Pixie
Crusader
Yeah, I know what you mean.
And I just read your previous post above. Crikey! Bleedin' 'ell! and Gawd 'elp us!!!
The wonderful thing about not being in Scn is not having all that insanity and stress and being pushed continuously to get on course, do your auditing, get your sec checks, come into the org for yet another ultra important super duper event or briefing. Get your stats up, pay more money and then pay some more money and then pay some more money into a bottomless snake pit of IAS, Superpower, library donations (ad naseum) regitrarswho never give up, never go away.
Phew, thank god, I don't have to do that anymore. It is great to be in the real world and to feel part of the human race again.
But - and for me this is really a big one. I still feel that I'm only pretending to be a "normal everyday person". That's not how I feel. It's really hard to communicate when I have such enormous withholds from so many people.
My attention is very much on the fact that half of my family is disconnected from the other half of my family and innocent grannies and grandchildren and cousins and friends cannot meet because some of them are still in contact with others that others are not supposed to be in contact with. Some are still sort of in, want to be out, but can't say so because they'll be disconnected from others. One or two are pretending to be in and swearing others to secrecy about it because of their children. Some did a basic course or two many years ago and are not sure if that counts, and don't dared call anyone's attention to it because they might be declared for talking to who they shouldn't. It's utterly mind boggling!
And how in the world can you possibly talk about all the crazyness that one has experienced in the church, like the incident that you described. Would one be believed? It's no bloody wonder that I end up being very quiet and awfully polite. When really, I desperately want everyone to know about it and understand the full implications.
Wow!!
A girl after my own heart. You duplicate my feelings exactly. One of the reasons I've not been able to write is because a lot of what I went through does in fact sound so unbeleivable, it's true, and what happens here is that I'll start to write something and it comes out in spurts then I stop myself cos I think no they're going to think I'm making this up. This was ll written up over a period of four years to Int Managment and independantly to McSavage and of course I got no reply. Also, the time lines are shot to hell and it is confusing even for me but yesterday I remembered where the trauma started so it's coming together. I am still heart broken you see, I have nightmares and very weird thoughts. I've not read anyone else having this amount of 'fall out' so I just keep quiet but sometimes.. like when I read Norton's name I just typed and typed. But sure, perhaps we ought to start a thread like that although most here sound pretty sane compared to what's still going on in my head regarding the 'church' and my experiences in it.
It's bloody hard going I don't care what anyone says and yes Mary you are so so right, a lot of it, for me anyway, is pretending to be normal and I think that's why I am now so ill. A lot of the data you get in there DOES mess with your head for sure and you just don't know what's real anymore. So thank you so much for that acknowledgment. It IS hard to believe that two Sea Org members can turn into animals in the middle of one of the busiest streets in London and kick your car over and over again in full view of the public. I remember screaming at my husband to phone the police, but we were both too afraid. I mean can you imagine that? Too afraid? Afraid of what?? We'd already been verbally declared.. I still don't get it.
Banging on the bonnet of the car, over and over again, then kicking the door in and the screaming. I can honestly say it was the scariest thing I've ever felt in my life. Their eyes were bulging with temper cos we wouldn't get out of the car. And screaming, 'what did you do to pull this in'? Insanity? Insanity itself gone mad.
Then two years later Perry told me we were being used as 'heads on pikes'! Heads on pikes for what? For asking why there was squirreling going on?? And as I said, it was the tip of the iceberg. I know some day I'll have to get this all out of my system, it's not like I'm 'carrying' it around and don't want to let it go, I do, so much, and I don't hate these people, I understand them more now, but for sure I hated them then.
Oh here we go, it's just too much emotion for me to deal with really. Thanks Mary... 
