scooterstory

[Free Being Me]

 

[Commander Birdsong]

Beatify
Unindoctrinated
Middle eastern
Pomegranates

 

[Commander Birdsong]

This is the start of my story - it'll cover the thirty-odd (and they were thirty ODD) years of my involvment with the Co$. Hope you like the first installment.

Introduction

I found the diary of Albert Speer in the local library and began to read it. He was Hitler’s architect and had a close personal relationship with one of the Twentieth Century’s greatest monsters. Speer wrote the diary during the twenty years he spent in prison for war crimes, written secretly on toilet paper and smuggled out of the jail he was kept in. It was the story of a man with dreams of turning his country into something beautiful by creating the world’s most spectacular urban landscapes full of gardens, lakes, forests, beautiful buildings and sculptures, long wide avenues and so on and who got subverted into being a part of something indescribably evil and then who began to see just how misled he’d been and how wrong his actions were. He wasn’t a bad man, but he had done some very bad things that he slowly began to take some responsibility for. He was the only Nazi at the War Crimes trials who admitted responsibility for his part in the horrors – he was genuinely remorseful. The parallels with what my life had been for the last 30 or so years were frightening. “Take a deep breath and feel dizzy with terror” type of frightening. “Not wanting to look but being unable to look away” type of frightening. Hence the title of this story. I’m not pointing out anyone here and saying “This is the devil – kill him.” It’s just a story of how I and a lot of people who became my friends became entangled in something I finally came to see was so wrong yet I thought it was so right.

I first came in direct contact with Scientology in February 1979. Until October 2008, I’d been active as a Scientology staff member or worked in some of the Scientology “Social Betterment” activities such as Narconon. Scientology’s drug rehab program. I’ve trained extensively in the time, completing 80 courses on the subject. I’ve added a list of these at the end.

There are a lot of good things about Scientology. I’ve tried to include these in my story so that you get a balanced view of the subject. As I said, I’m not interested in blaming anyone or anything for my time spent in Scientology. I just don’t want anyone else going through the sufferings and insanities that I encountered in my journey – the bad has far outweighed the good.

I’ve just detailed as much as I can so that you can judge for yourself what to think. Especially in the later years, I have referred to my extensive diaries and other notes taken at the time to be as accurate as I can


Before the Start

I had a pretty good upbringing. Part of a large Christian family, youngest of six. Did well at school, above-average intelligence and found school generally easy and enjoyed learning. Enjoyed music and painting and writing and bird-watching and surfing and playing football and growing orchids and breeding frogs and fish.

Found myself at a loose end with no goals in life as I got older and got into drugs at the age of 14 and life began to disintergrate. Drifted into university to fail at Biology and fell into a clerical job with the Post Office. More drugs and alcohol. Several attempts to get away from this and get me back but every time I’d just get back on.

Could drink 24 cans of beer at a party and happily deny I was an alcoholic. Grew some of the strongest MJ anyone had ever smoked and partied on while those around me crashed in a stupor. Screwed my life up to the point I could barely hold down a labouring job. Flirted with heroin. Did plenty of other drugs like speed and LSD. Stopped surfing. Stopped painting. Stopped playing soccer.

Despite all of this, thought it was all fine but knew deep down it wasn’t. Was heading further and further down the black hole and knew of no way to climb back out again, or even if there were a way to regain what I’d lost already and could see myself losing in the near future. Totally powerless over what I was doing and where I was heading.

First Contact

Had some vague beliefs in being a spiritual being and had long abandoned Christianity but had gotten interested in Buddhism and had read a bit about it and apathetically followed what I understood of its philosophy. That is, when I wasn’t too out of it from whatever cocktail of chemicals I was currently on. Was 22, doing LSD every fortnight and digging holes by the roadside for a living. Got out of the truck one day to catch a train home where I normally wouldn’t have gotten out of the truck and had a young guy with a clipboard ask me if I’d do a survey. I agreed, and soon found myself in a rather dilapidated building answering a “Personality Test” and then having a girl about my age called Kerri telling me all about myself, especially the non-complimentary bits. Rubbed my nose in my wasted life and told me I needed to change. She asked me if I was doing drugs at all and I said yeah, just finished a fridgeload of acid and still had some great homegrown MJ and no I hadn’t done heroin for a while – was trying to stay away from that and she interrupted my ramble and told me to “knock of the drugs and do the ‘auditing’ “ - I think I passed over $30 for some “co-audit” stuff and came back for the next few nights to see if this stuff worked. Everyone there seemed to be my age or not much older and there was a nice feel to the place. Found myself sitting with a stranger asking the same set of questions over and over and then the stranger suddenly brightened up and had some really cool thoughts about his life. He did the same thing for me and I thought it was pretty cool too. After four nights of this, I suddenly realized that I’d been hiding behind drugs and I didn’t need to – I could sort out my own problems without the help of anyone or anything. From that day to this, I’ve not touched heroin, hash, MJ, speed, acid or anything else. I kept smoking cigarettes for quite a few years and even had the odd drink until 15 years after this but my life had changed totally at that point and I felt amazing. I wanted to paint again, I wanted to write stories and songs again. Life became fun again without a chemical assist. I played soccer again, this time without being stoned. But I couldn’t tell my family and friends what had caused all this – it was Scientology and it was at best “weird.”

I was taken to see some guy who told me I’d make a great “auditor” and I could buy this course and get another one for free if I gave him a few hundred dollars (I think it was about $600 at the time). I easily had that in my bank account so I paid up. I could do more of this auditing stuff on others and get them to do it on me. But this new auditing was even better than what I’d been doing! More powerful! Wow! Life was looking great!

what?

you "easily had $600 in your bank account"?

as far drugs go you were a dilletante scootsie...

 

[scooter]

what?

you "easily had $600 in your bank account"?

as far drugs go you were a dilletante scootsie...

$600 was more than enough for two pound of good-qual dope at that time.

Think large garbage bags full. Two of them.

Don't forget I had alcohol and chemical bills to cover as well.

 

[J3nn1f3r]

Stunning, great read. Thanks for sharing scooter.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
J3n

 

[AnonyMary]

OK folks I need your help.

I've started to re-write my story for a whole bunch of reasons - when I started this, I was still very much a Scientologist even tho' I'd "left." What you got was my story not written by the real me, just an emotional retard who was ashamed of being a human being as he was "OT."

I want this to be accessible to someone who's barely heard of this toxic cult, and take them through the journey so that they understand how easily we were taken in just because we were vulnerable and human.

Comments welcome. I hope you enjoy this taste.




“Excuse me....”

The crowd on Sydney’s Broadway parted and flowed around the earnest young man with the clipboard.

“Excuse me, I’m doing a short survey....”

It was a Friday afternoon, late summer 1979, everyone gearing up or the weekend. No-one wanted to stop for this guy.

“Excuse me I’m doing a short survey. It’s only three questions.”

Why not? I’ve got time to kill – train won’t be in for another 25 minutes. So I stop. Earnest young man has on a collared shirt and business trousers, both old but clean. He makes strong eye-contact with me and smiles.

“If you could be anything what would you be?”

Hmmmm, weird question, but I’ll try to answer. I muttered something.

“Thank you.” Scribbles something on clipboard.

“If you could change anything, what would you change?’

There’s a world of injustice and stupidity to pick from – this is a hard one.

“If you could have anything, what would you have?”

Million dollars? Self-sufficient farm and a happy hippy lifestyle? I came up with something.

“Which of these answers is the most important to you?”

I found something and went to leave.

“Can I show you something about that?”

Ah, what the hell - I’ve got nothing important happening. I’ll play along. This may be interesting.

He sets off down the street, into the tunnel under the road and up on the other side, making small-talk all the way. He stops at the entrance to a rather shabby building. I glance up at the aged brickwork and see how dirty it is. Inside it’s a bit dark and cluttered and definitely not opulent. Looks like most of the furniture is second-hand and the receptionist is similarly dressed in out-moded clothes. None of which bothers me – I’m covered in cement dust and clay from a day working outside digging up streets in the sun.

I sign in and get sat at a table and given a “personality test” to do. I’m assured it won’t take long, so I start on it, and soon get lost in the questions, thinking hard about myself for the first time in a while. I finish it, and take it to a girl about my age named Kerri and she says she’ll have it marked really quickly so I can just sit over here and look at this for now. It’s Scientology, and apparently Chick Correa’s one. He’s cool. So is the Incredible String Band. John Travolta – couldn’t care less about him or his disco followers. Other names I have no idea of or they just don’t interest me.

I look around the place and it’s fairly busy. There’s other people doing the test too. Seems like quite a few staff in here, all with a “reformed hippy” type of dress code. There’s a few ill-fitting suits but mostly it’s semi-casual. Busy. Friendly – at least to me.

Soon the girl has me come over and sit at her desk. She lays this graph out in front of me and shows me me as I am, as I am with others and as I am with work. She’s so certain it must be correct. And some of these home truths about my screwed-up life hit me pretty hard.

$30 – try this and see how it goes. It will help you with these messed up areas of your life. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t do something so what have you got to lose? $30 for 5 nights.

I finally agree. Then she fixes me with a glare and says “Do you take drugs?”

Well yes, I’ve been doing LSD every fortnight and got some great home-grown marijuana. Haven’t had any speed or heroin for a while. Pretty pleased with that.

“Don’t – not while you’re doing this. It’ll stop it working.”

OK, OK, I got the message. A week straight is probably just what I need anyway, especially since I’ve just been shown how much of a basket-case I am.

I get walked up some stairs into another room with second-hand furniture and get introduced to Jan. She’s more laid-back than Kerri. She tells me she won’t be here when I turn up on Monday but a girl called Barbie will be. OK I’m coming in Monday night, 7 pm. Jan seems cool, so does Kerri. They seem like honest girls. They seem to want the best for me. They reckon this stuff works well.

I walk out of there and there’s still plenty of daylight. No alcohol nor drugs this weekend, come back in Monday at 7. It’s definitely weird, but some of my mates have been in here and told me about it, and they all walked away from it after a while. $30 is no big outlay, especially if it does something for me. Maybe I got out of the truck early this afternoon for a reason. Sometimes things are meant to be.

I turned up Monday night and got introduced to some other guy who’d just started like me. We sat opposite each other and he asked me the same question over and over again for a while and then I did the same to him. Then it was nearly 10 o’clock so we went home.

Came back in Tuesday night and did the same thing. Same on Wednesday. It was interesting. Sorted some stuff out for myself and it was interesting to listen to someone else’s problems as well as just download me.

Thursday was different. It started out the same, but then I realized that I could solve all my problems. Totally. I didn’t need to fear problems, I could solve them just by tackling them logically. It was quite amazing. Probably had something to do with being off drugs for a whole week but I was told it was these amazing techniques developed by this guy Hubbard who started Scientology. And I’d given up the drugs before and never had this happen to me so it must be true.

Friday I turned up and didn’t do much apart from run these techniques on some girl staff member who was pretty new to the scene – her name was Jo. She seemed to have a great time and told me I’d make a great “auditor” – that’s someone who “runs” these “processes” that Hubbard came up with. Someone who sits there and listens to another unburden. I’m told I don’t need any more as I’ve reached the goal of all this the night before, and I’m pretty happy with that. Life beckons. Maybe I’ll be able to stay off the drugs now.

But there’s people I need to see apparently, and so I get taken to see them. I write up what happened and someone asks me some questions about it while I’m hooked up to this thing called an “E-meter.” That’s up on the second floor, Then I get taken somewhere else and asked some more questions, then meet someone else. It was all a bit of a blur.

I just know that at some point I agreed to come back and see this guy called Paul on the next day. I wasn’t sure what for but it seemed important. Somehow I could become a really great auditor for just $400, or was it $600? This would let me get far far bigger wins than I’d just had and I could do it with someone else without any extra costs. IF I wanted to buy this stuff done by professionals, it would cost me thousands to have someone else do it. I didn’t have thousands, but I did have just under a thousand dollars in my bank account. Somehow I agreed to this – yes it’s $600. I was going to save up for a decent car but it’s more important to fix me up I guess. And I can save up more while I’m doing this study. I mean, I won’t be spending it on drugs and alcohol any more now, so it’s really a bit of a bargain.

I get the money out of the bank and go back and see Paul with it. There’s this teenage girl there who sneers at me. She’s obviously a disco person – dresses like one. I’m a scruffy, bearded hippy in clothes with holes in them and I don’t care. But Paul’s happy to see me and treats me like a good friend. He takes me off to meet a whole new bunch of people in this rabbit warren of a building, all sitting at their second-hand desks. Lot of people don’t like the look of me, but that’s fairly usual. Most try to be friendly.

Finally I get to the courseroom where I’m going to be studying and I meet various people then wait to meet the supervisor of it all. His name is Allen and he’s a bit scary. I HAVE to be on time and make sure I don’t talk to other students and I HAVE to be on time and I need to put my hand up if I have any problems and I HAVE to be on time and I have to look up any word I don’t know and “clear it” – use it in made-up sentences and I HAVE to be on time - I definitely don’t want to make an enemy of this man.

I start, and begin reading this thing called “Keeping Scientology Working” out of the folder of stuff they gave me called the “Student Hat” – some course that’ll help me study, and it’s free. I dropped out of uni several years earlier because I couldn’t study – that, and the drugs. So maybe this’ll get me able to go back there and finish that degree some day.

I finish wading through the pages of this thing and put my hand up. Allen asks me the definition of a word and I can’t define it, although I’m sure I sort of know what it means. He shows me the dictionary. I have to read it again.

I dunno how many times I read that thing and got flunked, but I sure learned a bunch of words I thought I knew but really didn’t. At the end of the night, they all gave “wins” that sounded pretty wacky then all stood up and applauded this big picture of Hubbard in a sailor’ hat. Seemed like Chinese applauding Chairman Mao’s picture to me, but I went along with it. When in Rome, ....

I caught the train home late that night wondering a bit what the hell I’d gotten into. It was interesting, but definitely different. All a bit weird. I didn’t really care – it was better than going and getting drunk and/or stoned and certainly cheaper. And there were some good-looking girls in there. Friendly too. I was 22 years old.

I would be 52 years old when I finally left Scientology and began to critically examine what the hell had just happened to me.

Please? :wink2:

 

[scooter]

Please? :wink2:

I've been trying to get the time to do this - it's just not working for me with my current schedule.

There's a whole story of the NarCONon years, working for ApS and trying to set up a WISE thing as a consultant, filling in the gaps of what I've already written - not to mention what's happened since I left the cult and all the intrigue, drama and political wheeling and dealing plus media stuff etc etc.. It's a project I'd love to have lots of time for, but -

We're renovating our house at the moment and there's a lot of time taken up by that. Plus the kids. Plus working enough to keep the bills covered and then some.

I'll try - I promise.

 

[Commander Birdsong]

Stunning, great read. Thanks for sharing scooter.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
J3n

scoots is a pretty good writer

 

[AnonyMary]

I've been trying to get the time to do this - it's just not working for me with my current schedule.

There's a whole story of the NarCONon years, working for ApS and trying to set up a WISE thing as a consultant, filling in the gaps of what I've already written - not to mention what's happened since I left the cult and all the intrigue, drama and political wheeling and dealing plus media stuff etc etc.. It's a project I'd love to have lots of time for, but -

We're renovating our house at the moment and there's a lot of time taken up by that. Plus the kids. Plus working enough to keep the bills covered and then some.

I'll try - I promise.

Scooter! I understand completely. I was just bumping up the thread and letting you know I'm looking forward to what you have to write, as I know I am not alone in this.

Best wishes, Scoot

 

[afaceinthecrowd]

Re: Scooter goes to Flag - Part One

This gentleman was named Frank McCall. He showed me ship's logs written in LRH's handwriting, which I thought were fantastic artifacts. Frank built all the ship models of the SO vessels, which were once displayed in the FSO lobby.

Frank officiated at my wedding to my ex, Valerie, on the tenth floor balcony at the Ft Harrison. Photos of the ceremony show my brother as best man looking very keyed in. I'm guessing that as a Jewish non-scio he couldn't have Frank dressed in the ministerial collar complete with scn cross.

Frank McCall was a sure enough fine, fine feller.

Face

 

[afaceinthecrowd]

I've been trying to get the time to do this - it's just not working for me with my current schedule.

There's a whole story of the NarCONon years, working for ApS and trying to set up a WISE thing as a consultant, filling in the gaps of what I've already written - not to mention what's happened since I left the cult and all the intrigue, drama and political wheeling and dealing plus media stuff etc etc.. It's a project I'd love to have lots of time for, but -

I'll try - I promise.

Do whatcha can whenya can, Scoots.

Always LUVED your stuff and your take. It's you and Folks like you that kept me hanging around and keep me checking-in on this place. I've pretty much shot my wad but anything new from you about your story I'm gonna be all ears.

You're one of the Folks that helped me open up me can of squirmin' worms.

Your opening re-write Narrative speaks to me. We got into Scn half a world and half a generation apart. I'm the older dude with his crop raised and the Big Dipper shining in the night sky...You're the younger stud still nurturing his garden with the Southern Cross aglow in the night sky. Our stories very are different yet so, so similar.

"We're renovating our house at the moment and there's a lot of time taken up by that. Plus the kids. Plus working enough to keep the bills covered and then some." Been there, done that...Good on ya mate!

Face

 

[Commander Birdsong]

Do whatcha can whenya can, Scoots.

Always LUVED your stuff and your take. It's you and Folks like you that kept me hanging around and keep me checking-in on this place. I've pretty much shot my wad but anything new from you about your story I'm gonna be all ears.

You're one of the Folks that helped me open up me can of squirmin' worms.

Your opening re-write Narrative speaks to me. We got into Scn half a world and half a generation apart. I'm the older dude with his crop raised and the Big Dipper shining in the night sky...You're the younger stud still nurturing his garden with the Southern Cross aglow in the night sky. Our stories very are different yet so, so similar.

"We're renovating our house at the moment and there's a lot of time taken up by that. Plus the kids. Plus working enough to keep the bills covered and then some." Been there, done that...Good on ya mate!

Face

jee-yay-ziss face!

you still got more...

that was a nifty little post the other day on lakey's thread

 

[Gizmo]

So many really good people have so much left to contribute to the truth of what was really happening.

Thank you face. Thank you Scooter. And Thanks to all the many others who have done so much to get the truth told.

 

[Free to shine]

Time for a

 

[AnonyMary]

This is one of the most important stories to read here on the forum. I get shivers whenever I see it. So brave of Scooter to reveal what happened. I cried reading it

 

[Free to shine]

 

[OMFG]

I've just spent all afternoon and evening reading your story and it is truly amazing, when things got insane I left but you stuck in doing what you felt was right time and time again.
You are a most dedicated spirit, an inspiration to the rest of us, thanks for your story and I look forward to hearing more.

 

[Victoria]

I've just spent all afternoon and evening reading your story and it is truly amazing, when things got insane I left but you stuck in doing what you felt was right time and time again.
You are a most dedicated spirit, an inspiration to the rest of us, thanks for your story and I look forward to hearing more.

Yeah, I "causatively" dumped any further obligations for the afternoon of the day I discovered Scooters story.
He really was one of the big beings I was in awe of when in the church.
Knowing what a quagmire of stops actually trying to obtain the training and auditing levels the cherch demanded of one, people like him mystified me in their abilities and tenacity.

On darker days, I can see $cientology as a perfect operation if you wanted to go into a country, scoop up and neutralize a percentage of their youngest and brightest.

I really fell in love with Scooter, reading hat story.
And there are lots of others on this site too.

I might have had to wait twenty years to access this information, but I feel really lucky to have found it.
Before that, being an ex was pretty isolating. How would you ever explain it to a never in?
I didn't even try.

 

[USGuy]

I had to make an account just to reply to this thread.
I have spent the last week reading this thread from beginning to end. I'm not a scio, just someone that is fascinated by the cult and it's workings.

However I had to say how well this was written, and to tell you Scooter that I could see this being a very successful book, even in the states, if you ever get time to finish it. I am sure many more besides myself would love to hear more when you are ready. I am sure this was not an easy thing for you to write, and the amount of years you spent on this thread is amazing!

Congrats on getting out, and continue to enjoy life!

 

[afaceinthecrowd]

I had to make an account just to reply to this thread.
I have spent the last week reading this thread from beginning to end. I'm not a scio, just someone that is fascinated by the cult and it's workings.

However I had to say how well this was written, and to tell you Scooter that I could see this being a very successful book, even in the states, if you ever get time to finish it. I am sure many more besides myself would love to hear more when you are ready. I am sure this was not an easy thing for you to write, and the amount of years you spent on this thread is amazing!

Congrats on getting out, and continue to enjoy life!

Welcome to ESMB, USGuy.

This is one of the All Time Best Ever Threads on ESMB.

Scoots is The Real Deal and over the years has put up some of the most insightful, important, accurate, thought-filled and heart-filled Posts on this Board.

Scoots Walked the Walk, Talked that Walk and--at great personal peril--slung his "David's Sling"...Inflicting numerous festering wounds and permanent damage to "Goliath", especially in Oz.

As I've said a number of times over the years on ESMB...

You Da Man, Scoots...Y-O-U D-A M-A-N!

Face

EDIT PS: ESMB is the largest repository of the most accurate, factual, detailed, honest, insightful, thoughtful, thought-filled, helpful, heartfelt, humorous and heart rending personal stories and first hand observations, distillation, accounts and analysis re: every Era, Echelon and Persona of Scn, the Cof$, the Sea Org, the "Tech", etc. and El Ron, Hisself...And, ESMB is the largest repository of Docs and Links to Docs re: same.

ESMB is a Voluntary Collaborative "Organic Mosaic" in-progress...Many have come here and cast down their singular Tiles, some have recently arrived and are currently casting down their unique Tiles, and others to come will view, ponder and ad their individual Tiles...Tiles that further delineate, refine and polish the existing Mosaic of the Story of Us.