As I rejoin this board on my vacation from work, I've had a chance to catch up and noticed a few things about ex-Scientologists' behavior when they are in the process of dealing with deprogramming from the cult. I'd be interested if anyone else can relate to what I have to say, because based on Marty's recent posts and the things he's saying, he seems to be following maybe a similar path. I remember being really pissed off... not just at CoS, but the critics too. I remember at one point I was even comparing the critics to the CoS mind-control structure because I felt like I was getting crucified over on ARS for not believing everything they said. I remember after that, everyone was convinced that I was an OSA-op. I was also making a bunch of,... let's say,... "off-colour" or "distracting" posts on ARS. I realize now that a lot of this was anger, frustration, and hurt under the surface against the Org that I was trying to keep myself from coming to terms with. In the process, I was unintentionally, but also intentionally sidelining conversations and topics. However, I knew there was something that I was missing which is why I chose to stick around until I was referred to ESMB by Kilia and Fluffy (where are they now, anyway? ) Anywho, speaking from my own experience, I posted a bunch here when I first joined back in 2007. It wasn't until I received some great advice from popsweeny (whatever happened to him too? ) after a couple of months here when he said it might be best for me to take a vacation from talking, thinking, or reading about Scientology for a while and return to it with a more level-headed approach. I just needed to dry out a bit, and you know what? He was 100% right. I was too emotional and confused. My head was much too clouded for me to truly understand what the heck to believe and why. I was trying to figure everything out overnight and that led to some pretty crazy conclusions. My mind was changing almost every day. For those of you who remember, that was why I was in, then out, then in, then out,... I was even listening to Barb Schwarz over on ARS for God's sake, I was so screwed up and spinning trying to make sense of it all. Every hour a new reality was appearing and I was in a hurry to deal with everything. :mindblow: It became so much so, that I actually became numb to a lot of it or whitewashed it. There was just so much to take in. Once I stopped posting on ESMB regularly, I'd occasionally see something in the news about Scientology, come back here, lurk a bit, do some reading, and in the end, come to my own conclusions. After that, I'd return to my vacation. Now, I can honestly say that I have my own perspective now, and I feel like I can stand on my own, whereas before I felt like I was being pushed and pulled in all different directions. It's been 6 years since the CoS has stopped "reg-ing" me, and I haven't given them a dime since... or a nickel... or even a penny for that matter! Plus, even if I talk to them, they won't talk to me anymore. :confused2: I also remember after I first left how paranoid I was about new people I'd meet finding out that I was a Scientologist. I moved to a completely different state and started a brand new life. I kept quiet because I didn't want any Scientologists KRing me. I didn't want them to know where I was, and I still don't. So far, I've been successful in this. However, I've since found out that it was a needless to keep Scientology a deep, dark, hidden secret. I thought that if people knew, I would be crucified again like I was on ARS. But enough of my keying-in and valencing, let's talk about all of you! 1. Has anyone else had some kind of a similar experience with deprogramming from the CoS? 2. To my fellow ex-Scientologists, do you think it's all ? Or just certain parts? If only certain parts, which parts? 3. Did you take your wins with you even after leaving Scientology? 4. Did you have a big "aha moment" that caused you to blow or was it a collection of various small things that finally resulted in a blow? Please feel free to leave your material recommendations as well (especially for the big aha moments). I'm genuinely interested. For me, I finally started waking up after I read this and something snapped inside: "IT IS A HIGH CRIME TO PUBLICLY DEPART SCIENTOLOGY." And this: "PUBLIC DISAVOWAL OF SCIENTOLOGY OR SCIENTOLOGISTS IN GOOD STANDING WITH SCIENTOLOGY ORGANIZATIONS." I've never stopped using actual Scientology practices, though.