Suppressed Memories

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by Sharone Stainforth, Jun 15, 2007.

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  1. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    When i was a little girl,about 7-8yrs old,i lived with my family in a big old house.We used to have boarders stay with us.They were all Scientologists.At the time i didn't really know what this meant.These people that stayed with us often came from abroad,i know some of them were from South Africa.Although i don't remember any of their names,i can still picture some of their faces,and they were so friendly and good to have around.Our house was always full of people,my aunt lived with us and an uncle(my Fathers twin brother).My mother wasn't my real Mother,but she was to me,i loved her with all my heart.I also had two younger brothers.As you can imagine it was quite a hectic household.
    At the time there were always lots of new and strange words being said,i say strange because i didnt hear these words outside of my home,except when i started going to St. hill.
    The first time i remember going to St.Hill(at least i think it was the 1st time)i met LRH,he was coming along the drive in his car(a while ago,i noticed Alan put a photo of it on here)He stopped and chatted to us,he smiled alot and was very friendly.When he drove off,my dad told me'what an important man he was.' What did i know,i idolised my Dad and if he told me 'he was an important man' then that was the truth,wasn't it?I found St. Hill fascinating,all the grounds,the huge manor house and other buildings.And as a child i remember thinking 'wow,this LRH must be as important as i had been told.What i found very strange,when going through the buildings were all these people hooked up to e-metres,i used to stare,wondering what on earth they were doing.To me it seemed a very strange thing to be doing.I couldn't understand any of it.Slowly i just accepted that thats what happened at St.hill,but it did play on my mind that i didn' see anything like it anywhere else.
    Like kids do i used to listen in on adult conversation quite alot.One such conversation played on my mind abit.That when you died,you dropped your body and went and found a new body to inhabbit(I didn't know the word thetan then).At school i'd learnt that if you died,you were dead.That was it.This caused me a fair bit of conflict.At the time one of my brothers had been stung by a bee,i was aware that if you got stung some people died as a reaction.My brother wouldn't stop screaming,i was very upset and was crying, convinced he would die and go and be somebody else.I didn't want him to be anyone else.I wanted him to stay being him.Our parents didn't know what the hell was going on.My brother and i cried ourselves to sleep wrapped around one another and i prayed with all my might he would be ok,it was such a relief to find him alive in the morning.
    I know this might seem really silly to some,but it's important to show how a child's mind works when faced with things they don't understand,also it's all relevent to my story as a whole.
    When my youngest brother was born i overheard a conversation that talked about a thetan entering my baby brothers body.Someone that was dead had gone into my brothers body.WHAT!S omeone famous had died at the time and my Dad seemed to think it would be great if that person was my baby bro. I didn't swear in those days but i would have done had i known how to.I really didn't like the idea at all.I put it out of my mind,but sometimes it bothered me abit.I loved both of my brothers very much and in many ways was like a second little Mummy to them.
    But sometimes i heard some strange stuff,that i really did not understand at all.:no:
    More tomorrow,Tamasin:)
  2. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    The thing with a thetan going into another person's dead/dying body is called, in some venues, a "walk in."

    Although I think that sometimes when people think they or others are a "walk in" that it can be their imagination, I also believe this does happen.

    Just my opinion, nuttin' more.

    I read a cool book about a lady who had an operation and, I think, was in a coma a while. When she came out, her personality was quite different. In fact, she'd been rather unpleasant before and was a lot nicer now.

    Yes, there are scientific we-are-our-brains explanations for that. But there also are "Theta" or spiritual explanations for it and who's to say it's always gotta be one type or the other?

    I once read something by a Scn'ist who said that she'd been a walk in. Was a last life Scn'ist and didn't feel like waiting from age 0 onward to get into Scn again. So found a dying body which was an older child.

    I believe this person.

    But, again, that's the realm of opinion.

    Many things are possible. Sometimes the odd really happens- sometimes we only think it happens.

    Either way, you can love the one you're with.
  3. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor


    I can't wait to hear more, Tamasin!
  4. svonhatten

    svonhatten Patron with Honors

    I can certainly relate to this. I was raised in a home where if you weren't a Christian, you were going to hell. I had PLENTY of nights where I cried myself to sleep because I thought my dad was going to hell. I also had some pretty scary dreams about hell too. If you've ever seen the film Heaven's Gates, Hell's Flames, you'll know what I'm talking about. That movie just about scared me to death... just like the first Left Behind movie that came out.

  5. ron's hat

    ron's hat Banned

    They don't have to be 'dead or dying' fluff. The idea of a 'walk-in' is that the host, if you will, voluntarily allows the higher spiritual being to take over his or her body. They don't have to be dead or dying. I mean, really...if the person is dead or dying why the fuck would anybody want the damn body in the first place??!!!!!

    As a matter of fact....I have it on good authority that DOFer plans to 'walk in' on YOUR body any day now. Better keep that night light on!!
  6. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    My story from inside scientology suppressed memories

    At this time ( 65-66)i had alot of responcibility put on me keeping my brothers occupied and always seemed to be changing nappies.Much of the time i didn't mind,but the poohy nappies all became too much,we had a down stairs cloakroom,outside the window there were thick prickly bushes and this one day i'd had enough of pooh,so i lobbed the nappy out of the window.I felt bad but thought noone would ever know.The next time i had a really yucky nappy,i couldn't face cleaning it and out the window it went.This went on for quite awhile,being so young it never occurred to me, soon we would run out of nappies.Also it was summer and out the back door it was starting to stink.I was mortified one day to find my Dad cutting all the bushes back,i think i went and hid down in my den.Funny looking back on that,as far as i recall not alot was said,and i didn't have to do the nappies so much after that.
    I went in Lrons office once,he wasn't in it at the time,it was large and seemed very grand to me.I helped put loads of books on the bookshelves,these books were changed every few months.I know my Dad had to go off somewhere for a few minutes and said he had to lock me in because the office had to be kept locked at all times.Sometimes when i went into work with my Dad,i would run errands for other people.Sometimes we went to a service in the chapel,thats when i met a teenager who had gone clear.She was a really nice girl and we sat on a wall chatting,and she told me how wonderful she felt.She certainly looked "glowing"I remember thinking 'wow'.
    Can't describe the service,as i wasn't very interested at the time.
    I know one man i liked,a SA,he stayed with us on and off.The last i heard of him,he'd committed suicide.I couldn't think why anyone would do that then.I think i saw his name on a list when i first started looking at critical boards,but i'm not going to say in case it's wrong,even though i'm sure i'm right.
    I rarely if ever got to see my grand mother because she was against my Dad being involved in scieno,which i thought was a shame because i wanted to see her.
    At some point around late 66 /early 67 i did some of the chldrens courses,i didn't want to but my Dad thought it would be good for me.To please him i said i'd give it a go.I watched for a while and all the other children seemed to be ok about it,Iv'e read children had teddies but i only remember there being an ashtray.Now this is only my opinion of the time but i could not grasp talking to an ashtray at all,saying 'thankyou' to it was totally beyond me.I did not like it,and didn't see the point.
    Again, asking "Do fish swim" or "Do birds fly",to me it was obvious that they did,so i didn't understand 'why' the need to ask.
    I felt really uncomfortable doing these drills but persevered as best as i could.
    The final one was the bullbaiting,this i really didn't like,i don't know if it was the man i was with or what,but i actually felt scared whilst staring and being stared at. For me as a child, a very uncomfortable experience!
  7. Charlie Jones

    Charlie Jones Patron

    Interesting stuff, Tamasin. Funny story about the diapers. Please keep going. Does SA mean South African or...?
  8. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hi Charlie,
    Yes SA does mean South Africa.I will try and continue later tonight,but i have o
    ther things to do at the moment.

    Alonzo,fluffy and svonhatten,thanks for the comments,will get back to you
  9. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    Being so young,parts of our life at this point are a little hazy.It was a long time ago.My Father was at ST.hill much of the time and my Mum had all the boarders to look after.When i wasn't caring for my brothers,i would roam the grounds of house,which was large including a field,a wonderful playground.I was at my happiest there.
    The first time i met Marysue was on the steps of the manor house,she was so nice and reminded me of a movie star,a real lady.I was in awe of her,at the time.
    When Hubbard came back from Rhodesia,the excitement at St. Hill was incredible,everyone was rushing about preparing for his arrival,some coaches of scienos had gone to meet him at the airport and those left behind had wanted to be there too.I can only describe the atmosphere as electric!
    I know i am missing bits out here,but i'm struggling to put the pieces of the jig-saw in order.
    Suddenly our world was turned upside down,Bam!The scieno boarders all had to go,and we had to move. We were homeless.I never knew why,until recently.Apparently,the electric bill had been so high,owing to all the boarders using so many heaters that my parents couldn't afford to pay the bill.The electric was cut off.We stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights,then at my Mums parents house.The next thing i knew my Mum ,brothers and myself were living in a small granny annexe next to a large house.set in large grounds just outside East.G rinstead.My Dad didn't come with us,i didn't understand.
    The house was full of scientologists,two sisters from America ran the house,Mary and Betty.Everyone was so nice and made us feel really welcome.My Mum at this time learnt she was pregnant again,where the hell was my father.It was a very difficult time especially for my Mum,she had the three of us to look out for and had to work to support us.She used to work nights,cleaning and i looked after the boys.Luckily i had the support of the scieno household right on the doorstep.
    We got on well with everyone and i spent alot of my time in the main house with them.Bo Johnson lived there, Karen Black ,a matador from Spain called Ernie,a really big man called Bob and numerous other people came and went,whose names i don't recall.There was also a family with a son called Mike,he was about my age.
    After awhile i was informed my Dad had gone to live with another woman,who he married.I thought this was pretty odd because i'd always thought my Mum and Dad were married.
    For heating we only had an oil burning heater,before my Mum had left for work she'd told me not to try and move it.The room was so tiny and at the time i was always doing cartwheels and the like,it was in the way.Anyway i tried to move it and the next thing i knew the rug was on fire.Frightened the hell out of me,fortunately i stomped all over it really quickly and managed to put it out.I poured water on it for good measure and was very relieved.I went and got Mary from next door for support.I was so scared,my brothers were asleep in the next room.It didn't bare thinking about what could of happened.
    Next time i'll tell you about the Matador!
  10. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    As iv'e already said the main house was full of scientologists,somewhere between 15-20 people in total.They were all really good people.i liked them all.One in particular was Ernie(uncle Ernie i used to call him) he was a matador.He had his full matador costume with him and it was fantastic to see him dressed up with his red cape pretending to tease a bull.I didn't like the idea of him killing bulls but it was a real treat to watch him performing.He also was a blackbelt in martial arts,which i thought that was really cool.He used to show me various moves(i was quite the tomboy back then).Sometimes i would go into his room and he would stand behind me and position my arms and legs in various poses.This was all good fun,but then he kept touching my bottom and make out it was a mistake.Also because i'd just started developing,he would comment on it.Being very naive i didn't really pay much attention,i was 9 .about to turn 10yrs.
    One night i was in the main house watching TV with about ten other people,the lights were switched off,so it was dark.I often sat near to or on Ernies lap and all of a sudden i felt Ernies' hand in side my shorts.I jumped in the air and told him not to do that.Everyone shot up,the lights went on and Mary asked me to repeat what i had just said,which i did.I said"he often tried to touch me in that area"
    I was told to go home,funnily enough more upset that i had to miss the rest of tv.The next morning was quite strange,Betty came and said she was taking me out for the day.I can't remember where we went,but we went to a market and she bought me a couple of dresses and a few other things.We also had a chinese meal.Ifelt like royalty being treated so.
    It wasn't until the following day i realised Ernie was not there anymore.When i asked "What happened to him,why hadn't he even said Goodbye" I was told "he had,had to go away in a hurry and how sorry he was not to say goodbye"
    At the time i was upset by this,in my innocense i felt betrayed because he'd left without saying goodbye.
    Nothing was ever said about it again and i was about 15yrs old before i realised what had happened.I felt even more betrayed then as i realised he hadn't been my friend at all.
  11. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

    At least they did something about him.

    That was good of them.
  12. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    Yes it was good that they dealt with it so quickly,but i think it would have been better if the situation had been explained to me.
  13. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

    Yes. True.

    We get a lot of stories here. And they don't always turn out with Scientologists doing the right thing at all. I was just relieved to hear that they had done the right thing as far as protecting you from him.

    Sorry to interrupt.

    Please continue...
  14. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    I realise now i will have to do abit of editing on my previous post as i was a bit muddled with dates.
    Christmas 66,money was very tight,but our Mother who was very resourceful and good at crafts,collected some branches and tied bassets allsorts all over the branches as a Christmas tree.It was lovely.Over christmas Mum took us to visit Dad with his new wife.I didn't realise it then, but that must have been auful for her.
    Early 67 our baby sister was born,she was beautiful.It was a good job too,because i think with all the upheaval and work, it took it's toll on Mum.I'm pretty sure she was born at home,both my brothers had been and strangely i remember their births far more clearly.Some one on here talked about barley water,i do remember talk of it back then(barley water) but i couldn't tell you if our sister had it or not.I do know we drank lemon barley water.
    Our Mum still continued to work evenings and i had the job of looking after the boys and baby,if i needed a hand there was always help next door.
    One day i was walking home from school and Betty pulled up in a taxi and told me "to get in".I could tell something was wrong by her face.Our little sister had died. She was only 3 months old, Our Mum was at the hospital.It was the first i had encountered death,and it was a horrible feeling.I was very upset.When i saw our Mum,she looked numb.It was so sad.I think it was a cot death,breathing difficulties.
    The funeral service was held at St.Hill in the chapel.The chapel was packed with people,although now all i can see is a sea of faces.I know our Mum was there and Dad,Mary and Betty.All that really stuck in my mind was this tiny white coffin on a plinth,on the coffin was a little gold plaque with her name on it.I'd never seen Mum so upset and i knew there was no making it better.
    Things were never the same from then on,Mum was quiet and obviously grieving.The eldest of my brothers did everything he could to annoy me,the youngest one was much quieter,not too mischievious yet and i missed my Dad so much.Everyone next door rallied round to help and cheer us up.I don't know whether it was my age or the circumstances,but i didn't always get on with Mum any more and decided i was running away to find my Dad.I left one evening late with a huge suitcase and stayed in the woods at the back behind the house,it was quite a distance,and the case was heavy., I went to sleep,then in the middle of the night i felt a dog licking my face and a policeman telling me to wake up.I was determined i wasn't waking up and pretended unconsciousness.Of course i was taken home.Mike had told where i was.
    Everything just went from bad to worse at home and then one day my Dad came and told me he was going away and wouldn't be back for a long time.He was going on a ship to join the Seo org.I was heartbroken and cried and cried.I asked why i couldn't go with him.He said"he would look into it,but was doubtful"The next time i saw him it was arranged,we were going to live on a ship,the Royal scotsman.
  15. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    The flight to North Africa was very exiting,i had never been on a plane before & it was scary but good.On arrival,it was a real eye was so hot & to see people dressed in robes,turbans &woman wearing burkahs was very strange.It was so colourful and reminiscent of stories i'd heard in school in the bible.It was as if i'd been transformed into another world.
    We arrived at the ship,& went on board.We were ushered into an office where contracts had to be signed.I think my Father must have already signed his because i was the one presented with a contract.It said 'i had to sign for a billion years'.My Father was quite concerned and queried this as i was only 10yrs old.We were told "sign,or get off the ship".We discussed this,i told my Dad"nothing mattered as long as i could be with him".So i signed.I never really thought about it at the time,i did want to be with my Dad and i couldn't of imagined a billion years if i tried.
    I was lucky enough to be allocated a cabin which i shared with another girl
    Janis whom i had already met previously at ST,Hill.We got on really well and she was to be my best friend while i was there.(I say lucky,because it was some time before i saw the dormitories where most of the crew slept & they were crampt and horrible compared to the cabins.
    At first not much was expected of me and i would wonder about the ship,sometimes doing small jobs for people or watching the local traders on the dock selling their wares.This provided endless fun as they would sqabble amongst one another to get anyone to buy something from them.If any crew went down the gang plank they were mobbed by these sellers,it was very difficult to get away without buying something.If noone left the ship they (traders)would call up trying to coax someone down.
    I had watched Janis ,Suzette and another girl Claire running round as messengers & i wanted to do this too.One day while LRH was walking round the decks he came over to me & said "I hear you want to be a messenger,your a little young but how about we give it a go".I was thrilled at the time and said "Thankyou".He burst into laughter and repeated "Thankyou" 3 times in all,laughing all the time.I didn't know what was so funny,but it certainly amused him.
    I liked being a messenger,it gave me a sence of purpose.Everyone on the ship was so friendly at the begining.'Clearing the planet' was a term i often heard and it seemed like a good thing.Helping people,helping the world,& i'm sure i can speak for everyone on that ship at that point in time,that is what they thought they were doing-Helping mankind.
    The children were expected to attend school about three times a week for 2-3 hours.I don't remember how many children in total there were but a fair few of us.School consisted of a scientology work sheet and a dictionary.I only remember going about 3 times,once i was a messenger school was over.
    Most messenger work while i was there consisted of running errands,taking all mail in my in-tray up to LRH,following him around when he strolled the decks.I had to carry an ashtray for his cigarette ash.Sometimes a shift could be really boring sitting in semi dark outside his office waiting for an errand.Often in the evenings was difficult to keep my eyes open.I got on quite well with LRH,he was quite patient with me,& often told me" to be at ease" as i always stood to attention,even when it wasn't necessary.
    I didn't get to see my Dad as often as i would have liked, we went on 'Libs'( a day off) once a week at first, that was great fun.One day i spent all day trying to find my Dad,i never actually knew where he worked on the ship.I couldn't find him and noone i asked seemed to know where he was either. Eventually late in the evening he found me and said" if it happened again,i was to leave a message for him&he would find me.
    Everything was so newto me &there was always so much going on,new people arrived daily & it was a time of great exitement,but some things were about to change & they were not good.
  16. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    Slightly off topic here but actually 'Right' on topic!

    I want to talk about 'FEAR'!

    Fear of speaking out!

    Fear of doing the right thing!

    .Fear of the unknown!

    Fear of upsetting other people!

    .Fear of the future.Fear of change!

    ' FEAR 'of everything and anything.

    Fear causes alot of pain and misery in peoples lives,its a difficult ideology to break when its been instilled in your mind from a relatively young age.Trying to find courage and bravado plays second fiddle to all thought processes that gave the' Fear' in the first instance.

    I first tasted real' Fear' when i was on the Royal Scotsman or the Apollo as i remember her.It was far from being a good feeling,and in many ways its never really left me.Fear of not doing my job properly,with the threat of been thrown overboard.With a fear of heights and water(i couldn't swim) compounding that fear.Watching on a daily basis other crew members being tossed over the side of the ship,for WHAT-some minor misdemeaner.So the fear was compounded day after day.It was torture!The pain has never gone away.

    I refuse to keep reliving that pain,i'm not doing it anymore.I am not going to live in' Fear' either,I am going to STAND UP and be counted.

    This might not be what people want to read,but it is the TRUTH!
  17. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

    Well, I'm behind you.

    Have courage.
  18. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Fear is corrosive. But you are now brave. I am glad you are speaking out.
  19. Sharone Stainforth

    Sharone Stainforth Silver Meritorious Patron

    Alanzo and Fluffy,

    Thankyou for the words of encouragement!
    I feel better for having got that off my chest.
  20. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

    It takes a lot of courage to be an ex-Scientologist. And to say so.

    Many don't.