What I bought into and Why, Part 3
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein
“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” Lao-tsu
When I was in 8th Grade and a Frosh in High School my older brother was living at home and commuting to college. His Major was Sociology and, after two years there, he moved away, got married and eventually earned a Masters in Sociology. The impact of these two years was huge for me. The tiny room that we shared was filled with books that I probably never would have come across in the rural small-town library I had been “haunting” for years. Books, for me, were my own personal “transporter” and “Time Machine” and, because of them, I could travel all over the world and centuries into the past and future.
During the ‘50’s there was TV show called, “I Lead 3 Lives” about a guy that was double agent for the FBI. Privately, that show was very “relative” to me as I was, more and more, leading 3 lives. One life was that of a “book worm”. By the time I was in 8th Grade my reading level, speed and comprehension tested in the 99th percentile. I read what I wanted to read at every opportunity. I would follow “lines of inquiry” in numerous subjects and the “Why’s” and “What’s” I delineated in my earlier post. Libraries were my “hollowed ground”, my “cathedral of worship”. When I was in a library, all the volumes on the shelves “spoke” to me…the feeling of “Life” and “Thought” from the books on the shelves was palpable. My personal Library has over 1,500 hardback “friends”. Although I am not able to read well or much anymore, it’s very comforting to have them around…they still “speak” to me.
Another life I was leading was that of a somewhat daredevil, mischief maker and partaker, hard-hitting jock and honors student. In many ways, I was a typical young boy…full of energy and lacking good sense. I was equally at home with, and accepted by, the “smart kids” and the “tough guys”. I rarely discussed my “library/inquiry” life with anyone…I just didn’t feel comfortable doing that…I just wanted to get along with everyone and was interested in their life and what went on in the world of others. Academically I was among "smart kids" of my class and athletically I was a pretty darn good all-around team sports player.
My 3rd life was that of the “Bad Son” that was under Lucifer’s spell and headed for Hell unless he "came to Jesus”. I did everything I could to spend as little of time as possible at that house. My parents hated each other and fought constantly. Sometimes I was their “weapon” of choice…”You’re the reason Face is turning out so bad, it’s all your fault,” etc. The “solution” that my parents had for my “evil” ways was to try and shove as much of their “Jesus” down my throat as they could, ridicule and carp at me continuously, slap my face regularly and, off and on, whip me, bare butt, with a razor stropper. The efficaciousness of their methodology served only to make me more determined than ever to never “give in", to stand my ground.
My brother’s college books were fascinating…everything from “Catcher in the Rye” to “Coming of Age in Samoa” to “The Status Seekers". Two of his books, one from his Astronomy class “The Creation of the Universe”, and one from his Comparative Religions class “The Tao Te Ching”, entranced me…befuddled me. Over the years of my “illicit” late night reading sessions I occasionally would have a feeling of “peace, uplifting 'elsewhereness' and wonderment” and I would slip outside the house and lay in the grass, gazing up into the stars, searching the Universe for answers to questions only “sensed” and not yet formulated in my child’s mind. I read the “Tao” and “Creation” several times and found many of the ideas and thoughts of Lao and Einstein to be amazingly in concert; I also knew I didn’t fully fathom the depth and breadth of what I was reading and spent many a night, looking out into the vastness of infinity, wanting so much to understand “It” all.
During the summer between 8th and 9th grade I made my “Declaration of Independence”. I was not going to be baptized when I was 14; I was not going to attend Church anymore; The next time a hand was laid on me, I was going to fight back and if that resulted in my being sent to County Juvenile Hall, so be it. My Declaration resulted in a form of “shunning”. For my daily chores I would get my 3 squares a day, a roof over my head and medical care if I got sick…anything else like my athletic equipment and insurance, clothes, etc. I would have to pay for myself. In short, I was on my own. It was sink or swim time and I took to the waters of freedom like a duck. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade those days—or any of my days for that matter—for anything.
I started doing odd jobs for neighbors and saved up enough money to buy one of those new 10 Speed bicycles. I was a good worker and was offered a job by the local butcher, cleaning up the shop several times a week after school and all day Saturday and Sunday. By the time I was 16 I could cut up a chicken in seconds, break down a side beef or hog, cut all the steaks and roasts, grind the sausage and hamburger and put together all the trays for the display cases on my own. I could run a cash register (before bar coding and automatic change machines) and handle customers with confidence and skill. I bought cool, nice threads for school and eventually had my own, pretty cool for High School, car.
I found High School to be very boring and very exciting. Most of my classes were with the same 25-30 students…the advanced College Prep crowd. I loved the sports, extra-curricular activities, student government and sang Bass in the Advanced/Madrigal Choir. I bought a Spanish guitar and got passably good on it. I did the bare minimum to get A’s & B’s but my main focus was my own personal reading, work, activities and athletics (football, basketball, baseball). The sports, activities and work not only kept me from getting in the trouble I was capable of and would have, they gave me confidence, self esteem and the certainty that I could fend for myself in this world. I was learning that, in the "outside" world, I wasn't such a "bad" person afterall.
And, I also learned that I really loved being with people, enjoyed talking with all types of people, working with people, helping people, being part of a team, doing something worthwhile and doing it well. I learned that there was a bigger world out there other than the “little world” of hypocritical Christianity and that was the world I wanted to live in, and I had my plan; get through High School, prepare to walk away and out into the world the day after graduation and somehow, someway go to college. I was going to go out into that bigger world and I was not going to ever look back. I had learned that I was not destined to be a super star but that I was a very good team player.
My quest was to find my place in this world…to find my “team”…and to find the answers to the questions I still didn’t even know how to articulate.
Face