Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

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  1. HelluvaHoax!

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    Hey, Scientology! If an SP can have a hit tv show on
    Scientology, why can't OTs have a hit tv show on Scientology?

    But, we do have a hit tv show on Scientology, haven't
    you see our cable tv channel that runs 24/7?

    That's hardly a hit tv show. You people pay
    for that programming but nobody watches it.

    Not true! Our stats prove that our
    program is a breakout blockbuster success!

    What stats? It's not even listed in
    the top 1000 most watched shows.

    Wrong! Our show is loved by hundreds of millions around the world!

    Where did you get that information?

    From our leader, Mr. Miscavige.
    He never lies--because he's ethical.

    Ethical? Really? Isn't that the guy who kicks,
    imprisons, chokes and beats his staff bloody?


    But there have been many former Scientology staff that have
    given sworn affidavits that he viciously assaulted and beat them up.

    No, people only attack our leader because we are winning.

    WInning? Whatttttt?
    What are you even talking about. Who's winning?

    Obviously Mr. Miscavige is winning. He beat the living
    crap out of those DBs, they can't fight worth shit.


    Last edited: Jan 15, 2019
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  2. HelluvaHoax!

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    cross-posted from another thread discussing Scientology's view of "Ethics vs Morals"

    - - -
    posted by Guanoloco
    I just ran Hubbard's definition of ethics through a CULT'S IDIOTIC IDIOMtm translator:

    "Putting ethics in" - Putting deposits in

    "It's a personal thing" - It's a personal Swiss bank account

    "By his own determinism" - Discretionary funds

    "Done by himself" - Spent by himself (i.e. inurement)

    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
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  3. HelluvaHoax!

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    8th Dynamic - the Supreme Being

    TRANSLATION: The Supreme Source of Scientology and/or the party that currently has legal custody & control of the bank account, mimeo machine and goldenrod paper.

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  4. HelluvaHoax!

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    Stupid Scientology Scriptural Slogans: "WE COME BACK!"

    WTF IS IT? The sacred motto of the Scientology's most responsible, elite, total cause & paranormally powerful Sea Organization.

    WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? That "a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away" Scientologists were (in their previous incarnations) attempting to "Clear The Planet" and "Salvage This Sector", but miserably failed. And now, hundreds of trillions of years later, they finally got their act together and are ready to deliver what they promised. So, now they have "come back"! They apparently waited this long to invoke the statute of limitation on refunds.

    WAIT A MINUTE, WHY DID THEY FAIL IF THEY HAD ALL THE TECH BACK THEN? Based on scientific wholetrack research done by a doctor and nuclear physicist, the tech trillions of years ago was only missing one tiny little thing. The "Correction Department". Please recall that hundreds of trillions of years ago beings were perfect and therefore did not need any correction. But, at some point they began goofing up. Problem was, nobody knew what to do when they made a mistake. The word "correction" was not even a word yet! So, when nobody was going Clear or OT back then they did not correct the problem. However, now they are back and know to route all problems to the correction department who knows how to solve everything. The great part of this discovery is that the Corrections Department can be run by just one15 year old that flunked out of high-school---that's how streamlined the tech has become---and THAT is what has now made planetary clearing a reality!

    HOW DO WE KNOW THAT RON'S WHOLETRACK RESEARCH IS REALLY REAL? Because it is not just his opinion, it's science and on top of that it's religious scripture!

    YEAH BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THAT HIS RELIGIOUS SCRIPTURE IS NOT JUST SHIT THAT HE MADE UP? Because right in the scripture itself it states that it is science.

    WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! IS IT SCIENCE OR IS IT SCRIPTURE? It's scientific scripture. And there's technology to support both of those. Therefore, if you don't believe the scripture, we can help you by using precise scientific instruments to locate the word you didn't understand that is preventing you from understanding the self-evident fact that Dr. Hubbard is infallible.


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  5. HelluvaHoax!

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    QUESTION: If Scientology abided by Truth-In-Advertising practices, what then would the Sea Org motto be?


    (when we are able to raise your credit card limits)

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  6. HelluvaHoax!

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    A very perplexing KSW KOAN. . .

    If, per Dianetics, the engram is the cause of all human suffering and therefore one is never supposed to speak aloud around unconscious people (to avoid ruining them with "engramic content"), why then did Hubbard consistently & flagrantly violate that rule- -by giving those many hundreds of (audiotaped) lectures to Scientologists?

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  7. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    To say nothing of their thousands of BTs.
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  8. HelluvaHoax!

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    "Scientology is the ultimate tool to discover the
    complete and exact truth about life and the universe."

    BECAUSE. . .

    Whatever Scientologists tell you, the truth is the complete
    and exact opposite. In this way, Scientology's lies
    (inadvertently & paradoxically) leads
    you to discover the truth.

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  9. HelluvaHoax!

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    That seems to be a key engramic phrase within Scientology. . . "say nothing":

    • One must "say nothing" during TR-0.
    • One must "say nothing" around an unconscious person.
    • One must disconnect and "say nothing" to SPs.
    • One must "say nothing" about the fact that Clear and OT powers don't exist.
    • One must "say nothing" (using TR-0) while one is being defrauded & bankrupted on the Bridge to ideal, total say nothingness.


    If Hubbard truly believed that one must say nothing in the vicinity of an unconscious person. . .

    He would have said nothing in those 1,837 audiotaped lectures he gave to Scientolgists.

    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
  10. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    :roflmao: :laugh:

    That is SO funny! Which gets me to thinking, what else does the cult haz in its titanium pocketses?!

    What a story it will tell to the future of mankind!
    demo kit
    an ashtray
    a pack of Kools
    a cheap gold plated OT necklace next to
    Hubbard's skull
    a roll of toilet paper
    Prescription bottles for pinks & greys and Vistaril
    Hubbard's failed BT zapper
    a recording of 'Thank you for Listening'

  11. DagwoodGum

    DagwoodGum Squirreling Dervish

    Making the clammy scam work for you!

    HelluvaHoax! said:

    "Scientology. It is the ultimate tool to know the truth about life and the universe---because whatever Scientologists tell you, the truth is the exact and complete opposite. In this way Scientology (inadvertently & paradoxically) leads you to the truth."
  12. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Say nothing to merchants of chaos

    Say nothing to staff when routing off staff

    Say nothing to Power Pcs

    Say nothing to RPFers

    Say nothing about the confidential levels

    ...when in doubt...communicate.

    ...communication is the universal solvent.

    ...the biggest crimes of the universe...being there and communicating.
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  13. Operating DB

    Operating DB Truman Show Dropout

    Yes, the cult of paradoxes and contradictions.
    The Church of Say Nothingology.
    Thank you all for those incisive observations. You've really honed your obnosis skills. lol
  14. TheOriginalBigBlue

    TheOriginalBigBlue Gold Meritorious Patron

    ...and especially say nothing to the police and the courts. Keep everything in-house. Take it to the Ethics Officer or Chaplain:

    Bixler dated Masterson for six years and says that he raped her at least twice when she was unconscious. One morning in 2001, she says, she woke up in pain with her anus bleeding. When she asked Masterson what had happened the night before, she says, he told her “We had anal sex.” According to Bixler, when she confronted Masterson about his callousness and said she hadn’t been able to consent, he replied, “Stop it, you’re making me feel bad.”
    Bixler was a Scientologist at the time ― as Masterson was and still is ― so she filed what’s known as a knowledge report to the Church ethics office. One of the key policies of the Church of Scientology is that a Scientologist must never report another Scientologist to law enforcement. (They’re also not allowed to sue fellow Scientologists.) Filing a police report would have led the Church to declare Bixler a suppressive person ― a harsher form of excommunication that would have required any Scientologist to immediately “disconnect” from her.
    Bixler filed the knowledge report with the Church, but was told by Church officials that what happened to her couldn’t be considered rape because she was in a relationship with Masterson. She says the Church repeatedly threatened her to stay silent, and that in 2002 it coerced her, under the threat of being declared a suppressive person, to sign an agreement releasing Masterson from any claims, including palimony.
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  15. HelluvaHoax!

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    Do you know why you've been routed to Ethics?

    I am assuming it's about the OT VIII who stole
    $500,000 from my bank account and---

    No! It's not that.

    Well I hadn't finished. After they stole
    the money, they stole my car and---

    No, that's not it.

    If I can please continue, after they stole my money and my car, they
    ran over me and then backed up and ran over me again, leaving
    me for dead after they stole my diamond ring and Rolex.

    No, no and no.

    You mean when I was in the hospital and that same sociopath came in
    my room while I was unconscious and unplugged my life support
    machines so they could cash in--using the fake will that they
    forged to collect my life insurance money after I died?


    Then why am I here?

    You are here because when you regained
    consciousness you filed a police report.


    Well, first of all the person you are attacking
    is an OT VII. That's a total PR flap for Scientology.


    So, we have issued a non enturbulation order
    on you, if you keep spreading this entheta
    to others, you will be declared SP.

    What do I do about the OT VIII who tried to murder me?

    Well you can start by doing an amends project and donating
    money to the IAS--in order to make up the damage.

    I don't get it. What damage?

    The damage is sabotaging Ron's goal of
    a world without insanity and criminality.

    Really? how did I sabotage Ron's goal? What about
    my goal to not be robbed and murdered?

    You sabotaged Scientology and endangered this
    planet and mankind by filing that police report.
    The police arrested the OT VII.

    And that endangers

    The OT VIII was in jail for 5 days before bailing
    out and he missed all those days on course and our
    Ideal Org's STUDENT POINTS stat totally crashed.

    Did the OT VIII also get sent to ethics?

    Unnecessary. They have ethics protection. They donated
    $500,000 to the Way To Happiness project last week.

    Hey! That was my money! So if someone gives you people my stolen
    money they can do anything they want and nothing happens to them?!

    Oh, no. Something definitely happens to them. They
    get a huge humanitarian medallion. Matter of fact
    the IAS Awards are tonight and the OT VIII is getting
    the Freedom Medal of Humanitarianism. Hey, I don't see
    you on the list of confirmed. You definitely need to be
    there as part of your amends, especially to flow power
    to power. So can we count on you to be there?

    I have to go applaud the insane
    asshole who tried to murder me?

    No, we aren't saying that. You won't actually be in the
    auditorium, you are assigned to the cleanup crew out back
    where the food dumpster bags are--it's part of your amends
    project. You're lucky we are even letting you attend
    an event like that with such super-upstat OTs.​
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
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  16. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    The game where everyone wins.
  17. HelluvaHoax!

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    cross-posted from another thread where it was observed that
    political cults were identical to religious cults, like Scientology.

    - - - - - -

    Ksw Kult Koan: If every cult has one (1) evil enemy that is causing all the suffering in the world--and someone simultaneously belongs to three (3) cults [Social Justice Warrior, Nation of Islam & Scientology], then who is the evil enemy?



    I hesitate to feed anyone the CultCog, so take as much time as you need to mediate on this.

    It may take hours, days, weeks, years or decades---such is the price of enlightenment.

    What's that?

    This is annoying you say?

    You wish to expedite your illumination?

    You mean, you want a clue?

    My, my, my--there are no shortcuts to cosmic consciousness, my friend.



    You're still here?

    Expecting for me to "feed you the cog", were you?


    My friend, I would gladly have done that, if it were not for this simple technical fact.

    Feeding another being the CultCog can result in messing up a being's case.

    No, you'll pardon me if I do not screw up your eternity.

    I am thinking of you, the being.

    Think about your future, my friend.

    Do not keep asking for a quickie epiphany!

    Come back when you think you have the answer.

    We will be more than happy to let you know if you "made it".

    Good luck my friend!


    What the hell is going on here?

    I thought I told you to go mediate.

    Did you actually want to achieve supreme knowledge like me or not?

    Are you seriously desiring to attain the Bodhi state, or what?!

    I mean, what the hell are you doing?

    Spiritually speaking, if you're honestly looking to attain spiritual serenity, go fuckin' mediate!


    Okay, just this one time we are going to help you out.

    But, do not blame us if trillions of years from now the rest of us are master OTs, playing out in the stars with godlike miraculous powers, laughing and mocking up perfectly blissful dynamics and going to the best restaurants in the universe with our OT friends-----while you are back on Earth, and condemned to dine alone in the dark1.

    Okay, we tried to warn you.

    Last warning, spiritual spoiler ahead. Proceed at your own risk. . .

    If every cult has one (1) evil enemy that is causing all the suffering
    in the world--and someone simultaneously belongs to three (3) cults
    [Social Justice Warrior, Nation of Islam & Scientology],
    then who is the evil enemy?

    A rich, white psych


    1 Click here for link to: "DINE ALONE & IN THE DARK"

  18. HelluvaHoax!

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    Cross-posted from another thread discussing
    "THE GOLDEN AGE OF DELUSION", an excellent
    post by Mike Rinder over on his
    - - - - - -



    Or possibly a small desolate chain of Christian Science Reading Rooms Hubbard Science Clay-Demoing Rooms.

    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
  19. HelluvaHoax!

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    cross-posted from a thread discussing
    "The Tone Scale: How Valid Is It?"
    - - - - - -​

    What tone level was it when Dr. Hubbard:

    --lied about Dianetics being a "science" with real research and clinical case studies?

    --promoted and sold the non-existent state and abilities of a "clear"?

    --pretended he was an advanced spiritual being with supernatural powers?

    --claimed that he was the authority on "exteriorization"--something he was unable to do?

    --bragged that he alone had discovered and solved mankind's tragic ruin--Xenu's BTs?

    --imprisoned a hysterically crying 4 year old into a chain locker for days?

    --went on the run from authorities and civil lawsuits by hiding in a motorhome?

    --treacherously conspired to falsely imprison, drive insane and/or murder Paulette Cooper?

    --chronically "stole valor" by claiming to be a doctor, nuclear physicist, war hero and galactic savior?

    I guess that's enough tone-level spotting for one post.

    Were there any other questions about Hubbard's high-toned lying, high-toned fraud, high-toned sociopathy, high-toned treachery, high-toned criminality and high-toned sadism?
  20. HelluvaHoax!

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    a brand new feature on
    The Stupid Thread



    You would have to buy years worth of training at lavish expense
    to study Ron's wholetrack research and breakthough on the planet's
    only advanced and 100% workable technology for skydiving.

    And, you'd be required to purchase two (2) Standard Golden Age of Skydiving Parachutes.

    All that before you would be allowed to enjoy your first skydive.

    But before that, you would be required to get an "Invitation"
    from a person you never met or saw that would allow
    you to go to the airport to skydive.

    However, before you could go the airport, you would
    be required to demonstrate your "contributions" to
    the company that sold you the courses/parachutes
    and prove you helped introduce many other
    paying students to the business.

    But, before you would be allowed to board the shuttle van
    that would take you to the airport at a confidential location,
    you would have to pass a lie detector test to ensure you
    were going to use the parachute tech in an ethical way.

    When the van arrived at the airport, before being allowed off,
    you would be required to make a substantial donation to
    the IAS (International Association of Skydivers).

    Before being allowed on the plane you would have to turn in
    and pay for your two (2) parachutes to be "Silver Cert-ed"
    since it has been more than a year since you bought them.

    While you are waiting for your parachutes to come back, you
    would be required to rent a room at the Skydiving Hotel and
    after checking into your room, you would be informed that
    you needed to pay for and do a "Refresher Course" and
    a "Six Month Check" since you graduated the HSSSC (Hubbard
    Standard Skydiving Specialist Course) more than 181 days earlier.

    Once aboard the plane you would get a mandatory briefing
    where you would be informed that even though you were
    qualified to be on the skydiving plane and take off--
    you were not yet qualified to jump out of the plane
    when it was at altitude. In order to do that, you
    would have to make a substantial donation
    to the Ideal Airport Fund, that the
    company would use to build
    new high-tech runway
    and hangar.

    When the plane hits altitude, you would then be asked
    if you really wanted for your dive master (that would
    accompany you on your first dive to ensure safety) to be a student skydiver--
    or if you wanted to pay $5,000 for a Class VIII professional skydiver
    that could save your life in the event of a mid-air emergency. You naturally
    then would let them take your charge card, but before they ran it, they
    would tell you that it would actually not be that safe unless you paid extra
    to have a Class XII Master Skydiver who is the only dive master who has
    never had one of their student-divers die due to malfunctions or other stuff
    that always happens---so you pay $10,000 just to be on the safe side.

    Now you are finally ready for your first dive. Your dive master secures the
    tether between your gear and his own and you both leap out and begin
    freefalling earhward in an exhilerating rush of air, noise and motion!

    Midair, you get the signal to pull the chute cord and do so. But your
    chute does not open. Frantically your instructor signals you to
    pull your reserve chute. That doesn't open either. Now
    you are clinging on for dear life to your dive-master as
    you plummet downward at a deadly accelerating rate.

    The dive master screams: "Whoever packed your damn chutes
    must have been PTS. You should have paid the extra fee for a Class XIII
    Chute-Packing Specialist to do a CES (Chute Error Summary)

    and this wouldn't have happened!" Over the din, you scream back:"What
    do I do now?!!!" As the instructor disconnects your tether (to ensure his own safety)
    and you begin the nightmarish free-fall towards your certain death, he shouts
    down to you from far above: "Just make it go right...and don't get all by-passed
    charge-ey & victim
    -ey about it, because we'll keep the unused credit from
    your skydiving package on your account for next lifetime."


    postscript: And your funeral would become an "Event", hosted by Skytologists who would charge your estate $25,000 for standardly delivering it. And the mourners would be r-factored that you had shed your body on your own determinism, fully at cause, because your body had become an impediment to the joyful sensation of falling. But now you were "totally free" to fall vast intergalactic distances without running into "counter-intention" and "stops" like the ground.

    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019