T.E.D. #4 BY THE EMPRESS It has come to my attention that a malicious rumor is circulating to the effect that I have been haunting certain floors of the Garfield Bank building on Sunset in Hollywood, across the street from the Lingerie Club -- not far really from Simply Blues which in my opinion has really deteriorated as good blanketting territory just within the last few months -- trying to figure out a way to get MY money away from THOSE people. Not true. Listen: Words are for liars. Sellers and buyers. As you can see from the above two lines, I have unmistakable skill in the area of rhyme. Combined with my proven musical ability (as evidenced by my recent album) I will be living my next life as a multi-media, high-powered, mega-volt, rock-and-roll superstar the likes of which this ball of mud has never seen. So you see, all that money that's just sitting there waiting for me to figure out a way to get my hands on it before those idiots spend it all is really not an issue at all, since we all know what even ordinary wog superstars make. Of course, to accomplish this stellar goal, once again I am counting on the help of you, my special friends. Specifically, I need each of you to answer the following survey questions so that I will know how to most effectively mock myself up: 1) Which of Elvis' features would you say was most singularly responsible for his respectable albeit musically and historically unimportant success? 2) Where would you rate Jim Morrison's sideburns on the tone scale? 3) Which of the know-to-mystery scale positions most completely describes Mick Jagger's lips? 4) Does Billy Idol's hair style suggest an inflow, an outflow, a ridge, a dispersal, an explosion or an implosion? 5) Would you say that the essence of rock-and-roll is represented best by: a) narrow, angry, squinty eyes, b) large, dreamy, "bedroom" eyes, or c) sunglasses? Please send your results to me via telepathic telex. Since by the time I have reincarnated and come of age names will all have been converted to numbers (in celebration, no doubt, of my prophetic announcement some three years back that "the world has gone computer"), look for me under the name of "8-8008" which I am having my attorneys reserve for me so that I will have the most powerful name on the planet, virtually guaranteeing me a position of preeminence in my chosen field! Count on me to leave nothing to chance, no stone unturned, no stool unexamined. Now for the second order of business. To celebrate the imminent release of OT8 I am issuing the following revision of the tone scale: There is a grave mistake in the old tone scale. It lists Body Death at 0.0. Actually, Body Death is many degrees above 40.0 - after all, how right can you be? Dead right! So Body Death is 60.0, followed by Blame at 80.0 and Worshiping Bodies at 100.0. As you can see, it's really been quite an upscale rocket ride for me these last several months! Now go home and make those corrections to the tone scales on your walls! Also, please make the following change to the ethics conditions. Cross out Non-Existence. I am hereby ordering the complete removal, destruction, pulverization, obliteration and vetting of any and all references to the ethics condition of Non-Existence. Recent research has proven beyond a doubt that the concept is much too highly charged for general consumption, in fact is an END WORD, and I never originated it. It was insidiously planted in the materials by one of the many suppressives I hired from time to time as my closest personal advisors. Well, I would love to stick around and chat with you for hours and hours, but I'm much too busy for that and I'm sure I've already given you enough heady cognitions to keep you all F/Ning for weeks and weeks to come, eh? So, now I must get back to work: "It won't be long yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, It won't be long yeah, yeah, yeah..."