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If we can face up to the truth and not be afraid of it as you have done Carmel, then they lose their power.
They sure do, Ax - As the months keep going by, it seems that the only power they have over us is the power we give them, or the power that we 'imagine' they have over us.
For the first time now, since getting out, I now feel like I could walk into either org, and that I would no longer be scared to do so. I have been scared at the thought, and even had the willies about thinking of doing so, right up until after I pushed the submit button on that last big post. I knew that I would get some relief from what's been niggling at me these last few months (since the "story" that has gone around had gotten back to me), but I didn't think that I would get anywhere near the immense amount of relief that I have done from posting about it all.
I wonder what went through Shane’s mind while he was abusing you in ‘session’. Did he really think that he was delivering Scientology or is he so far gone that he just follows orders without thinking anything at all? If it is the latter, I feel very sorry for him because he is going to end up trapped in a very dark place indeed.
He was getting blasted and was under incredible pressure. From the look in his eyes at the time, I think that he had been duped into believing that I was evil, and that he had to "expose me for what I was", and stop me from doing what he 'believed' I was doing.
In recent months, I have discovered that prior to the RTC mission arriving in ANZO around August '97, DM had teams on RTC missionaires to fire out to each Cont.
Reportedly, the deal was that the stats were down on each cont after GAT. He sent three RTC missionaires to each Cont (at the end of our winter '97), to find the "who" in the
field - ie "the" person in the field who was responsible for their conts stats being on a down trend. Then these missionaires were to clean up the field by exposing that person, ridding the field of their influence, "handling" all those that he or she had influenced, while getting production up again - crazy I know, but that does fit with what occurred.
I had had months of ethics and ethics hatting and sec checks for the six months prior to those interviews. In that time, I had seen just about any and every field member who had ever been on staff or contributed anything, who wasn't sufficiently currently 'active', being hauled into the AO for ethics handlings including sec checks. During those months, there wasn't a night that went go by, when I didn't see some field member walking around getting signatures on a liability formula.
I wasn't prepared to do a liability formula, hence the RTC MAA's intention was to keep me on various handlings until I "woke up" to my out ethics, and "turned around".
By December, Tim my hubby, and Shane Mc (my long time mate and associate) had ended up doing liability formulas (looking at it in hindsight, that was the smart thing to do if ya didn't want to get declared). After that Ty Webb (the RTC MAA) told me that it was now obvious who was influencing who. He told me that he had thought that it was either Tim or Shane who was influencing me, and influencing this "circle of OT's" in the field, but now that they had "turned around", it had become perfectly clear who was influencing who. He had a mocked chuckle when he was talking to me about this, and told me how clever I was, and that he should have seen it when he first met me.
I felt betrayed by Tim and Shane at that time, and every other field member who ended up doing their formulas. I thought that if none of us submitted to a condition assignment, then they would have been stuffed and given up, cause they couldn't declare all of us. However, it wasn't that easy. They'd get us with two or three on one, and keep hammering away. In that circumstance you'd feel alone, and that ya just couldn't take it anymore. In hindsight, it was clearly a mistake to take it, but I didn't think so at the time.
Looking at it now, given that these missionaires (who were being run by DM) had to find a "who", then it would "figure" that with their mentality, that they would decide that I was the "who" - In their eyes I was the only one left of a bunch of field members who hadn't and wouldn't do liability, and I was still arguing (although doing so very quietly in the end), so I "must have" been it.
The RTC MAA would look at me with disdain/disgust. So would the other two missionaires and Shane B (the only one who didn't was Vicki Hannah CO OSA - she was still pretending to be nice a lot of the time). I could never understand it at the time, because I wasn't hiding a thing at the time, and I wasn't being "defiant".
I do believe now, that they were all of the mindset that I was bad news. I certainly know that the RTC MAA did, and it seems apparent that he passed that mindset onto Shane B. Shane would have had to convince himself of something, to do what he did. He wasn't in the 'real world' at that time, and I could see him floundering at times when I tried to bring him back to reality in my first and third interviews with him.
I didn't see it this way until after I heard about the mission orders. Back then in '97 and '98, none of it made sense to me (as in, I couldn't figure out what was going on). It still didn't make sense when I wrote up and posted what occurred, back in September last year. Getting the bigger picture though, and even when writing up my last post on all this, the penny has dropped on it all.
As crazy as their mindset must have been, of course they must have had one that was pretty solid in order to do they did. I can now sort of understand it, and having that understanding has very much helped in not taking it 'personally'. If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else - They had to find a "who", and it wasn't about me, after all. Realising this, has given me enormous relief and much closure regarding the whole fiasco.