The 'OSA Monitoring of ESMB' thread (link below) made me remember what I was thinking when I left Scientology. http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?40932-OSA-monitoring-of-ESMB&p=1077510#post1077510 We have a lot of threads here about 'why' people left, but for me, it wasn't really a 'why'. There always had been reasons. It seemed to me it would be more helpful to get people out by explaining exactly WHAT we each were thinking. What was I thinking that made me leave? I had many nights in my years in the SO when I knew I was sure I was alone and unheard, when I would bawl my eyes out and wanted to leave. The next thoughts that came in my head were that because I would feel that way, I was 'out-ethics' or 'unsuitable for staff' or in some other way had something wrong with me. Sometimes I would think that the next auditing action would fix my unhappiness on SO staff, so work to do it. Sometimes I would think that the next training action would fix that and do it. Sometimes I would think that all we needed to do was get our stats up, or get a new C/O, or report what was going on and it would fix the problem. Anytime I'd have those thoughts, it was, as I said on another thread, excruciatingly painful. One couldn't believe in Scientology and have such thoughts without beating yourself up, and beating myself up for such thoughts was pretty automatic. After all, I lived and breathed Scientology every day and it was 'man's only hope.' I left the SO long before I got over the idea of Scientology being 'man's only hope.' I had to actually read other literature and spiritual things and live in the real world again before I truly understood that there was nothing special in Scientology. In actual fact, it was nothing more than a con and an evil cult. But that took a long time and a lot of study. But as I lay in my bed crying with my doubts, doubts I'd always had that could only be pushed down but never resolved, I thought: 'Why am I feeling this way? Am I PTS?' and 'What's wrong with me that I'm not feeling so dedicated like everyone else?' Scientology eliminates the responsibility of individual thinking and individual conscience. Then, when the conscience or a person's true personality comes forward and a person experiences that horribly painful cognitive dissonance, we are taught to AUTOMATICALLY ATTRIBUTE THE MENTAL PAIN OF PERSONAL DOUBT TO A DEFECT IN OURSELVES OR PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE SCIENTOLOGY. What a trap! Of course it would make a person think they are going crazy when you have these two completely opposite things going on: One, to live my life happily and freely as my own against Two, that even the thought of this makes me a bad person or someone around me a bad person. Nothing could be more false! Does anyone else remember exactly what they were thinking when they left Scientology?