The Little Thread Which Grew - the Apollo '73 to Everything But
- Thread starter lkwdblds
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Ted
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Lakey, my relationship with my mother was pretty bad. As a child she was emotionally pretty brutal. She told me that I caused all her problems, that I ruined her health and her marriage and she wished I'd never been born. That was pretty devistating for me when I was a child and I had no idea what I had done to make this happen to her. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I was an only child and I had no one to talk to about this. I thought I was so evil that I was just bad for anybody and I withdrew from people so that my influence, whatever it was, wouldn't hurt them. My mother wasn't supposed to be able to have any children and didn't want any. She told me children were not a blessing, but that they were an accident. Thus I was an accident. That made me feel horrible. She never once told me she loved me and she couldn't stand to have me touch her. I always felt like she hated me. She would be very vindictive when we were alone, but not when my father was around, so when I tried to talk to him about things she did or said, he would tell me I was crazy or that she was sick. She accidentally slipped one time when I was in my late 20's and my father was present when she tore into me. He called her on it, but it was the only time he ever saw it.
In high school I never wanted to go home after school because it was depressing. My parents didn't have a good marriage and that was even more depressing to me knowing that my mother didn't love my father. Every time I saw my father show her affection and saw her reject him it hurt me. She was very high strung and ill most of her life and she just sort of tolerated me and my father. I know she was miserable. There was no love expressed in our family. It was almost as if it was forbidden.
My father loved me, but never had any time for me even when he was retired, my mother was gone, I was living with him and he had nothing to do. His stock answer was "I don't have any time". (engramic command?) :confused2: But I also felt oppressed and dogged by him. Sometimes he would follow me and snoop on me. It just drove me up a wall. He was the one that wanted me to go to college. My mother sort of poo pooed and looked down on people that went to college and would bad mouth them. So, if I went to college my father would be pleased, but my mother wouldn't be, but if I didn't go to college my mother wouldn't bad mouth me for that, but my father wouldn't be satisfied. They didn't agree on a lot of things so I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't - no matter what I did somebody was going to be unhappy with me. I guess I was hoping that Scientology would resolve this issue if I could get my family in session. I don't know if it would have ever resolved, but at the time I thought it would.
My father wouldn't ever let me grow up. He had to hang onto me and protect me from anything and everything in life. It was oppressive and I felt dogged by him.
I was torn between wanting to have a good relationship with my parents and wanting to get away from them altogether.
My parents were always pretty free with the money. The $5,000 was money that she inherited from a relative and she passed it on to me. Had she not done that my father would have helped me to finish school. I think she might have had some idea that he wouldn't. :confused2: It might have been better had she not done that because then I would have had to finish college and I only had one more semester to go to graduate. Then I could have worked in that field and paid for my own bridge and would have been happier in the long run with a career to pay for services and to live on instead of having to work jobs that I didn't like. The reason I started going to college was to get out of having to work in jobs that I hated. It just would have put off my own auditing for a while and I probably would have trained first, and maybe I would have had a chance to co-audit with another student. At the time I kept having this thought that I was dying - it was actually my mother who was dying of cancer....maybe it was her thought. I don't know. I just know I was kind of frantic to get up the Bridge so that I wouldn't get Cancer like my mother had, and I wanted my parents to get up the bridge so they could go free and if they had another life I wanted them to do this before they passed on so that they could me more cause over where they ended up next lifetime, since I was under the impression that Scientology would handle ANYTHING and give one a better future than they had this lifetime. My mother had a really rough life and I wanted her and my father to have a better life next time.
Giving most of the money to CC and then having to give more (so I sold the car my dad gave me to get to school and work) to pay for the BC when I transferred over to ASHO left me feeling overwhellmed with guilt for betraying my parents by giving the money and my car to CoS and not finishing college, since that was what it was given to me for. I felt like a real turd for doing that even though I was convinced it was the greatest good for the greatest number and that everything would come out better in the end. I got some pretty dynamic wins from auditing in 1974 from students on the BC, but it came at the expense of my friends, my education, my family, my income, my integrity, my self respect and my happiness and it didn't have to be that way. That's just the way LRH set it up.
ASHO did not try hard to get me to handle my parents and not declare them. I don't know where you got that idea, Lakey. I was sent to the MAA and told to handle or disconnect. I was new to Scientology - didn't know how to handle my dad,and they didn't tell me how, so my only other choice was to disconnect and in my mind I thought it was only while I was getting the auditing...not on any permanent basic. I gave a solution, which I wrote in my story, but the MAA wouldn't accept that solution which did not include any disconnection, but just an avoidance while I was getting my auditing. I didn't want to upset my mother's auditing at ASHO because for the first time ever her cheeks were pink and she looked healthier and better than I had ever seen her. She even smiled a little.
After the disconnection from my father, she blew and asked for her money back. According to her when I talked to her a couple of years later she didn't say anything about it having to do with the disconnection - she didn't like the way her auditor handled her. The auditor asked her what she had done to me and she got mad and tried to blow the session. The auditor trapped her and wouldn't let her out of the room - she freaked because she was being held against her will. Somehow she got out of there and would never go back and asked for her money back.
She also didn't like all the word clearing she was paying for because she would give the definition and then the auditor had to look it up to be sure and she was paying for the lack of knowledge on the auditor's part. My mother was a crossword puzzle whiz and an avid dictionary user. I used to play scrabble with her once in a while and she came up with words I'd never heard of before. She was word wise and quite smart. They gave her the money back and declared her. Then she threatened to sue for loss of her daughter, so I was told. That's why the MAA at ASHO told me to call her to get her off their back. They just didn't want her to sue them. When I called her, she was furious with me and told me she never wanted to see me again and to never come to her house because all I wanted was her money, which was not true, but that's what she thought.
I could never talk to either one of my parents to straighten anything out or handle anything - all I ever got was make wrong when trying to talk about anything that needed talking about. I never understood my parents - there was a big wall between us. I mostly felt like they gave me money out of guilt because they couldn't give me love. :confused2: I could never do anything for my parents - they never needed or wanted anything from me, which left me feeling like I wasn't really part of the family. Going home to stay with them when my mother was dying to help out and staying on with my father when he was alone to help him out was the most I was ever allowed to do for them and that was spoiled by Flag telling me to move out and get as far away from my father as possible. More ethics and PTS/SP shit.
I tell you, the CoS had me convinced my parents were SPs and I was so torn between wanting to be with them and do things for them and feeling like I shouldn't be with them or do things for them and feeling so wrong and guilty for helping them out.And Flag took auditing away from me unless I turned on my father. I thought my eternity was at stake. I felt like I was being torn apart. I weighed an eternity against one lifetime with my father. I wanted him to come along with me and go free too, but he didn't want to, so I totally rejected him and squashed him and walked away....man that was hard to do....I didn't want to do it. Then I killed him off altogether by telling him I never wanted to see him or talk to him ever again and told him he was in treason to mankind - this was my solution to getting rid of the problem with him supposedly being the stop on my bridge because ethics continually gave me trouble over it. I felt so pressured to get him out of my life so that I could do Scientology. I was fighting myself and my family all the way for the sake of Full OT and Total Spiritual Freedom. I continually had to invalidate myself and those who didn't agree with LRH in order to stay on the Bridge. As a result of this I have no family today. I actually have two cousins close to my age, but I am so ashamed of the way I treated my father and of being a Scientologist and making such a mess of my life that I could never face either one of them ever again and I have had no contact with either one of them since 1979. They are both very successful with families of their own and I have nothing to show for my life. The CoS is cruel and breeds cruelty....they teach cruelty to others. It confuses me so because the auditing is gold sometimes but the organization just sucks. How something so good can be paired up with something so bad is really confusing to me. :confused2:
What I never understood whenever I looked back on this was why they didn't just handle my charge on my dad while I was in session instead of doing the ethics thing which resulted in a disconnection? :confused2: When the origination from me which was charged came up in session, instead of handling me, the auditor ended the session with me all charged up and I was sent to ethics to handle him. I hate ethics and all that PTS/SP crap that kept being shoved down my throat.It was a nightmare for years and years.
My parents didn't come on lines for me, Lakey. I got a doctor in the SO to talk to my parents to convince them to come in so that my mother could get auditing so that she wouldn't die - she had cancer and I didn't want her to be sick or to die. I was really distraught about her condition. I didn't like to see her in pain and suffereing, but that's not why she came in. She came in thinking that this would help her. After she blew and while I was disconnected from them for two years, she found a field auditor somehow and got some auditing. Of course at the time I was upset that she did that. When I got back together with my parents it seemed to be easier to be around her though, now that I think about it. I think she did get some benefit out of her auditing. I was hoping too that auditing would help our relationship so that there would be love there instead of resentment. My father came in because he brought my mother in. He was not interested in doing Scientology for himself or me at all.
Lakey, I don't think it's very amusing the way the CoS bullies people by threatening to keep them from their Eternity. It's actually very painful to the people this is being done to. What's so amusing about it?
I don't believe this. I wrote this whole thing up and then it disappeared on me and I couldn't find it anywhere on my computer for the last hour. I was really upset. It suddenly appeared again. I'm sending it before it disappears again.
FoTi, that part of your post in red reminds me of something LRH said in the Phoenix Lectures. In effect it was this: People do what they do because of their position on the tone scale. There is no other reason why so it is useless to go off searching for a reason.
Your mother was low-toned.
I am also reading your story off on another thread. Your guy, the one you rode the bus with and sold laser prints with, he was low-toned. Sure he had done OT-3, nevertheless he was low-toned angry.
I might add that if auditing was not producing a rise in tone it was likely the wrong process or rundown. That's just basic scientology that gets neglected in favor of "going up the bridge." Yes, as a result, "OT's" can be low-toned.
Hatshepsut
Crusader
Great post. That hit me where I sit. I often ask myself how I define whether I am 'winning' or 'losing'. How I define whether I am a success or a failure. Is it money or friends or the idea that I can do whatever I want with my attention because there are no demands on it?
Three years ago I had a condition where my heart was not so great. My doctor described to me what could happen to my body and my mind if I did not do something to take myself out of the stroke zone. My blood pressure was 230. I found myself laying in my back yard appreciating the beautiful sky and listening to all the various birds. In a year I had not been able through medications to resolve anything. I even sent away for biological illegal chelators that were experimental in hopes of dissolving plaque. I contemplated how it would be to leave this world and what my life had been about. Of whether I could survive paralyzed. What my main dramatization had been throughout. I reflected on the fact that I still had about 75,000 in checking and mucho credit lines available and of how hard I had competed to keep my postions at work and socially. An now I would not be able to even enjoy it. I started to remember back two decades earlier when I was happy and broke and had all these litters of stray cats and a shitty car and no job and I was 'happy'. I wanted that time back. I was real in a real world. These thoughts caused a schism in my mind. I reverted in what I considered success. It changed me. It set a new paradigm. Not really a good one. Just one of 'revolt'. Things had not worked out the way I planned. Life was not fair.
I'd spent my greater earnings in this life in an effort to achieve absolutely CERTAINTY on my immortality. No matter what happened I always wanted to be winning enough to remain in my own valence.. No matter how many times I submerged I wanted to re-emerge as me. And yet nothing had made me feel so overwhelmed that I started to mock up compulsively like some Scn handling.
Laying in the back yard hammock under the trees I thought now about my struggle at work. On this point my body seemed to be releasing some kind of acid into my bloodstream that was antagonistic to my heart . I have always tried to send the signal that I would not harm anyone and wasn't out to climb or cost anyone their position.. This tech does not work. It does not pay to mock up 'innocuous'. Better to create 'willing to attack". What I found for sure was that if someone else is having a problem...you will have a problem also. To let it be obvious that you have all your ducks in a row and are not harried by the problems of survivial that others MUST focus on is deadly. Deadly, that is, if you are not in a position where those with a problem can't undermine you. In my environment it seemed that someone would covertly attack mostly out of jealousy which these days I think is the underestimated green-eyed monster.
Alcoholism, drug addiction, mandatory child support, bills, losing ones house, law suit, you name it seemed to give some justification for solving their problems in any way possible...as if outsiders to their plight were in enemy status. I suppose it just does not seem fair for some major problem to eat up the life force of one person while others go happily on their way. I guess you could call these Potential Trouble Sources cause thats exactly what they are. I have seldom been left in peace unless I had something no one else wanted. Life was only predictable it seemed if I was not a threat to anyone in any way.
I think you can chalk it up to how we think in relativity. In order to play a game where one feels he is the winner there must be a loser. I've been watching elderly folks lately and I see them mocking up games to play now that they have been pushed out of their usual work and life games. There's a lot of pretending that others are trying to be more clever or pull the wool over their eyes. (not that this is never the case) The beginning signs of dementia and critical distrust. Their brain is dramatizing old survival games where they must "WIN" but at least they're still IN the game.
A personal point of insanity over the last couple of decades for me has been individuals who have used cocaine or lots of it. There seems to be this inner 'certainty' that they will be trumped by someone else's ambition to be at the top of the heap and they must act first to keep the situation in check. This gives other people the status of enemy in their mind and justifies just about anything. Same with the C of S.
I think that the biological/criminal brain studies that have been done on the activating of the reptilian part of the brain must be somewhat accurate. They are never the same. Its like an ascension experience where they just KNOW what the real game is and the cutting edge must be theirs. No peace after this point. Like the C of S also. I'm so sensitive to these with an embeded dog eat dog encrypting that the fuzz on my arms bristle in their presence when they arrive on a job. I've already been assigned the role of enemy. Its tangible sometimes. And it has on occasion triggered me to nip them in the bud pre-emptively instead as I can see t-r-o-u-b-l-e ahead.
I have often wondered WHY. What engram do we contact when we hit a certain power peak. Is there a propensity to go into the valence of the last person who weilded such power? Were the last powerful valences victimizers? In the bank are valences and the games embroidered around them...and the computations about what solutions were successful and which were not. Why is it that absolute power corrupts absolutely every time. I'm thinking about what Ted wrote about his friend above and how CYA (cover your ass) has become the order of the day.
I think the game of 'WINNING' has deep aberrations. I think it has more engrams and decisions attached to it than sex. Its a well of insanity whereby one finds himself either in winning valences or enemy valences. This goes way beyond this universe and lives as humans. I don't think we've scratched the surface of these old games universe models whose dramatization just kicks in and repeats itself. Its Nuts. The clencher is that the mgmt of the C of S is doing a disservice in restimulating such charge almost constantly. Just the fact that it proposes to help people 'get out' of this universe trap in a guarantee right there. It puts one inside the counter efforts of the old game of keeping people IN. I've seen this over and over and spotted it for the first time in 1981. I was watching all these NOTs PCs in the HGC sloughing off and getting rid of unwanted beingnesses. These seemed to be stuck in a game that defined what they were doing. Ultimately I saw a lot of indiscriminate projecting of uncomplimentary beingness on others 'by' them. And when you got a little more spiritual 'ummmph' under the belt these projections cause imprintations. Very unfair. Very no ARC.
It could be easier to achieve peace or freedom via an attitude of sheer nonchalance than with total focus on an enemy.
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CarmeloOrchards
Crusader
There are gay singers and there are gay singers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRr5nwXUYhU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cd3pDM2f6Y8
CarmeloOrchards
Crusader
Hats,
If I were to give you some advice, it would be to break out the Clearing Course platens, and run four way help on each separate side of each dichotomy. I heard about this the other night. I think it sounds like a killer process to get at what troubles you.
If this answer is too simple, I'm sorry. When I audit, I go for results, not long bridges to nowhere.
If I were to give you some advice, it would be to break out the Clearing Course platens, and run four way help on each separate side of each dichotomy. I heard about this the other night. I think it sounds like a killer process to get at what troubles you.
If this answer is too simple, I'm sorry. When I audit, I go for results, not long bridges to nowhere.
Hatshepsut
Crusader
I would never run the implant platens. Are you talking about what you posted before about finding out what you are dramatizing and what another has caused you to dramatize? Running help is always a sure thing in any case.
CarmeloOrchards
Crusader
Those guys from the FCDC don't nose around here any more. Wonder what they're up to. :wink2:
I think they liked my contribution. Nah nah nah nah
CarmeloOrchards
Crusader
I would never run the implant platens. Are you talking about what you posted before about finding out what you are dramatizing and what another has caused you to dramatize? Running help is always a sure thing in any case.
As an example:
How could love help you?
How could you help love?
How could love help another?
How could another help love?
How could you help yourself with love?
The platens are just a bunch of opposites. GPMs are composed of efforts and counter efforts. The point of the exercise I'm proposing is to get bigger and beyond outside exterior to the effort counter effort mess that you describe. sometimes called pan determinism. Beyond good and evil, beyond games conditions. ACW's gold zone / heaven's universe microcosm.
Excuse me, I understand what I'm talking about. if you don't, this would make a great set of posts for those who only know standard tech, and not how and what to audit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU8h75G-LVE
FoTi
Crusader
Yes she was. As a child I looked up to her because she was my mother and she could do things better than me and I was always wrong. I had no frame of reference to compare anything to.
With the guy I was impressed because he was OT III. Since there was such a mystery on it and people who did OT Levels were supposed to be better and higher awareness I tended to stupidly view him this way. It confused the hell out of me. I came out of that relationship a mess. Nobody I was connected up to at that time was making any sense to me....not him, not my father, not Flag or any other org. It was all chaos to me and I didn't know how to straighten out my life or stabilize. Everything was conflicting. It was awful. I've had too much confusion in my life. It got me down for sure.
Hatshepsut
Crusader
It is unusually quite over at the FCDC.
Don't go over there stirring up any shit now. Ohhh...ok... right behind you
Don't go over there stirring up any shit now. Ohhh...ok... right behind you
Hatshepsut
Crusader
Its funny you should throw this out just now. Today when I got up I was thinking about how I had certain things compartmentalized. I also looked at a couple of things regarding the people and things I chose to be around. One of the things on my mind was doing a dynamic assessment.
I looked at the idea that I had still some old solutions to problems I'd worked on while in a more alien beingness. I said...what would that identity's dynamics be? I could run help on those items that came up.
CarmeloOrchards
Crusader
Its funny you should throw this out just now. Today when I got up I was thinking about how I had certain things compartmentalized. I also looked at a couple of things regarding the people and things I chose to be around. One of the things on my mind was doing a dynamic assessment.
Sometimes the best auditing question ISN"T "What question should I NOT ask you?" BUT "What question should I ask you?" followed by asking the question.
Hatshepsut
Crusader
Carmelo, is this directed at me?
I have no idea what the platens are. I saw some lengthy Filbert pack CC platens a long time ago and they did not indicate at all. I have a collected and copied series of dichotemies I've been meaning to destiimulate from Zivorad's (Aspectics) pak. Boy its everything. I am not averse to running help on dichotemies. Just LRH fixed line ups.
CarmeloOrchards
Crusader
Carmelo, is this directed at me?
directed right at you based on your long post. Any set of opposite GPM material will do. It is a shotgun approach.
You didn't do the Clearing Course?
Help is the best bar none entry point into a troubled area that there is. Getting ITEMS that plug in well to the help processes is something Scientology doesn't do well. That doesn't mean no one can do it right. I just mean to say that this is not Standard Tech (I'm talking to the wider audience now). It is effective especially with your lengthy description.
I'm not an internet certified C/S, but I play one on ESMB.
lkwdblds
Crusader
This was in studio. Did teen agers watch & cheer him?
I don't watch MTV at all, did teen aged crowds cheer Tony Bennett and give tumultous applause?. Is this sound studio part of MTV? If mainstream MTV plays Tony and their teen aged audience pays him homage then I will change my opinion of it.
Lakey
I don't watch MTV at all, did teen aged crowds cheer Tony Bennett and give tumultous applause?. Is this sound studio part of MTV? If mainstream MTV plays Tony and their teen aged audience pays him homage then I will change my opinion of it.
Lakey
Hatshepsut
Crusader
directed right at you based on your long post. Any set of opposite GPM material will do. It is a shotgun approach.
OK
You didn't do the Clearing Course?
NOPE
Help is the best bar none entry point into a troubled area that there is. Getting ITEMS that plug in well to the help processes is something Scientology doesn't do well. That doesn't mean no one can do it right. I just mean to say that this is not Standard Tech (I'm talking to the wider audience now). It is effective especially with your lengthy description.
I'm not an internet certified C/S, but I play one on ESMB.
Are you certifiable? yuk yuk yuk yuk
Hatshepsut
Crusader
It looked like a private sound studio to me. No teens around. Just the technicians and cameramen I would presume.
lkwdblds
Crusader
Thanks for all your added clarification FoTi.
Well, FoTi, amusing was not the best choice of words. I meant to qualify the word amusing. A better way to say it is that it is ironic that they are cowing their public and making them toe the line by threatening to take away something which they can not give.
I certainly want to thank you very much for the large expansion and clarification which you gave to your initial story. Your parents had more outpoints going for them than I had thought prior to reading your above post! It seems like your Mom was the worse off of your two parents.
THE BOTTOM LINE - Separating out all that you have said, the bottom line to me appears as follows. You and you parents were in a difficult situation, not of Co fo S's making. You discovered C of S on your own and they represented to you that they had the technology to handle your entire situation. There were no ifs, ands buts or maybes but you were assured with certainty that by giving them your money and your time, they could and would totally handle your problems if you cooperated and worked with them.
You gave $5,000 your Mom gave you, specifically intended for college and a car which your Dad bought you to enable you to drive to college and that was just for openers. They began you on an auditing program. You cooperated fully and your parents even routed into the Org to attempt to help out.
THE SUPREME TEST OF AN ORGANIZATION - MAKING THINGS GO RIGHT (AND AS USUAL, THEY FAILED)
Had the C of S really had the technology which they claimed that they had and what you paid your good money for, conditions would have improved noticeably. You would have improved your relationship with you parents and they would have seen that you were in safe and caring hands and would have left you alone while you yourself would have begun to succeed and thrive in all facets of your life. AT THE VERY LEAST, BETTERMENT SHOULD HAVE OCCURRED IN THESE AREAS. Of course, there was no real betterment in any of your lives. Some of the tech worked on you and you had some marvelous gains but those gains did not fit into what C of S had planned for you. C of S would not acknowledge your gains and let you have them let alone develop them.
ULTIMATELY THERE OCCURED WHAT ALWAYS OCCURS WHEN C OF S GETS THEIR HANDS ON A NEW PERSON, INVOLVED WITH A SKEPTICAL FAMILY. C OF S GETS ALL YOUR MONEY AND PUTS YOU FURTHER IN DEBT AND GETS A LOT OF NEARLY FREE LABOR OUT OF YOU, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY DETEREORATES AND YOU DISCONNECT FROM YOUR PARENTS, whose lives were subsequently ruined. THEN LAST, AS ALWAYS, C OF S BLAMES ALL OF THE DISASTROUS RESULTS ON YOU AND YOUR OWN SUPPOSED OUT ETHICS. This predictable scenario has been played out thousands and thousands of times, each story with its own neat little twists, as evidenced by the multitude of stories on this and other message boards.
Lakey
Lakey, my relationship with my mother was pretty bad. As a child she was emotionally pretty brutal. She told me that I caused all her problems, that I ruined her health and her marriage and she wished I'd never been born. That was pretty devistating for me when I was a child and I had no idea what I had done to make this happen to her. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I was an only child and I had no one to talk to about this. I thought I was so evil that I was just bad for anybody and I withdrew from people so that my influence, whatever it was, wouldn't hurt them. My mother wasn't supposed to be able to have any children and didn't want any. She told me children were not a blessing, but that they were an accident. Thus I was an accident. That made me feel horrible. She never once told me she loved me and she couldn't stand to have me touch her. I always felt like she hated me. She would be very vindictive when we were alone, but not when my father was around, so when I tried to talk to him about things she did or said, he would tell me I was crazy or that she was sick. She accidentally slipped one time when I was in my late 20's and my father was present when she tore into me. He called her on it, but it was the only time he ever saw it.
In high school I never wanted to go home after school because it was depressing. My parents didn't have a good marriage and that was even more depressing to me knowing that my mother didn't love my father. Every time I saw my father show her affection and saw her reject him it hurt me. She was very high strung and ill most of her life and she just sort of tolerated me and my father. I know she was miserable. There was no love expressed in our family. It was almost as if it was forbidden.
My father loved me, but never had any time for me even when he was retired, my mother was gone, I was living with him and he had nothing to do. His stock answer was "I don't have any time". (engramic command?) :confused2: But I also felt oppressed and dogged by him. Sometimes he would follow me and snoop on me. It just drove me up a wall. He was the one that wanted me to go to college. My mother sort of poo pooed and looked down on people that went to college and would bad mouth them. So, if I went to college my father would be pleased, but my mother wouldn't be, but if I didn't go to college my mother wouldn't bad mouth me for that, but my father wouldn't be satisfied. They didn't agree on a lot of things so I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't - no matter what I did somebody was going to be unhappy with me. I guess I was hoping that Scientology would resolve this issue if I could get my family in session. I don't know if it would have ever resolved, but at the time I thought it would.
My father wouldn't ever let me grow up. He had to hang onto me and protect me from anything and everything in life. It was oppressive and I felt dogged by him.
I was torn between wanting to have a good relationship with my parents and wanting to get away from them altogether.
My parents were always pretty free with the money. The $5,000 was money that she inherited from a relative and she passed it on to me. Had she not done that my father would have helped me to finish school. I think she might have had some idea that he wouldn't. :confused2: It might have been better had she not done that because then I would have had to finish college and I only had one more semester to go to graduate. Then I could have worked in that field and paid for my own bridge and would have been happier in the long run with a career to pay for services and to live on instead of having to work jobs that I didn't like. The reason I started going to college was to get out of having to work in jobs that I hated. It just would have put off my own auditing for a while and I probably would have trained first, and maybe I would have had a chance to co-audit with another student. At the time I kept having this thought that I was dying - it was actually my mother who was dying of cancer....maybe it was her thought. I don't know. I just know I was kind of frantic to get up the Bridge so that I wouldn't get Cancer like my mother had, and I wanted my parents to get up the bridge so they could go free and if they had another life I wanted them to do this before they passed on so that they could me more cause over where they ended up next lifetime, since I was under the impression that Scientology would handle ANYTHING and give one a better future than they had this lifetime. My mother had a really rough life and I wanted her and my father to have a better life next time.
Giving most of the money to CC and then having to give more (so I sold the car my dad gave me to get to school and work) to pay for the BC when I transferred over to ASHO left me feeling overwhellmed with guilt for betraying my parents by giving the money and my car to CoS and not finishing college, since that was what it was given to me for. I felt like a real turd for doing that even though I was convinced it was the greatest good for the greatest number and that everything would come out better in the end. I got some pretty dynamic wins from auditing in 1974 from students on the BC, but it came at the expense of my friends, my education, my family, my income, my integrity, my self respect and my happiness and it didn't have to be that way. That's just the way LRH set it up.
ASHO did not try hard to get me to handle my parents and not declare them. I don't know where you got that idea, Lakey. I was sent to the MAA and told to handle or disconnect. I was new to Scientology - didn't know how to handle my dad,and they didn't tell me how, so my only other choice was to disconnect and in my mind I thought it was only while I was getting the auditing...not on any permanent basic. I gave a solution, which I wrote in my story, but the MAA wouldn't accept that solution which did not include any disconnection, but just an avoidance while I was getting my auditing. I didn't want to upset my mother's auditing at ASHO because for the first time ever her cheeks were pink and she looked healthier and better than I had ever seen her. She even smiled a little.
After the disconnection from my father, she blew and asked for her money back. According to her when I talked to her a couple of years later she didn't say anything about it having to do with the disconnection - she didn't like the way her auditor handled her. The auditor asked her what she had done to me and she got mad and tried to blow the session. The auditor trapped her and wouldn't let her out of the room - she freaked because she was being held against her will. Somehow she got out of there and would never go back and asked for her money back.
She also didn't like all the word clearing she was paying for because she would give the definition and then the auditor had to look it up to be sure and she was paying for the lack of knowledge on the auditor's part. My mother was a crossword puzzle whiz and an avid dictionary user. I used to play scrabble with her once in a while and she came up with words I'd never heard of before. She was word wise and quite smart. They gave her the money back and declared her. Then she threatened to sue for loss of her daughter, so I was told. That's why the MAA at ASHO told me to call her to get her off their back. They just didn't want her to sue them. When I called her, she was furious with me and told me she never wanted to see me again and to never come to her house because all I wanted was her money, which was not true, but that's what she thought.
I could never talk to either one of my parents to straighten anything out or handle anything - all I ever got was make wrong when trying to talk about anything that needed talking about. I never understood my parents - there was a big wall between us. I mostly felt like they gave me money out of guilt because they couldn't give me love. :confused2: I could never do anything for my parents - they never needed or wanted anything from me, which left me feeling like I wasn't really part of the family. Going home to stay with them when my mother was dying to help out and staying on with my father when he was alone to help him out was the most I was ever allowed to do for them and that was spoiled by Flag telling me to move out and get as far away from my father as possible. More ethics and PTS/SP shit.
I tell you, the CoS had me convinced my parents were SPs and I was so torn between wanting to be with them and do things for them and feeling like I shouldn't be with them or do things for them and feeling so wrong and guilty for helping them out.
What I never understood whenever I looked back on this was why they didn't just handle my charge on my dad while I was in session instead of doing the ethics thing which resulted in a disconnection? :confused2: When the origination from me which was charged came up in session, instead of handling me, the auditor ended the session with me all charged up and I was sent to ethics to handle him. I hate ethics and all that PTS/SP crap that kept being shoved down my throat.
My parents didn't come on lines for me, Lakey. I got a doctor in the SO to talk to my parents to convince them to come in so that my mother could get auditing so that she wouldn't die - she had cancer and I didn't want her to be sick or to die. I was really distraught about her condition. I didn't like to see her in pain and suffereing, but that's not why she came in. She came in thinking that this would help her. After she blew and while I was disconnected from them for two years, she found a field auditor somehow and got some auditing. Of course at the time I was upset that she did that. When I got back together with my parents it seemed to be easier to be around her though, now that I think about it. I think she did get some benefit out of her auditing. I was hoping too that auditing would help our relationship so that there would be love there instead of resentment. My father came in because he brought my mother in. He was not interested in doing Scientology for himself or me at all.
Lakey, I don't think it's very amusing the way the CoS bullies people by threatening to keep them from their Eternity. It's actually very painful to the people this is being done to. What's so amusing about it?
I don't believe this. I wrote this whole thing up and then it disappeared on me and I couldn't find it anywhere on my computer for the last hour. I was really upset. It suddenly appeared again. I'm sending it before it disappears again.
Well, FoTi, amusing was not the best choice of words. I meant to qualify the word amusing. A better way to say it is that it is ironic that they are cowing their public and making them toe the line by threatening to take away something which they can not give.
I certainly want to thank you very much for the large expansion and clarification which you gave to your initial story. Your parents had more outpoints going for them than I had thought prior to reading your above post! It seems like your Mom was the worse off of your two parents.
THE BOTTOM LINE - Separating out all that you have said, the bottom line to me appears as follows. You and you parents were in a difficult situation, not of Co fo S's making. You discovered C of S on your own and they represented to you that they had the technology to handle your entire situation. There were no ifs, ands buts or maybes but you were assured with certainty that by giving them your money and your time, they could and would totally handle your problems if you cooperated and worked with them.
You gave $5,000 your Mom gave you, specifically intended for college and a car which your Dad bought you to enable you to drive to college and that was just for openers. They began you on an auditing program. You cooperated fully and your parents even routed into the Org to attempt to help out.
THE SUPREME TEST OF AN ORGANIZATION - MAKING THINGS GO RIGHT (AND AS USUAL, THEY FAILED)
Had the C of S really had the technology which they claimed that they had and what you paid your good money for, conditions would have improved noticeably. You would have improved your relationship with you parents and they would have seen that you were in safe and caring hands and would have left you alone while you yourself would have begun to succeed and thrive in all facets of your life. AT THE VERY LEAST, BETTERMENT SHOULD HAVE OCCURRED IN THESE AREAS. Of course, there was no real betterment in any of your lives. Some of the tech worked on you and you had some marvelous gains but those gains did not fit into what C of S had planned for you. C of S would not acknowledge your gains and let you have them let alone develop them.
ULTIMATELY THERE OCCURED WHAT ALWAYS OCCURS WHEN C OF S GETS THEIR HANDS ON A NEW PERSON, INVOLVED WITH A SKEPTICAL FAMILY. C OF S GETS ALL YOUR MONEY AND PUTS YOU FURTHER IN DEBT AND GETS A LOT OF NEARLY FREE LABOR OUT OF YOU, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY DETEREORATES AND YOU DISCONNECT FROM YOUR PARENTS, whose lives were subsequently ruined. THEN LAST, AS ALWAYS, C OF S BLAMES ALL OF THE DISASTROUS RESULTS ON YOU AND YOUR OWN SUPPOSED OUT ETHICS. This predictable scenario has been played out thousands and thousands of times, each story with its own neat little twists, as evidenced by the multitude of stories on this and other message boards.
Lakey
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