What Were You Actually Thinking When You Left Scientology?

Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by JustSheila, Dec 6, 2015.

View Users: View Users
  1. Tiger Lily

    Tiger Lily Gold Meritorious Patron

    I was public, but I was a true believer. I ran out of money and got bogged on course at about the same time and I had bought in to the "make the able more able" thing and so I quietly just stopped coming -- to save the organization from having to waste resources on me when there was a planet that needed saving. They didn't pursue me -- once I was out of money my "theta-ness" that they had always complimented me on had disappeared and I was just a downstat. But I was in agreement with that. I just had to take responsibility. So I donated when I could, and studied at home for several years.

    Then one day I came across Ethercat's "Through the Door" site. I would never have looked at it if I'd have thought it was entheta, but I didn't realize it until I saw the most recent post, from a friend of mine, who was a devout Scientologist, a past life clear, committed to saving the planet He had left and had posted all the reasons why. He suggested studying indentured servitude, and mass movements, and vistaril. So I did. And my world fell apart. This "church" that I had put my hope (and money) (and many years) into was a fraud. I was a basket case for about a month. I read every book, internet page etc. that I could get my hands on and found ESMB, which helped me a bunch.

    What was I thinking? I was thinking what an idiot I was. I remembered all the times I questioned things, times I noticed contradictions and stopped myself --- because I wanted so badly to believe it was true and because I wanted to be a part of a group that was working to save the planet. I was thinking how fallible the human brain is. I was horrified that I had spent our children's college funds because I wanted to believe that the courses would make me so able and affluent that I could provide for my kids tenfold because of my training. I lost trust in my ability to make a good decision, and was wracked with guilt about the years I missed with my children and the resources I threw away that could have made their lives better. I was embarrassed about the times I acted superior to all my friends and family because I *knew* the truth and they were just wogs.

    I was thinking about all the red flags that I chose to ignore -- the KSW series 1 and its "ends justify the means" thinking, the disconnection (yes, I knew about it), The contradiction that all religions are compatible with Scientology, yet LRH was mocking Christianity even in the Study Tapes, the idea that all "blows" come from a misunderstood word and that the subject of Scientology was perfect and LRH was perfect, The idea that any knowledge could give you pneumonia and/or kill you, the idea that anyone who didn't like Scientology was suppressive and needed to be handled or disconnected from, that you got sent to ethics for asking questions, that you can't trust your own perceptions until you are clear so you have to blindly trust LRH. The INCREDIBLE cost. The overworked, stressed out staff with bags under their eyes. The almost comical militiary-ish shenanigans of the Sea Org staff. There were so many.

    I was thinking of the good people who got involved because they wanted so badly to be a part of something meaningful, and were then betrayed into harming themselves and the people they love. And how the human mind is capable of believing with unshakeable certainty, things that are not in fact true. I still think about that a lot.
  2. Alien3

    Alien3 Patron

    I had many nights in my years in the SO when I knew I was sure I was alone and unheard, when I would bawl my eyes out and wanted to leave.

    [/QUOTE] The next thoughts that came in my head were that because I would feel that way, I was 'out-ethics' or 'unsuitable for staff' or in some other way had something wrong with me.

    Sometimes I would think that the next auditing action would fix my unhappiness on SO staff, so work to do it. Sometimes I would think that the next training action would fix that and do it. Sometimes I would think that all we needed to do was get our stats up, or get a new C/O, or report what was going on and it would fix the problem.

    Anytime I'd have those thoughts, it was, as I said on another thread, excruciatingly painful. One couldn't believe in Scientology and have such thoughts without beating yourself up, and beating myself up for such thoughts was pretty automatic. After all, I lived and breathed Scientology every day and it was 'man's only hope.' :eyeroll:



    Thank you for your post. I relate to it so clearly. I too, was always hoping the next intensive would fix my problem, and then I would see what the others saw and I did not. I always felt because I was labelled PTS ... long term, that was the reason why I did not have the gains that others did. Instead of thinking this entire ideology was born from 'nutcase LRH', who loved to write Sci Fi books. When I saw photos of him, I actually got the shivers down my spine. I actually went for years thinking that something was really wrong with me. How could I be so gullible? I dont know. I only know that it is now nearly 30 years since I had anything to do with that nutcase organisation.

    It did nothing but make me feel bad about myself. My husband was the opposite and totally thrived on it, like an addiction.

    I hope your life is going well for you now. Gawd I almost said ' flourish and prosper'. Ooops, it certainly is a long battle to eradicate all that crap that is fed into you when you are young.
  3. Operating DB

    Operating DB Truman Show Dropout

    Ditto on what many of you have already wrote. It's like a broken record! lol

    For the previous few years of being in the cult I wasn't getting the promised results and was very hesitant to part with more of my hard earned money for more auditing that I felt wasn't going to produce the advertised miraculous results. I was already disaffected not just from that but from witnessing many of the well trusted staff and public that were being declared SP and PTS and the Mission Holders debacle. I was creeped out and felt very uncomfortable by the takeover of the RTC and the Watchdog Committee with their scary titles like "Finance Dictator". I had plenty of reasons to leave but was fearful of the "losing my eternity" lie and maybe the "squirrels" tech was indeed poisonous.

    I still thought hubbard and the tech was worthy when I left and did end up doing the Independent Field routine up through Power processing. (I'm glad I stopped there and avoided the OT levels brainwashing)

    Jump ahead 30 years with continuous deprogramming. I look back and just cringe. I look at the OT's I knew in the 70's and realize they were just as bad off as wogs. Nothing special or awesome there. Just wishful thinking.

    For me, hubbard's scheme was the biggest betrayal in the whole universe.
  4. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    :hug: You're so sweet, Alien3. Your post touched me deeply. Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts, for relating to me, and for your wonderful sense of humor, too! :laugh:

    I know what you mean about photos of Elcon giving you the negative shivers. I felt the same... even when I was in the SO, actually.

    My late recovery has a lot to do with the fact I shut out the Scientology stuff for two decades, just tucked it away in the back of my mind, like a monstrous trauma not to be revisited. Only when I first arrived to ESMB did I allow those memories to return (this is my 2nd ID). Opening Pandora's Box was an apt description for me, and for many others here (there is a thread here by that name.) It's odd when you tuck away memories like that - when they return, they are as clear and detailed as if the thing happened yesterday.

    Some things continue to affect me, like my relationship to my son, since his father was a Scn (he passed away a few years ago). Things are slowly improving in that area though. :)

    My life is good these days. I still have that Sea Org habit of setting unbelievable goals for myself, but long ago, I stopped beating myself up for not making them. :giggle: It used to be such a problem if I mentioned I'd ever been in Scientology to someone I was dating, but not anymore. :no: General public attitudes and awareness have really changed in the last few years - for the better. I'm so close to my siblings and nieces and nephews now, too. Life is again a gift - and I appreciate every day of it.

    It's nice to see you posting here, Alien3, and I hope to see more of you on the Board and ... maybe more of your story? :begging:

    You were never PTS. You have the gift of compassion and the capacity to love and ability to receive it as well. Unfortunately, conartists like Hubbard abuse those with the biggest hearts in the worst way. I'm so glad you're out and here with us.

    Merry Christmas! x x x :bighug:I hope your life is wonderful and you have as many loving folks around you showing their love as the love you show to others.
  5. uncover

    uncover Gold Meritorious Patron

    OOhhhhh...... I think I got it now: the story with the missing selfie stick and the table. :biggrin:
  6. exbritscino

    exbritscino Patron with Honors

    My actual thoughts when I left Scamology were ones of feeling that a HUGE weight had been lifted from my shoulders. This consisted of the following 'sub' thoughts:

    No more being regged at every opportunity.

    No more being 'persuaded' to come to the Mission and start/complete/continue some piece of shit course just in order to 'up the stats'.

    No more being called at all times of the day to verify that I was going to attend some crap event.

    No more being in fear every time a sea org mission came down to raise money for something or another.

    No more having Scamology 'tech' forced down my throat at every opportunity.

    No more being told that 'Your life will be nothing without Scamology'.

    No more feeling perpetually fu###d due to a lack of sleep while on staff.

    One 'cognition' that I've had since leaving Scamology nearly 20 years ago is that I NEVER WAS a scientologist......!! I was dragged into it with the usual promises of 'bettering' myself, and of having a much improved life. Looking back on it, there was NOTHING wrong with my life BEFORE my entry to scamology, but that changed for the worse. Rapidly.

    I became one of the people from the fable of the Emperors' New Clothes, where the people are told what a wonderful set of clothes he has, but in reality he's stark naked! I was being told how wonderful scamology was, and believed it because 'everyone' around me believed the same thing. Or so it seemed.

    The money that I'd put into it was also something that held me there. I'd 'invested' a lot of dosh, and didn't want to come away with nothing.

    I used to have the odd good feelings about being part of an organisation that would 'clear' the planet, but this was very rare. The only 'clearing' I saw involved peoples' bank accounts.

    Eventually I saw it all for what it really was. A money making racket.

    Even on my 'feel good' days I never had an inclination to go 'OT'. The 'executives' at my Mission were 'OT' and didn't seem to have a clue about anything. They were complete wankers.

    How many of you here felt the same way? With hindsight were you ever 'scientologists', or were you taken in by the scam?

  7. strativarius

    strativarius Comfortably Numb

    I felt completely different from you. I was totally committed to clearing the planet, the tech, LRH, and getting as far across the 'bridge to total freedom' as possible. There were times I enjoyed being on staff despite the shit we all had to go through. There was a huge feeling of togetherness amongst us.

    I didn't heave a huge sigh of relief when I left because when I did leave (blew the Sea Org) I didn't really know that I had left until much later, so there was no moment, just a slow dawning realisation that the whole thing was a confidence trick and a scam.
  8. hummingbird

    hummingbird Patron with Honors

    I was booted out of the cult. This was back in 1983. A bunch of folk, including two Oatees, who were the DofP and the Qual Sec at our mission, left because of the scandals back then. My then-husband had been to meetings with them (I was at home with a two-year-old) and was horrified at what he learned. The Guardian's Office (previous OSA) tried to "handle" us but my then-husband blew up at her shouting "What about the illegal acts of the Church??" and we were both shown the door. Literally.

    Hey, we were staff. Didn't have any money. Expendable.

    What was I thinking? Nothing. I was dead inside. Had been for years. The late nights, the lack of sleep, the constant concern over money, the O/W writeups, the lower conditions, the yelling, the abuse... it killed me, it really did. I was pregnant, so we just collected our two-year-old from the babysitter, and went home.

    And I just became a Mom, found my way back slowly. Never wanted to have anything to do with it again.

    Of this I am dead certain: No one has the answer. NO ONE.
  9. Orglodyte 2

    Orglodyte 2 Patron with Honors

    I remember a few thoughts from that glorious time.

    I told my spouse a little while before I left, "We're ruining our lives with self-improvement!"

    "What's up with all the gloom and doom about nuclear war? Why doesn't Ron just exteriorize and defuse all the bombs?"

    The one that actually got me out: "That auditing process that adds or subtracts 30 pounds of actual mass cannot be true! Think how fast it would catch on, imagine practicing any sport 30 pounds heavy and playing 30 pounds light, every athlete in the world would be using it immediately. Hubbard is lying!"

    And the next day, pacing the floor in the library restroom, agonizing over whether to check out Bare Faced Messiah, and telling Ron out loud, "OK buster, if I can't be half in and half out ... I'm out!"
  10. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    My story is very similar to yours. You get caught up in the rah-rah 3 cheers hoopla. All with very little substance when you really look at the whole picture.
  11. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    Simple. To continue on in scientology I would be required to ignore criminal behavior they as well as I absolutely knew had happened. It was an established fact in what they call " the physical universe " & they didn't both to deny that.

    They wanted me to just keep going like it didn't happen, period. In essence, that would require me to accept criminal behavior as perfectly acceptable to me.

    It wasn't. My stomach churned with what I knew had happened that they were going to sweep under the rug like it never happened.

    I knew I couldn't do that, so, I left.

    They taught me personal integrity was a real big deal, then, when I valued my personal integrity ? I got shot for it.

    Isn't that funny ?

    I'm so glad they tossed my ass out into the street . Now, life is good !

    I thank them for giving me back my life that I had so carelessly given over to them to run.
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2015
  12. Some Random Guy

    Some Random Guy Patron with Honors

    I left in stages over 5 years and my thoughts varied from horror of the loss to anger and hatred. Now, I have come to understand the entire experience.

    Its a very clever con job this scientology, well structured too.

    Now, I don't think about it much, mostly because those "friends" I left behind were never my friends. Their interest in me was only for their own benefit. As for the "tech", yeah, its not worth much. It was for Hubbards (and now Tiny Fists) benefit.
  13. OutFO38

    OutFO38 Patron

    I think my freeloader debt is what actually saved me from Scientology. I left the Sea Org but didn't have any intention of not being a Scientologist. But because I had a freeloader debt I couldn't "stay connected to source". Eventually I started looking at stuff online and it all unraveled from there.

    I can remember the first time I looked at "black PR". I was literally shaking and had sort of an upset stomach. I felt very weird.

    If I had immediately continued on in Scientology after leaving the Sea Org who knows where I'd be now! Although I think I probably would have looked online at some point anyway.
  14. Ral Z

    Ral Z Patron

    Figured I'd weigh in. In my brief time in the SO, I had seen a married couple where one spouse had been sent to RPF in Europe, and they hadn't seen each other for something like 10 years, IIRC. In my own org, I saw at least one newlywed couple that I recall specifically in which one spouse was sent off to another continent "on project" for months and, in fact, was still gone on project when I left the SO. And my own wife was almost sent off indefinitely on project as well, also to another continent, but was pulled off for unknown reasons at the last minute. So when my wife and I left the SO, I was thinking, "phew."
  15. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    (reprint from my 19 May 2014 post on the thread Forbidden Cognitions)

    "True story:

    I was sent to cramming and given the works (word clearing, etc) on the first 10 axioms.

    I had a major cog: I am a fucking static, who the fuck needs you guys? (vvvgi's, dial-wide F/N.)

    I knew better than to voice that realization. I just packed up my stuff and left."

    I never bought the whole Scn. shtick so leaving wasn't a huge deal for me.

    To me, this is the true EP of spiritual gain: tell them all to fuck off and be your own guru.

  16. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    The Sea Org liked breaking up married couples. Some didn't like the idea of people having loyalty to each other, which could be senior to their loyalty to the SO.

    I knew one woman who was offloaded for medical reasons, along with her young child. They held onto the husband by telling him some discreditable things from her PC folder. She was very upset, but long-term I guess it worked out.
  17. Ral Z

    Ral Z Patron

    I suspect that it's less a conscious desire or enjoyment they get from breaking up couples, and more a very low regard for the so-called "second dynamic," such that few people in the SO even think twice about making these kinds of calls. I mean, in addition to being caught up in the entire totalitarian belief system, many of them have lived their entire lives or most of it within the weird world of Scientology and simply have no frame of reference from which they would be able to determine that separating married couples for extended periods of time for relatively trivial organizational ends is deranged. Factor in the ban on Sea Org members having premarital sex, and the ban on Sea Org members having children once married, on top of the shuffling around spouses like chess pieces on a global chess board, and they have managed to all but reduce the second dynamic to an elaborate roommate/sex arrangement. I suspect that some Sea Org members, particularly the people in for a very long time, may not even be fully capable of experiencing or appreciating an intimate connection to another person on a second-dynamic level.
  18. hummingbird

    hummingbird Patron with Honors

  19. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    There was a point in the SO, where I was thinking about getting married, just to not have to share a motel room with eight other guys.
  20. Alien3

    Alien3 Patron

    Hi Sheila,

    I hope things are slowly on the mend with your son. If you continue to do well in your life, hopefully trust will return and your newfound achievements will reflect positively upon your relationship with him.

    I especially want to thank you for mentioning something I had never really thought of and is very relevant to me. Even though I believe I am a deep thinker and over analyse anything and everything. In the 4 years on staff from 19-23 years old the ED expected miracles stat wise especially on Thursdays, as we all know. I found this extraordinarily stressful. and potentially dishonest which did nothing but rub me up the wrong way. When hassled to get my stats up, and a battle plan on how to achieve this. I ' sort of ' frequently lied or exaggerated to get the Exec off my back. AS I am sure most people did. Anyhow I still set unbelievable goals for myself, and then often fall flat on my face, and there is such a stressful component to this, and I often have such an unrealistic plan. I am just realising I am sure it is because of those old days being pressured to get stats up ... and having little considering of what is really the best for the public person, as though they were an object, not a human being.

    I think I will make a new years resolution to train my thinking pattern into more attainable goals, in the real world. Thank you for your insightful post.

    I wish you a fun filled Xmas and new year.

    I hope you understand my slightly Aussie terminology. But then again with a handle of Sheila, you are probably an Ocker yourself.