Anonangl is now Quietheart

quietheart

Patron Meritorious
Hello QH, ooooh, I would love to come to the tea party too! I have always wanted to go to one. I have an Indian name also. It's Compass-in-nose because my friend discovered my unusual talent of not getting lost. I love maps! I aptly named her Flirts-with-waiters for obvious reasons.

I'll tell you something about me. I'm a real people person, but close friendships can be hard for me. If I'm near someone, we are good friends, but if one of us moves away or I just don't run into them anymore then the friendship goes away. You see, I felt so close to people when I was in scientology. Now friendships just don't seem that close by comparison. And I've been out for over 20 years! Of course, if they were REALLY friends, they wouldn't have disconnected from me.

I have always felt that there was a part of me that nobody could relate. It was the scientology part of my past. People just don't get it and an ex is often judged for being gullible or crazy by people like that.

But ESMB is really helping me open up with this part of me. The people here get it and understand. I don't even have to explain, they already know. And members of anonymous get it. It takes a lot of studying to even begin to understand scientology. Most of anon is people who were never personally involved, but they chose to get involved because it's the right thing to do. That just blows me away that someone is willing to take on this fight with this dangerous cult when so many have turned away over so many decades. An ex like myself has a bone to pick because of what we endured and witnessed. I have personally been haunted by nightmares since I blew the Sea Org over 20 years ago and I was only there for 1 year! But I don't have bad dreams about scientology anymore since I got involved with anonymous and ESMB.

I'm glad that you are here and I'm glad that I am here too!:heartflower:

You are so lucky Mom, I get lost turning around in the closet, :lol:. I love maps too, they keep me from getting lost as easily but not completely. I'm lucky that my daughters act as co-pilots, :lol:. I love the Indian names, they are soooo cute.

That's really interesting, I have problems maintaining long-distance friendships too, although I have no idea why. I just can't seem to stay close to people, even family. Maybe I'll get better at it, I'm sure trying to. I know you must have felt very betrayed by your friends disconnecting from you, that has to be a really tough thing to deal with.

I would never judge someone who's been involved in Scientology as crazy or gullible, everyone got involved for their own reasons, many because they wanted to improve their lives or improve the world. To me those are very good reasons. It's true, some of us may never understand, we weren't in your shoes. I honestly feel I can relate to y'all about certain things, and I think it helps me to understand when I read peoples stories. I was judged a lot growing up so I try really hard not to be judgmental. My Great-Grandpa always told me to treat others as I'd like to be treated, he was truly a great person and a huge influence on me.

I'm really glad ESMB is such a help for you and all the ex's, I feel very privileged to be allowed to be a part of this community. I was telling Pixie and Sally that people here seem to understand me better than anywhere else I've been also. It does take a LOT of studying, and we're all learning more every day, I guess it's a good thing I love learning, :lol:. I think I probably would have become involved a few years ago when I had my little brush with the church, but it was just too scary back then, this movement has really changed that. Of course it also helps that I live near a pretty much dead little mission instead of in Florida where I lived before. I know how bad nightmares can be, mine may have been different but I totally understand how badly they can affect you. I'm so glad your nightmares have went away, now you can get some very much deserved peaceful sleep :happydance:.

I'm so glad we're all here too, this is such a great place to heal, learn, and :party:
:grouphug:


Anonmom,
You are very welcome to the Mad Ex's Tea Party.

I think we will redefine elegance and debauchery all in the same breath. I do both quite well when I put my mind to it. :)

Sally,
:roflmao: I bet we could. I found the perfect table for our tea party too: :gathering: , what ya think, will it work?
Esther
 

anonmom

Patron with Honors
You are so lucky Mom, I get lost turning around in the closet, :lol:. I love maps too, they keep me from getting lost as easily but not completely. I'm lucky that my daughters act as co-pilots, :lol:. I love the Indian names, they are soooo cute.

That's really interesting, I have problems maintaining long-distance friendships too, although I have no idea why. I just can't seem to stay close to people, even family. Maybe I'll get better at it, I'm sure trying to. I know you must have felt very betrayed by your friends disconnecting from you, that has to be a really tough thing to deal with.

I would never judge someone who's been involved in Scientology as crazy or gullible, everyone got involved for their own reasons, many because they wanted to improve their lives or improve the world. To me those are very good reasons. It's true, some of us may never understand, we weren't in your shoes. I honestly feel I can relate to y'all about certain things, and I think it helps me to understand when I read peoples stories. I was judged a lot growing up so I try really hard not to be judgmental. My Great-Grandpa always told me to treat others as I'd like to be treated, he was truly a great person and a huge influence on me.

I'm really glad ESMB is such a help for you and all the ex's, I feel very privileged to be allowed to be a part of this community. I was telling Pixie and Sally that people here seem to understand me better than anywhere else I've been also. It does take a LOT of studying, and we're all learning more every day, I guess it's a good thing I love learning, :lol:. I think I probably would have become involved a few years ago when I had my little brush with the church, but it was just too scary back then, this movement has really changed that. Of course it also helps that I live near a pretty much dead little mission instead of in Florida where I lived before. I know how bad nightmares can be, mine may have been different but I totally understand how badly they can affect you. I'm so glad your nightmares have went away, now you can get some very much deserved peaceful sleep :happydance:.

I'm so glad we're all here too, this is such a great place to heal, learn, and :party:
:grouphug:



Sally,
:roflmao: I bet we could. I found the perfect table for our tea party too: :gathering: , what ya think, will it work?
Esther

How I would describe what it's like when you get out of scientology....I didn't feel betrayed by my friends. I felt like I betrayed them. You feel really really scared and freaked out but at the same time punch-drunk on freedom. Like this;
:shark: :scared: :runaround: :bug: :fly2: :woohoo: :buzzin:

But, believe me, it's all better than still being in scientology!
 

quietheart

Patron Meritorious
That actually makes a lot of sense to me. When I left home at 16 I had to leave my younger siblings behind (very long story that I haven't gotten to yet in my blog), I felt I'd betrayed them even though I had no choice, but at the same time the feeling of freedom and the massive amount of stress that was gone was overwhelming. Of course I was also constantly "lookin over my shoulder", but it really was worth it for me. I guess I hadn't really thought about it in this way before I posted. Thanx for explaining I really do appreciate it.
Esther
 

Pixie

Crusader
Hello QH, ooooh, I would love to come to the tea party too! I have always wanted to go to one. I have an Indian name also. It's Compass-in-nose because my friend discovered my unusual talent of not getting lost. I love maps! I aptly named her Flirts-with-waiters for obvious reasons.

I'll tell you something about me. I'm a real people person, but close friendships can be hard for me. If I'm near someone, we are good friends, but if one of us moves away or I just don't run into them anymore then the friendship goes away. You see, I felt so close to people when I was in scientology. Now friendships just don't seem that close by comparison. And I've been out for over 20 years! Of course, if they were REALLY friends, they wouldn't have disconnected from me.

I have always felt that there was a part of me that nobody could relate. It was the scientology part of my past. People just don't get it and an ex is often judged for being gullible or crazy by people like that.

But ESMB is really helping me open up with this part of me. The people here get it and understand. I don't even have to explain, they already know. And members of anonymous get it. It takes a lot of studying to even begin to understand scientology. Most of anon is people who were never personally involved, but they chose to get involved because it's the right thing to do. That just blows me away that someone is willing to take on this fight with this dangerous cult when so many have turned away over so many decades. An ex like myself has a bone to pick because of what we endured and witnessed. I have personally been haunted by nightmares since I blew the Sea Org over 20 years ago and I was only there for 1 year! But I don't have bad dreams about scientology anymore since I got involved with anonymous and ESMB.

I'm glad that you are here and I'm glad that I am here too!:heartflower:

Anonmom you are more than welcome to join us at the 'mad hatters tea party'!! I understand completely and totally what you're saying here about friendships because I am exactly the same since leaving the cult. I am lucky in that I have six close friends whom I've known since childhood and we share everything - but not my time in the cult. Now, like you, if I meet and new friend and they are close by then fine, but if they move, or I haven't seen them for a while, I just cut myslef off and shut down.

I think it's the betrayel we experienced in the cult, people you'd have laid down your life for, standing there doing nothing while you're froggmarched out of the org for no reason, people who were your friends for ten years can turn their back on you in an instant, that's bound to leave deep scars. Even in relationships now, there is no trust, and in the back of the mind it's like you're just waiting for the betrayel, waiting to be dumpled, waiting to be 'let go'. And yes, I feel closer to people here exactly because they are exes, and like you said, there are unwritten rules, you just know, and they just know, and there's no 'explanations' needed, and there is a deep love and a profound respect because you know they've been where you've been.

One can never ever really explain to someone who has no experience of scientology what it was or what you went through, for a start, there's all the scientologeeeze.. :duh: You can never explain the pain, the heart ache, the horror of what you've seen heard or experienced. So unless someone is either on this board or is an ex, it's impossible to have a close deep friendship or relationship with anyone in my view. Now this may change in time, but this is how I feel at the moment and I just wanted to let you know that I get where you're coming from.

Now.. Compas-in-nose.. :roflmao: I'm looking for an Indian name too, so I guess I'm going to have to hunt down some Indians and let them.. get to know me better. :D
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
You know Pixie this makes so much sense to me. There is this part of me that stays "over there" with everyone that touches my life. I can't fully open up or help them know me deeply. I want to but it all seems so futile trying to explain to someone who knows nothing about scientology. So there is this part of me that remains locked away from the world and is only seen here on ESMB or when I speak to the few ex's I do speak to from time to time.

I find that really sad because it means my life is a tiny bit of lie in some strange way. I want to find a way to deal with this because I fully intend my life to be rich and meaningful and that includes having wonderful friendships. I have no answers yet - another thing to work on.

People notice it with me. Like there is something mysterious about me. Some people like it and find it a challenge to try and get through this outer shell. Others people just find me aloof and snotty & walk away type thing.

I can't exactly rock on in with "Hi, I was in a cult for 20 yrs so have this odd view of the world sometimes. Bear with me though, I'll try and be a good friend."

This has been messing with my head & I didn't even know it. Wow.
 

Pixie

Crusader
You know Pixie this makes so much sense to me. There is this part of me that stays "over there" with everyone that touches my life. I can't fully open up or help them know me deeply. I want to but it all seems so futile trying to explain to someone who knows nothing about scientology. So there is this part of me that remains locked away from the world and is only seen here on ESMB or when I speak to the few ex's I do speak to from time to time.

I find that really sad because it means my life is a tiny bit of lie in some strange way. I want to find a way to deal with this because I fully intend my life to be rich and meaningful and that includes having wonderful friendships. I have no answers yet - another thing to work on.

People notice it with me. Like there is something mysterious about me. Some people like it and find it a challenge to try and get through this outer shell. Others people just find me aloof and snotty & walk away type thing.

I can't exactly rock on in with "Hi, I was in a cult for 20 yrs so have this odd view of the world sometimes. Bear with me though, I'll try and be a good friend."

This has been messing with my head & I didn't even know it. Wow.

Yep, I get this all the time, 'she's a snob', gee whiz, if they only knew, I have the confidence of a nat! It's impossible to open up to a very close degree, well not so much open up, I do, I'm actually very open and warm and giving when I make new friends, but it was what anonmom said about being able to 'cut yourself off', and like you say about keeping a part of you hidden. Yes, it's maddness isn't it, and I wish I knew what to do too but I don't. As I said, I feel more connected to the people on this board, I am more myself here than anywhere else including my own e-mails, figure that one out! :eyeroll: You were twenty years in, I was twenty years in, perhaps it's just going to take us more time Sallydannce, I can only go by the progress I've made in a few short months here, so we're just going to have to be patient with ourselves. :hug:
 

Pixie

Crusader
I just had to send you three a :bighug: , yes I'm very much a huggy person irl 2, lol.
Esther

Thanks for that. I used to be very huggy and tactile before I got into the cult, however being brought up a Brit, these were perhaps more dignified hugs. (whatever that means!)

However since coming here to Spain, I have learned, from the women in particular, to hug and touch again. I remember the first friend I made here, came to my house for 'tea', and while she was talking, put her hand on my knee. :omg: I froze, can you imagine!

I began to shake, I barely knew this girl. This happened a few times, then I met another Spanish girl, and she did the same, was always touching my arm or my leg and hugging me.. anyway I can give you a thousand examples here, but what I'm saying is, that here in Spain, they are the most tactile people I've ever met, and after two and a half years, I realize that everyone does it, men to men, men to women, women to women, and there is nothing thought of it, it's all completely natural.

They kiss and hug when they meet you as well as when you leave, even if you see them every day, it's wonderful, and has taught me to come out of that touching another human weirdness I learned while living in the UK.

Another thing I've noticed is that I have never ever once witnessed a child having a hissy fit in a supermarket, or anywhere else for that matter. Perhaps it's the constant hugging and touching that keeps them calm.

Touching is natural, it doesn't mean anyone fancies you or that you fancy them, I've learned that it's a perfectly natural and healthy way to communicate along with words. :yes: :hug: :kiss: :dance2: :handinhand: :grouphug:
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks for that. I used to be very huggy and tactile before I got into the cult, however being brought up a Brit, these were perhaps more dignified hugs. (whatever that means!)

However since coming here to Spain, I have learned, from the women in particular, to hug and touch again. I remember the first friend I made here, came to my house for 'tea', and while she was talking, put her hand on my knee. :omg: I froze, can you imagine! ....

Touching is natural, it doesn't mean anyone fancies you or that you fancy them, I've learned that it's a perfectly natural and healthy way to communicate along with words. :yes: :hug: :kiss: :dance2: :handinhand: :grouphug:

Man I would LOVE Spain! I am a very tactile person. When I buy clothes its all about the feel. When I go to someone's house, I'm the crazy lady touching all the soft furnishings and stroking the table. Man I get some strange looks!

I have zero thoughts about walking down the road arm in arm with a chum - male or female. I always hug people when I greet them. I will fiddle with your hair if you will let me. I don't have a clue why but I feel my way through life. Put me in a fabric shop and it's insane! :D
 

Pixie

Crusader
Man I would LOVE Spain! I am a very tactile person. When I buy clothes its all about the feel. When I go to someone's house, I'm the crazy lady touching all the soft furnishings and stroking the table. Man I get some strange looks!

I have zero thoughts about walking down the road arm in arm with a chum - male or female. I always hug people when I greet them. I will fiddle with your hair if you will let me. I don't have a clue why but I feel my way through life. Put me in a fabric shop and it's insane! :D

:omg: I LOVE people fiddling with my long silky Pixie locks!! :D Well you can come to Spain anytime you like and fiddle with my locks, my furnishing, my curtains, whatever you like!! :happydance:
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
:omg: I LOVE people fiddling with my long silky Pixie locks!! :D Well you can come to Spain anytime you like and fiddle with my locks, my furnishing, my curtains, whatever you like!! :happydance:

God it sounds like heaven! London for tea & a London Anon picket. Then to Spain for heaps of hugs, soft furnishings to stroke & of course your Pixie locks! Pixie if you could arrange for the villagers to line up in some sort of a semi-orderly fashion to participate in a hug-of-greeting sort of an affair, I'd muchly appreciate. :happydance:
 

Pixie

Crusader
God it sounds like heaven! London for tea & a London Anon picket. Then to Spain for heaps of hugs, soft furnishings to stroke & of course your Pixie locks! Pixie if you could arrange for the villagers to line up in some sort of a semi-orderly fashion to participate in a hug-of-greeting sort of an affair, I'd muchly appreciate. :happydance:

The villagers will do that anyway!! They love 'strangers' here and make them very welcome, and probably hand you a bag of lemons as this is what they do (to keep the mozzies off you!) But sure, I'll let them know there will be some VIP's attending and for sure they'll all be sitting outside their houses waiting for your arrival! :thumbsup:
 

quietheart

Patron Meritorious
I think for me it's because I wasn't shown a lot of affection growing up, my Dad's side of the family just weren't affectionate. Needless to say my kiddos get lots of hugs and kisses. My few close friends also get lots of hugs and a peck on the cheek. For me it's just really important to let those I care about know I love them. Boy, talking to y'all I'm coming to a LOT of realizations about myself :happydance: .
Esther
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
The villagers will do that anyway!! They love 'strangers' here and make them very welcome, and probably hand you a bag of lemons as this is what they do (to keep the mozzies off you!) But sure, I'll let them know there will be some VIP's attending and for sure they'll all be sitting outside their houses waiting for your arrival! :thumbsup:

Fuck this just gets better & better. I LOVE the smell of lemons! :happydance:
 

quietheart

Patron Meritorious
Ya know, if I ever make it over there I'd HAVE to visit Ireland and Germany too, and France if I had time, my ancestors or mostly German and Irish :happydance: .
Esther
 

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
:omg: I LOVE people fiddling with my long silky Pixie locks!! :D Well you can come to Spain anytime you like and fiddle with my locks, my furnishing, my curtains, whatever you like!! :happydance:

Fiddle with whatever I like? I'd pick your locks, let there be no doubt.
 
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