Discussion in 'Human Potential, Self Discovery' started by Teanntás, Apr 10, 2017.

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  1. Teanntás

    Teanntás Silver Meritorious Patron

    Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

    I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. ...
    I wish I hadn't worked so hard. ...
    I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. ...
    I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

    3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
    "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

    What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
  2. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    The older I get the more I regret joining the SO, giving so much time and money to Scn, and not having a family because "you only have this lifetime to do Scientology and save the planet, kids would be a distraction."

    This is something you can't go back and change.

    Was I forced to not have kids? No, it was a choice I also take responsibility for. But there was no doubt undue influence of a cult that I believed in at the time. And at that time nothing was more important than Scn, doing the Bridge, "saving the planet."

    I definitely remember having the thought that I must have spent thousands of lifetimes having a family. This was the lifetime to dedicate to Scn.

    Of course, when I was done with Scn, I was also done with the child-bearing years.
  3. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    The fifth one was " I wish that I had let myself be happier".

    The third one, "I wish I hadn't worked so hard", comes up a lot as a bit of wisdom "On your death bed, nobody says I wish I had spent more time at the office"
  4. Gib

    Gib Crusader

    Gibs gonna ditto. Except I'm a male and everything you said is true from my perspective. I really wish I had kids to raise.
  5. Teanntás

    Teanntás Silver Meritorious Patron


    Ayant fait réflexion, depuis quelques années, qu'on ne gagnoit rien à être bon homme, je me suis mis à être un peu gai, parce qu'on m'a dit que cela est bon pour la santé.

    It is true that, on having reflected for some years now that scarcely anything was to be gained by being so, I have begun to be somewhat merry because I have been told that that is good for one's health.
  6. Demented Hubbatd

    Demented Hubbatd Patron with Honors

    I suppressed my feelings for a different reason that, possibly, kept me away from the jail--I seriously thought of killing someone, but decided not to do it. The guy was a rapist, and I thought that eliminating him was a good idea because the other options didn't work.

    Anyway, when a person suppresses their feelings, their intellect remains the same, so I do not see the suppression as something truly significant.

    When I was a Scientologist, I spent numerous hours auditing my WOG friends (I based my auditing on Volumes I and II of Dianetics Series). This is something that I truly regret because the auditing is detrimental to person's mental health.
  7. Helena Handbasket

    Helena Handbasket Gold Meritorious Patron

    I'm not dying, but I have lots and lots and lots of regrets. So many I wouldn't know where to begin.

    Helena Handbasket, called that for a reason
  8. strativarius

    strativarius Comfortably Numb

    Of course you're dying, we're all dying, you're dying from the moment you're born. Life is terminal. The best you can do is to make sure you don't end up saying 'I wish I'd done such and such when I had the chance' and simply go for it.
  9. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Patron with Honors

    I think this is a great thread, question, especially since I plan on only lasting until January. (90% sure.)

    1. My biggest regret was not standing up for myself, or even finding out what it was I stood for in the first place. I think I could have been a lot stronger and helped more people (specifically myself) if I knew what exactly I was working toward. Whatever it is or would have been, I suppose I regret not trying a little harder, as that is what people will say. I should have tried harder, because giving up is such a selfish thing to do, blah blah blah.

    2. I regret doubting myself. At the same time, I regret having those glimmers of feeling that I was worthy.

    3. I regret trying too hard for people that never deserved it in the fist place, or deserved me and sucked me dry.

    4. I regret wasting so many years believing in many stupid beliefs that were completely removed for reality, and in turn made me a person I wish I never was.

    5. I regret not pressing charges on the people who assaulted me when I had the chances.
  10. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    :heartflower: :hug:
  11. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    I really like this book. I have a copy of it. It helped me recover from the dark place I was in after I left scientology.

    My biggest regret is not having had children. I gave my best fertile years to a cult, and a strange marriage. I live with this regret every day. It has taken enormous (primal depth) grieving to get this under some sort of control. I really really wanted children. I've had terrific support from professionals as I have tried to work through it. It's an ongoing process, and I accept it may be with me for the remainder of my life. I do my very best to ease the ache deep inside and allow myself to weep when I need to.

    A few years ago I did some volunteer work with hospice. I listened to the dying speak of their regrets and saw the anguish in their eyes. It changed me profoundly. Also the journey of my mother dying made me aware of many things I had previously either not been aware of, or had taken for granted.

    I've made some very conscious choices about how I am going to live my life. I try to not hold back even when I feel like shit and utterly vulnerable. I have made many mistakes the first 50-odd years of my life and I have no illusions I may make more mistakes. Because of the huge mistake I made on not having children I try to be tender with myself and face whatever the hell is going on in my life with as much robustness as I can muster.

    None of this is perfect, black and white, or easy. xx
  12. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    IMO, there is no better experience for gaining wisdom than working with the elderly.:thumbsup:

    When I first started elderly care, it was in a nursing home and the majority of folks there were depressed with many regrets. If I hadn't switched to Home Care, I would never have had the magnificent opportunity to meet some truly wise aged folks who taught me the best lesson I ever learned. A lesson that you just reminded me about.

    In Home Care, I met aged folks in their 80s and 90s with NO REGRETS. My parents died in recent years, too, but also had no regrets.

    It wasn't that they hadn't made mistakes and plenty of them, but that they accepted that life is a mess. Most things don't turn out the way you plan, nothing is ever perfect and even when you think it is, it doesn't stay that way for long. You can put your hand in a river, pull it out and put your hand back in a moment later, but your hand will be in a different stream of water with entirely different living creatures the second time around.

    Life is short, it's fast. Hindsight is 20/20. No matter how smart or careful anyone is, nobody can see the entire picture all the time and predict everyone else's behavior and every consequence. Even if you could, a moment later, circumstances can be drastically different. Try too hard, regret too much and we miss the next stream of water worrying about the stream that passed.

    Life is a mess. Oh well. I'm so fortunate to be here, alive and healthy, I'll take the mess. I've wasted enough years regretting the past.
  13. The_Fixer

    The_Fixer Class Clown

    I really liked that one Sheila.
  14. The_Fixer

    The_Fixer Class Clown

    I watched my mother in law dying last June. She had heart failure and took about 10 days to pass.

    We had a relationship which was good from her side, but a little testy from mine. I was the last one to be with her before she passed.

    She was ready and wasn't happy with her life anymore. She kept on having little discussions with someone else in the room - don't know who, but they weren't physically present.

    I know I don't think I'd like to go that way. Kinda slow, tedious and distressing.

    She accepted responsibility for nothing in her life and she wasn't about to start then.

    I was glad she died. Her situation wasn't good and death was a relief for her. Much as I had my angst with her, it was all water under the bridge in those last days and I was glad to have shared that time with her.

    I still recognise she was quite a difficult person, but my anger over it is gone now. She was just another fallible human being like the rest of us I guess. It's not quite forgiveness, it just doesn't matter anymore if that makes sense.

    Yeah, life's full of regrets, I guess the idea is not to dwell too much on them.
  15. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    Nice one Sheila. :)
  16. EZ Linus

    EZ Linus Patron with Honors

    After I took care of my parents before they died, I felt peace for a while. People couldn't understand why I went to care for them because of what they did to me in the past, but they were my parents. That's how I saw it. No regrets on that. That was seven years ago, and since then, pain and anger have returned. I learned that forgiveness isn't exactly possible. But understanding is. I definitely understand why they were the way they were and empathize with them. They did the best to their ability. Otherwise, I really like old people in general and like spending time with them.

    I only wish I could live with no regrets. I don't know how to do that. Everything you say about the stream of water is right -- missing the one in front of you, worrying about it and the one that just passed and the one that you'll probably miss that's coming, it's all so sad really because life IS too short. I regret that I have been missing out on it my whole life. How do you stop and live it? I really don't know how. Any time I've stopped to feel it, it has never included very much joy. And I am starting to get very exhausted with the mess.

    But believe it or not, I am very appreciate of my life -- the good things. I may not have my health, but I am alive and I have one person that loves me, and I think life in general is awe-inspiring. I'm not not sure if it out weighs the pain. The exhaustion. I'm not getting younger and my illness is not getting easier.
  17. Helena Handbasket

    Helena Handbasket Gold Meritorious Patron

    Like try to move to Australia, for example? I understand what you're saying, but it is possible to overdo it, just a bit.

  18. strativarius

    strativarius Comfortably Numb

    But you went, and that's the main thing.
  19. phenomanon

    phenomanon Front door security.

    Looking at 'regrets' does not make for a happy day. Looking rather, at pleasant memories is better for your mental health.

    I am so curious: if you don't 'go toward the light', and you don't agree with Newton's descriptions of a big org in the sky and don't care to travel that route, what is the 3rd option?
  20. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Thanks, Fixer. :hug: It was Glenda's story that reminded me. I needed to remember that, too. :yes:

    Yeah, I think so. Just accepting what's done is done, that people aren't perfect and life has so many surprise twists and turns - some great, some not so much.

    Maybe peace of mind isn't so much about forgiveness as acceptance. Accepting our circumstances and how we arrived there, accepting ourselves and others, both good and bad, and making the most of what's left of the rest, with eyes open for the next beautiful stream.

    My mother and I also had what you might call a "testy" relationship until the last few months she was alive. It was odd, because despite all the questions and even anger I previously had for her, there was nothing left to discuss. Clearly, she completely accepted me as I was so I felt the same. No questions, no apologies, no explanations. Just love and acceptance. Forgiveness never even entered the picture because the past was behind us and we both thought it was silly to bring up what could not be changed. There was only the present and every precious moment of it. Despite no logical reason for it, I found myself admiring her for not dying in some sort of remorseful shame over her life or quarrels or wrongness of the past, but instead, with a sort of dignity of having lived a worthwhile life, despite all its pain, mistakes, twists and turns, and she had a lot of pain in her life. She accepted all of it, no regrets. My mother had a strength of character that could be abrasive, but in the end, I thought was amazing. So did my siblings. To say we all felt at peace at the end would be an understatement. The wave of peace and acceptance that washed over us and stayed with us for months was downright profound. The best lesson she ever taught us was in her last months: never be ashamed of who you are or how you arrived to become who you are, and never be afraid to be yourself.

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