A transformation - Thanks Em and all!


It's now been 12 months since I got on the net, started looking at all this Scn stuff, and found ESMB. Oh my - It's only been a year, but in that time I feel like I've had a lifetime of gain.

I was sad, lonely, lost, and barely surviving mentally and spiritually. I kept up the front, wore my "mum" hat, had a social life, worked, made the most of what I had, etc, but my heart felt sad and dead, and I WASN'T looking forward to my future. My youngest graduated from high school, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had started to face the fact that my three boys had grown up, and that it wouldn't be too long before my two youngest (who were still at home), wouldn't be part of my 'everyday life'.

After 10 years of being "off lines", and doing only just 'ok', I went into a whole new slump - The thought of not having my boys in my 'everyday' life, was something I didn't want. It was the boys who had kept me going for a decade, and pretty well only them who could put a sparkle in my heart. The contemplation of not having that sparkle there anymore, was pretty awful, and I was trying to force myself to try and 'mock up' a future.

After Max's graduation from high school, I found it harder than ever to 'persist'. I got through the summer, and then got stuck into "mest work" around the house, yards and property in a effort to keep my head above water, and of course I kept it all to myself, 'cause just like the ten years prior, I had no-one to talk to about it.

Max called me from Uni one day, asking me about "Anonymous" who had posters up all around his campus. I rang Cyrus (OSA ANZO) for info. He sent me a link of a Scn vid on Anon, I wanted to verify the validity of the data on the Scn vid about Anon, so I googled anonymous, and started finding all this stuff. It was shocking, but a relief at the same time. I tried to speak to Tim (my hubby) about it when I first found this stuff, but that didn't go down too well with him in the beginning, despite the fact that he regarded the 'church' with disdain. Not long after this, I got a call out of the blue from Kevin Mc (Feral). We hadn't spoken in about 4 years or something. We spoke for a couple of hours - He had been on the net looking at this stuff too. It was heartwarming, and again, such a relief!

I had started on the road to 'recovery'. At the same time, I was pissed off with several family members of mine, for not directing me to this info. I had about six family members who had left the 'church' some years prior, but who didn 't share what they knew with me. On the very odd occasion when Scn was mentioned, the communication was along the lines of "LRH is a plagiarist", "I don't believe in Scn anymore, it's fucked, do ya want my old books before I trash them?". I rejected such comments because for one thing it wasn't my reality, and for another, they weren't delivered as part of a conversation, but more as a snipey comment. I also observed their apparent 'delight' when we heard of those instances where the Org was fu'king someone over again. I didn't like their response to such occurrences, and I considered that they were craving for stuff to "make them right" for disconnecting from the CoS. At that time, I still wanted to see the org go in the "right" direction, not the wrong one, and whenever I'd hear about more crap that the org was dishing out, I'd just get sadder and sadder about the whole affair.

Of my extended family who were "in" but had gotten "out", two of them were brothers and we had been close. One of them I had been extremely close to for 40 years - We were only a year apart in age, and he had lived with Tim and I for nine years, and was like a second dad to my kids. The other brother was on staff in Sydney, when he introduced me to Scn. We three, were the only Scientologists out of the seven of us kids, but we had also gotten one of our other brothers daughter and son into Scn, when they came over as young adults from New Zealand. We all had lived in each others pockets and we all knew eachother vey well. They knew what I was passionate about, they knew about my repulsion for the culture within the org, and about my disdain toward DM and RTC. Yet, they just seem to hit me with snipey type comments on LRH and the tech, which clearly I would reject and did reject. They didn't ever sit down with me and say "Hey, get a load of this" or send me links to info on DM and the CofS, which they had seen and passed around between themselves. I think that they knew or should have known (from the numerous conversations between us while we were still all on lines together, and, after we went off lines), that I would have wanted or would have been interested in that info, but maybe they didn't - I don't know. It was info I needed and info that I would have been more than receptive to. If I had been given it or been directed to it, it would have saved much heartache on many fronts.

Sadly, it's now been years since I've had any relations (or relationship) with either of those two brothers and their families, as well as years since I've had any relations with my niece and nephew who now have families of their own. I know that they lurk here on occasion, and I would welcome communication from any of them, whether about this issue, about the weather, or whatever. I still don't know why I was left out of the loop, and why I was ostricised from that part of the family like I was, over what seemed to be a harsh judgement on me because of my allegiance to the tech. God knows my allegiance to and agreement with the CofS, had long gone before I was "cast out" by my family here in Oz.

That aside, I'm the dumbass who didn't really know about or use "google" until a couple of years ago. That's quite embarrassing, but that's how it was. I hated the computer, and I used to get my eldest son to find stuff for me that I needed. I used it for email, typing letters, photos, ebay, banking, trading, and to look up web sites (which I had been given addresses for), but that was about it - I was oblivious to "google", I just used what my eldest son had taught me to use, that I 'needed' to use. I'd be on and off the computer as soon as I was done doing what I needed to do. I had heard there was Xenu type stuff on the net, but I wasn't interested in it and it didn't enter my head that there'd be a wealth of information regarding DM, the CofS, nor a stack of exes who were speaking out. I had no idea that message boards and forums existed, let alone what they were.

I eventually stumbled across google when I needed some info urgently and the boys weren't around. I couldn't get them on the phone. So I thought I'd try it by myself (hoping that I wouldn't make a mistake and crash the computer) and then, voila! :duh: :duh: :duh: But still, I didn't know what was there for the taking, so didn't pursue it particularly. By this time, I'd also pretty well stopped allowing myself to even think about the CofS.

About a year later, and after Max had called me regarding the posters at his campus, and Cyrus had sent me the link to the Scn vid re Anon, I thought "shit, I wonder if this is true", and then "oh, maybe I could find some stuff on Anon if I try the google thing", so I did. Some of you won't believe anybody could be that dumb or ignorant, but believe me, I was. :redface:

I was floundering for days - so much of the info was referring to things I had no idea about, and I was trying to verify some of the stuff I was reading. I kept going and just googled everything and anything I wanted to know about, and I pretty well found it all, as well as ESMB.

I found the Jeff Hawkins story (Counterfeit dreams), and I knew that it would be a good starting point for Tim. After some clever persuasion, he was at his computer reading the story, and he stayed there for hours. It's something I'd never seen him do (he generally has such a 'routine' and NEVER breaks it unless there's a death in the family or something of that magnitude).

Tim and I then talked together about the 'real' stuff and about the issues we'd both been trying to bury in the previous decade. We talked more over the next 48 hours than what we had done in the previous ten years. For a few weeks, I went without sleep and spent about eight hours a day reading anything and everything I could find.

I read just about everything on ESMB - well, maybe not, but an awful lot of it. I wasn't interested in posting on ESMB or any message board, because everybody seemed so confident, some seemed a bit 'hardass', some seemed scathing towards the tech, and because at that time there were only three Aussies (including Emma) posting on ESMB - Believe it or not, I didn't feel like I had permission to 'intrude'. Feral told me that he had joined ESMB, and at the same time, a friend of mine (who has since gone way under the radar) said "let's do it". I wasn't interested until I read a post/request for data, that hadn't been responded to, so I decided I would join, just so I could post that one response. :giggle:

I was 'fearful' of posting. I half pie expected a "what the hell would you know, we don't know you, who are you and why should we believe you" and maybe even a "f'ck off" type of response, because I was kind of correcting some bum info about a mission in ANZO.

Well of course, I didn't get that response, but I still felt like a bit of a goose, 'cause I didn't really know anyone (except Feral), and because there were next to no ANZO-ites posting back then - I had this crazy idea that maybe ANZO-ites weren't that welcome. :duh: On top of that there were a few 'flame wars' happening on ESMB soon after I first posted, and I "backed off" from posting. I nearly 'walked away' from ESMB. I had already struck up a friendship with Tansy though - He encouraged me to hang in there and encouraged me to post (among other things). The rest is pretty well history, and I've more than covered it previously, but geez, I've come a long way since then - ESMB therapy has been a God send, and to think I nearly threw it away, after I found it. :eyeroll:

- I now have the best friendships and support that I've ever had.

- I have a far healthier mind set, and very few or only minor regrets that play on my mind on occasion.

- I have lots of sparkles in my heart now, and I'm wanting to go foward to what I can have, rather than go back to what I did have.

- I don't feel embroiled in anything, or in constant 'battle' with myself or others.

- I've opened up and cleaned out many of the boxes full of mental baggage which was holding me back and causing me anguish.

- I have things in my life that I want to change, but now I'm into changing them, instead of denying them or 'wishing'/'wanting' them to go away.

- I'm thankful for my past, but just so grateful and thankful for, and so looking forward to, my 'future' which I feel I have been 'given' back.

This whole 'recovery' thing, is an interesting one. I don't believe that it's a finite thing particularly. There is no end to what one can clean up, and to what one can discover it seems. It's not like it's a "ya didn't get it, but now ya do" type thing - It's ongoing. The more ya look, then the more the penny can or will drop. Understanding it all, and finding the truths to it all is a wonderful thing, but it seems that there are never ending levels to those truths. Ya can have a reality and/or certainty on something, and not waiver from it, but at the same time ya can have 'shifts' in relation to the level of reality and/or certainty.

I'm at the stage now, where I feel like looking at other things and other areas (I didn't feel like it before). However, at this time I can't see myself ever giving up on looking at this area of the 'Scn package' or the 'Scn experience' - I can only see benefit from doing so.

Up until twelve months ago, I was very unhappy and I didn't think I could ever be happy again. I'm more than happy now, and have a peace of mind that I would have thought impossible. I had no idea of what a hole I had gotten myself into, until I got out of it. I had gotten so used to life being "black", that I had forgotten what it could be like when it was "white" - I know that I can and will certainly go forward from here, and that where I am now is kind of just the beginning.

Shit oh dear! - This sounds a bit like a PR'y type of Scn success story. :giggle: For the record, it's not! :no: It's just a snippet of part of a story, and it's a THANK YOU with lots of kisses and love to Em, my friends here, and ALL those who have put the word out - The activity from the 'critics', the data, the support, and the friendship has truly helped me save my life, and given me a new one. :)

Just too mushy for some of you blokes? Puke material? Well, too bloody bad, go ahead and puke! :p - I'm feeling mushy these days, "love youse all", and wanna tell ya, so there ya go! :D :coolwink:

Who would have thought? Life after Scientology? - GRAND, GRAND, GRAND!!! :buzzin:


Genuine Meatball
Wonderful post Carmel! :) - Nope.. Doesn't read like a darned cult success story.. Those sounded contrieved, fake and was cringeworthy to the effect of causing a sudden sprain in the backside! - Your post has none of that..
<snip> This whole 'recovery' thing, is an interesting one. I don't believe that it's a finite thing particularly. There is no end to what one can clean up, and to what one can discover it seems. It's not like it's a "ya didn't get it, but now ya do" type thing - It's ongoing. The more ya look, then the more the penny can or will drop. Understanding it all, and finding the truths to it all is a wonderful thing, but it seems that there are never ending levels to those truths. Ya can have a reality and/or certainty on something, and not waiver from it, but at the same time ya can have 'shifts' in relation to the level of reality and/or certainty. </snip>
There's this curious cognitive dissonance: Here you describe to a tee what I (and everyone?) expected from Study Tech! - Making damn sure you looked up words and understood. Watching yourself for a set of symptoms to find misunderstoods.. Never let one go by.. Feeling 'spiritually' that you understood and could apply the 'data'..


Something amiss with that.. Look where it got us!

The difference is of course 'authority'.. When we read stuff on the net, we don't expect the writer to be any authority, let alone an obese god. We employ a healthy dollop of doubt and skeptism.

Doubt and skeptism is a sure sign of a working mind! - Splurge on it! <-(that is a Hubbard quote. I find it hilarious.. I may still have an MU on it?)


Panda Termint

Cabal Of One
Dearest Carmel,
That doesn't sound like any scientology PR success story to me!
It sounds much more like a wonderful person sharing some heartfelt sentiments.
Thanks for posting this and congratulations on a great year! :)
Love, Panda

Mrs Pattycake

Patron with Honors
Carmel, I am so glad that you now have a bright future - you deserve it !
I am also so glad that you are here with us and our other friends in our new free world. Its been great to have your support during our first year OUT.


Con te partirò

You made me smile & cry at the same time.

How did you do that?

I'm sooo happy for you.



Silver Meritorious Patron


Life sure is GRANDer after Scientology.:omg:

The critic comunity is lucky to have you on board,:yes:



Indeed a Transformation!

Dear Carmel,

It is wonderful to read, share and be a party to your wins; and wonderful to see you having recovered more and more of your position of cause in your life.

Your contributions to this board have helped many! And you deserve honor and appreciation for that.

Keep winning, you deserve it!



Rogue male
Great story Carmy,

I'm glad that ESMB has been so helpful to you too. It has also been a great healing place for me.

The main thing I got was it wasn't ME that was substandard because I didn't make staff work or maintain exterior with perception after the OT levels or that we weren't able to fix my daughters brain injury with the tech.

It has been a shock to learn of the depth of Scientologies betrayal, but it has been a huge relief to find it was in fact Scientology and not 'me' that was so faulty.

As I read peoples stories layers of confusion peeled off me I recovered the 'me' that was under the synthetic and damaged Scientology identity. Life got better.

I want others to have similar gains.


Gold Meritorious Patron
I was 'fearful' of posting. I half pie expected a "what the hell would you know, we don't know you, who are you and why should we believe you" and maybe even a "f'ck off" type of response, because I was kind of correcting some bum info about a mission in ANZO.


I'm glad you're happy, recovered/recovering and I'm chuffed to have met you.

I felt the same way as you when I first started posting. Now could you please speak English? What the hell is half pie?

I'm kidding, I think I have an Aussie slang dictionary around here somewhere. http://www.aussieslang.com/Search/qsearch.asp Thanks Google.

Luv ya

EP - Ethics Particle

Gold Meritorious Patron

Hmmm...interesting that Carmel and I, though continents apart, joined ESMB almost the same day. :unsure: :yes:

And approx 2.5K posts each...well...here we are!:happydance: :thumbsup:

Love ya Babe!:yes::heartbeat: :arose:

Plus a HUGE "ack" to what you've said and done - all of it! :clap:


Tiger Lily

Gold Meritorious Patron
Carmel that was an awesome post! In so many ways you were describing me, the no hope/just plod along scenario. . . and my kids are about to leave home and I can't even stand the thought of not having them around because, like you, they are my source of joy. I hung around for about 10 years too, inactive but loyal to Scn; until I found the Internet.

I can understand your frustration with family not "clueing you in" to what they knew. . . that indoctrination runs so deep; it's a very scary thing to be an SP.:eyeroll:

I am so glad that you have sparkles in your heart again (I love that phrase btw). Thanks for that "snippet of a story"! It helped me a bunch!

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Kathy (ImOut)

Gold Meritorious Patron
What an awesome post, Carmel. That was very touching, moving, enlightening.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Thanks for writing that Carmel, we have a somewhat similar story. :)

Scientology tells you it is peeling the onion, and in reality they add onion layers. It is after you leave that the layers come off, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but always with relief.


Gold Meritorious Patron
Carmel - I love this post! :love8: Thank you so much for sharing. I too have found recovery in this message board and its posts like yours that help. Don’t be embarrassed – I was fully aware of google and still never searched until the last year…..

BTW – and speaking of being behind technically - I tried to get on skype w/ my BF laptop which has a camera in it – couldn’t see the person or hear them I feel so lame. I think I am going to call BFG and possibly meet up w/ him and/or Magoo since they are in my general neighborhood. If you are ever, ever in L.A., please let me know – I would love to buy you a cup of coffee and have a nice chat in person!

And please keep posting – you help more than you could know. :heartflower: