Anonangl is now Quietheart

[quietheart]

Hi everyone. Over the last several months I've been working on a lot of personal issues related childhood abuse. When I was growing up, and we went out in public or had family or friends over, we had to "wear a mask" and pretend we were happy. I've worn masks most of my life and I feel I owe it to myself to take it off and really be me. I've started working on my story, I'm posting it on blogger link is in my sig., and mostly I'm just not afraid anymore. In my story I am still leaving out some identifying information to protect those I love who could be hurt, not by CoS, but by me being brutally truthful. I liked my angl name, but felt it wasn't really truthful. Not that I was lying, but the name felt like a lie, I'm not an angel I'm human. Not sure if that'll make sense to anyone else, but it's how I feel. I've made several friends and I want them and everyone else to know me and not some partial version of me. Thank you Emma for helping me to continue to grow and heal.
Esther

 

[Pixie]

Hi everyone. Over the last several months I've been working on a lot of personal issues related childhood abuse. When I was growing up, and we went out in public or had family or friends over, we had to "wear a mask" and pretend we were happy. I've worn masks most of my life and I feel I owe it to myself to take it off and really be me. I've started working on my story, I'm posting it on blogger link is in my sig., and mostly I'm just not afraid anymore. In my story I am still leaving out some identifying information to protect those I love who could be hurt, not by CoS, but by me being brutally truthful. I liked my angl name, but felt it wasn't really truthful. Not that I was lying, but the name felt like a lie, I'm not an angel I'm human. Not sure if that'll make sense to anyone else, but it's how I feel. I've made several friends and I want them and everyone else to know me and not some partial version of me. Thank you Emma for helping me to continue to grow and heal.
Esther

Hello Quietheart!! Welcome to the forum!! You can see this as a fresh start and a new beginning, this is great and I love your new name. I've not had a chance to read your blog yet but for sure I will very soon. I am so happy that you are not afraid anymore, there is nothing more sickening that fear, I undestand this and have had it all my life but now I'm learning too to let that go too but I know, it's not easy.

I do understand what you mean about wearing a mask. My 'mask' use to be make up, it's still a form of shame and hiding or pretending in some way, for me anyway. I think I wrote about it before, I went to a shopping centre just a couple of weeks ago without make up and for the first time in I can't even remember how long, probably since I was a child, felt like 'one of the crowd', felt normal, felt human.

I wish you very well in your progress Quietheart and look forward to reading your blog and more of your posts.

 

[quietheart]

Thank you so much Pixie, in just a short time I feel we have become friends and I value your opinion .
I personally hate wearing make-up, it makes me break out . I only wear it if I'm going to a super nice restaurant or something, otherwise I go au natural . I had to wear it all the time a few years ago, ick. My girls both enjoy wearing it sometimes, of course I've taught them to wear it lightly and only use it to accentuate their cheekbones and eyes . I'm glad to see you're learning to be comfortable simply being you, a lot of women feel they don't "fit in" if they're not wearing makeup. Personally I think there's too much focus on outward appearances and not enough on who people really are.
There's no rush on getting to my blog, I know everyone is busy with life, besides I'm only up to Kindergarten, . It's getting harder as I get older in the bog, but I know it will be healing in the end. I'm not expecting miracles, just maybe a bit less confusion and anger . Quietheart was a name given to me at YMCA camp; it's my "Indian name" they gave for completing wilderness training. The first part, Quiet, was because I was quiet but when I did speak the other would listen. Heart was because I was kind and helpful to others. I try to live up to that name . It's always been special to me, I'm glad you like it . I know some may think it's silly because it's not a true Indian name, but usually when I explain they think it's cool .
Anyways, back to my blog since I can't sleep again, lol.
Esther

 

[Pixie]

Thank you so much Pixie, in just a short time I feel we have become friends and I value your opinion .
I personally hate wearing make-up, it makes me break out . I only wear it if I'm going to a super nice restaurant or something, otherwise I go au natural . I had to wear it all the time a few years ago, ick. My girls both enjoy wearing it sometimes, of course I've taught them to wear it lightly and only use it to accentuate their cheekbones and eyes . I'm glad to see you're learning to be comfortable simply being you, a lot of women feel they don't "fit in" if they're not wearing makeup. Personally I think there's too much focus on outward appearances and not enough on who people really are.
There's no rush on getting to my blog, I know everyone is busy with life, besides I'm only up to Kindergarten, . It's getting harder as I get older in the bog, but I know it will be healing in the end. I'm not expecting miracles, just maybe a bit less confusion and anger . Quietheart was a name given to me at YMCA camp; it's my "Indian name" they gave for completing wilderness training. The first part, Quiet, was because I was quiet but when I did speak the other would listen. Heart was because I was kind and helpful to others. I try to live up to that name . It's always been special to me, I'm glad you like it . I know some may think it's silly because it's not a true Indian name, but usually when I explain they think it's cool .
Anyways, back to my blog since I can't sleep again, lol.
Esther

Yes we are firm friends Quiet heart for sure. And I love your new name so much!! It is an Indian name, I've heard of lots of similar names, one name I liked was 'Dull Knife', a guy I knew years ago went to America and this was the name they gave him. I'd love to be given a name like that and would love to meet the Indians. Don't worry what anyone thinks or doesn't think about it, that's a waste of energy. What do you care whether they like it or not, YOU like it and that's what counts!

I can imagine how hard it is to write your blog and for sure I think you are so very very brave. I think there's a story in all of us, of course some more traumatic than others. I've often thought about writing my story in bookform about my childhood, but then I think to myself why go back there you know, so much pain, mental torture, anguish, do I really want to relive that, do I really have the time? But for sure when you can write it you can compartmentalize it and then hopefully let it go so I'm sure it's a very threaraputic thing to do.

Anyway you keep doing well and loving yourself more each day, I feel this is a new leaf for you and your name is very very beautiful.

 

[quietheart]

Thanks Pixie . Part of me writing is to remember the good things too, I have so many missing pieces, but it seems I'm remembering more as I write. The bad stuff has always been there, but I lost so much of the good stuff. I've also thought about writing a book for about the past 16 years. Not wanting to hurt certain members in my family has always stopped me. I might turn it into a book someday, but that's distant in the future .
I wish I could say my name was actually given by Indians, but it wasn't, I still love it though. You're so right about worrying about what others think, I'm working on not worrying about it but it's hard when that's how your thoughts have always been. I have been fortunate to meet many Native Americans, I loved the pow-wow that was held every year near where I grew up. I loved watching their dances and their jewelry and ritual clothes are amazingly beautiful. If I'm able to make a trip home around pow-wow time I'll make sure to take lots of pictures and post em for you .
Esther

 

[Pixie]

Thanks Pixie . Part of me writing is to remember the good things too, I have so many missing pieces, but it seems I'm remembering more as I write. The bad stuff has always been there, but I lost so much of the good stuff. I've also thought about writing a book for about the past 16 years. Not wanting to hurt certain members in my family has always stopped me. I might turn it into a book someday, but that's distant in the future .
I wish I could say my name was actually given by Indians, but it wasn't, I still love it though. You're so right about worrying about what others think, I'm working on not worrying about it but it's hard when that's how your thoughts have always been. I have been fortunate to meet many Native Americans, I loved the pow-wow that was held every year near where I grew up. I loved watching their dances and their jewelry and ritual clothes are amazingly beautiful. If I'm able to make a trip home around pow-wow time I'll make sure to take lots of pictures and post em for you .
Esther

Thank you!! I'd love that, they are very spiritual people and they respect nature and animals and I love that. You are lucky to have met some of them. I have to rush off here but I'll tell you a short story when I get back.

 

[quietheart]

Those I've met are very spiritual indeed, I've studied a little bit of Native American religion as well as many other Earth based religions. I'm currently studying druidism.
Go do what you need to, can't wait to hear your story .
Esther

 

[sallydannce]

Quietheart - beautiful name. Thanks for sharing your blog. I will go read it when I have a quiet moment.

You go girl. You are terrific!

 

[quietheart]

Thanks Sally, you're pretty terrific too . No rush on the blog, it's still a work in progress anyways
Esther

 

[Pixie]

Ok, you just reminded me of something I'd forgotten about Indians. I used to be a Reiki healer, I talked about it on Tansy's thread, anyway, on the third day of my Reiki 1, we were all doing a little meditation. Now I didn't know what to expect, I knew little about anything at the time and we weren't told that anything would happen during the meditation just that the healing energy would be 'integrating' somehow. So, I'm sitting there, none too happy as the teacher wasn't very nice to any of us so as my mind began to wander I opened my eyes just to stay focused and I 'saw' an American Indian walking towards me.

This is the truth, and I cannot explain any of this to this day, but I froze and just watched him as he reached into his pocket and took out a small brown suede pouch, placed what looked like some kind of crystals and other bits and bobs inside and handed it to me.. He was so beautiful, his dress was traditional, feather in his long black hair and he smiled at me like an angel.. then he disappeared! Now everyone else in the class were sitting with their eyes shut and soft music was in the background, my eyes were wide open. I did get a fright, a big fright, but there was a calm across my heart I'd not felt before. I did put my hand out to take the pouch from him and I got so scared at that point that I closed my eyes for a second just as I was reaching out and when I opened them again a second or two later, he became fuzzy very quickly and then he was gone.

I've had some strange experiences with Vortex Healing too that I cannot even talk about never mind explain, but of course I do wonder about these things to this day. There is for sure more going on that meets the eye here in this world I guess, but that was the first time I saw anything solid with my own two eyes.

 

[FinallyMe]

Welcome QuietHeart

I thought a welcome is in order because you're exposing more of yourself and you should know we're all proud of you for doing that. I don't know if I'll be able to read your blog because of personal issues, but I must say I absolutely cannot imagine what it would be like to be abused as a child! When it happens as an adult, at least you have some basis for deciding right from wrong, but a child has no experience, no frame of reference, no way to know this is wrong. I hope that your Indian name actually "rubs off" so that you do, indeed, have a quiet heart. And you're walking under your own steam to get away from the effects of what you went through - that is a giant step that many people never take. GOOD FOR YOU! You have a whole bunch of people cheering for you!

 

[quietheart]

Wow Pixie, that is an amazing story, very beautiful. I've had some experiences with the paranormal so your story doesn't surprise me really. Reiki is something I've wanted to learn more about, but always put on the "back burner". You have peeked my interest so maybe I'll get a chance to check into some more while my kiddos are away this month. Sorry I fell asleep while you were gone, it was a neat story to wake up to.
Patte,
Thanks for the welcome. I totally understand about personal issues, that's part of why I listed it for adult readers only. I don't ever want to cause others any pain and i know parts of my story would be "triggering" for some people, and just plain to "heavy" for others. I think I always knew there were things wrong in my family, but your right, it's very difficult to deal with as a child. Heck, it's still difficult to resolve some things even now. I was lucky, my Dad had a nervous breakdown when I was in my early 20's and finally received the help he needed for so long. He's a great Dad and Grandpa now and we've put to rest a lot of things in that area. I'm not making excuses for him, but I do understand that his past influenced how he parented, and the abuse goes back several generations. I know me and my siblings didn't go though as much as he did or his Dad and Mom. I try really hard to be the best Mom I can, I think that's the biggest thing I took away from my childhood. I can honestly say I've only lost control once, and that was very breifly, with my oldest daughter and never with my other 2 children. My children know about my childhood, they also know from their own actions that they will always have to keep a tight reign on their own tempers. I think we have broken the cycle and am working hard to make sure our success in that area continues. Thank you so much for the well wishes, you are all part of why I'm able to take these steps. I know I have people here I can lean on when I need to and that means so very much to me. I hope I'm able to return the favor whenever needed.

Esther

 

[Pixie]

Wow Pixie, that is an amazing story, very beautiful. I've had some experiences with the paranormal so your story doesn't surprise me really. Reiki is something I've wanted to learn more about, but always put on the "back burner". You have peeked my interest so maybe I'll get a chance to check into some more while my kiddos are away this month. Sorry I fell asleep while you were gone, it was a neat story to wake up to.
Patte,
Thanks for the welcome. I totally understand about personal issues, that's part of why I listed it for adult readers only. I don't ever want to cause others any pain and i know parts of my story would be "triggering" for some people, and just plain to "heavy" for others. I think I always knew there were things wrong in my family, but your right, it's very difficult to deal with as a child. Heck, it's still difficult to resolve some things even now. I was lucky, my Dad had a nervous breakdown when I was in my early 20's and finally received the help he needed for so long. He's a great Dad and Grandpa now and we've put to rest a lot of things in that area. I'm not making excuses for him, but I do understand that his past influenced how he parented, and the abuse goes back several generations. I know me and my siblings didn't go though as much as he did or his Dad and Mom. I try really hard to be the best Mom I can, I think that's the biggest thing I took away from my childhood. I can honestly say I've only lost control once, and that was very breifly, with my oldest daughter and never with my other 2 children. My children know about my childhood, they also know from their own actions that they will always have to keep a tight reign on their own tempers. I think we have broken the cycle and am working hard to make sure our success in that area continues. Thank you so much for the well wishes, you are all part of why I'm able to take these steps. I know I have people here I can lean on when I need to and that means so very much to me. I hope I'm able to return the favor whenever needed.

Esther

Thank you Quietheart, we will always be here for you, you must feel that. As for the Reiki, check out the thread Tansey started about it, I wrote quite a lot about my experiences in their but don't let that put you off, all teachers as we know are different but check it out anyway it may help you come to a desicion. Sorry I can't help you with the multi quotes, I have no idea either, I did have a couple of people try to explain them to me but.. well whatever I did, it didn't work so.. back to the drawing board.

 

[quietheart]

I do feel I have y'all here for me, it's the best feeling in the world. I have tried some christian recovery forums before, but just never felt I could come out of my shell there. I think it's partly due to my own personal issues, I don't want to offend any christians who may be here, I know and like several that I've met. This board has truly been a safe healing place for me.
I'll check the thread out, thanks for the info. I know all teachers are different and it can greatly influence how someone reacts to any given subject, whether it's Reiki, Christianity, Math or any other subject.
After I said I needed to figure it out I found the button and I think I understand how to multi-quote now, I'll try it out next time I want to use it so I don't take up too much page space.
Esther

 

[Pixie]

I do feel I have y'all here for me, it's the best feeling in the world. I have tried some christian recovery forums before, but just never felt I could come out of my shell there. I think it's partly due to my own personal issues, I don't want to offend any christians who may be here, I know and like several that I've met. This board has truly been a safe healing place for me.
I'll check the thread out, thanks for the info. I know all teachers are different and it can greatly influence how someone reacts to any given subject, whether it's Reiki, Christianity, Math or any other subject.
After I said I needed to figure it out I found the button and I think I understand how to multi-quote now, I'll try it out next time I want to use it so I don't take up too much page space.
Esther

So you don't take up too much page space either?? Gee whiz, you're just like me!! I think that too all the time!! I worry about 'taking up too much space'!! It's true!! And it's crazy when you see what others take up! I am sooooo glad you feel safe and welcome here, you fit in beautifully, and although we're all exes, we're still a mixed and diverse bunch which is great also as it just woulnd't do if we were all the same. It doesn't matter one jot that you're not an ex Quietheart, you were abused, and so were we, and we are all here to help and heal each other.

Of course some of us go off the rails sometimes.. but it's an evolution, this board I do feel and believe is an evolution, I had a dream about it a couple of weeks after I started posting, it's the same as a kalidascope, and we were all in it, and there were more coming, it was an incredible dream! And you are a part of that, we are all a part of that, and anyone that doesn't want to evolve or is not ready will fall away and perhaps come back, or not, but it's a great and positive board and we are so very very lucky!

 

[quietheart]

So you don't take up too much page space either?? Gee whiz, you're just like me!! I think that too all the time!! I worry about 'taking up too much space'!! It's true!! And it's crazy when you see what others take up! I am sooooo glad you feel safe and welcome here, you fit in beautifully, and although we're all exes, we're still a mixed and diverse bunch which is great also as it just woulnd't do if we were all the same. It doesn't matter one jot that you're not an ex Quietheart, you were abused, and so were we, and we are all here to help and heal each other.

Of course some of us go off the rails sometimes.. but it's an evolution, this board I do feel and believe is an evolution, I had a dream about it a couple of weeks after I started posting, it's the same as a kalidascope, and we were all in it, and there were more coming, it was an incredible dream! And you are a part of that, we are all a part of that, and anyone that doesn't want to evolve or is not ready will fall away and perhaps come back, or not, but it's a great and positive board and we are so very very lucky!

I've been on other boards were the mods are really strict about multi-posting, glad it's not that way here.
I LOVE kaleidoscopes, they were my favorite toys when I was little!!! That was really a neat dream. I wish I remembered my dreams more often, but oh well. I agree, we are very lucky to have such a great board, we just have to know how to duck occasionally, lol.
Esther

 

[Pixie]

I've been on other boards were the mods are really strict about multi-posting, glad it's not that way here.
I LOVE kaleidoscopes, they were my favorite toys when I was little!!! That was really a neat dream. I wish I remembered my dreams more often, but oh well. I agree, we are very lucky to have such a great board, we just have to know how to duck occasionally, lol.
Esther

Oh god, I can't be doing with that at all. I've only ever been on one forum before, only for about three weeks mind you. I wrote about it somewhere before. It was a dating websit.. don't ask! But someone said 'shit' and they got banned for a day!! I then of course big mouth and speak before I think sent in a post ranting about 'freedom of speech', it just reminded me of the cult and it was way before I landed here in a right state, anyway, that evening I came to my computer, logged into the site and I got a message stating I had been 'deleted for good'!!!! I was horrified, I stayed away from the computer for months after that, I felt sooooo introverted. At least here we can be ourselves thank god (Emma)

Yes, kalidascopes, my favourite too, used to spend hours and hours in escape, I had stuff to escape from too you know.. anyway.. they are magical aren't they!

Yes, well I've ducked twice too often and I'm not intending to go down that path again anytime soon.. It's all a learning curve though, for me it was learning to talk with people again on a real level, learning to be in a group again, and at the start I was sooo all over the place, you can't even imagine the state I was in, and yet a few months down the road and I'm so happy. Ok my life situation is horrendous at present but it looks like it's going to be this way for some time so I have to try to sit it out and stay in the now as much as I can.. until my wings grow a little bigger that is.. then, I can fly away..

 

[sallydannce]

Yak, yak, yak. Pixie and Quietheart - you are the sweetness & the light. I do love ya!!!

Pixie that is the funniest story about your short-lived time on that forum. Oh my goodness I can just imagine it - someone writes the word "shit", gets banned for a day and you jump in all full of all the right things and wham you get deleted! Just makes me wish my scientology experience could have been more like that. Week two I open my big mouth, week three I'm deleted. A perfect encounter with an imperfect group. Short & sweet!

 

[quietheart]

Oh god, I can't be doing with that at all. I've only ever been on one forum before, only for about three weeks mind you. I wrote about it somewhere before. It was a dating websit.. don't ask! But someone said 'shit' and they got banned for a day!! I then of course big mouth and speak before I think sent in a post ranting about 'freedom of speech', it just reminded me of the cult and it was way before I landed here in a right state, anyway, that evening I came to my computer, logged into the site and I got a message stating I had been 'deleted for good'!!!! I was horrified, I stayed away from the computer for months after that, I felt sooooo introverted. At least here we can be ourselves thank god (Emma)

Yes, kalidascopes, my favourite too, used to spend hours and hours in escape, I had stuff to escape from too you know.. anyway.. they are magical aren't they!

Yes, well I've ducked twice too often and I'm not intending to go down that path again anytime soon.. It's all a learning curve though, for me it was learning to talk with people again on a real level, learning to be in a group again, and at the start I was sooo all over the place, you can't even imagine the state I was in, and yet a few months down the road and I'm so happy. Ok my life situation is horrendous at present but it looks like it's going to be this way for some time so I have to try to sit it out and stay in the now as much as I can.. until my wings grow a little bigger that is.. then, I can fly away..

Ouch sounds like a board I wouldn't want to be any part of either, ick. I have a tendency to cuss IRL, but fortunately it doesn't really follow me onto the boards, lol. There are a few I would probably get permabanned from if it did . They Christian boards, even though that isn't my belief system anymore, I still have a couple of friends there. I'm so thankful Emma has set up this board, it's such a good place to work through things no matter where you're coming from.

You had to mention magic, lol, my favorite magical creature has always been Unicorns. I had a huge collection of them before I left my ex-husband.

I tend to duck when arguments break out, I've been pulled into the middle before and it ain't fun, that's what I meant about ducking. I totally see what you mean about not ducking, you have every right to stand up for yourself, no one deserves to be a door mat. I've never been completly real with anyone, that's something I'm learning to do. I've always been a people pleaser and to me that sometimes meant telling lies just to keep someone else happy. I don't want to live like that so I'm working really hard on it. I've always been on the fringes, never really a part of any group, it was safer there cause if someone decided they didn't like me it was a smaller loss. I'm learning now, and it's not as scary as I always made it seem. I know all about being all over the place emotionally, I'm pretty stable atm but when I start to spiral it can get kinda messy. That's probably the understatement of the year, lol. I'm so glad you're doing better, I was worried for a while, but didn't feel it was my place to butt in. I know how life can suck and all about biding your time to be able to make it better. I've had to make some choices myself that kinda suck lately, but I know it's what needs done and in the long run will be much better. If you need a shoulder I'm here, just like I know I have a few shoulders here when I need em.

Esther

 

[quietheart]

Yak, yak, yak. Pixie and Quietheart - you are the sweetness & the light. I do love ya!!!

Pixie that is the funniest story about your short-lived time on that forum. Oh my goodness I can just imagine it - someone writes the word "shit", gets banned for a day and you jump in all full of all the right things and wham you get deleted! Just makes me wish my scientology experience could have been more like that. Week two I open my big mouth, week three I'm deleted. A perfect encounter with an imperfect group. Short & sweet!

Sally, I'm gonna go cwy, I finally find somewhere to yak to my hearts content and I get teased . Just kidding, I actually like getting teased a bit, lol. I think you're a true sweety too Sally. I've been feeling down because of having to pull back from IRL protesting due to health issues and being here has really really helped. I'm so glad I've found some true friends here .

I bet there are many many people who wish their encounter with Scientology was the same as Pixie and that screwy board. It would have been a lot less painful that way.
Esther