The auditing session begins and the auditor asks me if I have an ARC Break, meaning a recent upset. The auditor is focused on the e-meter to tell him the answer to his question. What I say is apparently secondary to what he reads in the meter. He looks at me with a glance that tells me he has seen a read on the meter indicating that I do in fact have a recent upset.
And I do. I am upset (“upset” being a mild description of how I really feel) about the length of the sec check. I am upset that it has gone on for more than 100 hours. I purchased 13 intensives of auditing (an intensive is 12 ½ hours) I got a discount for buying many at once, so I paid about $5,000 for each one. Almost all the money I paid has been used up, and the only result is that I feel immeasurably worse than when I arrived. To be even more direct, I hate the process, I feel it is demeaning, belittling, suppressive, oppressive and I am so fucking pissed off I can hardly contain my emotions.
But that’s not smart. Anyone in Scientology knows that ANY complaints, or any emotional negative response about confession means only that you have more crimes to confess.
So, I calm myself and explain that , “No, I do not have an ARC Break”. The auditor now asks me if someone “said I had an upset when I didn’t have one?” And I say, yes, you just did.
This works, and the auditor says that my needle is floating (I don’t believe my needle has floated in months, since this nonsense started) and we get to move forward on to the next question, “Do you have a present time problem?”
Well, let’s see…how to start? I have a problem that I just borrowed $40,000 to buy more auditing for the torture…er, Sec Check. There is the problem of knowing that something is wrong, and not wanting to continue…there is a problem that every day people see me, my friends and they ask me how it’s going, envious that I am “getting onto OT 7” and I have to lie and tell them it’s all wonderful and that I LOVE it. Yes, there are a LOT of problems.
But I am in a twisted version of Ground Hog Day…living the same shitty day over and over…and eventually I have learned from my mistakes.
In sessions past I have vocalized my worries, concerns and upsets. I explained my doubts and fears…all to no avail. If anything, my candid discussions of my reality have only made this last longer and be more torturous. One day I tried vehemently protesting the endless bullshit sec checking and blasted the auditor and case supervisor.
It was like the incarnation in Ground Hog Day when Bill Murray robs the bank and kills several people in Punxsutawney before awakening the next morning again, as always, in the same bed. My honest communication earned me a trip to the Ethics Officer and several meetings with the tech services people. They made their point: if you do that shit again, we’ll throw your ass outta here and you can kiss going free good bye… forever.
So, I am thinking, No, No Problems Here! No SIR! With a big smile, and lo and behold! I get it right and we’re off to the big question: “Has a withhold been missed?” This question is asking me, in so many words, is there something you have done that you don’t want us (or someone) to find out about? Or, another way to paraphrase the question is: Have you done anything you don’t want to talk about? Or, Is there something you have done, something discreditable, that you are withholding, but you somehow think that someone may know or guess your secret?
This is a loaded question if there ever was one. The effect of these types of questions is to introvert you, to create introversion and introspection.
When I first arrived and started the auditing process I was in a different frame of mind. I wanted to prostrate myself, to confess everything, to throw myself at the mercy of the priest, er, auditor and beg forgiveness for my many sins. Yes, I was bad, have pity on me, I was/am a sinner…
The funny thing (not that there is really anything funny about any of this mind-fuck craziness) is that I never really had anything to confess!