The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts

Discussion in 'Books About Cults and Extracting Oneself from Coer' started by lotus, Feb 19, 2014.

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  1. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    Thanks for your input!
    I like that you get good result with only one essay!
    That's simple and powerfull though!

    When we get the breathing technique basis, meditation can also be done while walking , also gardening, eating,'s only to be here and now fully aware and mindfulness.

    In the book he tells that while we begin to experiment the compassion meditation we can experience a flow of strong emotions coming from deep within. He says it might be uncomfortable , but it is a very good sign as it mooves the underwater up to clean.

    Thank you for sharing - I'll give a try to Dr Neef soon too!:wink2:
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2014
  2. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    So true Galdfly!

    People who are good to them are good to others - it's remarquable!

    Can I ask about your healing therapy ???
    A process you are doing yourself or with others????
  3. tetloj

    tetloj Silver Meritorious Patron

    I'm very much a beginner here!

    Free Being Me posted the link to Kristen Neff's site - the link below is to her guided meditations

    [these aren't links below - can't get the underlining off]

    Affectionate Breathing
    Compassionate Body Scan
    Loving-Kindness Meditation
    Self-Compassion/Loving-Kindness Meditation
    Noting Your Emotions
    Soften, soothe, allow: Working with emotions in the body

    I think it was the loving kindness meditation I did that really wow-ed me at the time.

    I find her voice very pleasant and easy to respond to.
  4. Helena Handbasket

    Helena Handbasket Gold Meritorious Patron

    I'm going to get this book. It might help me with my current difficulties.

  5. sallydannce

    sallydannce Gold Meritorious Patron

    I want to write, but this tablet prohibits fast and furious "let it roll" type writing. I am constantly distracted by the new stuff required to operate it.

    Self-forgiveness is not weak wish-washy stuff. I had preconceived ideas about the whole subject of forgiveness and began exploring the subject more to eliminate it as crap. I was totally wrong.

    I started with forgiving others. That, for me, was easier. It was easier to face, accept, let go, of the darkness and cruelties of others than face my own.

    One day I was feeling a tad brave and did a self-forgiveness meditation with a vid of Jack Kornfield. I was sitting on the sofa doing the meditation and the force of the deep seated emotions which came roaring out of me, the sorrow I held for the self-cruelty, the suffering I had caused myself, was so powerful I ended up on my knees on the floor, purging emotions I had held deep inside for most of my life.

    Thankfully I also knew how to soothe myself and stay mindful to experience the painful emotions. I did the same meditation for about 10 days and also journalled about what I was feeling and reframing things.

    Self-forgiveness is deep when done with an active practise of self-compassion. Once the acceptance of all begins, there is an openness and willingness and flexibilty to move deep into ones heart. Thinking and mental cognitive stuff becomes sort of secondary. Hard to explain. I don't try to work things out about my feelings. I trust myself from a place of love and peace and strength. There is a type of resilience that is unshakeable. Zero expectations of 'how things should be' or how others should behave, etc.

    Kristin Neff, Brene Brown, Jack Kornfield, and a few others are bringing stunning gifts to the world. There is a program of mindfulness being introduced into schools (USA) and self-compassion is entering mainstream therapy training. Shame (Browns work) and learning how to be vulnerable in a healthy way has gone mainstream. Shame is crippling stuff and responds well to self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

    All of these subjects, imho, cannot simply be intellectualised - read a book and think about it or discuss it - imo, ya gotta roll ya sleeves up and dig and do the work. And then live it, moment by moment, every day. It is challenging in the beginning. The real test for me was when I was under huge stress when mum died mid-last year. What I had in place served me well when I hit my outer limits, which was pretty much daily.

    The scientology processing I had (100s of hours of the stuff) doesn't come close to providing the depth of self-revelation, changes in behaviour, big shifts in how I live and love, etc. Scientology is about fixing, about destination, via a series of complicated steps. If you keep reinforcing that someone needs "fixing" and pushing them to keep seeking something "unknown, mysteriously wonderful up ahead", you drag the individual away from themselves. You disconnect them from the joy in each simple moment, commonly referred to as "the now". You deny the person an authentic experience of themselves and their true capacity to feel real deep inner peace and love. Each of us has what it takes to heal. Each of is capable of "miracles". I am not talking about parting seas and walking across water with a bunch of mates to the local pub. I am speaking of the incredible energy and resilience of the human spirit. When self-love blossoms, a love for others, for life, respect for every moment rises graciously and the drama of life, of internal battles, of worry, of pain, of suffering (in a way which disturbs ones inner balance) level out. You become your own master, truly free in a way I can only fail in trying to describe. I simply live it, and don't think about it.

    I have faults and I have crap days. I do my best to accept these as all part of being a spiritual being having a human experience. I am way way more spiritual than I ever was in scientology (kiddies stuff that scientology). I follow my own spiritual "map", listen to my own heart.

    I am currently working on my "walk on water miracle technique". It would make life so much easier to get to the local pub with my mates. :wink2:
  6. tetloj

    tetloj Silver Meritorious Patron

    Thinking about this thread yesterday it occurred to me that [much of] western society is narcissisistic on a material level (led by media and corporate hegemony) yet the idea of truly loving and forgiving yourself is so alien.

    Society is so much about the self at the cost of self. :confused2:
  7. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    Ditto :yes:

    While in a very tough process in helping mum, also dad who is living in his own world - I thaught I would fall apart.
    My family had been broken apart, and some behave a way toward mum dying, that I couldn't accept :bigcry:

    This was the most difficult situation I dealt with in terms of mixed emotions. Very strong emotions.

    The work, about self-compassion and healing, I did began a few time previously, had changed the way
    I could deal with it.
    Strong emotions have been there, shaking me deeply... but I learned to say to people :: I am presently suffering from anger an grief and need time to heal'' that became my phrase for about 6 months.
    This simple phrase kept me of engaging in dispute , or being overwhelmed with anger that did knocked daily at my door.

    This was a way, as Christopher Germer tell, to be aware of emotions, and keep it for what it is - strong emotions instead of qualify it with judgement about having such emotions.
    Naming it, identity I felt miserable, and decide I would not feel guilty about that , was all I could do , on a daily basis.
    I did all I could to protect mum and to ensure she would die in peace, in confidence, in a nice place with nice people to look atfer her, and without strong fears. She did not die in peace because of choices she made (because of fear) and things I could not have any control over.

    Mom gave me a good lesson - wich is , there is not time to loose in regrets and sorrow, but only time to make our best, each day without sorrow,. We shall live eith dignity till the last breath and thus never allow anyone to manipulate and create regrets thus disturbing serinity needed to pass away. .

    I remain a lonely walker to walk my path with serenity at peace, for the time I need. I make mistakes each day of my life, often judge others, myself too, sometimes sad but I also joyfull , often felling deep gratitude for being alive. I'm learning to live okay with the imperfection! No more wrongness! Only keep good sens of humour!

    And, when I look in the mirror - there is no thetans doing things :biggrin: It's me and, all imperfect,but me :biggrin:

    You Sally hit your outer limits and could make it, I did too , doing my very best as many here are doing for long months - years on their path to recover and grow! :eyeroll:
  8. sallydannce

    sallydannce Gold Meritorious Patron

    It arrived today! Finally! The book arrived! The mindful path to self-compassion by Christopher K. Germer is sitting on the chair beside me. Yay!

    I'll keep notes as I read it. And share any coherent thoughts I may have. :flowers:
  9. Knows

    Knows Gold Meritorious Patron

    Sallydance - that was an awesome post. I too am experiencing a similar journey. I got the book and am listening to meditation tapes on forgiveness and self compassion and they are amazing!

    I was so much more spiritual before I entered the gates of hell - Scientology.

    Scientology is not a road to spriritual freedom - it is a road to enslavement and self-abasement. What ever you do is your fault and your;e responsible.
    You will pay and pay and pay for your mistakes.

    What ever the Organization does that is bad - is no big deal, a little mistake done by an individual or a few people, some improper application of the tech - and you pulled it in and is YOUR fault too! And you will pay and pay and pay.

    This does a number on a person if too much of this occurs and this is Scientology so I am thinking we all have to deal with this when we get out. It sucks!

    I have come full circle and my experience of Scientology lead me to certainty about true evil and how it works. Now I can protect myself as I continue on the path to enlightenment and true spiritual freedom. One has to dispell this "trickery" that was applied while in Scientology and all of the tools on this thread help.

    There is a peace deep inside that I have been experiencing - like you describe above - and it is unshakable. Scientology calls it Oat Tea but we call it - spiritually free knowing we won't get any worse! We do have to protect ourselves from evil people and religious cults and after Scientology - we now have a sixth sense on how evil people can be.
  10. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    Hi there,

    I am very much happy you got the book!
    I look forward your thaughts about it and how it might be of help or not!

    As I went through the first 100 pages of this book, there was some specific issues adressed that answer
    some questions I had about '' how come such good and intelligent people (including me) are caught into this cult and mindfuck''
    (sorry for the true believers)

    I discovered something very much interesting, As I did practiced the meditations of self-compassion - there has been some shift in my mind and behavior, without I have been aware. Few week later, I realized that while one is practicing self-compassion and kindness, there is some old pattern (like some implanted in the cult about ethics and abnegation) that vanish.

    Self-compassion can't live within onself beside self depreciation like being a degraded being or sp.

    There is no such valuable or not valuable human beings - there is human beings whom have all their nature of being human.
    There is a very much interesting chapter in this book about such people who may think they are not valuable .

    This mindset is one of the most destructive IMHO - it creates categories to shape a futur society or mankind in what
    is wanted (by few) and what is rejected in regards of how much they are valuable for such other beings.:confused2:
    (Some name it ethics and integrity :biggrin:)

    Very much inspiring reading!

    Hope to read your thaughts soon!
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2014
  11. Orglodyte

    Orglodyte Patron with Honors

    Thanks for the recommendation, lotus. I'm about a third of the way through the book.

    I'm struck by the idea that I might not be as "over" Scientology as I thought. Since leaving I have gone through several dark nights of the soul, mostly around romantic relationships, feeling an emotion, feeling I should not have that emotion, and spiraling into self-criticism and shame.

    I think the concept of a tone scale contributes to this. Though I long ago ditched it as having any real validity, it carries with it a raft of unconscious assumptions. Some emotions are positive, some negative. A goal of processing is to eradicate negative emotions, to "fix it," as Sallydance said. Grief, anger, fear, shame are all aberrations to be eliminated.

    Feeling I am a bad person because of my "bad" emotions, and trying to make my emotions go away makes them stronger until they are all I can think about and my joy in living is gone.

    Also, Scientology enforces isolation, which works against self-compassion. We couldn't talk about our "case," or "invalidate the state of clear," or share doubts about the church, and so the belief must grow that we are the only ones experiencing doubts or falling short of Homo Novis or fudging our success stories. Pretty easy to feel bad about yourself when everyone else is getting 100% results and WOWs and !!!!!s. Am I an SP? Did I not do it right?

    All this serves Scn of course -- customers will give more money and time in order to feel better about themselves. I bet a lot of those big IAS contributions are attempts at self-soothing.

    And of course Scientology's subjective processing is about as "heady" as it gets. You're diving into your brain, and into LRH's. Shades of "Being John Malkovich." It's the opposite of mindfulness. Mindishness?

    I hadn't thought about it before, but the really dark fearful self-loathing periods have almost all come after Scn. That is an encouraging observation.

    I'm feeling relief already and I'm looking forward to practicing this stuff more. Thanks again.
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2014
  12. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous


    Thank you for such sharing Orglodyte!
    Reading your post is like getting a fresh shower after a long work day!
    Refreshing for the mind and very much lucid.

    You are a proof of what taking a few moment to against the cult's forbidden Introspection, one for oneselve can bring about as a relief. Only you know who you are and what's your own path!

    I am so much happy if one person is getting such good benefit.
    The pain that comes with bringing under the light what was hidden is the pain of lies and lack of self-compassion. As soon as one fall into it, it's the first step to climb his own Everest, insearch of knowing himself and learn to love the true self wich is a fantastic journey of awareness. A welcome journey in the Here&Now!

    I am really happy you are on your path with a strong pair of shoes. :happydance:

    Hope it's okay if I make a few reply in red!

    :yes: We can feel it with this beautifull enlighting writing!

    You are encountering the most beautifull being - YOU!

    I look forward to read your next comments on your path and thank you for such sharing. I lke so much to read people about their path and discoveries - it's of great help!
  13. Orglodyte

    Orglodyte Patron with Honors

    "Despite years of meditation, I never knew what self-compassion was and still had the self-criticism pattern. Now it's wayyyyyyyyyy better since I have been introduced to the fact we shall love ourselves."

    I so get it, lotus. Self-criticism sure doesn't help meditation much.

    All I have to do is treat myself as well as I would a friend … duh!

    Looking forward to the "repressed emotions become obsessive" part, don't think I'm quite there yet. Mind virus, trojan, yes, good analogy, that's what it feels like.

    Thanks for your kind encouragement, I'm feeling a lot of relief. Just the right book for me to read. :)
  14. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous


    ''All I have to do is treat myself as well as I would a friend"

    Yes, very much simple - when it gets to the heart :wink2:
  15. sallydannce

    sallydannce Gold Meritorious Patron

    I love love love this thread. It makes me want to dance! When I read your posts, Orglodyte, Knows and Lotus, I danced. With my cat cos he loves to dance too. He drapes himself over my shoulder and away we go. :)

    The scientology methods are very limiting. I'm not saying this to be cynical or shitty or anything negative. I am saying it based on my experience. The journey I desired, unnamed, un-charted, and without a map, is not available in scientology. Only I can go deep inside. I need only my breath and to feel it all. Yes I have listened and read and sought the views/support of others, but the greatest wonder is all within. The trick is to get comfortable with the energy, the capacity to relentlessly love and the dark corners of the reality of being human. It takes guts to know thyself. It takes courage to let go of stuff that has served one for decades. It is so comfortable clinging to the old thoughts and old behaviour.

    If all one wants to do is regurgitate patterns and parrot formulas and become expert at an inauthentic "happy" then scientology is terrific. The honest truth is it did serve me for some years until I woke up. The waking up from it all was painful, and the deprogramming excruciating.

    Scientology taught me to stupefy and numb my emotions. The tone scale is a stupid emotional chart that attempts to regulate something (emotions) that simply is not possible, without damaging consequences. A healthy human is capable of feeling it all - a full range of emotions - with resilience and an internal capacity for self-regulation and impulse control. Scientologists are mentally bashing through so much noise, moment by moment. It goes something like this:

    "What tone is this person in front of me in? What type of behaviour matches that tone? What tone am I in to be slightly above their tone?" Fcuk! What a load of non-mindful crap. How damn judgmental and superior is that? It's like reading shopping lists in the head, all the time. Noisy!

    Internally there is so much noise there is little to no room left for the individual to gently explore their own emotions and behaviour at a rate that works for them. There is no room for an individual to self-soothe or for self-compassion. I contend this is by design. Get someone so wound up mentally, hurl ideas, ideas, ideas, at them, rush them along, hurry, hurry, hurry, and you lead the person away from themselves. Shove a few carrots in their mouths, tell them how wonderful they are, praise them when they produce more and more of what you want (and meddle with their heads when they don't), tell them you need them to help you with a very very important save-the-world plan and you have yourself a mind-controlling destructive system.

    Scientologists are the baffled and the blind. I used to be one of them. It is one hell of a ride out of the mess but thankfully there are truly loving folk like Chris Germer and Kristin Neff who, for about $19.95, bring a whole new fresh workable path home to self.

    And I love you! :flowers:
  16. Orglodyte

    Orglodyte Patron with Honors

    Beautiful post, Sallydannce. Great visual of dancing with your cat. I used to have a shoulder-rider, a little black shorthair.

    I'll tell you what was bugging me that led me to order the book. I fell crazy in love last year, really over the moon, every cell in my body rising to its little feet and cheering, and then after five months, with everything going really well, the terrific cloud-nine experience went away as mysteriously as it had arrived. I felt horrible about myself, like I had done something bad, so guilty about having lost that feeling that I could hardly look at the person in question, no way could I tell them about it, started feeling like I was faking my affection, blah blah down the rabbit hole.

    Well, here's the news -- it always happens. To everyone. The book even mentions this, how often somebody goes into one of these self-critical spins after the infatuation phase of a relationship wears off in 4 to 6 months. Not only normal but right on schedule!

    That self-compassion snapped me out of both halves of the trance, light and dark, and I feel suddenly normal about my friend too, like "oh, this person is not an archetype to be worshipped or feared, but a human being with neuroses, and every emotion, and coming in with bruises, and growing, just like me."

    Tuning into the actual feeling of "not being crazy mad in love with somebody," I realize it's not so bad … actually feels like … um, nothing really, there aren't any symptoms, it just feels sort of normal … hey wait this is how it is with my real friends! The thinking about the emotion, the self-criticism, the rumination and rejection of the experience -- that's where the pain was, not in the experience itself.

    Now I can go forward and explore this very cool connection as itself, in the moment, with a fellow real person. Got a great night's sleep.

    Bonus: I can enjoy this without immediately having to see the registrar!
  17. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    I enjoy very much to read you guys!

    When I go to bed, at night, it's time for some ''deep thinking'' about it!
    Since I started to read this book and let the work to be done, I started to get some missing pieces of the puzzle.

    Then, when I read your posts, and someothers, on the message board, writen from people who walked, are walking with courage their mindfull path , sharing what they discovered ,
    it's like the puzzle pieces all get together in one piece, in front of my eyes.

    No floating needle
    no theta bop

    Only a soul at peace, feeling soothed and getting the comfort of equanimity , even when the river is very much agitated.
    Learning to swim is very much more of worth than tring to stop the flow! :eyeroll:

    * I see someone else in the mirror - not a BT doing things,
    An interesting soul smiling at me:wink2:
    And I see beautifull souls around me and here too!
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2014
  18. Orglodyte

    Orglodyte Patron with Honors

  19. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

    :bump2: Great thread/thoughts. :thumbsup: Thanks, People. :yes: :grouphug:
  20. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    Don't stop there. I enjoy your incoherent thoughts too.

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