Sam Crabtree - Grew Up In The Cult

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Monkeyschimps, Jul 18, 2013.

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  1. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

    What's a Wanker?

    Just kidding - even though I don't know, I get the gist of it - and Tosser. :lol:
  2. Purple Rain

    Purple Rain Crusader

    Not exactly. I think the fact that they both refer to masturbation implies that the person is a bit of a loser in addition to being unpleasant in some way.
  3. Monkeyschimps

    Monkeyschimps Patron

    No, I like that kind of humor. I'm new to the board, thought you might be a Scientologist who posts anonymously. Is there anyone like that on here?
  4. Monkeyschimps

    Monkeyschimps Patron

    Nice. Those are the kind of thoughts I would have too. I would always go, "I wish this wasn't the way out, because it sucks." I like your Doom 3 avatar, by the way.
  5. Monkeyschimps

    Monkeyschimps Patron

    Yeah, my mom talked about how all the girls were into him. I don't see it. Maybe because I'm straight and he's my father.
  6. In present time

    In present time Gold Meritorious Patron

    I think the majority don't use their real name, for a myriad of reasons.
    Some just arent comfortable with having their real life name associated with a past cult fuck up.
    Others still have family or friends in and don't dare.
    Others really are anons, who are my heroes, each and everyone for stirring the shit, where MOST (not all by a long shot) ex-$CN's feared to tread.

    But, you probably knew that? Right?
  7. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    I never post my opinions on the Internet under my real name. I like being able to say what I really think, without concern that some future employer or client will do an Internet search on me, and get offended by something I said. Increasingly, employers DO look for what sort of internet "presence" you have.
  8. Monkeyschimps

    Monkeyschimps Patron

    [​IMG] Originally Posted by Monkeyschimps [​IMG]
    Hello, I'll just start all the way at the beginning. I was born in Largo, FL in 1983. My mom, Debbie, was the Tech Sec at Flag. My dad, Paul, was a Class 9 auditor. My sister, Tessa, was born shortly before we all moved to Los Angeles two years later so my dad could be in RTC and my mom went to FLO, which was at PAC at the time. I was in the Cadet Estates Org which was where the Celebrity Center Parking garage is now. I very rarely saw my dad, like every couple of weeks, but my mom would pick us up every night around 10:30 after we had all gone to sleep on our cots, I think there were about 30 or 40 of us in one big room. I have a scar on my knee from one time when she picked us up, literally, and tried to carry us to our berthing. She fell down and I landed on her cigarette, which burned a scar into my knee. Sometimes I would get to see her and/or my dad at lunch time. At one point, I got to see my dad more often because he was suddenly a security guard for the PAC base. Then he disappeared for a while and my mom would t say where he was except maybe that he was in trouble. Then one day, much later, my mom came and got Tessa and I from the CEO and asked us if we'd like to see our daddy. We responded to the equivalent of "Hell, yes!" He was outside what I think is ASHO if I remember correctly. He was all in black with a black arm band. I already knew that was really, really bad. But I didn't care. He was down below us behind a fence, under a scaffold on the walkway down there. Him and another guy were doing some kind of work. We were unable to hug, but we exchanged hellos and that sort of thing. Then we had to leave because be had to get back to work. I think it was around this point that we started being bussed to a school in West Covina. I think I was 5. Probably some legal rudiment suddenly had to start being met. I liked the West Covina school. I learned spelling and numbers and that sort of thing. My dad must have gotten off the RPF at this point because be was now the school coach. It makes sense, he played college football. Well shortly after this when I was 5 or 6, my mom wanted the fuck out of the Sea Org. My dad has told me that he joined her only because he wanted to be with us kids. They traded their e-meter for this old tan hatchback that actually served us well for a few years. We moved out to Yucca Valley, CA, which is about 45 mins north of Palm Springs, up in the Morongo Basin. Sea Org members would stop by every couple of years to have some convo with my dad and mom. Probably mostly my dad because he was a Class 9 auditor. Plus, my dad always told us he planned in going back to the SO. They divorced when I was 10, so 1993. About a year later, my dad asked Tessa and I if we would mind if he moved away from us, to Colorado so he could pursue his dreams of owning a civil engineering company. We told him it was fine, but it really affected me. I've never asked my sister about it. We stayed with our mom until I was 12 and then I spent 7th grade in Colorado. I had already told my mom I hated doing conditions and I wasn't going to do it anymore. I moved back to California for 8th grade, got into drugs and alcohol at the tender age of 13, lost my virginity, performed acts of vandalism, usual teenage stuff? My mom was working at the radio station as a DJ at the time. Eventually, Tessa and I moved back in with my dad when I was almost 15 so we could go to the California Ranch School, an unaccredited Scientolgy school that, I think was part of the Sea Org group Applied Scholastics. It was there that my life started to improve because of Scientology. You know, that early stage where you're treated with kid gloves and shown the stuff that hooks you until you commit yourself to the church, before all the human rights violations begin. So, we were living in Santa Ana, CA, riding the Metrolink commuter train to Riverside every morning and taking public transport home every day. I loved that we didn't have any homework. Tessa filled out a personality test at school and was called in. She did a course and them I twinned with her on another one. We were off to the races. We started going on course, did the Purif, etc. I joined staff at 16 going on 17 for 6 months but crapped out because of a study bug. There's an Elron reference that says a person has three months to finish Staff Status 2 or they're out, but no one paid attention to that. And I wanted to leave almost the entire time. I was out for about 6 months, doing odd jobs, eventually started working for FatPipeU, a company which uses the Scilon study technology to teach people how to install cable. I did well at it and then was recruited for the Sea Org. End of part 1, gotta go

    Part 3 - May or may not be true, could be filled with opinion and inaccuracies.

    I missed a part after I had finished the CC EPF. I was then put into HCO CCI, I forget what it's called. It wasn't the HCO for the public, it was one level up. Where security was. But I was posted as expeditor until my CSW was approved to go to NWC Int, then FLO EPF, then back down to NWC CC. While I was there, I got my own CC uniform and I was expediting for Div 2. I forget the ladies name but she was real nice, said she knew my dad and she was a Registrar. She would give me a list of names and where those people were on study currently, I would go to those course rooms and ask the sup who such-and-such was. He or she would point the person out to me and then I would remember their face so I could stop them on the stairs after course and tell them that the reg wanted to see them. It was very easy work. I could tell they didn't want to, but that they weren't going to put up a fight. I was used to this sort of thing by this point, but thinking back on it, it's kind of messed up. They knew they would get in trouble if they didn't go talk to this person. How's that for freedom?

    During that time, I was actually back on my TRs and Objectives Co-Audit! With random people. And only because I put my foot down about it. However, it was interrupted by me going into NWC Int.

    So, back to NWC Int. They always tell you on the EPF that once you're done you can have one day off. I was expecting that day off for 3 months. When I got to the 3rd or 2nd floor of the Hollywood Guaranty Building, Rose Maracle told me that I was going on the FLO EPF, like, within minutes. I asked her if I could have my day off first so I could see my family. This is where the worm turned and she stopped being nice to me. She was suddenly a different person. No longer my cool recruiter, she said, "You know we don't join the Sea Org to take vacations." or something like that. I still wanted my day off. And it was approved.

    My sister came and picked me up and we hung out all day. We stopped by the OC Org for some reason or another and I was standing by the picnic tables when Ed Dearborn, the ED at the time, walks by. Ed Dearborn never liked me. I think it's because I would get recruited, agree to join the SO, then change my mind. He was involved in a couple of those cycles, not to mention I had been on staff and wanting to leave for 6 months. So Ed walks up to me and says, "You here on libs?" I told him I was. Then he said, "Good," turned smartly to the right and walked away. This is what Scientology does to people. Makes them dicks for no good reason. Arguably, he thought it was a good reason.

    When I got back to the HGB, there was still some paperwork to do, I was walking around all day in my one suit (3 piece, vest and all, a gift from my dad), writing letters, going on study, etc. Finally got routed onto the FLO EPF that night with, inexplicably, no time to change. I had to wear my 3-piece suit for a few hours before we got back to the Anthony Building, which at the time was a tenement. Old, dirty, stained carpeting, thread bare in many places, exposed nails and wood. Though the walls were obviously painted often. Anyone know if it's been renovated yet? DM needs to treat his people better.

    Tangent: I was at the AB one day, smoking a cigarette out front when who should roll up but Heber Jentz? I wasn't sure if I should "sir" him because he didn't have any officer bars on his epaulets. I had only seen him in pictures and at events at this point. I had heard that he closed down more than a 100 psych hospitals after he did Super Power. When he told me he had forgotten the door code to get into the AB, I was surprised. For one, I was told that he had been living at the AB as recently as a few months prior. If he'd done Super Power, he'd remember the door code, right? I don't remember the code now because it's been 12 years, but I do remember that it was very easy to remember. I did the code for him and he looked at me sheepishly, went inside.

    Ben Monahan was my EPF I/C and Ben Monohan was a fucking dick. There are people who are dicks because they're brainwashed to act like L Ron Hubbard or DM, and then there are people who are just dicks on top of that. Guess which one he was? When I first arrived, we were all standing at attention at muster and he was yelling at us about something. I'm in my 3-piece suit and he addressed me, but because I was at attention, I was supposed to keep my TRs in and not talk until I was given the "at-ease" as I had learned at CC. I thought he was trying to trick me and he was yelling at me that he wasn't trying to trick me. He could have just said "at-ease", but he continued to upbraid me in front of everyone until I got over my CC brainwashing enough to respond to him. During this time he also took off my suit jacket. I don't remember why.

    I was not long for the FLO EPF this time around. Ben Monohan only yelled angrily. He didn't have any other way he spoke to EPFers. He would always wear his navy blue jump suit and berate the shit out of us. At first, because it was so ridiculous, I would laugh at him without even realizing it. An EPFer would go up to him and ask him a perfectly reasonable question and he would just yell angrily back at them, at which point I would laugh. Then he would ask/yell at me why I was laughing, but I actually at the time didn't realize I was doing it, so I would just tell him that I didn't know what he was talking about. It actually took me a long time to realize that I was laughing out loud when someone would do something ridiculous. I probably embarrassed a lot of people.

    Eventually, a day or two later, Ben Monohan pulled me aside and told me that he didn't like my attitude. I think he didn't like me laughing at all the ridiculous shit he did. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, but he routed me back to NWC Int. Rose Maracle wasn't too happy about that. But I wrote a lot of letters in that time and eventually they traded me down to the Pac Ranch! I was back at the Cadet Estates Org! Ironic. This time, literally, I was in-charge of Cadet production. I was the Cadet Estates I/C. I had programs to complete where I had to get the cadets to de-weed the garden, set up rail road ties along all the walkways, we were going to build a greenhouse, etc.

    These poor kids. They missed their parents so much. And they were very unruly. They would blow from course all the time and shuck work duties. It's like they were being over-worked at a cult ranch or something. Their schedule was literally wake up at 7 am, go on course until the afternoon, do their production, then I'm pretty sure they would go on study at night too. Or maybe they had free time. I don't remember. But these were 10-16 year olds, so they were off doing god knows what every night after lights out. I did a couple night watches and they were definitely up to some shenanigans after everyone went to sleep. I do not blame them in the least.

    Tangent: If you aren't 18, you aren't old enough to be in a cult. There was a 10-year old girl at the ranch at that time who didn't talk. She knew how to talk, mind you, but she refused to. Her parents abandoned her at this ranch in the middle of nowhere. Yumi was her name. Her dad was Japanese and her mom was American. They were at NWC. These other kids, the teenagers were forced to live in these shitty dorms with all these other people with no real knowledge of the outside world. It is reprehensible that the Sea Org recruits parents. These kids were fucked up and abandoned. We did our best, but they needed their parents.

    For some reason which I don't remember, NWC wanted me back. Maybe because I'd already received certain clearances so they wouldn't have to start fresh CSWs with someone else. They came and got me, not without a fight from the Flag Rep, a very nice woman, I forget her name, but she knew me when I was a cadet. She was actually a mother figure to all the kids on the Pac Ranch. NWC won the fight, got me back up there to the HGB. I was posted as the Project Prepare I/C. I will do part 4 after I've ruminated a bit on my experiences.
  9. Monkeyschimps

    Monkeyschimps Patron

    I did know that. I don't care what happens to me or my name at this point. I just want to do the most damage I can to L. Ron Hubbard's legacy.
  10. Monkeyschimps

    Monkeyschimps Patron

    This is a very good rule. It's true, more and more employers Google you. I don't care if any future OR CURRENT employers read what I've written on this board though.
  11. Mike Laws

    Mike Laws Patron Meritorious

    Hi Sam,

    I remember you and your Mum and Dad VERY well, we were in RTC together in the 80s, before DM took over. I have fond memories of both of them. I also remember you, my eldest son was born in 1986, so you are about 3 years older than he is, used to see you in the old CEO by CC. Gawd I hated that place. I don't know if you remember, but in the hour we could visit, my son, most of the kids would scream as we were leaving, someone came up with the bright idea of teaching the kids to push the parents out of the door to be "cause", telling us to go back to work. I still want to cry when I think of that.

    When we refused to get an abortion, we were sent to Dallas where my second son was born a few weeks later. I would up leaving, and pretty much was a world class fuckup for 10 years while I started to find my way, figure out who and what I was, and where I was going, and what my abilities really were, and what I had to learn to start building a real life.

    My boys are doing OK, one graduated college with his 4 year degree, and is working as a community organizer in one of the most impoverished parts of Houston, the older goes to university off and on in Australia, doing a lot of social work, and will probably wind up with a trade ... he likes working with his hands.

    Like you, I was born in Scientology, but I didn't join until I was 15 years old. I found it a very rough road when I got out and tried to make my way.

    A different perspective on your parents, and other people in ... we were all pretty fucked up and the the environment did not even give us to try and be decent parents. We honestly believed we were fighting for the future of the world, trying to make a better world for you ... our kids. We believed the sacrifice we made was the best thing we could do for your future. I was a huge shock to me to realize all my "sacrifices" were worthless, we weren't helping the world, possibly more hurting ... doing more bad than good. If your parents were less than ideal, try and have a bit of compassion, the environment didn't allow us to do better. I am sure you remember kids in the CEO who never had parents come and visit.

    Interestingly, for me, the greatest single motivation for me to get my shit together after leaving, though it took 10 years of repeated failure to learn it, was the idea that my kids did not deserve a looser for a dad.

    You haven't gotten into how you are doing today, I hope both you and your family are doing well. If you ever want to talk to someone else who went through the same stuff, or anything else, send me a PM.

    Glad you are able to talk about this, I think it is an important part of getting through it. Also read the archives at I posted there under a made up name and identity trying to stay under the radar, didn't work, lol. There are a lot of stories about other kids that went through the same type thing.

    If you talk to your Mum and Dad, please tell them I said hi!
  12. Mike Laws

    Mike Laws Patron Meritorious

    This is a double edged sword, posting under your real name. I post under my real name for several reasons. I wanted to send a message to the COS that I wasn't afraid of them. I believe stories under a real name have more credibility and impact and generally come across as more believable, which might help others. Some people posting anonymously get really really nasty. If you use your own name, and know anyone can read it, you just write what you don't mind anyone knowing about you.

    Concerning people googling you, I have gotten a lot of flack for posting under my real name, a few people have gotten really nasty to me, some lies have been written about me ... but with my crazy past, you can't completely hide it, and I have learned that being open about it works best. Most new people we meet in life are wonderful and want to help, sometimes it can help people understand you better. In the end, as you create your identity and life and personality post cult, and build up real credentials in the real world, it becomes less important. To some people it is actually incredibly positive because they become inspired with accomplishments considering where you came from.

    In your mind, or in a story, put together the story of your past, present and future ... make it understandable to people. Then figure out how to make it shorter.

    Life is like a box of chocolates, but in real life we can often actually change and pick the chocolates we want to eat!!!
  13. Smurf

    Smurf Gold Meritorious SP

    Vicki & Rick are living quietly & happily in Texas. Their children & grandchildren are on Facebook.
  14. Udarnik

    Udarnik Gold Meritorious Patron

    Ah, yes, I forgot to include "jerk-off" (or "jag-off" if you hail from the Polish- influenced areas of Pittsburgh or Chicago)in the list of American synonyms. There is no exact match, though. It's kind of a mix of all three words.
  15. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Thankyou Mike.

    There are not many people posting - yet - who went through scientology as both child and parent. What you say is so true, and there are aspects of it all I still struggle with today. I joined at 14 and subsequently tried to raise 4 children within the system, and it didn't work well. The struggle to find out who you really are and what is truly the best thing to do, both as a child, parent and sibling is confusing and distressing to the max.

    Sam, you describe it so well, the arbitrary disregard for children and parents, and it's a testament to your own resilience and courage that you are here speaking out.
  16. hpm1999

    hpm1999 Patron with Honors

    Welcome and thank you for this thread!!!!
  17. Boojuum

    Boojuum Silver Meritorious Patron

    This thread is wonderful.

    The richness of personal experience within the cult is compelling testimony. Thanks.

    LRH promoted Scientology as a way to lead a better life. Yet, the damage that Scientology inflicts/inflicted to family after family is in-your-face proof of fraud.

    As I age, I see the tremendous power of good family relationships. One can nuture dreams, explain relationships, show by example, provide understanding, coddle, listen, rear, be the adult in the room, provide an endless source of fun and humor, or just be a normal person.

    LRH could have taken advantage of a family-friendly culture to expand Scientology.

    For whatever reasons--greed, stupidity, lust for power, quickie results--Scientology staff were encouraged to abandon family life and LRH knew this.

    All the BS one had to go through to get time off to see family or help family or raise one's kids was just a nutty piece of Scientology.

    I got out 25 years ago and my family is still recovering from the nastiness. There are pieces of my kid's lives that I can't replace.

    Thanks Monkeyschimps for sharing.

    It's a big deal.
  18. hpm1999

    hpm1999 Patron with Honors

    As a subject of HM Empire I know what that is but I am not sure Some o' these Yanks will know what that is....
  19. hpm1999

    hpm1999 Patron with Honors

    More apt term would be "dick head" since British "wanker" = American "Dick"
  20. In present time

    In present time Gold Meritorious Patron

    well. they have been together all these years. think they really did love eachother. i am glad they are doing well, and hope they have managed to deprogramme themselves.