Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

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  1. HelluvaHoax!

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    IDEAL SCIENTOLOGIST
    [​IMG]

    "And I do care so very, very, very much!
    So what do you say? We gonna clean this place up?"

    - Tom Cruise, noted planet clearer & sector salvager


    IDEAL ANSWER
    Yes Mr. Cruise! We're with you tone 40, sir, to clean
    this mudball up! Roger that sir! Just let us know which DBs to
    Defame, Declare, Disconnect & Destroy, sir!


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    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
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  2. HelluvaHoax!

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    KSW KOOLAID KOAN

    [​IMG]

    What is the sound of one cultie clapping. . .
    (for himself, upon cogniting that he is the savior of the universe)





     
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  3. HelluvaHoax!

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    TR TECH TRIBUTE!

    In an earlier installment of this "STUPID THREAD", it was scientifically documented that L. Ron Hubbard is the SOURCE for all technology, on this planet!

    - - Once an OT r-factored me that the Commodore invented music back at the beginning of the time track, quadrillions of years ago.
    .
    - - I think it safe to assume that the wholetrack Dr. Hubbard surely must have also invented the TR tech of looking at another person when you are talking to them.

    Before that, beings were bewildered and aimlessly wandering about in the MEST universe mumbling: "Are you talking to me?"

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    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019 at 6:16 AM
  4. HelluvaHoax!

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    inspired by an outstanding blog essay by Mike Rinder on the
    cults unreachable dream of attaining "Old St. Hill Size"

    - - - - -

    PREPOSTEROUSLY PARADOXICAL PROCESSING PROPOSAL
    L. Ron Hubbard proposes to worldwide Scientology staff member who make an average of 10-30 cents an hour that, if they can simply 5.4X the amount of money they "send uplines" to him, he will reward them by sending a crack corps of highly trained tech staff to their org so they can do the OT levels. This is a riveting incentive to a hapless staff member who not only can't afford hundreds of thousands of dollars to do their OT levels, they don't even have 100 dollars to buy decent shampoo, shirts & shoes.


    DID IT WORK: Of course not, nothing works in Scientology. Nothing grew to "Old St. Hill" size. Nobody attained OT, least of all staff members who spent their entire lives promoting OT---without ever once doing something to actually attain it for themselves.

    THE MOST PREPOSTEROUS POSTULATE OF ALL
    OT, by definition, is "total cause over life". The only conceivable way to boom an org 5.4x is for someone with supernatural powers to step in and perform a miracle. However, no Scientology staff member is allowed to become total cause until they have demonstrated total cause first.

    TECH TAKEAWAY: Scientologists don't really believe there is such a thing as OT. Otherwise they would give it away for pennies to staff so that Scientology could finally "boom" and "clear the planet. They know OT is a lie. They just don't want too many people to do OT levels so that the lie is debunked--that there is no OT. Considering that approximately 98% of OTs blow Scientology, the strategy of PREVENTING staff from doing OT levels is actually pretty brilliant. lol


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  5. HelluvaHoax!

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    .
    Speaking of "the unreachable dream" of all orgs going "IDEAL" and "OLD ST. HILL SIZE", I think we should hold a contest to find the perfect song for corporate Scientology to adopt as their sacred scriptural anthem.

    I nominate the cultically inspirational tune "THE UNREACHABLE DREAM". All Scientology needs to do is substitute the word DREAM with the ideal word POSTULATE. This then perfectly captures the entire mad mad mad world of Scientologists "clearing the planet" and "salvaging this sector" of the universe.

    Keep the word "unreachable" in mind and sing along!


    THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM POSTULATE
    .
    To dream postulate the impossible dream postulate​
    To fight the unbeatable foe​
    To bear with unbearable sorrow​
    To run where the brave dare not go​
    To right the unrightable wrong​
    To love pure and chaste from afar​
    To try when your arms are too weary​
    To reach the unreachable star​
    This is my quest, to follow that star​
    No matter how hopeless, no matter how far​
    To fight for the right​
    Without question or pause​
    To be willing to march​
    Into hell for a heavenly cause​
    And I know if I'll only be true​
    To this glorious quest​
    That my heart will lay peaceful and calm​
    When I'm laid to my rest​
    And the world will be better for this​
    That one man scorned and covered with scars​
    Still strove with his last ounce of courage​
    To fight the unbeatable foe​
    To reach the unreachable star​


    And now, Scientology's ideal anthem sung by a
    high ranking uniformed Sea Org officer!




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    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019 at 10:21 AM
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  6. ILove2Lurk

    ILove2Lurk Lisbeth Salander

    Quite incredible singing. Several key changes and quite a range. Wow! Props.

    Stunning and very entertaining despite being in an older style. I just loved it.

    I only knew his singing from the Indy 500: Back Home in Indiana. He's got
    quite an extensive music catalog (CDs) on Amazon too. Had no clue.

    You've actually sorta "rehabbed my purpose" a bit. :evillaugh:
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019 at 6:59 AM
  7. The_Fixer

    The_Fixer Class Clown

    Gomer Pyle USMC. We used to watch that show religiously as kids. Never missed one show, except for that one. Never heard him sing before, but I knew he was an accomplished singer.

    Perfect guy to lead the scientology PR team.

    Did I mention he was gay too? He'd fit right in.
     
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  8. HelluvaHoax!

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    stunning contrast to his GOMER PYLE voice, ain't it? LOL

    and both of those were in stark contrast to the time i sat next to him on a flight from NY to LA and he was kinda hitting on me. lol

    yeah, i have a lot of odd stories about a whole-lotta odd things. LOL.

    .
     
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  9. The_Fixer

    The_Fixer Class Clown

    You met Gomer? Wow.

    Musta shook your tree having him hit on you though, lol.

    Always loved his "Shame, shame, shame on you" line.

    I'm sure he would have been the poster boy for the feminazis though, lol...
     
  10. HelluvaHoax!

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    LOL

    When i was a kid growing up, i never knew i would one day be posting on a site for people (like me) who were once in a really stupid cult.

    And I didn't know as a little kid that one day I would get hit on by Gomer Pyle on an airplane. LOL LOL

    SUMMARY: It is beginning to become increasingly apparent that there is a whole lotta shit I didn't know!!!


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  11. HelluvaHoax!

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    .
    cross-posted from another thread where
    the "THIRD PARTY LAW" was being discussed
    - - - - -
    Agreed,

    If the Third Party Law is true -- that all quarrels, fights and war itself are caused by a hidden third party, and the moment that person is spotted the conflict instantly vanishes! -- then why does Scientology:

    -- Have a raging conflict with book/magazine/newspaper authors?
    -- Have a raging conflict with investigative journalists?
    -- Have a raging conflict with documentarians?
    -- Have a raging conflict with all Psychs?
    -- Have a raging conflict with Squirrels?
    -- Have a raging conflict with SPs?
    -- Have a raging conflict with Critics?
    -- Have a raging conflict with ex-Scientologists?

    Why doesn't Scientology apply Hubbard's "Third Party Law", find the third party and solve its own bitter conflicts--and in doing so gloriously showcase the miraculous technology that is creating "a world without war"?

    If Hubbard had the tech of resolving antagonism, why didn't he quickly resolve the innumerable conflicts he had with civil litigation and criminal investigatory agencies--instead of going on the run and literally hiding from his enemies in a Bluebird motorhome?

    Unfortunately Operating Thetans cannot operate and Workable Tech cannot work.

    Disgracefully debunked, the cult can only claim astonishing feats like ending human conflict. The cult can only clay demo this miracle. They cannot do it or they would have long since done it for themselves and their own perpetual state of war against countless enemies.

    However, what they can do (and quite effectively) is lie and charge people fortunes for those lies.

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    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019 at 9:25 PM
  12. HelluvaHoax!

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    KSW KOAN OF THE DAY: If the "Third Party Law" worked, why didn't the greatest OT in the universe (Ron Hubbard) help the 2nd greatest OT in the universe (Mary Sue Hubbard) by finding the third party that instigated the conflicts that investigated her, indicted her, tried her, convicted her and incarcerated her in federal prison?

    Let's ask L. Ron Hubbard that question!

    Hey Ron, it sure seems obvious that you framed your own wife and scammed her into taking the fall for your crimes and the third party tech didn't work! How about it Ron?


    L. RON HUBBARD
    Nothing could be further from the truth, my friend! Each being has to
    apply the tech to their own lives and you can plainly see that Mary Sue
    had some kind of MU and therefore wasn't able to find the third party that
    sent her to federal prison. Now take me for example, I did not have any
    problem applying the 3rd party tech, which is proven by
    the fact that I am clearly not in federal prison.

    .


     
  13. ILove2Lurk

    ILove2Lurk Lisbeth Salander

    Entertaining tidbit! All I'm still curious about . . . did he offer to take you to dinner? :giggle:
     
  14. HelluvaHoax!

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    LOL

    Being a deplorable heterosexual, I was trying to diplomatically avoid any such uncomfortable commitments--but he was a surprisingly expert negotiator. Thus, we ultimately arrived at an amicable settlement where he agreed to not try and hook up with me (after the plane landed) if I simply gave him an in-flight BJ.



    READERS ARE HEAVILY ENCOURAGED TO REPORT THIS POST AND DEMAND AN IMMEDIATE LIFETIME BAN ON ITS ORIGINATOR AND/OR (MINIMALLY) TO PUT HELLUVAHOX! ON PERMANENT IGNORE FOR BLOWPHOBIC HATE SPEECH.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019 at 9:51 PM
  15. The_Fixer

    The_Fixer Class Clown

    Maybe Scientology IS the third Party in question? ;)
     
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  16. HelluvaHoax!

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    HellYeah!

    THE CYCLE OF 3RD PARTY REVEALED

    -- In his daily briefing, Hubbard "r-factors" Scientologists on the SP du jour, an evil​
    enemy that is trying to enslave all beings in the MEST trap by sabotaging Ron's​
    miraculous technology that is mankind's only hope.​

    -- Scientologists (using their "knowingness") affirmatively nod and agree that this evil being​
    must be tricked, lied to, sued, bankrupted, harassed, stalked, terrorized and destroyed.​

    -- Credulous culties then attack & wage war against Ron's newest enemy.​

    -- If anyone questions why this innocent person or category of person (e.g. "psychs")​
    deserves to have a vicious, billion dollar, hateful cult war machine turned against​
    them, Scientologists immediately order a "Third Party Investigation" to find the​
    "hidden source" of the enturbulating entheta conflict.​

    -- If anyone discovers that the "hidden source" that is promoting the conflict, (to wit​
    the 3rd Party) is "Source" (i.e. Hubbard), then they are then designated & declared​
    at the next day's briefing as the SP du jour.

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    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019 at 11:11 PM
  17. HelluvaHoax!

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    Church Of Hoaxology
    DEBUG DIRECTIONAL DIRECTIVE


    The why & who is never the uptone upstat, uplines.
    The 3rd party promoting all conflicts & causing all


    DOWN-STATS
    is always a
    DOWN-TONE DB
    that is
    DOWN-LINES



    .
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019 at 12:16 AM
  18. HelluvaHoax!

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    .
    PC PARADOX # 2,456:

    The tech by which a being descends
    the dwindling spiral DOWN to becoming a


    DOWNTONE DOWNSTAT

    is by gradient

    BLOWDOWNS






    .
    I do NOT approve of this message!
    - Billy Blowdown
    STATUS: OT VIII - Ideal Scientologist
    MY MOTTO: "Always winning, always F/Ning, always cogniting, always blowing down!"

    .
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019 at 12:44 AM
  19. HelluvaHoax!

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    Ideal RegTech Gimmick #637:
    "Total Cash, Total Cause & Total Cult Credulity"




    BILLY BLOWDOWN
    Hey, I really appreciate that you helped me increase my credit card limits
    and secure my OT package. I really hate to originate this, but since I attested
    to OT VIII, I have felt really DOWN tone. And my finance flows have been really
    DOWN stat. And worst of all, my bank account balance is DOWN below zero.


    REGISTRAR
    (suddenly sports a knowing grin)
    Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy. . .
    That is great. That is fantastic! All that is just
    confusion blowing off your dynamics! You really
    should acknowledge this win and write a success story!


    BILLY BLOWDOWN
    Really? Wow, I had a win?
    Wow, that really indicates and blows down my TA!


    REGISTRAR
    Before you write up your wins, I'd like to give you a briefing
    on a brand new OT rundown that was specially developed
    for big beings that have attained the unbelievable state of OT VIII.
    LRH discovered that despite the being attaining miraculous superpowers
    their havingness level is not yet high enough for them to use those powers
    or even know they have them. The all new SUPER-HAVINGNESS RUNDOWN
    totally handles the wholetrack reason the being cannot have their own wins.


    BILLY BLOWDOWN
    Wow! But all my credit cards are totally over maxed out.


    REGISTRAR
    Not a problem, I already took care of that and increased your
    credit limit. See, your OT postulate powers are already starting to work!


    BILLY BLOWDOWN
    Wow! In that case, can i get an extra

    one of those Success Story forms?

    .

    .
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019 at 1:44 AM