Another attempt at recovery.

[scooter]

Welcome November - yes this is a support group and yes many of us have been where you are and lived to tell the tale.

In my case, I've done VERY publicly and that worked for me. Maybe not for you and others, but it worked for me. After all, once you admit to being a brain-dead zombie for 30 years in a cult on prime-time TV, it's all a downhill dreamrun from there.

Dreams/nightmares - still get 'em occasionally but not as bad as they were and usually only after my diet goes to hell or I've had a particularly bad week. Haven't woken up dreaming I was back in the cult for about 6 months now so that's good. Did have one a few weeks ago where I was "inside" working on getting folk out and OSA were chasing me but I got away.

Embarrassing things I said/did while in the cult - too many to recount. As someone on this board wisely said to me, "we were all rats in the same cage." Been there, done that, still blush when I think about it.

My suggestion is lurk, read our stories, write your own and yes, get professional help if you so desire. The cult you escaped from is going painfully but inexorably extinct as we watch and laugh at its stupid but dangerous leader and His brain-wiped minions. Look at it as a soap opera you permanently escaped from and sit back and be entertained.

It DOES just keep getting better and better from here - you're free from THAT nightmare so use the experience to make a better future for yourself.

 

[Knows]

WELCOME November!! Thanks for your post. You are not alone - it is TRAUMA and the side effects can be lasting but the mind can heal itself.

What I did was to read everything about mind control - so I had understanding about what happened to me and how Scientology got me going UP the Bridge to total insanity...(I never cared about the Bridge - but after my life blew up and I was vulnerable...I was going up the Bridge. I did not see any Clears or OT's that looked or acted like they had super natural powers - most of them were a bit off, if you know what I mean. Not their fault - it is the side effects of Scientology.

Once I figured out HOW El Con duped me into this cult - I read up on PTSD and recovery from Narcissist's. Scientology is one big Narcissist - the Organization has no empathy, people are used and discarded, inhumant treatment of everyone except the leader (the chief Narcissist), people invalidated and nullified (can't do enough for the cult, if Scientology isn't working - it is YOUR fault, introverting processes like O/W's and Sec Checking...all of it is abuse! And - it is TRAUMATIC!!

That gave me information re: my own battle with recovering from the cult that helped tremendously. Read up on cults too - they all have similar manipulative techniques that trap people into staying.

If you need someone to talk to on the phone - I am happy to talk to you - just pm me.

That will help, in my opinion, more than a therapist or drugs - I needed to talk about it all and not hold back. I had a hard time finding anyone that understood the cult but eventually, I was able to find a good listener - someone who was in the cult and let me vent. I will be happy to give you support!

Also, telling your story has given others some relief. Others here on the board have suggested that if you don't want to be found out - twist it up a bit so OSA (fuck you OSA, BTW) can't figure out who you are...drive them crazy with twisted stories and have fun with it!! :wink2:

Big Hug and welcome back!! :dancer::dancer::dancer:

 

[dbnope444]

So, I've been out of the cult for... about five years now. I was a staff member at an org, I was sent to CCInt and Flag for training and spent at least four years within the Sea Org standards of living as an OOT; all told I think I spent six to eight years involved in Scientology.

Despite the fact that life is much better than it was when I was in the cult, I still find myself plagued with problems-problems I attribute to residual emotional blowback from being "in" and then getting "out". Though I have many reasons to be happy in my current life, I am not. I feel depressed at times, I have nightmares, I find it hard to trust others. (Either I think they're incompetent due to cult conditioning, or I am afraid they are as deceptive as the cult was) I find it hard to make friends because I feel obligated to denote I'm "damaged goods" from the get-go, as I am an ex-Scientologist. And on the subject of friends, it's hard to talk to friends about my time involved with the COS, because it's hard for them to have any reality on what it was like, and any attempts to expound usually make me feel like I'm being morose.

My biggest issues are the nightmares. When I first got out, man, it was rough! I'd have these terrors where I'd kick and thrash and scream myself awake. Those faded, and then I settled into a period of about monthly dreams of the cult. Though less frequent, these dreams linger with me, reminding me while I'm awake of just how "not over it" I really am. They're usually always different settings, but the plot is one of three things. A) I am being pursued by the cult to re-join and I usually find myself back in, after a period of resistance. B) I am the 'hero' of the tale, rescuing women and children from the Flag Base, usually followed by a pursuit, and my eventual going back to the cult. C) I am doing a routine action as a cult member, either auditing, being the pc, supervising, doing a meter drill, etc.. and I suddenly remember how false Scientology is. This startles me into stopping the action, and then the other people in my dream force me to forget that Scientology is all a lie.

All three are terrifying, because it's like Orwell's 1984 ending where *spoilers!* Winston Smith ends up loving Big Brother after they tortured him and his lover, Julia. In each and every scenario, despite my REAL intentions of never setting foot in another Scientology building or speaking to a Scientologist ever again, I always "come around" to them at the end.

The tipping point for me happened today, well, last night. It started two weeks ago when I had a "type C" nightmare. I was supervising a courseroom, when I suddenly remembered that everything about the scene was wrong. I tried to leave the courseroom, but my students (who had morphed into goldenrod-clad Flag MAAs) chased me into the basement and forced me to relax. They said that I was having another restimulation, and that I was actually crazy. That my "REAL" life in rural-ville with my goats and dogs and garden was all a fabrication, and that I was only dreaming when I thought I was living there. When I woke up in a cold sweat, I had this fuzzy thought float up from the nightmare, "What if they were right? What if THIS is the dream and when I wake up, I'll find out I'm actually having pneumonia in the ISO dorms?"

Which is one hell of a mindfuck, letmetellyou.

Fortunately, I was able to verify that I am not, in fact, hallucinating my freedom from this cult. The lights work in my house, I can read fine, and pinching hurts. (Don't laugh-I had to test and make sure!)

Though I knew it was all just a bad dream, I became afraid of going to sleep. I try and stay up as long as possible, so by 2 or 4 in the morning I am too exhausted to dream during those few hours of sleep before work. That plan didn't work out so well, because the past two weeks have been a jumble of too many nightmares. Last night, I dreamt that my lover died. In my grief, I wound up in the all-too-convenient arms of the cult. Then I discovered that members of the cult had actually murdered my lover to get me to come back. After I escaped, I had a fight with a giant anaconda, because my subconscious is a dick and likes to fuck with me.

Sure it was a dream, you might say. It felt real. It felt so real that I had to touch my lover, sobbing all the while. This whole day has been gross, I feel like I've got some sort of mental flu.

Right. I'm going to have to stop myself from deleting all of the above text, because I really do think that I need some sort of support group. You were all pretty supportive when I first left, but I revealed too much about myself and OSA got involved.... and i've stayed away ever since. I'm going to try and stay as anonymous as possible now, because of that. However; the closest thing I have to friends who understand what kind of turmoil I'm going through now are an army vet with PTSD from the wars overseas, and an ex-Southern Baptist. Both are really super; but not exactly what I think I need.

I think the intention of this and future posts is for me to gather my thoughts on my experiences in the cult, compare notes as to how my experiences relate to other's, and perhaps find some way to calm myself down long enough to sleep for a few hours without harassing myself in my own dreams.

I spent so much time, these past five years, trying to forget-to push all those bad memories and false ideas into a tiny little close in the back of my mind. But those things we like to shove away can mutate into terrible monsters when we're not looking. Hopefully getting them out of that closet and looking at them through the critical lens of writing will help me.

At least I'm not alone anymore, right?

-November

.:: For some reason, I attempted to post this earlier and it didnt show., sorry for the double post- if that happens! ::.

I remember when I left the Church 30 years ago and all the charge I had to deal with. Like you, I was staff for five or six years. I had a very good friend to audit this charge and we did this for each other. Even now once in a while (like when I read your story) I recall some of the insanity. Hopefully you can find such a friend as this. Now I scarcely remember most of the painful times and am more empathetic towards the people of Scientology . . . remembering that I too was once one of them and why I was and what I hoped for then. Of course this would be impossible had I not achieved the many as-isnessess I did . . . so I hope this for you too and I shall continue to hope this for you as long as I can or you need it. I have reached many wonderful states of being since I left Scientology which I only hoped for then. Now I am free to look and now I am free to as-is . . . this will happen for you too . . . so hang in there. Idenics and avatar and what have you etc. etc all have something to give after you handle your Scientology pains . . . set out then to explore them all and take the best of all of these and you will be fine > I don't know you but for some reason I find that I care for you so good luck in your future . . . dbnope444

 

[BardoThodol]

Dreams are apparently a way of understanding and coming to terms with experience. Dreaming is necessary. Maybe even the nightmares. You might want to study current research on the importance of dreaming.

Perhaps, it might be prudent to accept rather than fight the lessons you're trying to teach yourself..

Exercise is good for much of what you're going through. Eating right and staying healthy.

Dance is exercise--and fun. Just put on some good music and dance. Yoga and Tai Chi are good. Martial arts. Cycling. Walking. Exercise doesn't have to be boring or overly strenuous.

Exercise helps re-establish your sense of control over your life.

One of the problems with cults is the destruction of self esteem. We start to lower our opinions of ourselves, start to dislike ourselves. Learning to appreciate who you are helps. Learning to love yourself--despite all the foibles and contradictions and other nonsense that all of us suffer.

We're all a bit nuts. Which is kind of fun when you get over the idea that you have to be perfect. Makes life interesting.

The thing is, most people you meet are just simply going to be inclined to like you. Most people are programed to care for others. As you are probably noticing here.

 

[Chris Shelton]

No you are not. You have a lot of understanding people here who have been through what you are going through. Keep professional help open as an option. But you are free to communicate and be understood here. You can also private message me or others here. I'm recently out myself (left SO a year ago, declared SP about two months ago). There are others here who you can also PM if you want to not give certain details out in the open. Whatever is comfortable for you.

 

[Miss Ellie]

Welcome.... you have come far & the road ahead may be bumpy but will get smoother as you go.

I was brought into the Sciobots at age 9 or 10 by the mother unit. I quickly realized that they "wuz crazy". I tried to believe... I clicked my red slippers & everything but it was still not working for me. To make things even better I was in a sub-cult of the cult. Say that fast three times!

At 18 I "drifted" away. No big announcement as family & friends were still in... I did not want to loose them. I then realized that if I stayed close to the friends they would realize my "secret" and be forced to turn their backs on me.... it was less painful just to drift away. I am now getting back in touch with some as they come out. It has been 36+ years since I drifted. My family left in the early/mid 80s so that is not an issue for me.

Through the years I have had "professional counseling" off & on for different reasons. I was always up front about being raised in Sciobot-dom and told the counselors. They were all FASINATED with the fact that I had gotten out & was so functional (a subjective observation). Within the profession former Sciobots are considered harder to help & can take longer to readjust to the regular world. A few other cults have us beat but not many it turns out. The people that look for counseling have lots to deal with.

Look for a counselor that has experience with cult drop-outs. A cult is a cult by any name... does not have to be a Sciobot experience but one that has worked with different people from different cults will be better able to help/understand the formula. All cults have a formula... some of the details may be different but the formula is often the same.

Read some books on cult recovery that do not address Sciobots alone or at all. As I came to understand that we were just one of many it helped me understand what I was going through was what many had experienced. On a calendar note if each day was, good - better- best or sucky... then you can look back over time & see the changes that did happen.

Be careful of substance abuse liquid or otherwise, some former cult members do try and dull the pain/memories with these things.

If you have not picked a physical activity try one or more. This gives you a focus & you meet new people with a common interest... mountain biking, kayaking, sailing, running, hiking etc. Outdoor activities will help you expand your world... You don't have to spend a lot of money or become addicted - just interested in enjoying new things. If you are not the outdoor type indoor "stuff" will work - painting, writing, volunteering.

Allow yourself time to heal - in body, mind & spirit. You are not on a time table... this is not the flu, you will not wake up "over it" day-after-tomorrow. You did not get to this point overnight... you will not leave it behind overnight.

Accept each day as a gift, unwrap it, enjoy it and find the good in it. Some gifts and bigger & prettier than others but that does not mean the smaller chipped gift can not be a treasure.

You have a chance to reinvent your life.... go for it.

 

[lotus]

Hello November,

Welcome and thanks for your sharing!
(I apologize for my poor english)


I can understand how you feel and what you experienced after you left this cult.

1. 1)Despite your life may seems miserable, living with the sequels of your SO and Staff journey, you are not alone .
   This cult has been designed a way to harm us very deeply and what you experienced is a proof that you are
   still ''feeling'' emotions and did not turned into a cold steel Rondroid - as some did, unfortunately completely disconnected from painfull emotions and trauma from the cult.
   
2. 2)You are not a weak person for having these issues - you are strong because your kept being a sensitive being.
   
3. 3)(I am not a psych nor a physician - I only have minimal psychology background - studies and work) but the symptoms you describe are the same as post-traumatic stress disorder's very specific symptoms. Shall it be your case, it requires a specific approach.
   Many ex-SO or staff have or had PTSD - because of constant traumatic events they experienced or witnessed or either because of the pressure, threatened, OSA stalking , disconnection, seck-checks - RPF - sleep deprivation - OW's & ethics....
   A dark world for one in constant struggling to survive.
   
4. 4)The good new, is that it can be treated and healed (few after-effects of sadness and insomnia can resist though). Cognitive behavioral therapy can adress PTSD with excellent results (proven).
   It's easy to do with the therapist help. There is no brainwashig neither invasive psychotherapy. It's like reparing a dammage to allow the brain to put the switch off as it is reacting to something that happened in the past and was not healed or too much difficult to process and integrate.
   The present time symptoms tells you it needs to be adressed and healed.
   A therapy can be achieved within 6 to 12 months - on a once a week basis. The best therapists are the one devoted to the PTSD therapy because they master the steps of such process. Often there is no need for medication, unless depression, anxiety or insomnia are too much severe.
   
5. 5)there is many PTSD or stress research centers which deliver such therapy for research purpose and thus can enroll people free, in case one can't afford the fees.

I myself had to rely to a PTSD therapy few years ago, despite I was not confident with psychotherapists - as a wrong pre-conceived idea I learned within the cult. I was so miserable that I decided to give a try and got seriously
involved with 100% compliance on every exercice I had to do at home. 2 months after I began, I was a new person - the true Myself I was long ago did emerge - I experienced again joy, confidence, hope, and was capable of recovering my social life and value. This was an amazing experience. People would see me changing so fast they told me. Few weeks later recover the sunshine within me and sparkling eyes. I could see a smile inthe mirror - I never lost it yet.

Please give a try on therapy to offer you a chance to recover.
Very few efforts will allow you to recover your life and disempower this cult experience over your mind. You
can make this experience be what it is without that much pain and suffering , even though some emotions may remain,
It will make you free of this cult haunting your nights or sleep and hope.

Keep in touch with people here and share , as you did, with confidence and enjoy!

I sincerely wish you the very best and a successfull new journey with your free life. Keep hope. You can do something to heal yourself. You are a great being, you did your very best within that cult.

Good luck and enjoy this message board - there is such true caring people.

 

[Knows]

Hello November,

Welcome and thanks for your sharing!
(I apologize for my poor english)


I can understand how you feel and what you experienced after you left this cult.

1. 1)Despite your life may seems miserable, living with the sequels of your SO and Staff journey, you are not alone .
   This cult has been designed a way to harm us very deeply and what you experienced is a proof that you are
   still ''feeling'' emotions and did not turned into a cold steel Rondroid - as some did, unfortunately completely disconnected from painfull emotions and trauma from the cult.
2. 2)You are not a weak person for having these issues - you are strong because your kept being a sensitive being.
3. 3)(I am not a psych nor a physician - I only have minimal psychology background - studies and work) but the symptoms you describe are the same as post-traumatic stress disorder's very specific symptoms. Shall it be your case, it requires a specific approach.
   Many ex-SO or staff have or had PTSD - because of constant traumatic events they experienced or witnessed or either because of the pressure, threatened, OSA stalking , disconnection, seck-checks - RPF - sleep deprivation - OW's & ethics....
   A dark world for one in constant struggling to survive.
4. 4)The good new, is that it can be treated and healed (few after-effects of sadness and insomnia can resist though). Cognitive behavioral therapy can adress PTSD with excellent results (proven).
   It's easy to do with the therapist help. There is no brainwashig neither invasive psychotherapy. It's like reparing a dammage to allow the brain to put the switch off as it is reacting to something that happened in the past and was not healed or too much difficult to process and integrate.
   The present time symptoms tells you it needs to be adressed and healed.
   A therapy can be achieved within 6 to 12 months - on a once a week basis. The best therapists are the one devoted to the PTSD therapy because they master the steps of such process. Often there is no need for medication, unless depression, anxiety or insomnia are too much severe.
5. 5)there is many PTSD or stress research centers which deliver such therapy for research purpose and thus can enroll people free, in case one can't afford the fees.

I myself had to rely to a PTSD therapy few years ago, despite I was not confident with psychotherapists - as a wrong pre-conceived idea I learned within the cult. I was so miserable that I decided to give a try and got seriously
involved with 100% compliance on every exercice I had to do at home. 2 months after I began, I was a new person - the true Myself I was long ago did emerge - I experienced again joy, confidence, hope, and was capable of recovering my social life and value. This was an amazing experience. People would see me changing so fast they told me. Few weeks later recover the sunshine within me and sparkling eyes. I could see a smile inthe mirror - I never lost it yet.

Please give a try on therapy to offer you a chance to recover.
Very few efforts will allow you to recover your life and disempower this cult experience over your mind. You
can make this experience be what it is without that much pain and suffering , even though some emotions may remain,
It will make you free of this cult haunting your nights or sleep and hope.

Keep in touch with people here and share , as you did, with confidence and enjoy!

I sincerely wish you the very best and a successfull new journey with your free life. Keep hope. You can do something to heal yourself. You are a great being, you did your very best within that cult.

Good luck and enjoy this message board - there is such true caring people.

Thank you for this post. Can you elaborate on what the PTSD therapy consisted of and how it helped you. It sounds interesting to me and I like to learn everything about PTSD.

I also want to mention excercise is an excellent form of therapy to help recover faster. Join a gym and go everyday. Not only will you get in shape but you will feel better!!

 

[Free Being Me]

Here's what info I have on PTSD.

Recovering From Scientology
http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?32033-Recovering-From-Scientology/page2
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Worksheets & Handouts
http://www.psychologytools.org/ptsd.html
Psychology Tools - Free Worksheet Downloads And Therapy Resources
http://www.psychologytools.org/

 

[DeeAnna]

From WebMD:

"5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) is a chemical by-product of the protein building block L-tryptophan. It is also produced commercially from the seeds of an African plant (Griffonia simplicifolia).

Don’t use 5-HTP until more is known. 5-HTP might be UNSAFE. Some people who have taken it have come down with eosinophilia-myalgia syndrome (EMS), a serious condition involving extreme muscle tenderness (myalgia) and blood abnormalities (eosinophilia). Some people think the EMS might be caused by an accidental ingredient (contaminant) in some 5-HTP products. But there is not enough scientific evidence to know if EMS is caused by 5-HTP, a contaminant, or some other factor. Until more is known, avoid taking 5-HTP."


[h=4]Is SAM-e safe?[/h]SAM-e can have many side effects, including:

• Nausea.
• Diarrhea.
• Headache.
• Anxiety.
• Gas.
• Swings from depression to intense energy (mania).

People diagnosed with bipolar disorder should not take SAM-e.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) does not regulate dietary supplements in the same way it regulates medicines. A dietary supplement can be sold with limited or no research on how well it works.
Always tell your doctor if you are using a dietary supplement or if you are thinking about combining a dietary supplement with your conventional medical treatment. It may not be safe to forgo your conventional medical treatment and rely only on a dietary supplement. This is especially important for women who are pregnant or breast-feeding.
When using dietary supplements, keep in mind the following:

• Like conventional medicines, dietary supplements may cause side effects, trigger allergic reactions, or interact with prescription and nonprescription medicines or other supplements you might be taking. A side effect or interaction with another medicine or supplement may make other health conditions worse.
• Dietary supplements may not be standardized in their manufacturing. This means that how well they work or any side effects they cause may differ among brands or even within different lots of the same brand. The form you buy in health food or grocery stores may not be the same as the form used in research.
• The long-term effects of most dietary supplements, other than vitamins and minerals, are not known. Many dietary supplements are not used long-term.

 

[JustSheila]

From WebMD:

"5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) is a chemical by-product of the protein building block L-tryptophan. It is also produced commercially from the seeds of an African plant (Griffonia simplicifolia).

Don’t use 5-HTP until more is known. 5-HTP might be UNSAFE.

Chicken is a terrific natural source of L-Tryptophan and easier on the digestion than beef. Helps to get a good night's sleep when you eat it for dinner.

Also seaweed (i.e., spirulina), eggs, shellfish, fish, and leafy green veges like spinach.

 

[Claire Swazey]

Chicken is a terrific natural source of L-Tryptophan and easier on the digestion than beef. Helps to get a good night's sleep when you eat it for dinner.

Also seaweed (i.e., spirulina), eggs, shellfish, fish, and leafy green veges like spinach.

Ah, man, you're making me hungry....

(but, yes, that's all very true)

 

[sallydannce]

Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) is very helpful for trauma.

I used it a lot to reframe my thoughts and control the overwhelming panic and anxiety.

I was also blessed to be working with a therapist who was trained in Haukomi. This is therapy based on gestalt, Taoism, and Buddhist concepts. Extremely gentle, it eased the frantic storms going on in my brain. It took about two months of mindfully observing what happened in my body and brain when a "storm" hit. I was then able to get myself out of the red hot zone by breathing through it and not fearing the sensations in my body.

Then the real work began. How had this happened to me where my nervous system and cortisol levels were so out of control? What fears and illogical irrational crap were deeply installed into me by the cult programming. I dug deep. I did not want to wake up in 20 years still under the influence of Hubbards rot.

Once I mastered my own responses to elevated cortisol levels (which control the fight/flight/freeze responses), I explored my own inner thoughts about everything and anything. I desired knowing myself, my way. My therapist remained flexible with me and together we formed a team which was all about empowering me. Self-actualisation became my job. I had been a slave to a cult for 20 years and enough was enough. It was time to honestly find out what made me tick, how I had gotten so messed up, and find out what I was really made of.

It has been said that the longest, and toughest journey, is the one between the head and the heart. I'd have to agree with that. To get out of my head and just FEEL it, trust my own heart, my instincts, was wild wild stuff.

I do not know of a way to heal the spirit or matters of the heart without feeling it. Gotta feel it to heal it. This is foreign in my culture where the conditioning is about competitiveness and being right or wrong. Thinking is all important, with emotional intelligence being given much lesser value. Emotions in my culture are about as constipated as constipated can get. Hence, imho, nonsense like hubbards dangerous mind control gets a foothold, offering all sorts of delusions to the innocent.

Sorry for the rant but I am shamelessly passionate about these subjects. Finding out what traumatised me, feeling it, exploring it, evolving to a more resilient human being (faults and all) has not been a "one size fits all" methodology. I have explored many subjects, from neuroplasticity, to Taoism, to tapping, to working with a highly trained psychologist (his speciality is attachment theory). Pretty wild stuff for a girl who was programmed to the hilt to hate the psychs (I'm ex CCHR staff, with a side order of some osa work).

Leaving the cult, falling flat on my face, and crawling my way home to my deep inner self, has been gut wrenching work. I am thoroughly human, capable of the finest fuck ups but I absolutely feel that I am not unique. Yes, I am unique in that I can bake one of the best fruit cakes known to mankind, but other than that, I swear if a defective waif like me can heal/recover from having her head bent way out of shape with scientology mind control, anyone can.

p.s . Dancing is a great recovery tool. Turn that soul moving music up and move! Technique is not relevant. Please no pissing the neighbours off with loud music in the middle of the night. Headphones are good mates of mine.

 

[JustSheila]

^^ THIS!

Sallydance, your gift for writing moment-to-moment, step-by-step feelings, responses, actions and observations makes this post an outstanding recovery tool for anyone with PTSD.

You're such a doll. Thanks for taking the time to write and post this, and thanks to your therapist as well. When you mentioned learning to control the fight/flight response, I went HOLY MOLEY! Awesome stuff. Belongs on Golden Quotes.

Thanks, mate. MmmWA!
Luv ya!

 

[Helena Handbasket]

From WebMD:

"5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) is a chemical by-product of the protein building block L-tryptophan. It is also produced commercially from the seeds of an African plant (Griffonia simplicifolia).

Don’t use 5-HTP until more is known. 5-HTP might be UNSAFE.

Warning: depending on WebMD for medical information might be UNSAFE. WebMD is funded by Big Pharma, which has a vested interest in steering people away from herbal, vitamin-based, and natural remedies towards high-priced patent medicines instead. A better name for this web site might be WebDrugCompany.

Helena

 

[JustSheila]

WARNING: A number of folks on ESMB still have residues of Scientology brainwashing in their system and may forward superstitious beliefs about the Internet, medicine, science and pharmacy. Since some have not yet regained the ability to fully analyse information and sources rationally and analytically, they may occasionally post lingering prejudicial, generalising statements and attitudes about things Hubbard hated.

 

[secretiveoldfag]

Big welcome, November!

B1 and cal mag. lol. Hubbard invented neither. They help. And at least a multi-.
Take a walk, do an outdoor activity daily. Something extroverting. Take good care of yourself.

I find, several years out, that I hit a wall and the words "I was a scientologist for a stupidly long time" just won't come out of my mouth. It's erie. I frequently want to say
it and it just won't roll off my tongue. I'm tempted sometimes to spill but feel the other person won't even get it anyway and I'll look like a complete jackass.
So, I don't bother. And I don't like it either but, hell, it's a past that now looks bizarre to even myself. I don't expect anyone to understand what I've been through.
You just set yourself up, if you do - my opinion. Except a good therapist, maybe. But you can let it all hang out here.

Nightmares - my feeling is that they are a way of processing out old information and that maybe they're part of the recovery process. Maybe just observe them. Keep a journal of them.
It may help. Dreams have a way of evaporating quickly, so jot them down. See how they change and just observe them, nothing more. They will dissipate eventually.

For me they were a loud and clear message: DON'T GO BACK!! I experienced all the guilt and worry and nightmares you can imagine when I left and my last dream was me opening a life improvement
center and it was going just fine, lots of happy little people and then the uniforms showed up to forcibly make me turn it into a class v org and it freaked me out so badly I woke up in
a sweat and shaking. I had been toying with the idea of continuing to use the tek at the time and had fleeting thoughts of it and that nightmare put an end to it all. I knew it was nuts.

I've found this board to be my therapy. I was terrified earlier. Now I don't give a crap. It wasn't til I was out a few years that I made any real major change in my life for the better.
I just hung out doing what I do. But the change made all the difference. Figure out something you've always wanted to do and start on it. Take a big bite of life every day and keep moving forward.
The dreams won't follow you for long. They can't get you. Nobody owns you. And you're safe here.

QFT

 

[I told you I was trouble]

November,

You're absolutely not alone and need never be again ... many of us have endured similar things to those you mention and it seems to be a matter of allowing for the passing of some time, plus talking (and reading) about things here that straightens things out for most people.

Later, when you feel ready and have dumped much of the cultic nonsense you can start to work out who you really are (unfortunate wording I know, but that's what I wanted to say).

I'm so glad you joined us.







Addendum ...

Lol! I just found your 'other' thread with the same OP ... (I wondered why only one person had welcomed you, now I know why).

 

[Free to shine]

I guess I wasn't a TERRIBLE child, (it could have been worse) but when my family and I became engaged with Scientology, I really ate up the love bombing.

I read Dianetics as a kind of intro book, before I really realized what Scientology was. That's kind of like saying I read the bible several times while in that christian sect. I was a kid, I obviously didn't understand it all, but at the core of my understanding was the fact that there were answers to questions I had started having; why are we here? what's the purpose of life? why can't I get along with others? Now that we were going to the org on a regular basis, people I considered authority figures (staff members, older&wiser Scientologists and FSMs) were suddenly talking to me as an adult. Like a real person! They were always telling me how great I was. How uptone and positive I was. How theta my presence was.... kind of makes me want to barf now, but I think that this was my first taste of "genuine" (i.e. not from my family) admiration and I became ADDICTED to it. To be clear-what got me hooked on Scientology wasn't just the promise of answers, it was the promise of companionship and admiration.

When the inevitable reg cycle for me to join staff happened, it should come as no surprise that I accepted. I just did not know how soon the love would start to wear off.


After joining staff, I alienated my then already-on-the-rocks non-Scientologist boyfriend by telling him that after the eighth grade was over, I was moving to California or Florida to study my new religion. Initially this had no real effect on him, because a few months before I had announced that I had contact with a casting agency for Disney and was going to be a model or actress in a few years. He attended some seminars with me and my family, and even let me do some self analysis on him over the phone. (We would talk late at night until the sun came up most nights of the week)

Gradually, though, I think he began to see that Scientology was already making me crazy. If I had to pinpoint the exact moment I think the relationship ended for him, I'd say it was during one of our late night clandestine phone calls. We were discussing past lives- I was very sensationalized by the stories I had read in Have You Lived Before This Life? and he was still on the more Catholic side of the fence. Since I was 14 and certain that I was the star of my very own Adventure Novel, I told him that I thought that maybe I was the reincarnation of L Ron Hubbard himself. I was, after all, a very special girl.

((The above paragraph is absolutely humiliating to think about. But it's true! I think this is a good moment that shows how fanatic I had become. I didn't continue to think this; in fact I had never BELIEVED before or since that I was LRH...but it was a passing thought my 14 year old self thought entirely possible.))

He didn't exactly break up with me then and there, but the next week when I saw him kissing on a "rival" girl in school, I got the hint.

I was a young kid, and immediately bounced back from that guy to a cute son of an executive at the cult. By the time I got to start my wonderful adventure in California, I had read (but not really understood) KSW, done the Staff Statuses, and spent some time trying to get other Scientology teens to come into course for the summer. Combined with some Div-6 courses and an intensive of Life Repair on my parent's dime the full scope of my understanding of Scientology was barely the bottom of the giant Bridge chart they hang on the walls.

Regardless of how little I knew of them, I was still very much smitten with Scientology and Scientologists. Clears and OT's were like a kind of movie star celebrity to me. And lo and behold, those very same people I looked up to showered me with praise for being so smart, so young, so amazing. (I wish you could hear the sarcasm in my voice as you mentally hear those words. If only I had been a little less "awesome" I think I wouldn't have gotten so intrenched.)


I think next time I'm going to skip ahead to after my time in California. I'm not really sure how to write about it in a way that isn't identifiable. I did the Purif, Student Hat, the 2 Div 6 Dianetics book courses, (This was before the BASICS!) the HQS course, TR's and Objectives, the PTS/SP course (because I got sick) while I was there.

I shall return this evening to write a bit more, I think.

-November

I was also 14, a bit of a rebel loner and love bombed into an adult scientology world. Oh your words do resonate indeed.

The thing is that so many of our values are formed in those years, and the group can become the family/safe scenario so that when you do step into the big wide world there are many issues to identify and come to understand. By 17 I had one foot out the door as I knew something wasn't right but was also a lamb to the slaughter for predators, and came back to the safety of family, which also included scientology and so it continued a few decades more.

I think that when we have nightmares that there are things we need to really, really talk about, and when we can't it seems into our sleeping mind. Professional help would be best but if you can't then perhaps start writing, just for yourself, and of course you can share what you can here. Try and identify those warped values we were indoctrinated with, they make great discussion topics. I know for me they included a lot of about self respect, being obedient, what love is, being safe, self sacrifice and so on. I am still finding them over 40 years later.

If I can help in any way, let me know. You're here and not alone.

 

[Free to shine]

I've had a lot of formal counselling, too, and was on antidepressants on and off and highly recommend you do the same. Antidepressants are a lifesaver. They do NOT change your personality and whatever you read or heard on the anti-psych or scn sites is just not true. The new ones are SO subtle, and they clear that awful depressive fog away so you can actually think clearly and really be yourself.

I would be wary of a general "antidepressants are good" recommendation. It is an individual thing and needs to be closely monitored by a competent medical professional. I know a few people who are in dreadful shape due to the wrong antidepressant and on medical advice the tapering off may take years so it can make waking life a nightmare too. Care is needed.