What Were You Actually Thinking When You Left Scientology?

Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by JustSheila, Dec 6, 2015.

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  1. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    The 'OSA Monitoring of ESMB' thread (link below) made me remember what I was thinking when I left Scientology.

    http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?40932-OSA-monitoring-of-ESMB&p=1077510#post1077510

    We have a lot of threads here about 'why' people left, but for me, it wasn't really a 'why'. There always had been reasons. It seemed to me it would be more helpful to get people out by explaining exactly WHAT we each were thinking.

    What was I thinking that made me leave?

    I had many nights in my years in the SO when I knew I was sure I was alone and unheard, when I would bawl my eyes out and wanted to leave.

    The next thoughts that came in my head were that because I would feel that way, I was 'out-ethics' or 'unsuitable for staff' or in some other way had something wrong with me.

    Sometimes I would think that the next auditing action would fix my unhappiness on SO staff, so work to do it. Sometimes I would think that the next training action would fix that and do it. Sometimes I would think that all we needed to do was get our stats up, or get a new C/O, or report what was going on and it would fix the problem.

    Anytime I'd have those thoughts, it was, as I said on another thread, excruciatingly painful. One couldn't believe in Scientology and have such thoughts without beating yourself up, and beating myself up for such thoughts was pretty automatic. After all, I lived and breathed Scientology every day and it was 'man's only hope.' :eyeroll:

    I left the SO long before I got over the idea of Scientology being 'man's only hope.' I had to actually read other literature and spiritual things and live in the real world again before I truly understood that there was nothing special in Scientology. In actual fact, it was nothing more than a con and an evil cult. But that took a long time and a lot of study.

    But as I lay in my bed crying with my doubts, doubts I'd always had that could only be pushed down but never resolved, I thought:

    'Why am I feeling this way? Am I PTS?' and
    'What's wrong with me that I'm not feeling so dedicated like everyone else?'

    Scientology eliminates the responsibility of individual thinking and individual conscience. Then, when the conscience or a person's true personality comes forward and a person experiences that horribly painful cognitive dissonance, we are taught to AUTOMATICALLY ATTRIBUTE THE MENTAL PAIN OF PERSONAL DOUBT TO A DEFECT IN OURSELVES OR PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE SCIENTOLOGY.

    What a trap! Of course it would make a person think they are going crazy when you have these two completely opposite things going on: One, to live my life happily and freely as my own against Two, that even the thought of this makes me a bad person or someone around me a bad person.

    Nothing could be more false!

    Does anyone else remember exactly what they were thinking when they left Scientology?
     
  2. degraded being

    degraded being Sponsor

    After I had left staff, and had gotten a bit pissed off at the coercion to stay on staff etc, I just happened to be in the library and read "Bare Faced Messiah".

    What was I thinking while I was reading it? I was impressed that he interviewed all sorts, people who had left but still loved Elron, people who had dumped the lot, and other sorts, and he talked about some shit scientology had been in, that I knew was true...I had heard it on the grapevine when I was in. So the book was credible and it did not take much convincing that the shocking things I had not heard, were also true.
     
  3. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    I left the Sea Org because of what I saw as repeated personal (directed at me; selfish) injustice.

    Years later, I gradually grew out of being a Scientologist, but it did take years and it was a gradual process accompanied by many trains of thought and not a sharp break after a single idea.

    Paul
     
  4. Elronius of Marcabia

    Elronius of Marcabia Silver Meritorious Patron

    It was no brainer for me, what do you need to think about
    when some one threatens to come to your home and physicaly take
    your wife, I suppose I could put it on the idiot supervisor.

    But since I knew he was following Fatso's orders and policy
    nothing to think about, fuck you fatso and the horse you rode in on :yes:

    buh bye :roflmao:
     
  5. Knows

    Knows Gold Meritorious Patron

    I went into an extremely long CRINGE

    This was the "levels of cringing never achieved by man before" promised to us by the ole man....
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  6. Elronius of Marcabia

    Elronius of Marcabia Silver Meritorious Patron

    I like the idea of growing out of Scientology it's more accurate than
    recovering or escaping or even deconstructing.

    And it also leaves behind the idea of in/out and for/against
    instead its just the very natural act of maturing :heartflower:

    Since Scientology is really just Hoobards mind and a very immature
    one at that, temper tantrums of a 2 year old and worldview of a 12 year
    old who reads too many comic books with super heros and super powers
    blah blah blah on this planit so on and so forth etc etc

    Paul :thumbsup:
     
  7. Elronius of Marcabia

    Elronius of Marcabia Silver Meritorious Patron

    Classic Cult mind fuck, in actual fact others were having the same thoughts
    but since you "have no case on post" and can't talk about your "case" with
    others.

    And since you care about your friends and mates and Fatso said
    it will harm them, he's in effect using a person's own power against them.

    Mornin Sheila :):wave:
     
  8. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    "I'm not giving them ONE more fucking penny!"
     
  9. Thrak

    Thrak Gold Meritorious Patron

    That if I didn't leave they would kill me.
     
  10. Hypatia

    Hypatia Pagan

    I was awfully conflicted. Visions of loss dancing in my head. Loss of "tech", loss of friends, loss of a way of life. Did it anyway and it worked out really really well.

    Life really is about change.
     
  11. Lucretia

    Lucretia Patron with Honors

    I was very dissaffected while still in, and leaving was not so much leaving the tek as leaving a dysfunctional organisation. I still thought the fat guy was the saviour of the universe, and I could get the tek in the free zone. Then I started reading, particularly ESMB, and the light came flooding in. My biggest win in the cult was getting out. Jeez, I must have been an SP all along. Woo Hooo.
     
  12. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    “I can’t do this anymore. What if it is all based on lies? What if that thought is correct? I don’t know how to do this, I don’t want to do this, I am terrified, but I’m leaving.”

    And I leapt into the great unknown.
     
  13. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    Actually I had another prevailing thought, that went on for months, until I snapped and had to go.

    I had the good fortune to have two people very close to me who both got to OT VIII, the highest you can go. One was also a highly classed auditor. I had the opportunity to observe them over quite a long period, and it was pretty plain to see that they were not any more able than me. As years went on and they aged, I also saw that they had the same issues as others getting older. There was nothing OT there. Just plain people with the usual problems that Scientology was meant to solve.

    And these were good, hard working, ethical people. Both dead now.

    The thought that percolated in my mind was.... These people didn't make it to OT, maybe there is no OT. If they didn't make it, and they were more ethical than me....what chance do I have?

    As I said, it was my good fortune to have them as examples. I'm grateful to them for helping me bail out of a cult.
     
  14. Churchill

    Churchill Gold Meritorious Patron

    It was hard. I had swallowed it all - hook, line and sinker.

    I believed that there was a small chance that I might forfeit my "immortality" but that little voice; the same little voice I'd ignored for 20 years...
    well, I finally listened to it, and I'm so glad I did.

    Scientology was a cul-de-sac, but
    leaving Scientology was the beginning of a great and wonderful journey!
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2015
  15. AngeloV

    AngeloV Gold Meritorious Patron

    "This place (Flag land base) is a zoo...nothing seems to go right and there is always a 'hill 10' (emergency). It's run like shit and what about that OT VII driving a nail through his hand? I have to get out..."
     
  16. arcxcauseblows

    arcxcauseblows Patron Meritorious

    It was many thoughts over time... Gradually the urge to leave was bigger than the one to stay

    Long time respected members being declared for no good reason

    The ot8s I met were a total disappointment

    Nobody could tell me where target 2 was at or where the bridge goes

    Nobody could tell me what ias donations were used to purchase

    Reading the suggestion in science of survival where he says a solution is to quietly dispose of everyone below tone 2.0, the single most sociopathic thing Hubbard wrote that I know of

    First time I was told to do doubt lol, inform yourself honestly were the instructions so I googled Scientology and started doing some objective research and somehow they thought clearing the words would fix that HAHAHA

    I'm sure one day there will be some lost tech on a new way to handle doubt

    Saw those that finished the bridge start work on the ot committee and become slaves to miscavige, there is no freedom at the end of the bridge...

    Watching executives act like psychos...

    Watching everyone go broke

    Watching seniors get offloaded

    Pretty pathetic in there when you get past the bs, I don't know how anyone can stomach it for long
     
  17. Outethicsofficer

    Outethicsofficer Silver Meritorious Patron

    In the end it was not so much any one particular thought. It was at last a decisive act that bought it to a head, I decided to go on line and find research as best I could the circumstances surrounding LRH's death. I then realized I had been lied to.
     
  18. Miss Ellie

    Miss Ellie Patron with Honors

    I left as soon as I turned 18 and moved out on my own... I remember several thoughts.

    It is all BULLSHIT! I had that thought since I was about 11 or 12.

    I can not let anyone know I am done.... I was worried about disconnection.

    I can do what I want now... that thought scared the hell out of me and I made some big missteps in the next few years.

    I hope the hell they leave me alone... Since I was not staff, had not done much the last few years & was at a mission that was a "cult within a cult" that did not want me around - just my mom & her money they did not bother me.


    I NEVER thought that the effects of "them" would be around for decades. I did not realize that it would make me a stronger, wiser & able to step back & really look at a situation.

    I never knew I was not alone... I truly thought I was the only one that felt and thought the way I did. That there were more of me out there, more of me to come & more people to get sucked in and spit out than I could imagine never entered my little brain.

    I hope that others find this site and they all start THINKING their own thoughts.... and make their own decisions about their lives and future.

    :happydance: :happydance: :happydance:
     
  19. uncover

    uncover Gold Meritorious Patron

    That´s a complicated question, because when is "when" ? I mean I am talking about this onion-layer stuff....

    Therefore I would change the question to:
    "What Were You Actually Thinking When You Were Finally Done With Hubbardism* ?"

    My first thought was:
    "Fortunately I never was so stupid to buy anything I didn´t exactly know what it is.... (including the OT-Levels)"

    After leaving the "official" Co$ for several reasons I had this thought later - when one of the Captain HillyBilly´s came and handed me over the Sector-9 Operating Bulletins especially the SOB #19:
    http://www.freezone.org/cbr/sector9/e_sob19.htm
    and a blue folder for the "New Civilization Game" - (yes, they even printed a blue folder for this sh*t):
    http://www.freezone.org/cbr/e_ncg.htm

    I asked: "what do you want with this paranoid science-fiction sh*t of an obviously deluded idiot ? I am not interested in participating "saving the world" or start a "New Civilization Game", I am only interested in learning the 'tech'...."

    The HillyBilly-guy answered: "But this IS the 'tech', this is pure LRH-'tech'...."

    In an attempt to convince me, the next time we met he handed me over the LRH-Xenu-BT-Cluster-vomit-materials including a transcript of the SHSBC #309 ‘The Free Being’, SHSBC #317 ‘Between Lives Implants’ and ‘SOP8A – The Role Of The Earth’ lectures.

    I had a short look at that stuff and said: "Hey, you wanna fool me, this is a fake... but ok, to be fair I will verify this...."

    So I called a then-friend who was an OTVII at that time and asked him: "Hey.... Xenu, Marcab, BT´s, Clusters ...... do you know about this stuff ?"

    His immediate reaction was: :omg: FROM WHERE DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT ? :omg:

    I said: "First, thank you for your verification..... because I have read this.. and this.. and this.. and I only wanted the verification that it is not a fake...."

    He said: "No it is not a fake....but to know about this is very dangerous...."

    "Yes, yes, keep cool....I am aware about how "dangerous" this vomit is..." - according to El Con Hubbard I already had to die multiple times within the last 30 years.....

    Yes and afterwards I was finally done with all forms of Hubbardism. And I knew, why the OT-levels were kept secret. Would I have known about that stuff from the beginning, I wouldn´t have in-wasted one minute to read or listen to any of Hubbard's vomit.

    And I thought:
    "Fortunately I never was so stupid to buy anything I didn´t exactly know what it is.... (including the OT-Levels)"

    Hardcore-Flag-Reg-Missions tried several times to sell me an "OT-package" (= Solo to OT-III). They even had a nice promo for the "Wall of Fire". My answer always was: "I don´t buy a pig in a poke - as long as you can't tell me exactly what I will get I am not interested in buying it."


    * Hubbardsim = all shades of Scientology including Freezone, Independent, Millstone 2 etc.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2015
  20. phenomanon

    phenomanon Canyon

    My actual exit was swift.
    I left in shock when I was informed that AO was handling a "pre-OT" by secretly giving him Thorazine. But I had been ready to bail since the Mission Holders' Conference and the Declare of most of my friends.

    The bubble had burst and I looked around for the first time at what was going on outside my Auditing Room.
    Staff was disappearing with no explanation. There were ppl running around in gray rags who wouldn't speak. There was a fooking armed guard in AO Reception. They had declared Alan Walter.

    I saw that if Scn worked, these fine Scn'ists would never have been treated so.

    When AO MAA asked me to 'dose' David Voorhies, I left his office, packed up my meter, shield, and materials from my Auditing Room, and went home and wrote my resignation letter.
    There was no Internet, but I was pleased to find that there were many more of my friends outside COS than there were friends of mine still in there.

    It's been a long time for me. I was in ( in good standing) for 33 years. I've been out for about the same length of time. My 'item' is the loss of my youngest daughter. I haven't seen her for more than 30 years. She called me a liar when I told her about my scene at AO, and she disconnected from me.