A BILLION YEARS DISTILLED - poem from an Ex SO

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
A BILLION YEARS DISTILLED


I've stood my tallest, strong and keen
sharp navy blues on white unpressed
gilded with such pride of meagre rank
still thrilling inside grim-faced mask
all individual, part of elite group.
I am the team
I work flat out
I run, don't walk
I know the score.
(This life grand Yvonne's softly eyes endorsed
This adventure David's manic glint engaged).


I've walked the gangplank, up to Flag
a bridge to total freedom? no,
to something better: duty, care
penultimate, right next to Source
where action is, and bellys young and fired.
to graduate
to make my mark
to give my all
to save the world.
(Surprise! my greeting is a Terri laugh,
precursor to a thousand smiles
Surprise! they're just a hundred guys like me
with taste for action -- vive la vie!)


I've met the Old Man, Commodore
(an LRH who fancied to be HRH)
my guru, chief, raison d'être
strong, inspiring, our own Thor
and only sometimes showing feet of clay.
He chatted, navigation stars
he yelled, a flub-catch leaving port
he messengered, all wee winged feet
he wrote, prolix! (but always fun in OODs)
(Oh Lafayette you weren't exempt,
great power overpowers *all* egos
Oh David young Hermes indeed
fly close, fly high - wax melts, take heed!)


I've weathered fiercest ocean storms
a hurricane close to the rocks
"one more degree of list and she *will* keel"
grip-riding drenching high bow waves,
my ship my surfboard, I'm The King!
Hear rigging's scream
feel dancing bolt (hung from a string)
see faces white
taste waves, my God the waves!
(Poor 'Frank The Bucket' - desparate!
and extra food for us who don't turn green
Poor children of our legend be
those Sea Org members without sea).


I've worn a uniform with pride
'on mission' like Blues Brothers but
by orders of some lesser Gods
My ethics in, my confront high,
they'd look away but up their game when Sea Org came to town.
Get those stats up!
get back on-tech!
get regging, quick!
get off your ass!
(But Doreen did that knife-in-wall trick really work?
and Jill why did down stats return
and why were bridges all so burned?)


I've loved intensely, sardine style
when stress entreats and close feels like affinity
Too-easy touch can seem like need, and havingness means gettingness
We practiced well at kidding selves, were righteous stars like Hollywood
so honour waned, and family. The smorgasbord awaits.
Is she with him?
is he off lines?
is "flows" 2D?
is family and a life just wog-world dreams?
(No wasn't scared of your Dad hon
but yes I knew he'd think me low
No I'll never listen to Hey April
without heart-clutch about mischievous green eyes.)


I've done my time in serfdom, slaved in boiler-suited RPF
some higher up thought low of me, gold buttons making goldenrod
or dirty needle? dirty hands!
so here's some hell - go janitor and rehabilitate!
Some MEST got rehabbed but not me, I know how POWs feel:
you fake Yes SIR through bitter sweat, and only cry at night.
No, I see rust!
no, no time off!
no case on post!
No! CSW is not OK.
(Ah irony of destiny
mete balance and such just deserts
Ah them that lightly "banish!" said
will soon enough be banish-ed).


I've stopped and thought, looked at my life, evaluated stats
Examined tech not Chinese style or 'knowing' it correct
In doubt looked at polarities, deciding paths to take
So walked down gangplank tenuous, goodbye?
but leaving friends, not enemies, 'cause now I understand.
Me? I'm just a graduate.
me? I've made my mark.
me? I gave my all (and more besides)
me? my world is everyone's, not some's (the 'able' rich).
(Father was it my fault that my life went thus so long?
well no but yes, we made it all go right
Father was there one thing I should now do different?
what if?...who cares, or possibly could know?)

What I know is
we can come back
or not - now power comes from self
the past has passed
abandon self to love,
and dance and learn
hang tough take care
each moment built your life's net wealth
so drink your Sea Org buddies' health
our new quest life right here!


David William James
12 April 06

mtxvdv.jpg

ps. David is my brother and has given me permission to share this. I think he was 15 when he was sent to the ship.
 

Panda Termint

Cabal Of One
That is really an extraordinary look at SO life, the whole thing... it's awesome!

Thank You, David, for writing it and Thank You, FTS, for sharing it.
 

I told you I was trouble

Suspended animation
Yes, this impinged on me too, it's so raw and honest.

Brilliant.

I hope you come and join us here David (your Sister is one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever known and I see that deep knowing and observation followed by putting words together beautifully runs in the family).

:yes:
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Yes, this impinged on me too, it's so raw and honest.

Brilliant.

I hope you come and join us here David (your Sister is one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever known and I see that deep knowing and observation followed by putting words together beautifully runs in the family).

:yes:

Thankyou Trouble. :)

I have probably read this about 6 times now and it still makes me cry. Those words just capture the dreams and hopes lost, the comradeship and the horror. I hope he joins too and shares some stories.
 

Panda Termint

Cabal Of One
Me too.

Sneakster said in chat that it made him very sad.

I'd love to hear from some of the other ex-SO guys/girls on how they reacted to it.

Maybe it needs an attention-grabbing headline like, "Hey ex-SO, someone just told part of your story for you!"
 

clamicide

Gold Meritorious Patron
I was never SO, but this just really hit me. I have a son who is SO....I was only on staff, but for some reason so much of it resonated. I'm going to have to read it again later, as I am sure I missed a bunch of it because of the sheer emotional punch. The org I was at used to get praised as being run as close to the SO ideal, but I'm sure it in no way compared...I've been down at PAC when beans and rice was the diet...

I keep thinking of my son, when he got routed out for whatever he was not allowed to talk about because of the crazy shit they sign, and how fricking frail he was...I have NO idea what he went through...but, since he got offloaded, I'm sure it was NOT pretty. I was afraid to hug him too hard...and then finding out he went back in (he had disconnected from me while in the SO, and spent a small amount of time with me when he was "in ethics trouble" and not in the SO). I thought we had more time to save him...damn cult got desperate and grabbed him back. It's probable that he actually got me in trouble with the bastards, as I was no longer a good Scio...but, do I blame him? No... I can't. I KNOW he had doubts as a kid, but he trusted his parents. Life really sucks at times.
 

Petey C

Silver Meritorious Patron
This wonderful, brave poem really resonates with me, as a musician as well as an XSO and exScn. There are some beautiful lines -- poignant, true, striking, powerful. There is much I can identify with, from the irony of more food for the unseasick to the verses about loving intensely, and time served in serfdom. Just brilliant. Come back soon, David.
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
I was never SO, but this just really hit me. I have a son who is SO....I was only on staff, but for some reason so much of it resonated. I'm going to have to read it again later, as I am sure I missed a bunch of it because of the sheer emotional punch. The org I was at used to get praised as being run as close to the SO ideal, but I'm sure it in no way compared...I've been down at PAC when beans and rice was the diet...

I keep thinking of my son, when he got routed out for whatever he was not allowed to talk about because of the crazy shit they sign, and how fricking frail he was...I have NO idea what he went through...but, since he got offloaded, I'm sure it was NOT pretty. I was afraid to hug him too hard...and then finding out he went back in (he had disconnected from me while in the SO, and spent a small amount of time with me when he was "in ethics trouble" and not in the SO). I thought we had more time to save him...damn cult got desperate and grabbed him back. It's probable that he actually got me in trouble with the bastards, as I was no longer a good Scio...but, do I blame him? No... I can't. I KNOW he had doubts as a kid, but he trusted his parents. Life really sucks at times.

I know as parents we do the best we can, I know I did and my parents too.
Unfortunately we and they just didn't know the truth of it. What seemed a high adventure was in actuality a twisted torture, with times of high 'mateship' and a common 'goal' the reason to keep on keeping on.

The values, logic, ideals and morality instilled in generational scientologists are sometimes so dreadfully off kilter, it can take a long time away from it to begin to see that and repair it. All we can do is wait for them to start looking, and be there then. And meantime not beat ourselves up Clammy!
 

Happy Days

Silver Meritorious Patron
As an ex SO and having given two daughters to the SO with one still in.

Reading this poem was bitter sweet and it was brillant, true and scary. It hit directly at something deep in my psyche and it hurt... hard to explain really.

It's only recently that I realised that the SO steals individual's of their youth, it takes the best years of a person and squanders them on an unreal goal of saving the planet.

And then you have the mateship and common purpose that locks the apparent inescapable trap of the SO. No matter how bad it got you were there with your mates doing your thing. And deep down you know something is wrong, but you allow the SO to deny your basic rights and liberties. So then you such off your critical thinking for fear of being thought badly of by your mates and continue to be the slave to your master.

I believe that is the thing my girl has to overcome in order to be free and leave the SO. To know that you have to destroy mateship and leave a pretty big purpose, no matter how ridiculous it is, in order to leave the cult.

Is she strong enough to walk down that gangplank?

Only she would know that and it is she who will need to make that change. In the meantime as a parent I love her unconditionally and wait for that day to come. :bigcry:

Thank you FTS and your brother for sharing :)
 
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