Short informal introduction: I used to post on ESMB as SallyDannce. I lost that internet identity as I healed from the trauma of leaving scientology and the events that unfolded during that time in my life. My real is Glenda. I am not in hiding from anyone. I do not live in fear of the cult. I try to live my life aware, not in fear. I came back to ESMB a few weeks ago after a non-authorised sabbatical. For the uninitiated that's me trying to be a bit funny. When you're in scientology you have to write a thing called a Completed Staff Work (CSW) if you ever want time away from your training, staff position, etc. Usually the CSW gets declined. Yay for living life without CSWs. Freedom! I came back for a couple of reasons. I had been mulling over sharing what life is like ten years after leaving. I also came back because recently I have been feeling a bit broken inside. The cult stuff has been a bit triggered again. I have been feeling low. I have also been feeling angry and trying not to be angry which I recognise is not a healthy way to deal with the anger. Talking about it, expressing it, is probably a healthier way than bottling it up. I needed to be “close” to those that get it. Those that actually give a shit and understand mind-control. I get that not all ESMBers believe that scientology is dangerous mind-control and I try to respect that view. However for me it will always be a dangerous cruel trauma-inducing mind-bending cult. The further away I get from the impact of the scientology programming snapping inside my head, and the more I learn, the more I contend scientology is nothing but mind-control, glossed up with some very pretty lures. The “good lower level” stuff is simply the juicy lure into the darkness. You've got to start somewhere when you want to control others minds and hearts. You do it with pretty, nice, useful bait (seduction). I tend to get an internal reaction when people say there is some good non-harmful stuff in scientology. Sure there is. Ask yourself why. It helps to understand how abusive relationships work. There is always some good stuff on offer which is used to seduce and to build/hold the power and control over the target. I want to write about how life is for me after ten years of recovery. The good stuff and the stuff that is still tricky. I can’t think of anywhere else to share this stuff so here I am on ESMB blabbing on about the long road to recovering from scientology. I am disappointed in myself, after nearly ten years, to find I can still get this triggered and tripped up by what seems to be such deep shit. I knew it was deep, I really knew this but somehow it doesn’t make it any easier when it hits. I know the world is a mess and realise that my little recovery story is way down the list of relevant issues when people are banging their chests about who has got the biggest missiles and positioning frigates in a showy stance. I am still going to proceed and hope that maybe, just maybe, what I share may have some tiny value in a world that is full of so much meaningless crap, and potential horror. I’ve worked really hard. Those that know me well can testify to that. I think sometimes I’ve pushed myself too hard. I can be very tough on myself. I just didn’t want to wake up one day, years down the track, still thinking with scientology concepts and behaving like a scientologist. There are those that would hiss at me that I do act like a scientologist sometimes and that really hurts because I have tried so very hard to break all the patterns of the scientology conditioning. If you ever want to really hurt me just fire at me “You are no better than a scientologist with your (and quote some imperfect behaviour you may have noticed).” I will fall apart and go hide quietly to try to regain my centre. Another good way to hurt me to the core is to tell me I am an inauthentic person, a fake. That will trigger something very deep in me and again I will go quiet and go hide. I have worked so damn hard to regain a sense of who I am and why I am here in this world without all the scientology clap-trap rattling in my head. Building a fresh identity sans mind-control conditioning (scientology) is not easy. Those that say it is are full of shit. People have used the above mentioned types of comments on me. It felt like they had found my most vulnerable soft spot and kicked it. I can’t seem to harden the fuck up to not let that stuff hurt my heart. I am who I am, warts and all. I try to carry my shame best I can. I screwed up giving 20 years to the cult of scientology. So if you ever want to really hurt me, I just gave you the keys to the door. Why? Because I am not going to pretend that I am all tough and perfect and got my shit together. I am not all tough and perfect. Nor do I have my shit together on all aspects of cult recovery. I can be very vulnerable. God forbid. I am human. That was the aim when I left scientology. To humanise myself. To feel shit again, not be some numb fake “tone scaled” shadow of a human being who robotically thought in scientology concepts/filters and contained her behaviour within the limited parameters of scientology programming. To hell with that! Really to hell with that! I’ll write more. It seems I have a lot I want to say.