Hi Everyone! I can't believe that it's taken me this long to join an ex-Scientologist forum, but here I am. I just finished watching episode 0 of Season 2 of Leah Remini's brilliant A&E Scientology special and was reminded of just how little I know about how this "church" works, in spite of reading about four long non-fiction books on the topic. I am now 30 years old and was raised by a (thoroughly brainwashed) Scientologist father and a passive and complicit but non-Scientologist mother in the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm fortunate because my mother always protected me from the evils of Scientology, even when she was doing the health rundown (to appease my father) and had me go into the sauna with her. However, I have never really known either of my parents and always felt like a bit of an "orphan" since they are selfish people (narcissistic, that is). My dad got into Scientology back in the '60s so I'm pretty sure that I'll never be able to get past the dumb, bland and programmed responses that I've been getting from him my whole life. My mom's almost the same even though she never approved of Scientology (for financial reasons). Neither of my parents got the appropriate mental health treatment for what I understand to be Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder (two illnesses that I have needed to learn to overcome myself) so for as long as I've known them they've pretty much just idled around the house in their free time wasting away, doing practically nothing and having basically no social life. It's very depressing and I'd always label it in my head as a sort of "half-suicide" back when I lived at home but, of course, I never said this. I only started to heal from my own mental illness the moment I moved out at age 22. I wonder, has anyone else here grown up with a Scientologist parent who basically never mentions it as a gesture of respect to their non-Scientologist spouse and children? I was never, ever proselytized and we always operated on this bizarre "don't ask, don't tell" unspoken agreement. Is this in keeping with the rules of Scientology? Lately, I've been having dreams where I break the silence and tell my father flat out that Scientology has ruined his life (which I would never say, but I wish I could if only it would turn off the automated responses). I often wonder, though, if I said something critical about Scientology would he disconnect from me? What would happen? For so long I've basically felt, in a way, that I have no parents because I had to learn all of the important self-care, social skills, professional skills, etc.. on my own. I need to limit my interaction with them to once a month or less or else I fall into a depressive mood and it just messes up all that I've been able to build up since age 22. My life is actually really great (good job, good health, and solid finances... at least by millennial standards) and it's because my parents gave me what they were able to and I appreciate them for it, especially when I hear the heart-breaking stories of people who grew up in Scientology who had decades of life stolen from them. But I know that not having a healthy relationship with my parents has really screwed with my ability to have a solid emotional foundation. (I had a 5 1/2 year codependent relationship in my early 20's and have since learned how to grow out of those bad habits, but I still feel like I'm always a few steps behind others in a lot of ways and often depressed for no reason due to my crazy parents.) I often wonder how I can unravel the mystery of all the silence, all the distance. What's going on in their heads that they're not talking about? Does anyone here have more insights than I do and have any guesses? Any feedback would be helpful. Thank you in advance!!