Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

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  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Nominated for two (2) of the Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology. . .

    When the the PC/OT has just finished their current auditing level and they are "attesting" and the Examiner asks them quirky question #1:

    ABOUT ATTESTING TO (insert name of miraculous level)?

    The PC/OT always answers: "No!" Always. The Examiner always smiles knowingly and responds, "your needle is floating", to which the proud attester triumphantly smiles to themselves.

    And then. . .

    The "Success Officer" then examines the same PC/OT and asks them quirky question #2:


    The PC/OT always says: "Yes!" More floating needles, even more glowing pride ensues.

    These questions are not just random or innocuous pleasantries to pass the time. There are designed with a purpose. So, what does it all mean?

    ANSWER: These are two (2) of Scientology's favorite gimmicks.

    The cult has countless gimmicks to derail, deceive, de-sensitize and destabilize both "raw meat" wogs and their own parishioners. Within the cult, the gimmick is the holiest and most remunerative religious practice because this is how Scientologists disarm the common sense of others--and thereby "8-C" (finesse) them to do what Scientology wants them to do.

    Example: Over on the Underground Bunker website today, there is a very entertaining article about Kirstie Alley attesting to OT VIII, the highest level attainable (on this planet). Kirstie quite obviously knew the right answers to the above two gimmick questions ("yes" and "no"). They are gimmicks because:

    * Asking a Scientologist if they have any "doubts or reservations" is identical to asking them if they have "certainty". Certainty is the highest attribute/status a Scientologist can attain. No Scientologist would ever admit to not having "certainty" because that is "Q & A" and "downtone" and "effect" and "degraded". Hey, who wants to confess to the most amazing OTs in the universe that you are a "DB"? Asking a Scientologist that question is like asking an aspiring actress: "Do you have any desire to win an Academy Award?" or a person who is thinking about buying a lottery ticket: "Would you ever want to have 480 million dollars?"​

    * Asking a Scientologist if they want others to have the same "case gain" (wins) as their own, is simply another version of the rhetorical "questions" for which there is only one answer---Ron's answer. It's not a question, it's a suggestion.​

    That last one is one of the best gimmicks Scientologists run on each other that triggers the instantaneous shutdown of logic and common sense. It also induces amnesia and explains why Scientologists KEEP GOING UP THE BRIDGE, wasting fortunes and decades without achieving ANY of the magical states & powers they keep attesting to.

    The explanation is a little difficult to articulate because what happens at that moment is so subtle. Let's break it down for clarity:

    -- Wog joins Scientology hoping to achieve Clear & OT and all the supernaturally miraculous powers therein.​

    -- New Scientologist does level after level, attesting each time that they "want others to have similar case gain to their own".​

    -- Scientologist affirms "YES!!!"​

    -- Scientologist attests to the level.​

    -- Scientologist is immediately "routed" to the register to "ruin" them (again) sufficiently to compel them to cough up many tens of thousands of dollars more for their "next level". Because the "next level" will "handle everything!"​

    -- Scientologist never was allowed to pause for a moment to enjoy or even test out their new OT superpower.​

    -- The moment the Scientologist got close to attesting they were INSTANTLY asked if they wanted others to have the same OT powers as their. ("Yes", right?)​

    -- But they never got any OT powers.​

    -- Ergo, the instant they are going to attest they are purposely and treacherously misdirected to something else---answering if they wanted others to have these amazing OT powers they have. So, all the attention goes onto their "responsibility" of getting people into Scientology and "moving up their Bridge".​

    -- The amnesia is so thorough the Scientologist "forgets" that they never got the OT superpower of that level. They go from NOT HAVING IT (one moment) to WISHING OTHERS HAD IT (the very next moment).​

    -- Now the Scientologist is expected to use those new miraculous powers to Clear the planet.​

    -- Big job, Clearing planets. That keeps them in overwhelm and too busy to think about what just happened.​

    Now is all this just entertaining fiction? LOL. Was it all just made up or do Scientologists really become rendered stupid by this gimmick. Let's find out what really happens---

    We now drop back in on Kirstie's OT VIII success speech and her verbatim quote:

    “I’ve seen many New OT VIIIs attest at graduation.
    How new and shiny they felt and how their
    desire to help others had taken huge strides.
    I wanted to be like them!"

    Even moments after completing OT VIII Kirstie is already focused on others' "desire to help others". Nobody is talking about the OT powers they just got. They are FOCUSED ON, and THINKING ABOUT and TALKING ABOUT helping others become as OT as they are. Remember that question? ("Do you want others to have similar gains to your own?)

    Seconds after the "success officer" asked her that question on the Scientology lie detector, Kirstie is parroting the Command Channel mandate to no longer worry about her own (ostensibly erased) case---or the painfully obvious fact that she did not actually acquire ANY of the OT powers she paid for and just now claimed to have attained. No. Now Kirstie is supposed to worry about OTHERS getting those OT powers, like her own.

    Scientology. It's all about. . .


    Planetary Clearing.

    Salvaging This Sector.

    This is a brilliantly insidious gimmick. To take a homo sapiens and sell them miraculous powers and never allow them a moment to try out their new powers. And to make it "illegal" for them to show others their superpowers. And to never TEST them (during the "attest") to examine if they actually GOT the superpowers.

    Nobody is talking about the superpowers.

    Kirstie is, instead, talking about feeling "shiny".

    Kirstie is, instead, talking bout how she hopes to use her superpowers to save mankind.

    Scientology leaders love this gimmick, because it keeps everyone competing & judging their status-generating OT powers by how much income they can create for the cult. The elite winners don't win any OT powers, but they do get awesome sounding titles and jumbo medallions.
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2018
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  2. Churchill

    Churchill Gold Meritorious Patron

    A very insightful post!
    You notice these subtleties like a hawk circling a field mouse from 700 feet.
    Kirstie’s expression of the OT8 win (delusion), and the re-worked “acceptable truth” success story marks another step in the continuing devolution of Scientology.
    I especially hope it’s noticed by the trolls who pop in now and then.
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  3. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    More from the Church of Gimmickology. . .

    Scientology wants to meter-check you to ensure that you have no doubts/reservations about your OT powers.

    Scientology also wants to meter-check you, to scientifically confirm that you DO want others to have OT powers like your own.

    This is very kind of them, right? They are very, very concerned that you DID get the OT powers you paid over $500,000 for. We should be very grateful that they care about us so much, no? lol

    Imagine Billy Blowdown (Ideal Scientologist), growing up with a dream to become the world's greatest juggler. And they are so determined to achieve this goal that they eventually hire the (current, but retiring) world's greatest juggler to be their personal mentor until they "make it"!

    The 98 year old Master MOJO ("Miracle of Juggling Omniscience") accepts the deal to be their full time trainer @ $125,000 per year. It takes five years = $625,000. Billy takes advantage of the pre-payment package rate discount and gives Master Mojo $500,000 in advance. Whoa! Same price as Scientology.....quelle coïncidence!

    At the end of the 5th year Master MOJO calls Billy into his office and looks at him with beaming pride, much like Master Po looks at Kane when he is finally able to perform an OT feat:

    ("When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave.").​


    Other than the very minor discrepancy that Scientology NEVER allows anyone to leave, let us continue our inspiring story of how Billy Blowdown used Ron's tech to acquire OT powers that allowed him to become the Michael Jordan of Juggling!

    So, Billy, it is time for you to leave. You now have the paranormal
    power to do what no juggler has ever done before!

    (Billy chokes back tears, unable to speak)
    You mean the legendary juggling feat that......

    Yes, it is true Billy. Even though you have never juggled more
    than 7 spheres at the same time, perhaps you now have the divine
    universal power to break the world juggling record of 11 objects.

    You mean it is not a myth, Master Mojo? I
    really can be the first juggler in history to
    juggle a dozen balls?

    You can juggle the dozen if your mind is emptied
    of all impurities of uncertainty. Are you ready
    for that ultimate juggling test?

    Yes, Master Mojo. I am ready. . .

    Then let us begin the test. . .

    But, Master Mojo, I did not bring any
    juggling spheres with me today.

    You do not need the spheres today. You
    only need to take the test. You see, the
    juggling is in your mind. Are you ready?

    In my mind? Um, well...
    Yes, I am ready Master Mojo!

    Okay then Billy Blowdown, the test begins.
    Do you have any Doubts or Reservations that
    you can perform the impossible
    dozen sphere juggling miracle?


    You have done well Billy Blowdown.
    A final question before you leave and
    go back to the world. Do you want
    others to have the same miraculous
    juggling powers that you now have?

    Yes, Master Mojo, yes!

    Then you are ready to leave.
    Good bye Billy Blowdown.

    I can never thank you enough
    Master Mojo for the priceless
    powers you have given me!
    How can I ever repay you?

    You owe me nothing, Billy. Just go forth
    and tell the world of your miraculous powers.
    And send me more half-million dollar clients, like you,
    and I'll kick back 10% of my take, capisce?

    Last edited: Mar 21, 2018
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  4. ILove2Lurk

    ILove2Lurk Lisbeth Salander

    Au contraire mon ami . . . :evillaugh:

    I know a full OT7 husband who had one-time trysts with
    7-8 different women, all while making occasional trips to Flag.
    Successfully hid it from his wife for a decade before being
    found out and forced reveal it all.

    I'd say that's a "superpower" of sorts. Most people can't get
    away with infidelity for that long.

    That said, he was probably assisted by the blind faith of his
    true-believer wife about the invincibility of the tech and the
    utter impossibility of something like this ever happening.
    Oh, well. :shrug:

    Don't ask me how I know all this. :coolwink:
  5. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    That sounds very outpointy to me. We had better consult with a high level OT on how that is even possible. I mean, the guy was getting Flag auditing! On a meter! WTF??????

    Oh, wait, something is coming in on the telex line. . .

  6. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    And the award goes to . . .







  7. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    They know it deep in their heart and their thetan :oops:

    And they wanna share it with all bros and sis ;)
  8. Karen#1

    Karen#1 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Remember how the Cult would order staff and public to *NOT* see certain movies ? LOL "The Exorcist" was off limits and if you saw it, ....heavy ethics.
    Hilarious since OT III to OT OT VIII is entirely exorcism !

    On another site someone posted an old issue by Ron Hopkins. Such a likeable guy. I remember when he was Commanding Officer, of the FOLO (now CLO) United Kingdom.

    Of course he was subsequently declared a Suppressive Person.
    Is anyone NOT suppressive ? LOLOL
    Hoppy as he was known affectionately has been gone gone gone and done with all of the cult. Now I will Email him to get him to blush and then roll on the floor laughing ~~
    Here's the issue ~~

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  9. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    HolyHell! If that is an actual HCO Ethics Order, it's one of the most hilariously creepy-culty-crazy issues in the entire history of Scientology's legendary compendium of bizarre behavior.

    That certainly is a re-type, I wonder if anyone has a photocopy/scan of the original?

    In the mean time. . .

    "Please God, let it be a real Ethics Order
    banning arguably the greatest sci-fi movie
    of all time---by a cult whose totalitarian guru is
    arguably the worst sci-fi writer of all time."

    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
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  10. Karen#1

    Karen#1 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Thank you HH. No no, this is an authentic issue.
    It is absolute nonsense and a complete inconsistency that by doing Scientology, you will be stronger, have more freedom, be more POWERFUL and yet you cannot see a MOVIE, because you are so fragile that you would get "restimulated" Bah !
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  11. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Yes, I know that Scientology has put countless things on their "FORBIDDEN" list, LOL.

    But, 99.99% of the time the COS (Crimewave of Scientology) does it "covertly", without putting anything "in writing".

    There are notable exceptions, such as the time Hubbard actually published a sociopathic "Ethics Order" mandating the murder of Scientologists who defected (escaped) from the cult with super-secret information---that they dared to reveal without vast sums of money being paid to Hubbard for his "priceless" OT Levels. [see Wiki at LINK]

    I remember in my young-n-dumb days (auditing professionally) when the movie THE EXORCIST came out and was banned. All done on a "hidden data line" without putting it in writing, naturally. A mission exec PC, being audited by another pro, "spun in" from watching that movie. And they had to be given an auditing "REVIEW" to handle the "whole track restim", LOL.

    When wogs see a scary movie they say: "Wow, I got scared!"

    When Scientologists see a scary movie they say: "Wow I am so OT that I am perceiving wholetrack implants and other confidential information that is ruining my case---that Scientology is handling for me. As an elite big being on this planet, I am so upstat that I am going to pay tens of thousands of dollars to use the miraculous advanced technology to erase the betrayal of psychiatrists who implanted me trillions of years ago, which is why I can't exteriorize, levitate and mock up billions of dollars like I used to be able to do. And, oh yeah, I used to blow up planets--actually entire galaxies! So, all this will get handled in my next session. So, as you can clearly see, I wasn't scared--I just have OT knowingness."

    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
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  12. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Axiom #1: Scientologists have so much confront that they never get "scared". They are just so OT that they are bumping into their next advanced level.

    Axiom #2: Scientologists, like Ron, never "die". They are just so OT that they are shedding their impediment to research the next advanced level.

    If it happens to a wog, it's because they are a downtone, total effect DB.​

    If it happens to an OT, it's because Scientology works so well that......well---ummmm---advanced level!!

    PRO SCN TIP: If you can't explain it to homo sapiens (or yourself), just use the terms "advanced level". If that doesn't work, also throw in the term "on this planet".

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  13. screamer2

    screamer2 Idiot Bastards' Son

    PRO SCN TIP: If you can't explain it to homo sapiens (or yourself), just use the terms "advanced level". If that doesn't work, also throw in the term "on this planet".

    Don't forget this: "in this sector of the guhAXEie"
  14. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    All those thousands of audio lectures, all those tens of thousands of bulletins and other written material.......lecturing with infallible certitude poor little homo sapiens degraded beings---from the altitudinous heights Hubbard soared to when he "rose above" mankind.

    There he was, Dr. Hubbard, in all his operating thetan glory, laughing at the plight of small beings trapped in their MEST bodies, which HE effortlessly commanded the physical universe and cured all his meat-body's ailments with miraculous auditing techniques.

    Yet, there he was in the end days, riddled with body somatics, debilitating illness and ranting like the deranged narcissist he always was.

    And that's how it all ended.

    With nothing. No OT.

    No anything at all. Just a bunch of money in a cult bank account.

    Just a crazy con man and a wake of immeasurable destruction that consumed all within his toxic gravity--including himself.

    How far the reborn Buddha fell, from those celestial heights when he spoke of ga-LUX-ies and salvaging this sector.

    He was never "total cause" over anything, except stealing money and dreams.

    My conclusion to this entire avariciously cruel hoax........

    No, I don't want anyone else to
    have similar gains to my own!"


    Last edited: Apr 4, 2018
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  15. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Nominated for honors in an entirely new category of stupid. . .

    Stultissimus Stultorum
    The stupidest of the stupid

    This highly prestigious award goes to L. Ron Hubbard's "ideal" Second Dynamic with Mary Sue Hubbard.

    Ron often bragged about his perfect "2D". He was so brilliant at marriage that he even developed "2D Technology" which could miraculously save anyone's marriage.



    Hey all you Homo Sapiens, Ron here! No more need for enturbulating & lavishly expensive divorces!
    Now, due to breakthroughs you can buy my miraculous marriage-saving book for only $4.99!
    Results may vary and some beings may additionally need a 2-D Co-Audit, which
    our Church ministers will be more than happy to delivery to you at no cost
    whatsoever. You see our ministers have taken vow of poverty & they only
    make pennies per hour. There is a minor donation we humbly request
    for some our meager administrative costs (e.g. paper for worksheets,
    electricity to charge the e-meter, et al) but this is typically not
    more than $25,000 to $50,000. But the results are guaranteed
    and your marriage will be saved! For some individuals with
    heavy unhandled cases they may also require personal
    case debugging and Grade Chart levels so that they
    can go through Clear and OT III, but again the
    donations there are usually not more
    than $500,000 plus accommodations
    and whatever other donations
    are required to get your
    ethics/exchange in
    and save the

    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
  16. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Part II:

    Stultissimus Stultorum
    The stupidest of the stupid

    Mary Sue Hubbard was an Ideal wife to her Ideal husband Ron.


    She was so Ideal that she wrote an Ideal book to help mankind and womankind have a perfect marriage like theirs!


    This was in keeping with Ron's discovery that in order for Scientologists to get into POWER (like Ron and Mary Sue) they needed to read, study, duplicate and apply Ron and Sue's "Power Hat" pack that contained all of their "successful actions" and tech of how to be happy together and flourish & prosper on this planet.

    Unfortunately, due to scheduling and other conflicts, Mary Sue Hubbard was unable to find the time to update her book after it was published. This was due to the DevT caused by the government when they indicted and prosecuted her for multiple felonies against the USA. Even more DevT ensued when they convicted and sent her to federal prison---simply for following her Ideal husband's harmless Ideal advice---that an Ideal wife should be quite happy to infiltrate the federal government and steal, sabotage and destroy their records in the most egregious espionage case in American history. Ideally, that's the Ideal marriage hat, on this planet.

    Thus, Mary Sue was unable to pass along the parts of her Ideal Power Hat which explained why it is a huge win to go to prison for your husband so he can remain free and write sci-fi books. Then when you are eventually release as a convicted felon on parole, she could have helped so many by detailing the successful action of why it's good to be disconnected by your husband who never talks to you, writes to you or even sees you again. And we also missed the exciting success stories from Mary Sue on being denied the money/assets of your husband's estate when he dies, so that you can live alone, contract cancer and die. All of that was such DevT, especially the part about dying from cancer since her husband Ron had discovered the technology to cure cancer in 100% of all cases by smoking more cigarettes and receiving a few touch assists1.

    CONCLUSION: Scientology sells lies. They can't save their own marriages or cure their own cancer, yet they "flourish and prosper" by defrauding others into giving them billions of dollars. Scientologists respond to the cruel hoax by standing, applauding, cheering & "flowing power" to their trusted and beloved leaders.

    1 This medical advice for terminal cancer patients is to smoke far more cigarettes (to "run out the radiation") and to get a few touch assists is actual Scientology scripture and "technology". This is neither hyperbole nor parody, quite tragically, and the specific evidence (e.g. bulletins, audio lectures, et al) of Hubbard's wickedly avaricious Charlatanism exists in other threads on this forum.

    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
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  17. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Announcing an all-new feature on the Stupid Thread. . .
    He contributed so much to mankind, the Church of Hoaxology has awarded him 100 hours of auditing!
    Do you feel sessionable, get enough rest?

    Why yes, I've been resting since 1986.

    Sounds great. Pick up the cans, Ron!
    Do you have an ARC break, Ron?
    That reads. . .

    OMG, as a matter of fact I do! I am soooooo upset
    with mankind. I gave them personal paradise since
    1950, but here we are 68 years later and we're being
    bombarded & buried in entheta!

    Anything else?

    Well, my God, yes! People are writing books against
    us and making documentaries against us, and there are
    countless websites dedicated to nothing else but destroying us!

    (glancing at meter)
    Wow, I'd like to indicate that there was a ton
    of by-passed-charge on that!

    I mean, there are even entire TV SHOWS dedicated
    to stirring up hate against us. Leah Remini's show was
    just picked up for a third season, can you fuckin' believe
    this shit?!

    Okay, Ron, let's assess this ARC Break. Was that
    a break in Affinity? Reality? Commun---------------

    We don't need to assess it, I can tell you right now
    that it's a break in affinity, because all I ever did was
    give mankind infinite love and this is how they repay
    me--with hatred, hatred, hatred! I mean, 99% of all
    Scientologists blow because they are spun in by all the
    hatred. The media hates us. Celebrities hate us. The
    man on the street hates us! EVERYBODY hates us!!!

    Thank you, I really got that Ron. Let's assess what kind
    of break in affinity it was. Was that a Curious about Affinity?
    Desired Affinity? Enfor----------------

    (interupts more forcefully)
    This is insanity! All those haters are low-toned, evil,hate-spewing bigots,
    hate-spewing out-ethics criminals, hate-spewing psych-loving implanters,
    hate-spewing suppressives and hate-spewing nazi terrorists!

    You seem to be a tad nattery there, sir?
    Do you have similar overts
    of your own?

    Whattttttt?!!! What the hell do you mean? What kind of overts?
    This is insane, where did you ever get such an insane question?

    From you, sir, it's in your tech to ask a critical PC for similar crimes
    to the ones they are obsessively nattering about.

    I'm not nattering. I am giving exact time, place, form and event
    in order to bring about an as-isness. So fuck off and give me
    another question.

    I'll repeat the auditing question. What similar overts do you have
    of your own in the area of hate-spewing crimes?

    ...can't think of a thing. I'm feeling F/Ney, check your meter

    ...that......that.....that.....what was that?

    Um... nothing. False read.

    What did you think of that gave a false read?

    Um....really nothing, just was thinking about how I never
    spew hatred and then I cognited that I really need to write
    a black OP for OSA to put up hate websites on all those critics,
    spread lies and deal agent character assassination about them to
    their employers and friends and family. And then to put a dozen
    sleazy Private Investigators on aggressively gang-stalking them and
    putting terror into their little fucking hateful hearts.

    Thank you. Who nearly found out about you doing that?

    Whatttt? You're wayyyy off track there buddy. I didn't get off
    my withholds, I'm getting off theirs. What I said about terrorizing
    them with hate websites and such, that's just me sending them tons
    of love by helping them get their ethics in so they can be free and happy.

    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
  18. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Just think about it. . .

    Scientology has had 68 years to create friends, allies and good will.

    Yet, all they did is create hatred against themselves. The public routinely reacts to Scientology by rejecting, reviling and ridiculing it.

    How hard is it to not make people HATE you?

    The answer to that is an exact metric on how miraculously or miserably the tech works.

  19. FoTi

    FoTi Crusader

    I was living at the Manor at the time that we were told not to go see the Exorcist. A guy living upstairs (over my room) went to see the movie....came home and tried to jump out his third floor window. His roommate stopped him and he was on baby watch for the next 3 days. Scared the hell out of me.....I could hear what was going on upstairs....he was flipped out and very noisy for a while.
  20. FoTi

    FoTi Crusader

    I think I met that guy at the dining table, in the Lemon Tree, when I was at Flag.....or someone with similar story. At least that's what he told me.