Reading some stories on one or two other threads made me realise something.
In the smallest, darkest part of my mind, I still, to a very small degree, think that I'm an out ethics scumbag with evil purps in full restim because I didn't "make it" in Scientology.
I still think there is something wrong with me. I still think I'm a bad egg.
This isn't what I rationally think. I do know better. But it's how I still feel sometimes despite all that I know.
The indoctrination runs very deep and very long and plays upon the natural human fears of failure and worthlessness.
Ironically what made me realise this is your stories of crazy justice cycles. I know in my heart & mind that there are some fucking WONDERFUL people on this board. People who I would trust my life with. It's these people who also "didn't make it" in Scientology. It's these people who copped the same inval and eval (pardon the Scientologese). And it got me thinking....
I thought, "maybe it's not just me?" But then I thought "Wait a minute! Why do I STILL think it's about me?" "Why do I still think I'm the one who screwed up?" I do know better than that.
It's amazing what creepy bits of thought fucking are still rattling around after all these years.
After 7 years I'm still peeling it off.
p.s. Scuse the language. This whole thing has annoyed me.
In the smallest, darkest part of my mind, I still, to a very small degree, think that I'm an out ethics scumbag with evil purps in full restim because I didn't "make it" in Scientology.
I still think there is something wrong with me. I still think I'm a bad egg.
This isn't what I rationally think. I do know better. But it's how I still feel sometimes despite all that I know.
The indoctrination runs very deep and very long and plays upon the natural human fears of failure and worthlessness.
Ironically what made me realise this is your stories of crazy justice cycles. I know in my heart & mind that there are some fucking WONDERFUL people on this board. People who I would trust my life with. It's these people who also "didn't make it" in Scientology. It's these people who copped the same inval and eval (pardon the Scientologese). And it got me thinking....
I thought, "maybe it's not just me?" But then I thought "Wait a minute! Why do I STILL think it's about me?" "Why do I still think I'm the one who screwed up?" I do know better than that.
It's amazing what creepy bits of thought fucking are still rattling around after all these years.
After 7 years I'm still peeling it off.
p.s. Scuse the language. This whole thing has annoyed me.