Finally telling your story to a spouse, breaking the ice, suggestions?

[No One]

Hello Peeps!

I do not often talk about my history in the church or on Staff/SO.

I only have maybe, at best, one or two close people that have gotten a glimpse. My spouse up until now has not been one of those people, but I am getting there. They have a general idea that I spent time doing these things at some point in my past, and they understand that I have family involved and I want to be supportive of those family members however I am able.

I would like to tell them everything... but where to start?

I was thinking of a "going clear and chill", maybe followed by some conversation, and then a suggestion to read troublemaker.

I'm sure there are many here who may have gone through this process. I would like to be open with my spouse and best friend. They know very little to practically nothing about the subject, itself. Oh, and whiskey, lots of whiskey.. lol

Any suggestions? This should be interesting at minimum. Oh, and apologies if this has been covered already in detail.

-No One

 

[TheOriginalBigBlue]

Hello Peeps!

I do not often talk about my history in the church or on Staff/SO.

I only have maybe, at best, one or two close people that have gotten a glimpse. My spouse up until now has not been one of those people, but I am getting there. They have a general idea that I spent time doing these things at some point in my past, and they understand that I have family involved and I want to be supportive of those family members however I am able.

I would like to tell them everything... but where to start?

I was thinking of a "going clear and chill", maybe followed by some conversation, and then a suggestion to read troublemaker.

I'm sure there are many here who may have gone through this process. I would like to be open with my spouse and best friend. They know very little to practically nothing about the subject, itself. Oh, and whiskey, lots of whiskey.. lol

Any suggestions? This should be interesting at minimum. Oh, and apologies if this has been covered already in detail.

-No One

As long as you have already sorted out the Scientology experience and don't feel like you have to defend it then you should just be able to be yourself, right? If you have family involved your spouse should know how to navigate the subject and why.

It was always just a matter of time before families everywhere would need to deal with this openly. The only way to avoid it would be if the Church beat it to the punch and reformed itself and took responsibility for its sordid history and that isn't going to happen.

It may not always be possible but it is probably better for the movies and books to catch up to your narrative rather than visa versa.

 

[freethinker]

You might try, after a little whiskey, saying, I used to be in Scientology and just wait for the questions. They will come.

 

[Cat Daddy]

You might try, after a little whiskey, saying, I used to be in Scientology and just wait for the questions. They will come.

Maybe some of those fancy stuff Miscavige is goggling down

 

[freethinker]

That's expensive scotch.

Maybe some of those fancy stuff Miscavige is goggling down

 

[Cat Daddy]

That's expensive scotch.

I know, I actually talked to an ex who had to purchase his scotch. I have no proove of this. And frankley that is better for her.

 

[No One]

LOL @ DM Scotch. Yeah Ima bring it up soon, the spouse already knows a very minimal amount but nothing like I mean nothing about staff, and such. heh this is gonna be interesting. I figured the movie could be an ice breaker, but maybe it would be better to talk first and then movie... I dunno. what I will do is promise to keep you guys posted on the progression.

Lately Ive been enjoying some Honey Jack Daniels Whiskey, Chilled. YUMM!

I know I have to do it soon, I got a bit of an interrogation when I asked for an ip block thing. They ended up setting it up and saying it's ok, I trust you, whatever you want it for is cool with me, but I really want to open up on this. It just never seems like a good time, like EVER. hah.

 

[No One]

layers layers layers...

 

[freethinker]

That's OK I already know who it is. She did other tasks as well.

I know, I actually talked to an ex who had to purchase his scotch. I have no proove of this. And frankley that is better for her.

 

[freethinker]

Sometimes, you just have to come out with it. There is never the right time for anything unless you are standing in line for your turn, then the right time is when the one in front of you is done.

You don't have to pounce, you can just say, "You want to here something you didn't know before?"

LOL @ DM Scotch. Yeah Ima bring it up soon, the spouse already knows a very minimal amount but nothing like I mean nothing about staff, and such. heh this is gonna be interesting. I figured the movie could be an ice breaker, but maybe it would be better to talk first and then movie... I dunno. what I will do is promise to keep you guys posted on the progression.

Lately Ive been enjoying some Honey Jack Daniels Whiskey, Chilled. YUMM!

I know I have to do it soon, I got a bit of an interrogation when I asked for an ip block thing. They ended up setting it up and saying it's ok, I trust you, whatever you want it for is cool with me, but I really want to open up on this. It just never seems like a good time, like EVER. hah.

 

[No One]

Sometimes, you just have to come out with it. There is never the right time for anything unless you are standing in line for your turn, then the right time is when the one in front of you is done.

You don't have to pounce, you can just say, "You want to here something you didn't know before?"

I like that approach! there always seems to be something less distasteful to do like watch tv, or play video games or stare at a wall lollll.... but I agree, outwith it. just need a ermmmm timeslot, and a few hours. heh... I was at int for a time too, not during 'the hole' period... thank the old gods and the new, but yeah.. very little sleeps...

 

[Dulloldfart]

I may have this wrong but didn't you say you have family in the CofS? If so, then you probably have secrets you keep from them about your "being disaffected with the Church," or however you want to call not being wholly with the program.

Is there any contact between these family members and your spouse? Your spouse might unintentionally reveal your disaffection, not being as clued in as you are.

Maybe not a big deal but I mention it just in case.

Paul

 

[Lulu Belle]

I was in the Sea Org for 14 years. I left with my then-husband. We got divorced a few years later. A couple of years after that I married a never-in-and-knew-nothing-about-it.

We've been together now for around 14 years. I've told him bits and pieces over the years, but I never just sat him down and told him everything. I did get the "Going Clear" DVD and made him watch it with me. He seemed mildly interested but he really didn't ask me a lot of questions.

If he wanted to know something, I'd tell him, but he doesn't really seem to care.

And that's fine with me.

The point is, I don't really feel like it's necessary to spill out everything about your life to the person you're with, especially if they haven't asked. One thing I've learned over the years is that the past is the past. Unless it's directly affecting you in the present in some relevant way that the person you are with needs to know about, there really isn't any point in bringing it up.

We all come into relationships with baggage. There's a tacit agreement between two people when they get together that what they did before is behind them.

My advice is: if you feel the need to talk about it and your mate doesn't really seem to be interested in knowing, talk about it to a friend, a counsellor, or maybe here. I wouldn't personally spill everything to someone who hasn't shown interest in hearing it.

Maybe it's just me, but I think sometimes total honesty is overrated.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

I think it won't be a big deal if you don't MAKE a big deal out of it.

Just stick to the essentials -- I was in Scientology, I left because it started getting crazy, and please don't tell (your still-in friends and family) anything about this conversation -- Scientology doesn't take too kindly to those who leave.

If he asks for more details, give them to him. But it sounds like he doesn't really care one way or the other -- like most never-ins -- unless the present is being somehow impacted.

Helena

 

[Enthetan]

I may have this wrong but didn't you say you have family in the CofS? If so, then you probably have secrets you keep from them about your "being disaffected with the Church," or however you want to call not being wholly with the program.

Is there any contact between these family members and your spouse? Your spouse might unintentionally reveal your disaffection, not being as clued in as you are.

Maybe not a big deal but I mention it just in case.

Paul

That he married a non-Scientologist would likely be a big clue to his being disaffected. It's not something a Scientologist does if he ever plans on being "on lines" again.

If left at that, it can become a "don't ask, don't tell" scene, where as long as the Org has no evidence of his being actively "anti", they would likely leave him alone. Especially if they were not sure if telling his family to disconnect, would result in them telling the org to fuck off.

ADDING: It doesn't need to be a "great unburdening". It could just be "I used to be in Scientology, decided it was stupid, left". You could add "Don't bring it up with my parents, I think they might still be into it".

It's not a big thing. Don't make it a big thing.

 

[phenomanon]

Don't bring the subject up at all. If she asks questions, answer them truthfully and and concisely.

 

[Enthetan]

Don't bring the subject up at all. If she asks questions, answer them truthfully and and concisely.

There's the matter of the guy's family.

What if wife, not realizing they are "in", happens to mention the latest People Mag article (or whatever), saying "Those Scientologists seem off-the-wall nuts!" at dinner with them?

What if a relative tries to disseminate to her?

At some point, wife needs to know how to respond to his relatives if the subject comes up.

 

[Miss Ellie]

I was very closed about my "history" - and let very few people know. I still don't stand on a street corner and talk about it but am much more open now.

I was dating the hubby when we got serious I waited for the "right time" and told him there was something he needed to know before the relationship went to the next level. I told him that if it changed how he felt and if he wanted to rethink the relationship I would understand. The look on his face was amazing - later he told me that he thought I was going to confess to murder, prostitution or something just as bad.

I told him I was raised in a cult but left when I was 18 however some of the "effects" were still there but for the most part I was "recovered". He ask me if a few questions then let me know his exwife was raised in a real crazy Christian cult she left when they married but went back to after a few years and made their life hell. He ask me if there was any chance I would go back. Oh HELL NO!

I then ask him how it was that he was attracted to former cult women? We both laughed like crazy. Conversations followed & for the most part it was a very non-issue.

One of my best friends was in a crazy Christian cult and I was pointing out the "cult properties" the church had - she finally ask me just how did I know so much about cults. Her jaw dropped - but it helped her deal with her situation. She left the church & her life improved at once. We joke about "it" when ever "it" hits the news...

Through the years the people I have told after it came up in a normal course... it is not that interesting, a few questions then we move on.

The spouse may have more questions than anyone else but probably because he/she will want to be supportive and understanding.

The worry you have now will seem pretty silly once your are out of the closet...

 

[phenomanon]

There's the matter of the guy's family.

What if wife, not realizing they are "in", happens to mention the latest People Mag article (or whatever), saying "Those Scientologists seem off-the-wall nuts!" at dinner with them?

What if a relative tries to disseminate to her?

At some point, wife needs to know how to respond to his relatives if the subject comes up.

That would be his opportunity to shut up and listen to how his wife responds. It might not be an issue with her, unless he makes it important with his opinions.
Depending on her response ( or lack of it), he can then plan his handling of any situation that POSSIBLY comes up.
" If it ain't broke, don't fix it".

 

[No One]

I may have this wrong but didn't you say you have family in the CofS? If so, then you probably have secrets you keep from them about your "being disaffected with the Church," or however you want to call not being wholly with the program.

Is there any contact between these family members and your spouse? Your spouse might unintentionally reveal your disaffection, not being as clued in as you are.

Maybe not a big deal but I mention it just in case.

Paul

Hiya Paul,

Thanks so much for your input. Yes I have family that are 'in', as are their extended families.

My spouse doesn't really know much except for 1) my family x, and their extended family x.x are involved and I try hard to be supportive of my direct family connection.

Many years ago before our marriage, early in the relationship, I was unpacking some things. I opened a suitcase full of books. In the suitcase was a large hardback Dianetics book. The spouse said.. something along the lines of, ewww Dianetics. LOL. We had a brief conversation at that time, told them I had family involved, and I was 'supportive' of my family member. So please just be respectful of that... but I don't do it anymore, not involved really, etc.

I also have family members who have been declared SP, that I do not communicate with, because 1) the relationship was far more muddled up than that (super duper long story) and 2) no way in hell would I ever compromise my relation with other family member x, for an already fucked up relationship, that really wasn't even a relationship with the original parent.

I really do not think my spouse would make such an error, as we have discussed my parent in detail, that my parent was 'excommunicated', but that I already had severe trust, relationship, and other issues with this parent, so whatever status the church put on them mattered little to nil.

Contact between my family and my spouse is at a minimum. We pretty much keep to ourselves and enjoy our little corner of life. Family outings, visits, etc are rare.

I will make it very clear to the spouse that it is top secret!

One poster stated that honesty is over-rated, I was going to reply separately to that, but I disagree in a sense; I feel honesty with a spouse is one of they key factors to a good relationship... however just in the last two days of posting and getting input... I have discovered that I have certain layers that probably have not barely scratched the surface of coming off... since I have done my best to put the subject behind me as much as possible, even after years and years and years of lurking.

Those 'guilty' or 'anxiety' feelings when being dishonest are far too deeply ingrained... I'm not sure I would even know how to be someone different than that. What a tangled web was woven... lmao.

Again thank you, Paul your and others comments are spot on and thought provoking. It is time to come to terms with this in my marriage and let the spouse in to that inner circle of 'me'. My past is in no uncertain terms in the past, but it is still a part of the puzzle and paths that make up who I am today, the good and the bad.

Perhaps an understanding of it will bring more closeness, perhaps the opposite.. but I think it will be a good thing, and cathartic at the same time.

Just kind of waiting for the right time... lots of real life things on my plate at the moment.

Will definitely keep you all posted.



-No one