I was public, but I was a true believer. I ran out of money and got bogged on course at about the same time and I had bought in to the "make the able more able" thing and so I quietly just stopped coming -- to save the organization from having to waste resources on me when there was a planet that needed saving. They didn't pursue me -- once I was out of money my "theta-ness" that they had always complimented me on had disappeared and I was just a downstat. But I was in agreement with that. I just had to take responsibility. So I donated when I could, and studied at home for several years. Then one day I came across Ethercat's "Through the Door" site. I would never have looked at it if I'd have thought it was entheta, but I didn't realize it until I saw the most recent post, from a friend of mine, who was a devout Scientologist, a past life clear, committed to saving the planet He had left and had posted all the reasons why. He suggested studying indentured servitude, and mass movements, and vistaril. So I did. And my world fell apart. This "church" that I had put my hope (and money) (and many years) into was a fraud. I was a basket case for about a month. I read every book, internet page etc. that I could get my hands on and found ESMB, which helped me a bunch. What was I thinking? I was thinking what an idiot I was. I remembered all the times I questioned things, times I noticed contradictions and stopped myself --- because I wanted so badly to believe it was true and because I wanted to be a part of a group that was working to save the planet. I was thinking how fallible the human brain is. I was horrified that I had spent our children's college funds because I wanted to believe that the courses would make me so able and affluent that I could provide for my kids tenfold because of my training. I lost trust in my ability to make a good decision, and was wracked with guilt about the years I missed with my children and the resources I threw away that could have made their lives better. I was embarrassed about the times I acted superior to all my friends and family because I *knew* the truth and they were just wogs. I was thinking about all the red flags that I chose to ignore -- the KSW series 1 and its "ends justify the means" thinking, the disconnection (yes, I knew about it), The contradiction that all religions are compatible with Scientology, yet LRH was mocking Christianity even in the Study Tapes, the idea that all "blows" come from a misunderstood word and that the subject of Scientology was perfect and LRH was perfect, The idea that any knowledge could give you pneumonia and/or kill you, the idea that anyone who didn't like Scientology was suppressive and needed to be handled or disconnected from, that you got sent to ethics for asking questions, that you can't trust your own perceptions until you are clear so you have to blindly trust LRH. The INCREDIBLE cost. The overworked, stressed out staff with bags under their eyes. The almost comical militiary-ish shenanigans of the Sea Org staff. There were so many. I was thinking of the good people who got involved because they wanted so badly to be a part of something meaningful, and were then betrayed into harming themselves and the people they love. And how the human mind is capable of believing with unshakeable certainty, things that are not in fact true. I still think about that a lot.