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Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by Petey C, Sep 12, 2011.
amazing that we haven't ever met, that I know of.
Larry and Carolyn have moved from Norwalk.
There are probably tons of answers to this question for everyone, including me.
But the first thing that comes to mind of what I needed:
Years (ie: I needed time) to come out of the hard-ass shell that I had created around myself by being in and around the Sea Org for 32 years of my life. I needed ESMB as a place to talk about it. I could not sit down and tell anyone what I wrote in my story. This forum was the best way for me to do it.
And a year or so after writing my story (I can't remember, but it is noted in my story), I was finally able to cry. And I cried and cried and cried for days, for weeks, about all the sh*t I went through, for all the people I saw die, for all the things I had done that I regretted.
I still have a hard-ass shell around me. I still have people jokingly tell me that I am not a social person (I am not the "hang out and tell all your problems person"). I try hard to change it, but it is ingrained in me from years of upbringing in a cold, cold environment where death is not even a time to have an emotion.
I still can't really cry. But I am getting there!
And as far as material things, I did not know how to drive, I had no credit, no bank account, no idea how to fill out a job application.
BUT, a small credit to the Sea Org accommodation: I was getting SP declared, still being sec checked, etc. I was given 500 dollars cash (part of it was used for train ticket to St. Louis) and sent to a couple of declared SPs who were taking me in until I could get out on my own. But they turned out to be crazy and that is a whole different story!
I sure could have used that 800 number a few times when I was trying to get out. I kept blowing and going back because I had nowhere to go! That was frustrating!
Not sure what you mean by "got money when they left". I do know that ex SO get told they have freeloader debts (not that this would stand up in any court or credit reporting agency) as do ex Mission staff and ex Org staff. Some people actually pay it back!!! Amazing! Many don't, of course, which is good.
But yeah, anyone leaving an institutional set up like the SO often has to start over and often is in dire need of funds. As has been mentioned here by a few others here and there, ex Org and ex Mission staff often are in dire financial straits, too.
With everything else that everybody mentioned and all the things that I mentioned, I think that I neglected to mention the most pressing need of all when I left Scientology ... a cold beer!
I needed stability. I was public for 22 years. I was at my wits end and couldn't take another minute of that scientology insanity. I had about 8K in my bank.
My sis got me to stay with her and her hubby at their cottage far away in the country . No org or mission for hundreds of miles.
They were shocked :shock: at how skinny I was and took me to see the doctor. Stress was the cause :nailbiting:. He got the medicine right on the nail.
The stability of being with my family, the laughs, the sanity and lack of stress shows its effect on me soon. I felt much better and it wasn't long before I moved into a cute cottage up the road .
The constant PTP of finding Bridge money was gone, which was an enormous relief.
As I had turned 60 four years ago, I decided to never work again and retire . I'm sooooo happy that I don't have to work EVER AGAIN!
I've made some great friends here. We even attend Zumba classes!
Clarence, what a ride. But what's FOCUS?
Much like Bea said. Time. Tears.. and ESMB.
It was a cult recovery program. There was luckily enough a branch in Tucson. The leader of the group wouldn't take in ex-Satanists or ex-Scientologists. Happily, Hannah Whitfiled vouched for me. Then I was allowed in. FOCUS was at first a part of CANN; but fortunately broke away, just before the Cof Shit took CANN over. Glad you liked the ride. Here's another one.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mrqkT90VB4&feature=player_detailpage
What I needed most was the freedom to live my life again.
I could even simply say I needed life.
I virtually had the feeling that Hubbard managed to suck all the life out of me. In fact I felt like being suffocated by somebody.
I described my last day in and my escape here:
"I have decided to blow and luckily have 20 Marks in my wallet thanks to my mother who visited me just a few days ago. I look around, there are no other staff members looking for "raw meat" in sight. Ok, my heart is beating hard in my chest. I walk slowly towards west where the train station is located. It is only 600 meters away. I walk faster, I run! I buy a ticket to my hometown Friedrichshafen as fast as I can. Nobody follows me, the next train is leaving in 15 minutes. 90 minutes later I open the old wooden swing doors of the train station in Friedrichshafen. The sun comes out between the clouds a strong wind is blowing but for me it is the wind of freedom - my second life has just begun.
The Lake of Constance is wonderful on windy days - the air is fresh and very clear - you can see all the Swiss mountains in the South and the Austrian Alps in the East. Seagulls are flying over my head as I watch old women lure them with bread. I see some young couples and children hunting the Doves and I start to make my own plans for my new life.
My grandma is happy to see me, my mother is overjoyed. My grandpa died a few months before while I was still in Copenhagen but I was not allowed to visit his funeral service then and I feel sad so very sad - I was not able to say good bye to one of the finest people I've ever known till then. How can people be like this, I ask? Tomorrow, I will visit his grave together with my grandma. She is so happy to have me here and my mom will help me find a school where I can finish my A levels (Abitur.) They will pay for my freeloader bill and I don't have to talk to anybody from the mission because my mother and my grandma are doing this for me. I find my wife and I will have two wonderful children I'm free to live MY life – again!"
It were the little things in life I needed most like having time to: take a walk with our dog at the lake, watching children play, smell the scent of the roses in our garden, observing ladybirds, drinking a good glas of wine or a cold German beer, cooking for myself whatever I want to eat.....
And it were the big important things and dreams in life I needed then like: making plans for MY future, having a chance to fall in love, visiting the grave of my grandpa and talking to grandma about her feelings, lightening a candle in a church for somebody, having time to think about life, having time to lead a free conversation with a friend or family member, having a loving mother around, having real friends.....
When "I opened the old wooden swing doors of the train station in Friedrichshafen" in November 1983 I started to breathe and I was free to live life again.
Thank you all for your wonderful posts in this thread. And thank you so much for starting it Petey C
I needed a friend.
Beautiful, very poignant post, Markus.
And Toad, that was a rueful little comment. I hope you have a few now!
Here I am again. Don't want to hog this thread; I am getting a lot out of the many other personal stories.
But I want to retract something. I said I would have benefitted from having other exes to talk to about the SO conditions and the tech. during my initial time after leaving. Actually, I don't think I was ready for any such talk then or until much later. I could, after all, have talked with my husband, and a few years later I did have some contact with an ex. It was Billy Gray (well known by many Aussies) who built my house in 1986 and who was a recent escapee. Yet in the months during which we spent most days together on site, we never talked about scientology.
I think it is probably true of many, that we need time, quite a long time, to smell the roses so to speak, to decompress by finding relief, comfort, and the joy of being out of the asylum, of being close to nature and family again, of being able to make our own choices, of finding our way.
I suspect many who leave are not ready to talk about it. Mostly they need the practical help of somewhere to be safe and cared for.
I can't see any hogs, Kutta, so post away. It's a good point. I was pretty pissed off when I left, but was in the "DM bad, Scn good" mindset -- but only for a while, maybe a few months. The sudden plunge into the world of kind strangers and the warm welcome from my family made the beliefs I held stand out pretty starkly and it wasn't hard for me at that time to realise the whole thing was a very big smelly crock of shit.
But on the other hand I also know that after they've left, people cling on to their beliefs. I look at it like a love affair gone wrong. You've committed so much time and energy into this thing that it's hard to let go. It's part of you, and you're part of it. It's been a major life investment and represents a big loss across many dimensions.
Having been there, I don't try to argue people out of their beliefs. They've been bashed over the head so much by Scn that they need time and space to come to their own conclusions. This is what most people posting on this thread are saying, I think. Sleep, rest, safety and security, time to reflect, time to consider.
I needed to read this entire thread:
Newbies, if you read nothing else on this board, read this one!
I do. I have incredible friends. At the time I was leaving my supposed " friends" in scientology were abandoning me like rats off a sinking ship.....as were my supposed "friends" in the SO. There was a brief time of " Oh my God, I have no friends "!
Soon, my non-scientologist real friends became very supportive.
Then came dumping every book, DVD, and whatnot off at Goodwill!
Then... buying a decent car.....buying a decent house... taking decent vacations....nice!
And that gets a wholehearted " I second that ! "
No kidding. Sitting down and tokin a good joint would have gone a long way towards relaxing and shrugging off the cult experience.
It may have saved years of "recovery".
Yes, I do believe this post to be an honest reflection of what I think about that.
What a wonderful post SmartOne!
I really do enjoy reading success stories like this and hope to see many more!
Congrats for finding what you really needed, and for the retirement too~ enjoy your life!
So it seems to me that those leaving are in need of several basics~In no particular order~
Family and friends
New plan for self
Basic life skills (ie. continuing education, healthy diet, financial responsibility, giving/getting love and respect, 'tools of protection' (from culty influences of any sort) )
edit add~ resources/money
Probably missing a bunch *sigh*.
Rock On Ex's! :dance2: :dance2:
I was in pretty much bad shape -
After comme ev - wrong justice process - confessionnals - verbal sp declared
fairgamed by a psychotic
to be taken care (TLC)
from friends and family
No making wrong
and lot of rest and calm environement
Proper food and sleep
a bit of help to recover my life
and people who told me
I was a good person
I don't know how I would made it without some of my family member and some precious new friends that I made. I would have felt very lonely. But I was very lucky and supported.
It really makes me sad for some SO whom have all their family in and don't have high school nor social abilities to make friends, find a job, communicate, in the real life. They need help and understanding for the time and effort it takes to rebuild one's mind - concept - education - confidence and succed a new happiest life.