I was in Scientology, I slowly unpeeled layer after layer of various forms of untruths and manipulations despite little wins and all my great friendships. And, it started with what you noticed in the changing of the tech just before and after Hubbard died. I was also scared of getting declared for poking around on - at that time - ARS - which is the equivalent to this forum today. I figured OSA knew who I was. Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but who am I to think I was all that important really? There are a lot of people that left and have written books and have not been harassed. They come after a specific type of enemy.

    The thing is, even if you are an apologist for Scientology, or have "nice" things to say about them, any ex-Scientologist that speaks out publicly anonymously or otherwise in any capacity is an enemy and is fair game. That's just how they see you. Having been in, you should know that. Are you cool with that policy? That's Hubbard's policy, not DM's. You will always think twice before you can publicly criticize them from out of the shadows. That is true suppression.
  10. hummingbird

    hummingbird Patron with Honors

    Hello, and welcome Tuppence! I could feel the sadness in your opening post. It takes a long time to emerge, plus your situation is complicated by loved ones still in. You will find many comrades here, maybe some fairly local to you. My time here has been healing, just knowing I wasn't alone. I wish you all the best.
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  11. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank you, that is my aim to heal, grow and accept what I cannot change.
  12. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    I would like to repeat, I was NOT a scientologist, my mother was, I am aware just signing up on here gets me labeled an SP. My limited understanding of "Fair Game" is that ANY SP is fair game, anybody in touch with an SP is fair game and guilty by association hence disconnection. As my mother was declared and I WILL NOT disconnect from her, I thereby think I am also declared an SP. I am not sharing the good vs bad Scientology does or does not do, nor am I saying nice things in hopes they don't fair game me, I am trying to peice things together for me. This is my gift to myself. After all I've been through and all I've lost I am facing the reality that those who are still in Scientology (even thogh they are family and I love them) don't know me from Adam.

    I have thought a long time about talking with my mother about scientology, and to this day she has a very hard time talking about it, but I have questions, I would like answers, I want to get past this block and the pain and just EVERYTHING about it, this is my first step. I'm not ready to even internally critisize Scientology, but I am ready to admit some of the things I have endured were not and are not okay. Again, what I've been through I do not blame on COS but the individuals who did it. That is where I am at, and I respect where you are coming from. I feel it takes a great deal of currage to challenge the foundations of your core self, but for me, I need to be able to heal.
  13. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Cleared Tomato

    Tuppance, I respect where you are coming from and I didn't realize you were never in. I apologize for coming on so strong and hope you will forgive me. I w ant you to heal too!:rose:
  14. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    I feel you have no need to appologize, I should have made myself clearer. Ofcourse I can forgive you, mainly because I feel there's nothing that requires forgiveness. I think most people on here have come here with the hopes of eventually healing, processing all that has happened and trying to forgive themselves as much as coming to terms with EVERYTHING.

    Clearly you have some very strong feelings, but you had (from my guess) been much farther down the rabbit hole than I. I got the little kids gloves as I was a child when I was there. I never signed the contract and I didn't say I was a scientologist. I had always known I would not be in scientology when I grew up (even told my sister when I was 8, I wasn't going to be a scientologist), did not know what was going to happen or how. I always had a respect for life in a way that did not consist of it being a punishment.

    I had been contemplating sucide when I was in my teens, but then a voice in my head told me not to let "them" win, that's what kept me going for a very long time.
  15. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Cleared Tomato

    Thank you for extending your heart back to me. I appreciate it. I am very sorry that you had such a hard time in your teens. I too have been suicidal and very depressed while being a Scientologist, which as you might know, just doesn't jive with the program. I had to hide so much of myself from my friends and my group(s). It was not easy and I don't even know what or how I found inside of me to keep me from offing myself. I am glad you found the strength not to do it. :)
  16. TheOriginalBigBlue

    TheOriginalBigBlue Gold Meritorious Patron

    I think the origins of the Church's current formal or tacit policies on children can be traced back to LRH in general over the course of his lifetime but the major turning point was probably in 1976 with the PAC Cadet Org eval. This is covered extensively in several threads but I think the 1981 Eval is particularly interesting for the explicit way it portrays children more as property of the Church and parents as a kind of institutional opposition to Church interests. This is a common theme in LRH's correspondence regarding child care at Flag also. They were beginning to require that Sea Org staff CSW to have children under LRH and approval of course would have been based on stats, a review of ethics folders for transgressions vs commendations, value to the group, ie. cold calculating bean counting, etc. Banning children eventually was an inevitability. The cost, disruption to productivity and liability of supporting children in their early years before they could be put to work was just unacceptable to LRH. In 1976, LRH would be dead in 10 years and I think he was becoming aware of his own mortality. His window for amassing wealth and stamping his name in history was closing - children had to go. DM was in the CMO, working closely with LRH, already in 1976 and he would have been increasingly more familiar with this progression as Gale, and other Messengers around him and on R traffic that he would be managing for LRH as Messenger On Duty, tried to handle the deteriorating situation as best they could with limited resources, limited authority and resistance directly from LRH himself. We should not be surprised that he would emulate LRH's attitudes about this and take it to a whole new level as he was virtually raised with them.

    What is astounding is how anyone could think that this was all DM's doing and LRH had nothing to do with it. The poor Scientology public can be so naive.
  17. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome !
  18. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    No it does not jive with clearing the planet. and it doesn't help as a Scientologist working so much and not getting enough time to fulfil ones self. My mom used to work from 8 am to midnight Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, then from 8 am Thursday to 4 am Friday, then start again at noon on Friday until Midnight. Sunday morning was always cleaning, laundry and inspection, then she would work from Noon to Midnight again for the rest of Sunday. When you're not working you're on course, and there just isn't any time to really reflect on life, yourself etc. at least that's the way it seemed to me when I was a child.

    My mom still won't talk about scientology, the loss of my siblings or any of it, hence I have started searching elsewhere for some answers and to understand it all. Try to see if what I understood then is in fact what was being taught, or if I had remembered differently.

    When did I get to see my mom you may ask, well for 1 hour we had dinner and then for 1 hour afterwards we had family time everyday. That was when my mom would read to us.
  19. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank You
  20. strativarius

    strativarius Inveterate gnashnab & snoutband

    Hi Tuppence and welcome to esmb. I'm sorry I haven't read all of the posts in this thread so I might have missed something, but have you thought about telling your mother about this message board?