As suggested by Alanzo - My counseling sessions

[Tiger Lily]

Cantsay,

My husband has often said (more in the past than currently), I am not the person that did that to you - your mom, your brothers, some other guy. This is usually when I'm "reacting" to a situation and not just mad at something he did or didn't do. Fortunately, it did snap me out of the "reaction". For me to see that I was still "holding onto" or "reacting to" past hurts (physical, emotional or mental), it was realizing I was responding to a now situation, but reacting to then situation.

Your husband sounds like a very wise and caring man. Many spouses would take that personally, and escalate the situation. I'm glad that he understands and has been there for you.

-TL

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Imout,

I like your straightforward way of telling us about your relationship
with your mother and your "other" mother.
Whatever your relationship with your mother was, you sound very
level headed and your mother did not screw you up enough to screw up
your relationship with your own daughter.

Thanks, DB.

I decided long before I had my daughter I'd raise her nearly exactly opposite as my mother raised me. That worked very well, in my opinion. However, now that my daughter is older than I am when my mother died, I had no point of reference. How do I raise a 23 year old kid? Of course I'm still not "raising" my daughter - she's on her own and in a different state. But I didn't even get how to interact with her. Earlier this year I got very upset with my daughter for leaving me hanging (not calling me) when she was very ill and very upset. I was nearly ready to hop a plane to her. My girlfriend that was privy to part of the telephone conversation wanted me to fly her to me for a week.

I did the only think I could think of. I wrote her a letter telling her to do without a mom for awhile to see how it felt. (Later she told me that was the stupidest thing she had ever read - my daughter is very blunt and I taught her to speak her mind.) Then I stopped answering her calls. After two weeks, we finally spoke on the phone to resolve our issues (and my letter made it very clear that this was MY issue). We discussed what we each needed from the other. And what she needed I'd been providing. But what I needed she wasn't providing. She now calls at least once a week to let me know she's OK.

I pretty much was modeling our new adult relationship off the relationship I have with my "mommy person". Most of the time my "mommy person" is just a friend I've had for a very long time. Other times when I actually need a "mommy" - I call her "mommy" so she knows what role she's playing.

This is working great for my daughter and I. I think it's allowing her to be the adult she is and making her own choices and decisions. And it's allowing us to have a grown up relationship instead of her constantly feel like she's still a kid.

My daughter calls for advice or guidance - but she ultimately decides what is right for her. And it takes the pressure off of me. What if I make the wrong choice for her? Ugh!!! Even as similar as my daughter and I - we still have very different ideas about handling life. Probably only because she has so much less baggage than I do. LOL!!!

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Your husband sounds like a very wise and caring man. Many spouses would take that personally, and escalate the situation. I'm glad that he understands and has been there for you.

-TL

Thanks, TL. He is. But he does take other stuff personally and I have to remind him - it's not all about him. LOL!!!

I think most of the time he sits back and watches me dramatize some past situation with a bit of humor. I'm sure it's pretty entertaining to see a grown woman responding to something the way a 5 year old might. LOL!!!

I know I find it hilarious when he pouts like a 3 year old boy. And then he wonders why I call him "little boy". LOL!!! But he really has all the characteristics of a little boy not getting his way. Thankfully this doesn't happen much. I keep telling him only one of us is allowed to be nuts at a time. And since I have more baggage, I get that role far more often. LOL!!!

 

[Tiger Lily]

Thanks, TL. He is. But he does take other stuff personally and I have to remind him - it's not all about him. LOL!!!

I think most of the time he sits back and watches me dramatize some past situation with a bit of humor. I'm sure it's pretty entertaining to see a grown woman responding to something the way a 5 year old might. LOL!!!

I know I find it hilarious when he pouts like a 3 year old boy. And then he wonders why I call him "little boy". LOL!!! But he really has all the characteristics of a little boy not getting his way. Thankfully this doesn't happen much. I keep telling him only one of us is allowed to be nuts at a time. And since I have more baggage, I get that role far more often. LOL!!!

You, my dear, are going to be just fine!! And I see the humor is alive and well!

TL

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

You, my dear, are going to be just fine!! And I see the humor is alive and well!

TL

Oh, yes. The humor can not die.

 

[Dulloldfart]

When I do imagery with my counselor I get to do whatever I want to my mother - a few weeks ago I punched her, choked her and then shot her. What an awesome feeling. Plus, I usually cuss her out and tell her how horrible she was for what she did or didn't do in the image.

Every time I do this with my counselor I feel less pain in my shoulders and upper back. So I do get the correlation between body and spirit. The book I read recently "The Body Never Lies" by Alice Miller, gets into how the body holds on to stuff during abuse in childhood and how that turns into adult illness.

Wonderful.

Paul

 

[Good twin]

Way to go Kat!!! I am so proud of you. You are really making progress and it is so good of you to share it with all of us here at ESMB. So very very good. Thanks.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

I got a wonderful response to my email to my mommy person. Then we talked on the phone for about an hour today (long conversation for her, but I think she got that I needed more time today). A lot of our conversation was about my upcoming visit to her - ROAD TRIP!!!

In about a week and a half I'll be heading out to visit her. And I'm taking my friend from here with me. She has to meet my mommy person and all of her wonderful friends, that are my wonderful friends since I met them two years ago.

Sharing with everyone here is almost like having another appointment with my counselor - I have so many realizations, it's great. Typing up what happened, gives me the time to ponder what I got done in counseling and then of course light bulbs go off in my head. So, I think it's a win-win. You all are finding out the counselors are not the evil creatures we were lead to believe. And that counseling can actually help a person.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Well, I saw my counselor today - because it's Tuesday and that's our day. LOL!!!

I had to read her the letter I wrote my dead mother last week. Man, I really need to take a penmanship class - my writing is hard for even me to read. LOL!!!

Anyway, after reading the letter we discussed some of it and some stuff about my current relationship with my step-mom. Wow, I just realized she's been my step-mom for nearly 40 years (dang I'm old - LOL!!).

So it wasn't too traumatic or dramatic today.

I won't be seeing her next week, since I'll be on the road to see my mommy person. I'm so looking forward to that visit. I need to get away and relax. No husband to take care of, no puppy to take care of, no kitties to take care of. Just visiting with my mommy and daddy persons.

My girlfriend is going with me, so GT can stop worrying about me driving 900+ miles alone (I did it alone two years ago, no big deal). It will be interesting to drive that much distance with a friend of just over a year. I'm used to driving alone (so I can crank up the tunes, listen to what I want and just let my mind wonder).

We'll be stopping half way to meet an internet friend of over 2 years - it'll be interesting to have a face to go with the voice and all the IMs over the years. LOL!!!

Not seeing any exes. This is a get out of Dodge and life road trip. LOL!!!

I'll be leaving on the 6th of July and returning on the 13th. I will have a lot of ESMB to catch up on when I return. Not planning to even check email while I'm away. I wonder how I'll survive???

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

I just talked to my daughter.

She started seeing a counselor last night. I'm so happy for her. And from what she said, it sounds like a good match.

She also commented how cool it is to be "open minded". LOL!!! Basically how she's not stuck just thinking in Scn terms/rules/"scriptures". She said that she watches how Scns handle stuff and it's so stuck in just what LRH "preaches".

Her counselor has a 21 year old daughter and was amazed at how my daughter at 23 years old is so mature in comparison.

It's a happy mommy day for me.

 

[Alanzo]

I just talked to my daughter.

She started seeing a counselor last night. I'm so happy for her. And from what she said, it sounds like a good match.

She also commented how cool it is to be "open minded". LOL!!! Basically how she's not stuck just thinking in Scn terms/rules/"scriptures". She said that she watches how Scns handle stuff and it's so stuck in just what LRH "preaches".

Her counselor has a 21 year old daughter and was amazed at how my daughter at 23 years old is so mature in comparison.

It's a happy mommy day for me.

Your freedom is expanding across your "dynamics".

Gak! Sorry I used that word....

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Your freedom is expanding across your "dynamics".

Gak! Sorry I used that word....

Dynamics is fine. It gets the point across with fewer words.

What really got me was "Gak" - I haven't heard/read that word is so long, I'd nearly forgotten it. LOL!!!

Now if I could get my hubby to give up on LRH and see a counselor, that'd really be the cats meow. LOL!!!

 

[Tiger Lily]

Congratulations Mommy!

Isn't it funny how Scientologists make being open minded a bad thing?

-TL

 

[justaguy]

For those of you that had good, decent moms (not perfect, but good) - kiss them, love them, let them know how grateful you are for them.

I do, all the time.

But I think I'm going to call her right now. I treasure every day I have with her.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Congratulations Mommy!

Isn't it funny how Scientologists make being open minded a bad thing?

-TL

As much as I did lose my "open mindedness" while in the CofS, my daughter somehow got it just the same. I guess it was teaching her to question anything and everything she did not understand or agree with. Granted that made the teens years a bit difficult.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

I do, all the time.

But I think I'm going to call her right now. I treasure every day I have with her.

That is so great, Justaguy.

 

[KnightVision]

Hi Kathy,

I'm very happy for you. You are an inspiration to me any many others I suspect. It's very nice to feel you open up and be yourself.

And thank you again for your help and care. You are beautiful.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Hi Kathy,

I'm very happy for you. You are an inspiration to me any many others I suspect. It's very nice to feel you open up and be yourself.

And thank you again for your help and care. You are beautiful.

Thank, KV.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

I haven't posted here in a while.

I didn't see my counselor on the 7th, since I was on my road trip.

On the 14th we went over the "meltdown" I had while on vacation. Just another something from my childhood got stirred up.

On the 21st we went over how I'm not so happy with the one in person friend I have here in TX. I took her on my road trip with me. I had trepidations about taking her with me. Well, we haven't spoken since we got back. She did NOT say Thank You or Good-bye when I dropped her off at home the day we returned. Basically, it boils down to the fact that she doesn't initiate us getting together and I'm tired of being the one that does.

The solution my counselor and I came up with - let it ride. Do NOT email her with how I feel (potential of having my heart stomped on) and see if she initiates. I highly doubt it. She's very busy with her very dependent family.

The counseling is going well. It's just that my now life is so paralleling my childhood life. It's a bit spooky.

 

[FinallyFree]

I haven't posted here in a while.

I didn't see my counselor on the 7th, since I was on my road trip.

On the 14th we went over the "meltdown" I had while on vacation. Just another something from my childhood got stirred up.

On the 21st we went over how I'm not so happy with the one in person friend I have here in TX. I took her on my road trip with me. I had trepidations about taking her with me. Well, we haven't spoken since we got back. She did NOT say Thank You or Good-bye when I dropped her off at home the day we returned. Basically, it boils down to the fact that she doesn't initiate us getting together and I'm tired of being the one that does.

The solution my counselor and I came up with - let it ride. Do NOT email her with how I feel (potential of having my heart stomped on) and see if she initiates. I highly doubt it. She's very busy with her very dependent family.

The counseling is going well. It's just that my now life is so paralleling my childhood life. It's a bit spooky.

It can be difficult to find a friend that is the "right" kind of support, but when you do it is very helpful. I have a friend who really gets me and she is very supportive of me and my recovery. She was in a different cult so we have enough in common to understand each other but also enough differences to be interesting to each other.

Having a good friend does help. Maybe you need to find someone else to spend time with?