Dad, you're gone, you're really really gone. And I miss you, so so much! I just awoke from a very upsetting dream in which I was trying so hard to reach you. Calling out into abstract darkness, I shouted "dad, dad!" but you did not answer. It has been 6 years since my father disconnected from me. Day-to-day I am able to carry on, but in dreams like the above, it all comes back to me, even with the passing of time. I am diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder that stems from the process of leaving the Scientology corporation and the enforced disconnection of my father. He might never talk to me for the rest of his life. I could have kept my mouth shut and stayed with him, but I know that would not have been the right thing to do. I still remember the day my declare was official. It was the weekend, and my father was at the Toronto Foundation organization studying. Two HCO staff came to the house and showed me the declare, asking me to read it while holding tightly onto it to make sure I didn't take it from them. (I think their tight grip on the paper was actually more revealing of their awareness of wrongdoing than it would have been if I had obtained it and shown it to the press). Then later that evening, my father arrived home in a really sad state. I remember how he told me that I would have to leave, he was almost crying. I was really close to my dad. I lived with him from birth until being recruited into the Sea Organization for two years, and for a year following that - until the disconnection. I felt more than just a father-son connection. There was a sense of alliance where I wanted to help him as much as he helped me. When we were tight on money, I refused to ask him for new things or even a weekly allowance, so that he would have the best chances of paying off debt. I never imagined life without him. It happens often that I wake up from a dream about my younger years, only to realize that he isn't there anymore. My father really didn't want to lose me. Even after he discovered that I was using the ex-Scientologist forums, he was still willing to be there for me, and to allow me to live under his roof. He never ratted me out to Scientology, and I was only declared after OSA found out through their own Internet monitoring activities. Despite his allegiance to Scientology, he didn't report to them about me and that showed his true love for me. That's what makes this disconnection such a tragedy. I could have kept my mouth shut. I could have stopped visiting the forums and never ordered Nancy Many's book or Marc Headley's book, I could have pretended to be a good little Scientologist and I would have been able to maintain living with my father. He probably would have helped pay for a university education. There were a lot of 'smart' reasons to keep my disaffection from Scientology a secret. But, as I told the reporter for Macleans' magazine in a coffee shop one day, I ask myself it it would have been right. The answer is always no.