New, grew up in Scientology (NYC), trying to peice things together.

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Tuppence, Sep 18, 2017.

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  1. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Miss Ellie,

    Thank you, I have reached out here, with the hopes of healing and accepting things as they are, rather than holding out hope for something that may never happen.

    The reality is; even if (I'm sure worse case sinario in their opinions) they were to be declared and forced out of Scientology; they probably would not contact me for anything even though I would be all to pleased and happy to help. I would love to be able to reconnect with them, but that's honestly (I now see) not likely to occur.

    I have to face this fact, no matter how much it hurts even after almost 30 years. But that's what nobody can take from me, is my love for them. No matter how long it's been.

    I think you may be right, there are bigger fish, with much more knowledge (more up-to-date too) than I have, and though I feel the way I do about scientology, the fact is my siblings are still in, it is their lives, my older sibling has always ate drank and breathed Scientology from the beginning, and like me, it was a world she was born into. I know at least one of my youner siblings is in, and if OSA is constantly checking on here, I REALLY don't want to make their lives more difficult, even though they have nothing to do with me, even now. It's why I haven't used my name to post (but with the realization that if they really wanted to, they could probably get the information as to who I am and who my siblings are). Still trying to get my head around the whole thing.

    Good conversations with my mother would be nice, I could probably get my questions answered there, but in the whole time she's been out, she has refused to talk about Scientology with me at all. Not a word, and I think it's to keep the possibility that when she dies then maybe my siblings can reconnect with me. Even when she's had her health scares and the possibility of only having a year left to live, still refuses to talk about anything to do with Scientology. I know there's a lot of pain around it for her too (more because of my siblings than Scientology itself), but I need to heal and understand stuff she doesn't want to or isn't yet ready to talk about. I also think there's A LOT of guilt she's trying to deal with and though I have tried to show her I do not blame her at all, my understanding that she did what she thought was the right thing, she still will not talk about it. Not with me anyway.

    The rest of the family, know nothing of Scientology, they can't give me any answers either. Her family all lived in essentially a Scientology free area of the world and so, even now I find a lot of people who don't know what Scientology is, never heard of it. So they are not much help; I'm sure if they could they would like to help, but they would not have any answers anyway. Thanks for the encouragement though. I have thought of it, many times over the years and tried many times with my mom. I have decided, when she's ready she will talk with me.

    I have always been acutely aware, that just as I lost my entire world, my mom lost all her friends too, she had also lost her children and a husband to scientology. She is the only one I think who can truely know what I've been through, and how I felt/feel. We should be each others support for this, but I think she's still trying to protect me, trying not to influence me in any way and so is keeping it to herself. I have told her I've been searching out information on Scientology, hoping it helps her understand this is still a wound that hasn't healed. And as I keep bringing it up, I know that she knows I would like to talk about it still.

    I may not like the answers I learn, I may find out things I find more hurtful, but unless I try to find this all out, I will not have closeure, I will not be able to deal with it all. I don't know if I'll find peace with it, even if I get that closure, but if I don't look and all then there's no chance for it at all.

    I appreciate the ear, the answers and the support. I even appreciate some of the toughness (apparently pushed some buttons) I was greated with. I will attempt to listen, absorbing information like a sponge (if I understand where and how it relates to the big picture), I will continue to ask questions that I cannot otherwise ask, and I will try to lend support to others as well. Gotta share the love <3 One of many things I'm good at :)
     
  2. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank you for the welcome, Type 4

    I grew up with a couple of Gambino's who went back and fourth between Boston and NYC! Not sure what happened to them, I believe they (or rather their Dad - don't remember Mom being around ever {no judgement, didn't seem odd at the time either}) were still in COS when my mom was declared. There were so many of us Sea Org kids, and we were all (well, almost all) pretty colse.The older children looked out for the younger group of children. When I read their last name, it brought me joy, and my heart skipped for a moment. I remember them fondly. In truth, I remember pretty much all of them fondly.

    I hope it continues to help you, and that you can continue to connect with old friends on here. If I'm allowed to be a little selfish too, I would be very happy if I could do that too. I hope I can also be of some help to others on here. It would be really nice to be able to give back to those who need the support too.
     
  3. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Patron with Honors

    Support is always welcome. I find that I need it quite often, personally. So I wouldn't turn it down. :)
     
  4. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron


    I think we are all stronger togeather.

    Hugs
     
  5. Type4_PTS

    Type4_PTS Diamond Invictus SP

    I didn't really know any of the Gambino kids, but Joan was our CO for Boston Foundation prior to her joining the Sea Org and moving up to New York. She had held the post of Program's Chief, probably amongst others when she was up there. Her husband, Rich Gambino had been our Bookstore Officer for years, and while he went up to NY as well, I don't know if he ever joined (or was qualified for) the Sea Org. I had no idea whether the two of them are still together or not. But last I knew Rich was on staff at FCDC org:
    https://whyweprotest.net/threads/miscellaneous-emails-from-washington-dc-org.52266/#post-1081297

    I liked them both back then when in, despite Rich selling me books back then I couldn't afford, but wish them both well. I hope that they'll eventually realize the nature of the organization they're working for isn't what they signed up for.
     
  6. Miss Ellie

    Miss Ellie Patron with Honors

    Continue to love them... and leave the door or window open a crack. You never know when someone will softly say "I am here". So many of the "old timers" are/were so scared of speaking out against the "church". Your mom is dealing with things the best she can... I am sorry it does not include open conversations with you.

    Hang in there - and continue to heal.
     
  7. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    It it not in my nature to stop loving those I have loved unless provided a good reason; religion is not a good reason in my opinion. My mom is processing things th best way she knows how, and when she's ready I believe we will be able to talk aobut it. Until that day comes, I need to find another way to start the healing.

    Thank you.
     
  8. Churchill

    Churchill Gold Meritorious Patron

    Hi Tuppence. Do I understand that you grew up in the berthing at 48th Street. I was around NYO during part of the 80"s and possibly knew your mother.
    What was it like for you as a child, if I may ask?
     
  9. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Hi Churchill,

    It's quite possible you knew my Mother if you were housed on 48th street too.

    Being born into Scientology had it's ups and downs, but I feel the same could be said for any childhood. It was different than what the kids at school would be talking about. At the time there wasn't a Scientology school for us to attend just yet, we were all going to PS 111, for Pre-K through, part way through my accademic training NYC did start to school the children on the second floor of 48th street; but that was near the end of our time there.

    I went from being told I was lazy in school to some real accademic wins. Went from being harrassed and bullied because I my mother was a Scientologist to that not being an issue. We as children all celebrated each other's wins, as the "School" was just starting up, we helped each other (kind of like what you would see in a Montessori School) and scaffolded each other to make the whole stronger.

    We had to write our O/Ws if and when we got sick, we were expected to "write KR"s for as long as I can remember, If you didn't know how to write, you did this by informing another adult who was supposed to be your scribe and from there you went. I can recall haveing to explain my "I hate this..." statement, because there was a KR about that, but I was being critical of my own work and took it down and restarted it. Some one overheard me say "I hate this..." and smash my clay demonstration. I don't blame anyone for it, because we all knew even thinking something critical was not acceptable, they wanted more positive talk even to oneself.

    I had wonderful friends though, we did things that to this day I think back on and it makes me very happy, but then there are other things I recall, and I have to make sense of it now, because I didn't understand it then and still don't. There are other things that were very tramatic that happened, which I need to heal from and this is my first step in doing that. Repressing it does not mean it's healed. Ignoring it is not healing, and only now am I learning things about my childhood that I have always known and thought nothing of it, but that they were not okay.

    I have been told I am TOO honest, (didn't realize that was or could be a problem), I have been told I have an overdevleoped sense of responsability, over developed sense of guilt etc and these things apparently started to develop when I was a child. If you need an example of the guilt and responsability, I feel guilty because my cervix did not open to allow my youngest daughter to be born the usual way. I still feel responsible for the injuries to her brain that were caused.

    But Scientology has helped to make me the person I am today, for better or worse, Scientology did help shape everything about me, my astounding resilliance, my unwillingness to lie (even by omission), my accountability, a lack of being able to give simpathy (it comes accross as condesending), my ability to empathize with people, my lack of acceptence of excuses, everything. I have character flaws, but I think we all do, and when we see them, we have a choice accept it or try to change it.

    It was rough in some ways, as we were expected to work and help out here and there, but we were expected to "do or do not, there is no try" and as we struggled to do our best we were not supposed to be seen or heard. I recall some of the most fun was in acting as a "go for", was easy to make a game out of it. I hated having to try and sell th books. HATED it, I was very shy, and was more into the moving rather than standing still. Even working in the galley was preferred to selling. I took pride in the table settings and varrious napkin foldings I did to set the tables in the CMO mess (CLO tables didn't get set, or served, they grabbed their own plates and cutlery). But working in the galley with Carlos meant that we were able to request some of our favorite foods like the disca's he would make. They were so good!
     
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  10. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    Thank you,

    You are all very kind

    Thank you Lurker5
     
  11. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    I'm sorry, I don't recall their names. I thought their Dad was Jon, and named his son Jon as well, I recall Jenny (the Daughter) was very unimpressed with dresses. She seemed to like NYC much better than Boston, I don't think either of the children liked having to go back and fourth.

    Like my mother, their parents were working ALL the time! What little time we had with our parents were spent as a family unit, and not with the extended family of our friends and their parents.
     
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  12. Mest Lover

    Mest Lover Not Sea Org Qualified

    Hello, welcome,

    Sounds like we may know eachother or i know of things that you experienced.

    I was security chief clo eus 1989 to 1991.

     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2017
  13. Mest Lover

    Mest Lover Not Sea Org Qualified

    I can tell you when I found this board and started posting my healing began.

    My nightmares of them coming to take me back stopped and I wasn't scared to talk about my time in.
     
  14. Mest Lover

    Mest Lover Not Sea Org Qualified

    While i was at clo eus richie, joan, jon and jenny all lived at clo eus but richie wasn't SO. He worked at nyo and would go there every morning about 7am.

    Joan was programs chief clo eus. Jenny was cmo about 1990 till i left in 1991. Jon was taken care of by the nannies.

     
  15. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    You may know of things I expierenced, my mother was delared in 1988, this does not mean we don't know each other, if you want to PM me, I would be okay with that.

    Thank You for the welcome
     
  16. Mest Lover

    Mest Lover Not Sea Org Qualified

    I was there from august 1988 to feb 1991. I wrote some declares and comm evs but not until i was posted as sec chf in 1989.

    Oh yah and Carlos' cooking was incredible.

     
  17. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron


    Did you ever get to try his Diskas?
     
  18. Mest Lover

    Mest Lover Not Sea Org Qualified

    Don't know what those are.

     
  19. Tuppence

    Tuppence Patron

    They are meat filled disks of delishiousness. They are spanish in orgin, but I cannot find them ANYWHERE! They were SO GOOD! His lasagna and a lot of his other foods were amazing!
     
  20. Mest Lover

    Mest Lover Not Sea Org Qualified

    Don't recall him making those while i was there.

    Locally to me currently there are Brazillian stores that have similar sounding items. Look for Brazilian stores near you.

    Carlos was a Columbian native.

     

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