Carmel
Crusader
There can be and is an inclination by some, to label all of our experiences in Scn as the ‘same’ and put everyone in the same box. They weren’t, and we are not. We all had different experiences while involved in Scn, and for one to assume or presume that he or she knows what another's experience was, or ‘will be’ after ‘out’, is rather ‘blinkered’ IMO. It was different for each and every one of us. As ‘exes’, we’re not all going to end up sitting in the same ‘place’. As we all had different paths while in, we too will have different paths while out.
Yes, there was a common theme (as there is/was for everything in life), but time frames, location and 'mentors' (among other things) and who we ‘are’, have all contributed to the ‘experience’ being different for each and every one of us. Our experiences were unique, just the same as they will be in the future. Being put in a ‘box’ or category, and the labelling of where someone is at or where they will be, just because they were a scn’ist, is just gross IMO, and irksome for many on the receiving end of it. Call it what ya will, but ‘wrong indications’ can just really piss one off!
I wrote up parts of ‘my story’, but didn’t get around to finishing it. The following isn’t a continuation of it, but it’s a summary of my ‘experience’ while ‘in’ and ‘out’, in a nutshell.
- Is my current viewpoint about the whole scene different now to what it was when I first got on the net last year?.....Absolutely.
- Nine months ago, did I think that my viewpoint would or could change so radically?.....No, not at all.
- Did I get sucked in to thinking that I needed Scientology?.....Yes I did.
- Did I use to think that Scientology had the answer to everything?.....Yes I did.
- Did I consider that LRH was some kind of deity?.....No I didn't.
- Did I trust that LRH only had good intentions for us?.....Yes I did.
- Did I believe everything LRH said, and take it on board?.....No I didn't.
- Was I in ‘denial’ about some of the ‘tech’ that I didn’t like, and did I alter ‘importances’ on it, to give it an interpretation that I could agree with?.....Probably, yes.
- As C/S did I have a hell of a time trying to make it all fit and work?.....Yes, I did.
- Did I have a false concept of who and what LRH was?.....Yes I did.
- In ’86 did I believe that LRH was infallible and that he left intentionally as promoted?.....No I didn’t, not at all.
- Was I “dedicated Scientologist”?.....Absolutely.
- Did I think everybody needed Scientology?.....Yes I did.
- Was one of my major goals to get up the bridge?.....No it wasn't, I considered that getting up the bridge would help me attain my goals.
- Did I consider that Scientology was a religion?.....No I didn't. I considered Scn a set of tools that could help one change conditions for the better.
- Did I make gains from Scn auditing and processing?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Did I become more capable after the Scn training I did?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Could those capabilities have come about if I didn't do Scn?.....I don't know, but I don’t think so.
- Did some Scn auditing have an adverse affect on me?.....Yes it did.
- Did ethics, justice, and other interrogatory type cycles have an adverse affect on me?.....Yes they did.
- Has the use of what I have learned or gained in Scn, benefited my kids and others?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Did pressure to comply to ‘group think’ have an adverse affect on me?.....Yes it did.
- Did I buy into the "party lines" constantly forwarded by the majority?.....No I didn't.
- Was I adversely affected emotionally over the crap I got for not buying into them?.....Yes I was, absolutely, and probably I still am to some degree.
- When I became a mum, did I consider that being a mum was my most important hat in life and did I wear that hat to the best of my ability despite major shit and crap for doing so?.....Yes I did.
- Did the crap I received over putting my kids first cause me much angst?.....Yes it did
- Have I felt guilty over the fact that at times I was in no emotional state to be a mother?.....Yes I have.
- Did I ever think that it wasn’t good to be critical, or ever feel guilty about feeling critical?.....No, never ever!
- Did I maintain my own moral code, or belief in what I felt was ethical or not, despite having next to no agreement on what I thought?.....Yes, I did.
- Did I think that I should be in agreement with people in very senior positions?.....Prior to ’82, yes at times, but not after ’82.
- Did the fact that most who I worked with saw things differently to me, change my thinking or deter me from action on a given course?.....No, it didn’t, although it did cause me much angst.
- Did I yearn for agreement?.....Yes I did, because I didn’t ever get much, and sometimes that broke my heart.
- As ED did I forward the crap that SO mgt terminals put on me, to my staff?.....No I didn’t, I protected them from it, just like my seniors protected me from it in the very early ‘80’s.
- Did I ever trust DM?.....No, never.
- Did I believe the PR lines forwarded by mgt at events?.....Not since ’82, but nor did I disbelieve them. I didn’t know what to believe, ‘cause I wasn’t in a position to have the true data. From around '95 onwards, I pretty well disbelieved anything and everything they said.
- Did I subject myself to abuse?.....Yes, I did, and for too long.
- Did I hold my space when I was subjected to crap from senior CofS mgt terminals?.....On the outside yes, but not always on the inside.
- Did I compromise what I believed in to ‘fit in’ or to make the ride easier?.....No I didn’t. When I was put into a position where I was being 'forced' to (in '97/'98), I left. Prior to that, although it was difficult, I didn’t have to compromise.
- Did I cling to a false hope, and was I in denial about the real scene with the CofS?.....Yes, for a period of time I did and I was, despite the fact that the real scene was staring me in the face. I didn’t or wouldn’t confront it.
- Do I consider the benefits of my time in Scn outweigh the negatives? .....Yes, in abundance.
- Am I thankful for my time in Scn?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Would I ever “go there” again?.....Absolutely not.
- Do I still use what I learnt in scn to the benefit of myself, my family and others? .....Yes I do, without question.
- Am I still somewhat adversely affected from things that affected me during my time in Scn?.....Most probably, yes.
The above is how it was and is for me, from my perspective. It would also be real to my close friends who worked with me in the CofS.
I don’t think it is fair or wise to negate the experience of another, or to presume where another is 'at' or will be 'at', BECAUSE, you aren’t them and you didn’t experience what they experienced!
Yes, there was a common theme (as there is/was for everything in life), but time frames, location and 'mentors' (among other things) and who we ‘are’, have all contributed to the ‘experience’ being different for each and every one of us. Our experiences were unique, just the same as they will be in the future. Being put in a ‘box’ or category, and the labelling of where someone is at or where they will be, just because they were a scn’ist, is just gross IMO, and irksome for many on the receiving end of it. Call it what ya will, but ‘wrong indications’ can just really piss one off!
I wrote up parts of ‘my story’, but didn’t get around to finishing it. The following isn’t a continuation of it, but it’s a summary of my ‘experience’ while ‘in’ and ‘out’, in a nutshell.
- Is my current viewpoint about the whole scene different now to what it was when I first got on the net last year?.....Absolutely.
- Nine months ago, did I think that my viewpoint would or could change so radically?.....No, not at all.
- Did I get sucked in to thinking that I needed Scientology?.....Yes I did.
- Did I use to think that Scientology had the answer to everything?.....Yes I did.
- Did I consider that LRH was some kind of deity?.....No I didn't.
- Did I trust that LRH only had good intentions for us?.....Yes I did.
- Did I believe everything LRH said, and take it on board?.....No I didn't.
- Was I in ‘denial’ about some of the ‘tech’ that I didn’t like, and did I alter ‘importances’ on it, to give it an interpretation that I could agree with?.....Probably, yes.
- As C/S did I have a hell of a time trying to make it all fit and work?.....Yes, I did.
- Did I have a false concept of who and what LRH was?.....Yes I did.
- In ’86 did I believe that LRH was infallible and that he left intentionally as promoted?.....No I didn’t, not at all.
- Was I “dedicated Scientologist”?.....Absolutely.
- Did I think everybody needed Scientology?.....Yes I did.
- Was one of my major goals to get up the bridge?.....No it wasn't, I considered that getting up the bridge would help me attain my goals.
- Did I consider that Scientology was a religion?.....No I didn't. I considered Scn a set of tools that could help one change conditions for the better.
- Did I make gains from Scn auditing and processing?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Did I become more capable after the Scn training I did?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Could those capabilities have come about if I didn't do Scn?.....I don't know, but I don’t think so.
- Did some Scn auditing have an adverse affect on me?.....Yes it did.
- Did ethics, justice, and other interrogatory type cycles have an adverse affect on me?.....Yes they did.
- Has the use of what I have learned or gained in Scn, benefited my kids and others?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Did pressure to comply to ‘group think’ have an adverse affect on me?.....Yes it did.
- Did I buy into the "party lines" constantly forwarded by the majority?.....No I didn't.
- Was I adversely affected emotionally over the crap I got for not buying into them?.....Yes I was, absolutely, and probably I still am to some degree.
- When I became a mum, did I consider that being a mum was my most important hat in life and did I wear that hat to the best of my ability despite major shit and crap for doing so?.....Yes I did.
- Did the crap I received over putting my kids first cause me much angst?.....Yes it did
- Have I felt guilty over the fact that at times I was in no emotional state to be a mother?.....Yes I have.
- Did I ever think that it wasn’t good to be critical, or ever feel guilty about feeling critical?.....No, never ever!
- Did I maintain my own moral code, or belief in what I felt was ethical or not, despite having next to no agreement on what I thought?.....Yes, I did.
- Did I think that I should be in agreement with people in very senior positions?.....Prior to ’82, yes at times, but not after ’82.
- Did the fact that most who I worked with saw things differently to me, change my thinking or deter me from action on a given course?.....No, it didn’t, although it did cause me much angst.
- Did I yearn for agreement?.....Yes I did, because I didn’t ever get much, and sometimes that broke my heart.
- As ED did I forward the crap that SO mgt terminals put on me, to my staff?.....No I didn’t, I protected them from it, just like my seniors protected me from it in the very early ‘80’s.
- Did I ever trust DM?.....No, never.
- Did I believe the PR lines forwarded by mgt at events?.....Not since ’82, but nor did I disbelieve them. I didn’t know what to believe, ‘cause I wasn’t in a position to have the true data. From around '95 onwards, I pretty well disbelieved anything and everything they said.
- Did I subject myself to abuse?.....Yes, I did, and for too long.
- Did I hold my space when I was subjected to crap from senior CofS mgt terminals?.....On the outside yes, but not always on the inside.
- Did I compromise what I believed in to ‘fit in’ or to make the ride easier?.....No I didn’t. When I was put into a position where I was being 'forced' to (in '97/'98), I left. Prior to that, although it was difficult, I didn’t have to compromise.
- Did I cling to a false hope, and was I in denial about the real scene with the CofS?.....Yes, for a period of time I did and I was, despite the fact that the real scene was staring me in the face. I didn’t or wouldn’t confront it.
- Do I consider the benefits of my time in Scn outweigh the negatives? .....Yes, in abundance.
- Am I thankful for my time in Scn?.....Yes, absolutely.
- Would I ever “go there” again?.....Absolutely not.
- Do I still use what I learnt in scn to the benefit of myself, my family and others? .....Yes I do, without question.
- Am I still somewhat adversely affected from things that affected me during my time in Scn?.....Most probably, yes.
The above is how it was and is for me, from my perspective. It would also be real to my close friends who worked with me in the CofS.
I don’t think it is fair or wise to negate the experience of another, or to presume where another is 'at' or will be 'at', BECAUSE, you aren’t them and you didn’t experience what they experienced!
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