What Were You Actually Thinking When You Left Scientology?

Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by JustSheila, Dec 6, 2015.

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  1. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Thank you, Alien 3! :hug:

    I'm glad I mentioned something helpful to you. I've never been able to break the habit of setting unrealistic targets/goals, but now I congratulate myself if I do more than half of what I set out for myself. :coolwink: Seriously! :giggle:

    There's been a lot of work to do to set myself up for a great 2016, but it all comes together by the end of January, then I'm sitting pretty and will have a more relaxed lifestyle. :) I hope you're having some fun, too, and rewarding yourself just for being you, cause you're wonderful.

    (btw, my son is a good young man. All is going well.)
  2. Gib

    Gib Crusader

    When I finally realized there are no clears or ot's
  3. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    All this stress was deliberate, and came from LRH policy. Execs will always demand "more, more, more", until something breaks. They are trained to try to make you feel like you are out-ethics for not accomplishing miracles, and anybody who balks gets sent to Ethics.
  4. Ted

    Ted Gold Meritorious Patron

    Me too.

    Thank you.
  5. Orglodyte 2

    Orglodyte 2 Patron with Honors

    This is such an important thing to remember. The latest research indicates that every time we remember something, we actually rewrite it, so the more times we recall it, the more it becomes story instead of memory.

    Even in the present moment, we aren't actually seeing reality, we are seeing the model of reality we have constructed in our minds. Same with other people -- we are so often interacting with our simulacrum of the person rather than with the person themselves. Ever have a conversation with someone who is not there? You aren't talking to them, you're talking to the model of them that's running in your head. Then when you talk to the real person, all your rehearsal goes out the window. I've wasted a lot of energy that way.

    Science is a wonderful tool for seeing actual reality, for bypassing the filters and projections of the mind. Scientology is quite the opposite, obscuring reality behind LRH's projections and filters, making Scientologists act crazy.
  6. Lucretia

    Lucretia Patron with Honors

    This is so true. The longest lasting joy of leaving the cult, and it has been 8 years now, is having the world restored to me with the ability to see it through my own eyes. The energy involved in filtering every little thing through the construct of the tek is enormous, and just to see it for what it is is free and easy and joyous - even if it is my construct, at least it mine, and I'm a happier person than the fat guy ever was.
  7. Cat's Squirrel

    Cat's Squirrel Gold Meritorious Patron

    It was raining that night just over thirty years ago (yikes), and I got wet walking home from the Org. What I clearly remember thinking as I got near to home was that whatever my spiritual path was going to be (at that time I was studying Vernon Howard's teachings), I was going to have to apply myself to it properly and be dedicated to finding the Truth / attaining spiritual enlightenment or however you want to phrase it.
  8. pineapple

    pineapple Patron Meritorious

    Leaving for me wasn't a sudden thing. First was leaving staff. I thought, "I'm not going to keep doing this. I don't care what anybody says." After I got off staff, I kept living with and associating with my former fellow staff members, some of whom continued to treat me nicely, some not. (One in particular, very not.) At this point I still thought I wanted to do scn, just not be on staff.

    Some time later I moved and wasn't around those people anymore. I found myself thinking about scn less and less. I still kept in touch with a few people by mail (pre-internet) and even thought I might pay off my freeloader's debt because it would be the "ethical" thing to do. The debt was not large, but seemed like it at the time. Eventually I decided scn had gotten more than enough free labor out of me to cancel the debt as far as I was concerned.

    I thought about scn still less and less until eventually I was going for long periods without thinking of it at all. I think that's when I really got out of scn. When I stopped thinking about it.
  9. Disinfected

    Disinfected Patron Meritorious

    I can't remember thinking anything specific. My desire to be there and to jump through their frickin hoops has been diminishing for years and at some point I just had no desire to do so.
  10. clamicide

    clamicide Gold Meritorious Patron

    I was thinking my org was totally fucked up and off policy and wanted to know if it was just my org or if the whole of it was insane. Turned out to be the entire thing. Had someone who had worked on staff at same org as me soon after I left town tell me on the phone that when they left they had the same thought and from what they read and heard the insanity started with Hubbard. They also said they and their spouse had read the OT III data and nothing terrible happened and that I needed to come to my own decision. Soon after I was reading all the books I could find on Scn and later, after I had decided it was all messed up pored over ESMB. Oh, and was also terrified of them coming after me for a bit, just from how I saw how the cult treated and spoke about other exes. Yeah--at that point I finally realized that they weren't all out-ethics scum.
  11. Purple Rain

    Purple Rain Crusader

    I had tried to leave several times and was always talked out of it, or "handled" at CLO. Each time I would come up with an objection they would address it - even though those "handlings" usually were littered with lies and left a trail of broken promises in their wake.

    So the final time I went to CLO to try and route out, I was there for nine weeks before I blew back home to my kids.

    But every other time I had gone there with the attitude of "I'm leaving any they're NOT talking me out of it!!" And they would always talk me out of it. So this last time I went with the attitude of "Well, they might talk me out of it, but my legitimate objection is... my KIDS." And everything they said was, "...but my kids.... Yes, but my kids...." Just like in Big League Sales. My senior got really aggravated, but it was like talking to a brick wall so she finally gave up. So they put me on the decks - menial labour and disgrace for day after day, week after week, month after.... Needless to say, I blew.

    My final thought as I trod the last stair before the exit that last time was, " I am NEVER setting foot in this place again!! "

    And then I was free.
  12. Helena Handbasket

    Helena Handbasket Gold Meritorious Patron

    I'm not giving advice here, but I wonder how the following would have gone down:

    My objections are still very real to me, and I don't considered them handled at all. I still want to leave, and I object to being asked to stay. In particular, an objection that is not acceptable to you is still important to me and it doesn't matter if you agree with me or not. I know you've already decided that you will not listen to anything I say, so I'm out of here and anything you have to say about it doesn't matter.

    I'm not going to play the game of reasons why vs. reasons why not, with whoever having the more convincing arguments getting their way. I just want to go, with unhandled objections, handled objections, or even with no objections at all. Reasons to stay don't matter; only that I've made my decision and my decision is no.

    Last edited: Dec 20, 2015
  13. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    No derails, please. There are outstanding contributions to this thread and the thread is pure gold because of them. Thank you, everyone who told their story here. :grouphug:
  14. Ted

    Ted Gold Meritorious Patron

    This reminds me of an early experience I had many years ago.

    I was just out of the US Navy, and early into Scientology, likely HQS. A couple of SO recruiters met with me and my then girlfriend at a neutral location, a small one-off coffee shop.

    Having, in recent years, put in two tours of Vietnam, I knew with complete certainty that I was never going to get on another ship to fight a war, real or imagined, on someone else's determinism. They bragged about how when Hubbard gives an order or makes a request you just do it. You make things go right. Right? Like them running out of money, unable to buy gas, they got the dribbles out of pumps along the way to accumulate enough gas to get to their appointment. And this is OT? At the time I thought it was simply theft and abject poverty. OT? Really? How about being OT enough to plan ahead and buy some gas?

    Comparing Scn to the Navy, I knew for damned certain that I would not get on any ship where the command was from a single individual, a potential tyrant. At least the military is restrained by the clearly defined Uniformed Code of Military Justice, and not by individual whim or decree that would violate this Code or impose individual will. Geezus. I wasn't going back in the US Navy. I am sure as hell not joining an underfunded, pretend navy for little to no pay.

    My girl's response was simply, "I just started this 2D. So I'm with him." Had she said otherwise, that would have ended the relationship because my decisions on the matter of me joining the SO were firm.

    The recruiters asked over and over, "Why?" My response offered no detail, and it was simply, "Because I say so," or, "Because I do not want to."

    I did not know it at the time but, this is a power processing EP. (For me if not anyone else.) I held my position. The conversation ended with the two muttering between themselves that they would have to report these results up-line. My attitude, "Do what you have to do. No affect on me."

    We were invited to take a ride on their boat which was tied up to a pier in San Diego. We arrived, and were given a look-over of their pride, then a limp around the bay. If there was ever any chance (there was none) that I would join the SO, this look at the boat they were so proud of, ended it. This POS would never pass inspection where I came from. It ran on one engine. In berthing there was dirty clothes strewn all over. The bunks were unmade still at mid-day. Stench of BO. Rust. I could go on…


    Here's my point: Do not play the game of reasons why. Just say, "No." Give no information, nothing to "handle." Retain or gather back your power.

  15. Osiris

    Osiris Patron with Honors

    I had been thinking I was trapped there .... every attempt to leave was met by a handling to keep me there ..... I had also been thinking something is very wrong ...... I kept looking for the exit door .... I was thinking there was no exit door ...

    then I found it ..... when I was hugely heavily in debt & had no money to contribute any more they let me go ..... I thought YES .... YES ... YES... YES ....YES .....

    I knew in my heart I would never ever go back there again ..... or wanted to go though that again ....

    But because I had only been there for less than 3 years ..... and I had drank a lot of their "cool aide"

    I also had thoughts of "was I giving up on something worthwhile" & "what if I had gone to OTVIII would it have been worth it" or not ? .... so there was a tiny bit of doubt about was it the right thing

    It wasn't until finding this forum & hearing the stories of many people who went to OTVIII & had been in Scientology 30 plus years .... & hearing all the other accounts from ex-scientologists .... that confirmed I had done the right thing to leave
  16. Peter Soderqvist

    Peter Soderqvist Patron with Honors

    Söderqvist1: why?
    Because I don't need Sea Org!
  17. Victoria

    Victoria Patron Meritorious

    [​IMG] Originally Posted by Tiger Lily [​IMG]

    I was thinking of the good people who got involved because they wanted so badly to be a part of something meaningful, and were then betrayed into harming themselves and the people they love. And how the human mind is capable of believing with unshakeable certainty, things that are not in fact true. I still think about that a lot.

    I love the way Lawrence Wright said it.
    "Scientologist have this sort of crushing certainty".

  18. AnonyMary

    AnonyMary Formerly Fooled - Finally Free

    Thank you for sharing your very moving story. I am so glad you left Scientology!

    Despite the initial shock and dismay, what a stroke of fortune that you came across ethercat's wonderful website and that particular interview. The site has been around for over 13 years now and there are 320 interviewsto date. I wish everyone would do an interview, especially because they help others know that they are not alone and that there is life after Scientology.

    So, for those here who have never visited the site or done an interview, please check it out!