Reconnecting with an old childhood friend who is still a scientologist

Discussion in 'General Scientology Discussion' started by KnowledgeIsPower, Nov 27, 2017.

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  1. Hi there,
    I haven't been on this site for some years now since leaving scientology. I was born and raised in scientology. When I left scientology, I was very open about my thoughts on the abusive culture of scientology. Shortly after, I was shunned by all of my scientology friends that I grew up with. At the time it hurt a lot. But it doesn't really bother me anymore, due to the fact that I never really felt that I had a compassionate relationship with any of them - not the kind of friend that would have your back and support you in times of need. I never felt that I could rely on any of them and there was a lot of snitching between ex cadets. Now days if I pass by any of the ex cadets, they walk past me as if I was thin air - very bizarre sensation.

    I did have one best friend that I grew up with. I've known her from the age of 2. Recently, I've reconnected with her, but her insensitive comments and lack of situational empathy has become more and more unbearable. I tried to confront her with that and told her that I didn't appreciate the way that she was speaking to me and that it was very hurtful. She then told me that I was ''sensitive'' and ''enturbulating''. Her comments were extremely hurtful and cold. Then she wanted to disconnect the friendship. I tried to convince her that I didn't think it was fair on me to just drop me like yesterdays socks and that it's not right to treat people like that. I managed to keep the friendship. But her comments have since then become nastier and colder with time, and also using vulnerability to deliberately hurt me. The abusive nature in the way that she speaks to me is very unbearable, despite me walking on eggshells trying to maintain a friendship that's abusive in nature. I've never had a friend (non scientologist) that speaks to me in such a nasty fashion. It disturbs me deeply and has literally made my body shake from the shock of the way that she speaks to me and treats me. It gets to a point where it really disgusts me.

    So, I've come to terms with the fact that I just don't think it is possible to maintain a friendship with a scientologist because the reality on companionship, love, and empathy is just too far apart and by me trying to hold on to such a friendship is just hurting me more than doing any good. Unfortunately, I think the brainwashing with time has made her a very cold person. But also, being away from that environment for so long might have contributed to me ''forgeting'' the very abusive nature of scientology, so I might have not realised at the time how abusive it was.

    So I'm just curious to hearing about others that have tried to reconnect with old scientology friends. How did that go?
  2. ThetanExterior

    ThetanExterior Gold Meritorious Patron

    Sounds like she's applying ethics on you. I can't be bothered to look up the reference but I seem to remember that speaking to someone like that is supposed to make them raise their ethics level. Obviously it isn't working on you.

    I haven't got any scientology friends. I was declared and I've had no contact with any scientologist or scientology organization for years. That suits me just fine. I can recommend it.
  3. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

    I wouldn't put up with a 'friend' who treated me abusively. :no: Just walk away. Get therapy for the pain and feelings of grief and loss. It REALLY WILL HELP. If you can't afford it, find a Catholic Charity near you, for short term therapy. You don't have to be Catholic - and the therapy is not religious. Or find a therapist who will work with you on the cost of it, preferably a therapist with cult-exit training and/or experience, or one willing to learn about escaping/leaving cults. You deserve better than this from EVERYONE in your life. You are a better person than this 'friend', but that doesn't mean you have to put up with abuse. You deserve friends who truly care about you. Real friends treat you with respect and caring/love - and will talk with you honestly and with respect/love, if there are problems between you.

    Some people do not deserve your friendship. Just walk away.

    And :hug: :console:
    Fill your life with good people, not assholes.
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  4. That reference would be interesting to get a hold of. Being away from everything scientology for so long, I kind of ''forgot'' the insidious effects of brainwashing. Although it's given me a bit of an outside perspective to what the environment used to be like.

    Would be interesting though, to hear from others who have reconnected friendships with scientologists, after being out for a good while. Their experiences from it and so on.
  5. This is NOT OK !!!!

    This is NOT OK !!!! Gold Meritorious Patron

    Just to add to the above, if you have a wog job with healthcare benefits, you can get therapy for free or at least for low co-pay. Worth checking it out, regardless.
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  6. This is NOT OK !!!!

    This is NOT OK !!!! Gold Meritorious Patron

    I don't mean to come across as fatalistic, but there's no true reconnection with Scientologists - sadly, they're robots and the conversation will turn to them asking when you are going to get back on course, or start re-re-re-re-reading the basics.

    If you're honest and tell them never, they'll re-re-re-re-disconnect from you.

    So, what's the use?
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017
  7. Thank you for the advice :) I have been through countless therapy sessions to assimilate what happened to me growing up in scientology, but to be honest I think it will take a lifetime assimilating everything that happened, because the damage is just so huge. I'm still learning year by year the effects of brainwashing.

    Sadly I think you are right about scientologists becoming robots and it seems to me that the longer you are a scientologist the worse the behaviour becomes.
    She knows that I despise scientology and that I think it's all bullshit so it's not so far gone that she would try and get me back on course. She does not like the S.O. but does not blame scientology for causing all the havoc. The problem is that she's so out of tune when it comes to basic empathy and compassion, slides in spiteful and hurtful comments etc.
    This was about 15 years years ago back when I was still a scientologist. I had saved up for a whole year and given up my apartment to travel with her for a year in Australia. By the time I arrived to Australia, she changed her mind and left me alone in Australia. It wasn't the first time she had done something similar to that. But being older and supposedly ''wiser'' I would have thought she would have matured, but from what I've gathered her behaviour and lack of regard for others seems to have gotten worse. Silly me, I think I just greatly underestimated what brainwashing can do to people.
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  8. Oh, and both her parents were OT heavy alcoholics, whom both were very abusive, so that kind of just adds up to why she behaves that way... Her step father (OT) suicided after returning from sessions in kind of adds up to the brainwashing :-(
  9. Miss Ellie

    Miss Ellie Patron with Honors

    I disconnected myself from friends when I "left" on my own without saying I was leaving. I kept silent and made excuses to the family until they left... they never noticed I was an outie. I did a happy dance when they told me they were out! I never said anything to them negative while they were still in. I knew what the results might be.

    As the friends left I got back in touch. One friend I did not know she and the hubby had been out for years but under the radar as well. What a dance! We are now playing catch up... and having a blast.

    My ideas:

    Tell her that "due to her out ethics of remaining in an organization such as scio you do not feel keeping in touch is good for you. BUT if she ever gets out or is kicked out give you a call and you can maybe have coffee."

    Join some groups, find a passion... get involved in something that is just fun &/or beneficial to something/someone. Save The Fruit Flies, Outdoor Photography of Nude Bats, The Leach Fishing Association, what ever. Go enjoy the life that you have, don't look back more than you have to, go forward and meet many people. Will they be perfect, I do not give that much hope, but you will meet REAL people with REAL interests who will not be so quick to judge you by an impossible standard.

    By working so hard to hang on to "her" you are hanging onto a past that is just that... PAST. Live now and look to the future... much more fun. And one day you may get a phone call with a voice asking if you can ever forgive her... and will you have coffee - hope but do not wait.

    Life is to short not to live each day as the gift it is.
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  10. Isn't it great when you find ex scientologists that have been under the radar? :) I too have found friends that have been under the radar for over a decade without me having a clue lol It's a great feeling when that happens. Crazy though how scientology is able to do that to people through brainwashing.
    I left very publicly and I was very open about what I thought of scientology and I still am - I dont hide any of my viewpoints about how gross the abuse was.

    Its always been a principle of mine to try and forgive, depending on the relationship and circumstances. Having known this person from the age 2 and having the same experiences growing up in scientology is something quite unique, so I did consider it worthwhile to at least give it a shot, to see if it was possible to reconnect with an old friend who is still in scientology. She was my best friend growing up. Sadly, it's not possible. It's quite the impossible standard, as you mention, good point!
  11. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Patron with Honors

    If I had time, I'd chime in right now, but if you would believe it, my Scientologist friend is about to knock on my door. She wants to leave and contacted me for help. I have known her for about 25 years ...maybe more? I'd have to do the math. I am in the worst shape of my life right now. So depressed, but I must put all that aside and see how she is doing and help her. So, newbe, hang on and maybe we can do private messages, or talk here on the forum (whatever you prefer) when my day is done here, and/or I can tell everyone how things went. It may go long. I haven't seen her in a long time and our friendship is strong and goes way back. We haven't seen each other for a little while and we are both excited!
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  12. ThetanExterior

    ThetanExterior Gold Meritorious Patron

    From HCO PL Ethics Review 29 Apr 1965:


    Ethics actions in degree of severity are as follows:
    1.Noticing something nonoptimum without mentioning it but only inspecting it silently.
    2.Noticing something nonoptimum and commenting on it to the person.
    3.Requesting information by Ethics personnel.
    4.Requesting information and inferring there is a disciplinary potential in the situation.
    5.Talking to somebody about another derogatorily.
    6.Talking to the person derogatorily.
    7.Investigating in person by Ethics.
    8.Reporting on a post condition to Ethics.
  13. Lulu Belle

    Lulu Belle Moonbat

  14. Thanks for that! I read the policy - that is some pretty creepy stuff that LRH wrote:

    ''Our discipline is quite capable of driving a person around the bend because of what he or she is attacking.Therefore, we can all too easily make a person feel guilty by just a whisper.'':eek:

    ''Even the fellow who could push the button on atomic war knows, really, it’s onlyone lifetime per person he is blowing up, only one phase in Earth’s existence he or sheis destroying. That we exist here could actually restrain him'':eek:

    Sheeeeesh, that policy makes my stomach churn - Paranoid schizophrenia in a nut shell
  15. That's great news that your friend has decided to leave scientology :D Good for her! Although I can imagine what a turmoil it is to have just left, as it is. That's great that you're helping her :) I'm sure she will appreciate that. I never forget the people that helped me when I first left - it means everthing and there's no better person to talk to than an ex-scientologist. I'm sure you both have a lot to catch up on ;)
    Sorry to hear that you are going through a depression :( Big hug to you!! :hug:
  16. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Patron with Honors

    We talked until late at night. It went well. She still has to "come out" to some of her family members. It's all difficult. She is in the whole process. It's like going down memory lane of what it's like to slowly come into your own.
  17. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    I'm glad she reached out to you though ... and thanks for letting us know how things went, it must have been exhausting for you both.
  18. I can just imagine - I remember when I reached out to an ex scientologist. We spoke for hours and hours. She will appreciate your help. It's awful to leave a cult without much support. When I left, there was no ex cadets in my area that I could reach out to, and only years later I found out that some of the ex cadets were under the radar.
    I've the cut the communication with this old friend of mine who is still in scientology. It was doing my head in and reminded me too much of the abusive nature of scientologists and the complete lack of empathy and compassion. All my friends are non scientologists, so seeing the contrast of how a scientologist behaves was bizarre. Like I mentioned, I haven't been in touch with any scientologist for years. It's really sad on it's own to see an old friend so shut off from any real empathy or decent human behaviour.
  19. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Patron with Honors

    Yeah, I am still sort of mourning a friend that I've not really talked to in about a year and a half. She knows where I stand. She knows I'm writing a book and that we will be officially disconnected once and if it's published. It's so dumb to me that she will wait until this church "rule." She already knows how "anti" I am, that I see the whole thing as a harmful cult. Aside from all that, we have such a strong past/bond, it's all very upsetting, but I need to see that she's just not worth it. I am/was hanging on to an ideal or some kind of nostalgia. I have to let her go, which I suppose I have.
  20. Jenyfurrr

    Jenyfurrr Patron

    I'm glad (yet sad for your heart) to hear you cut it off. I'm a never-in and had a similar situation w/my ex-best-friend. We met the 1st day of 5th grade. She, too, had an alcoholic parent so her family tried to "make it up" by spoiling her. It took years to see that she was very self-centered, lacked empathy for others and tended to be close to the center of many dramas between other friends (later we found out she was the cause of most all of it).

    I'm not saying Scientology isn't a huge part of why your friend is the way she is, but having read about your trip & her just leaving you there (that's totally something my friend would've done also) and it sounds like she's naturally a pretty self-centered person. I'm sure Scientology has exacerbated it to another level!

    That's hard to give up on a friendship you've had since you were 2 - so much shared history! But you sound like someone anyone would love to call a friend - open, candid, understanding & forgiving... you should be cherished! If someone's upset w/something you've said or done, people who respect you will be direct & honest (not applying ethics formulas). She sounds VERY passive-aggressive. I'm sure you know all this, but sometimes we need reminders in tough life seasons. So, as you mourn the loss of this connection, I hope you feel cared for by those in your life & even us here!

    What happened when you cut it off? Did you just go radio-silent, or did you get the opportunity to explain why you won't allow people to treat you that way? Hopefully she'll learn something from it down the line at least!