Been out a while...


Hello to all my ex-comrades: :clap:

Can I get a hep hep?

I first found out about Dianetics in the mid '70s but did not get in until the late '70s. I was booty-routed and did the old comm course. Then I did the old HQs course and joined staff midway through it. I had doubts from the beginning and I could never quite make it on staff wages and hours so my staff career was never very successful so I soon became public, though I helped out as a volunteer for many different projects. I went to the Portland "Religious Freedom Crusade" and helped introduce Scientology to another country, and a few other things.

I continued to have the same doubts all throughout my tenure as a member of the 'church' and looking back on it, it's as if a part of me was never really fully in.....ever, really. Though I kept trying to "fit in," so to speak; if that makes any sense. Let's put it this way, I wanted to fit in, I just never did. It was almost as if, well, have you ever had a piece of a puzzle that looks like it should go in the slot but no matter how hard you try, you can't quite square it? That's a good analogy for my situation or experience.

I remember when the Time magazine issue came out and I went ahead and read it. "The Cult of Greed and Power" was the title. It really hit home with me; especially the part about the greed. I could relate to that -as I believe a lot of Scientologists could, at the time- because I always thought that the "fees" charged for auditing were exorbitant. And I could never square (refer to above analogy) calling these fees "fixed donations." That's an oxymoron, isn't it? I mean, if it's fixed, it ain't a donation. But back to the story: I went in the org. and they were making a big deal about this magazine story trying to stop as many of the public from reading it. Needless to say, it was too late for me. I don't remember exactly what happened but the person who saw me was slightly disappointed, to say the least.

Again, thinking back, that story helped, in the sense it confirmed what I already knew but it wasn't enough to spring me out of the cult. At that point in time I was still chasing the "golden carrot" of Total Spiritual Freedom" and those awesome OT powers I'd read about in HOM and elsewhere. One of the first books I bought after DMSMH was Have You Lived Before This Life and I was ready to start, boy. I wanted to recall all my past lives and learn all I could spiritually. Funny thing is I never did. Scientologists think -I talk to a few online; probably OSA members :coolwink: - they learn so much truth & gain so much but there isn't much in the spiritual realm that one really does get IMO. I can count the truly spiritual experiences I had in Scn with the fingers of one hand. One was the Portland Crusade but that had nothing to do with the tech, itself. And the other one I'm thinking of was a session I had with the C/S from my org where I literally line charged for hrs. I could not stop laughing and/or crying no matter what. I was so filled with PURE LOVE! It was the ONLY time I felt this in Scn. I'm sure I had a couple others not as intense. I love helping others so they came along the lines of "lending a hand," and again, had nothing to do with the tech, itself. I don't want to give the wrong impression, I did have 'wins' from auditing but they're somewhat transitory and from the research I have done, what does work in Scn is that aspect that has to do with psychoanalysis or psychotherapy, as much as any Scientologist -myself included- would hate to admit AND WOULD NEVER DO ADMIT while inside the cult. Part of this is, of course, the fact that you are sitting one on one with another human being and speaking of yourself or your problems and taking a look at them, as if you were not part of them or involved in them, giving you an extroverted viewpoint we many times do not afford ourselves when we're enmeshed in a particular bad situation. You're stepping back and looking at the problem. If I may make another analogy, since I am an avid chess player, it's like when one watches a game of chess that one's not involved in, one can see the good moves and/or mistakes both players are making or not much more easily than one might if one was "in" the game.

Anyhow, and I don't know exactly what actually happened but I started to feel as if I'd never achieve what I came in to Scn to attain; it was a gradual process. Disillusioned is the word I was searching for. I was less and less confident I'd ever make it to the promised land. And they DO promise it, don't let anybody tell you different. And what's more, they DON'T deliver what they promise; one of THE most important policies in Scn, according to Hubbard. The other one, as I like to say these days, OSA does a superlative job of: "Maintain Friendly Relations With The Environment"

So by around the mid '90s I was not only somewhat disillusioned, I was not WITH Scn at all. Sure, I'd go to events and buy this book or tapes but I wasn't on staff, I wasn't on a major course and I was certainly not disseminating Scn. If the topic surfaced, yeah, I would discuss it, even promote it and once in a while I could get back some of the excitement but I knew there was something wrong and of course, I blamed myself. It was, after all "my case." It had to be, see? So I plowed along and got married and at one point I decided I should at least give my wife the opportunity to experience the marvelous jewels Scn had to offer. Sumpin' like'at. And I took her in to do a personality test, some basic courses, etc. I won't go into too much detail here cause well, I've made this a lot longer than I originally intended to. I'm like that. I envy people who can just say a couple of things and be done. I always have to write encyclopedic dissertations.

As a side note, I found out later that she was about to divorce me over Scn One fine day, after an almost real bad experience that would've been utterly devastating, I started searching the web and ran smack into all these critical websites. The first one was and then well, I'll cut to the chase here too: I read them ALL.... From top to bottom! I cleaned my plate No leftovers. I read ALL the books. You name it, I've read it. From Cyril Vosper, "The Mind Benders" to "The Road To Xenu," Jon Atack's "Piece of Blue Sky," "Messiah or Madman," "Barefaced Messiah," "Scientology: The Now Religion" I'm telling ya: ALL OF THEM! All the articles, all the blogs. I spent literally almost a year glued to the computer for from anywhere to 4-8 hrs each and everyday.
And you know what happened? Oh yes, I went P. T. S. I had to be PTS cause I go sick as a dog. And I mean runny & sniffy nose, drag my feet, feverish, don't wanna do anything, depressed sick. Really PTS. And I knew why too. It was all these BIG bad EVIL SP websites I'd been reading, no doubt. How could I be so stupid, right? WRONG! I guess I was really dumb cause I continued on (Ron did say "the way out is the way through," didn't he?

My wife told me later -cause every time she woke up or caught me reading, I'd switch the page or do anything to not let her know I was reading all this anti-Scn stuff; to use Scn jargon, she 'missed my withhold'- that secretly she hoped I'd continue; which I did. I was enthralled. I would go back and forth between sites to see if anything new had been posted and kept finding new ones, etc. I wasn't aware of ARS or this site and many others, really, that I've found out about as this is an ongoing process and project for me.
But I did reach a point when -as a bolt from the blue- it hit me! And it was most certainly a WoW moment. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I discovered MY SP! And it was none other than L. Ron -the CON- Hubbard!!! Actually I didn't get angry. I was more dumbfounded than anything. But it must have been the right WHY to use the cult, if only a little, compared to how much they used me and all of us, really; I became well. I had been sick for days, maybe weeks -I don't remember at the moment and it's not important- and all of a sudden, as fast or faster than I got sick, my cold went away and I was jumping up and down inside; once I got over the slight shock.

I mean, you have to understand -as I'm sure you all do- that this was a man I had held in the highest esteem and admiration. A man I'd looked up to and tried to emulate, if only thinking I would always come up short. After all, who could be as great, as wise and as aware than the "ole man," right? No one less than God, that is. And he was SOURCE too. Source of the technologies of Dn & Scn which is SENIOR TO LIFE as it handles all the factors of life, am I right? WRONG! I was DEAD wrong and so were all of us.

I won't go into stories about him or Scn as we can all read those on the net but suffice it to say I have read a few. From that time on, I KNEW. I was FREE!!! Free of the spell, the B/S and the whole shebang. All the mumbo jumbo and the gobbledygook. I was no longer spellbound and hypnotized by that gold colored carrot, cause now it was just orange and it was kinda wilted and not so fresh anymore. In a way, I could not believe it and there are times when I still go, what the heck was I thinking? I wasn't as badly hurt or abused as others I've read stories about. I was never in the Sea Org or so deep into the trance I would call myself brainwashed; I was never that Gung-Ho, I guess is a way to put it. I always retained a part of myself who kept quiet and went along to get along but it was always there, no matter how buried or suppressed. I'm OUT now and I have other things to worry about. My concern now is to put an end to this monstrosity it calls itself a "church" or a "religion." It is neither in my book.

I want to also say, I respect not the beliefs but the persons of all those who have chosen to continue to practice Scn outside the organization of Scn and to follow Ron. I respect all of you as human beings who do have inalienable rights, and not cause LRH said so either, and some of those rights include the practice of your religious beliefs, as well as many other rights, such as free speech, etc. I do not understand why, on the one hand but I do on the other. I'm personally trying to stay away from "belief" altogether. I use the word "think" instead cause that's what we mean a lot of the times when we say believe.

I leave you with this. On the glossary if the Route to Infinity tape series, this man's name is mentioned: Jiddu Krishnamurti. Ron very "off the cuff" (as he did a lot) says of him something along these lines: "There was a man by the name of Krishna- murti....he had an office down in L.A. somewhere..."
He refers to him as a psychiatrist if my recollection doesn't fail me. One with a theory about how one must always be in present time. Now, I know Ron not only plagiarized him too; he was trying to dead-agent him to Scientologists by calling him a psych. Yet another source Ron plagiarized and then tried to run his black propaganda on that person to dead agent them.
Wiki him (Jiddu Krishnamurti) and do so as well with Carl Jung's "Abreaction."

I leave you with a quote from Krishnamurti to show you WHY LRH did not want you finding out about him:

"I am concerning myself with only one essential thing: to set man free. I desire to free him from all cages, from all fears, and not to found religions, new sects, nor to establish new theories and new philosophies."

"This is no magnificent deed, because I do not want followers & I mean this:
The moment you follow someone you cease to follow Truth."

He disbanded the Order of the White Star [of the East] that had been set up for him by Annie Bessant & W. Ledbetter leaders of the Theosophical Society founded by madame Blavatsky (the precursor of Scn IMO) Ledbetter saw in Jiddu when he was a young man someone with an aura of selflessness or the "most wonderful aura he had ever seen, without a particle of selfishness in it" the way W.C. Ledbetter put it; who would one day become a great teacher - a Christ like figure.

Anyway, is everyone still awake? I was never declared. I simply left after my last action and never returned. It's been 4-5 yrs now. Or as they say in for 25+ yrs, FREE for five. If anyone has any questions that are not of a personal nature, I wouldn't mind answering them. Not that I think OSA has all that much free time and personnel these days but I don't wanna make it too easy on them just the same. Besides my wife knows the stories and is terrified what they might do. Neither of us put anything past them that they can do if they can get away with it.

Much Love,


PS I really want to give all the credit (not the cards this time) to LRH for his words now considered legally, religious scriptures; for it will be by them that the cult will hang and it was through them and by reading between the lines that played a big part in my breaking the spell. So can we give a hand to LRH one last time.
Thank you for "listening."


Bardo Tulpa
I know what you mean about all of a sudden waking up!

I woke up and for over a year pretended I was still a Scientologist, just to observe them around me and see the programming at work through new eyes.

It was surreal.


Tiger Lily

Gold Meritorious Patron
:welcome: XenuEtrawls! It's great to have you here.

Thanks for telling your story. I can relate to a lot of that myself, --I remember when I first discovered the "anti" sites. . . I was insatiable just like you. I didn't cook dinner for my family or do laundry or anything. . . .but I was hiding what I was doing from my (non-scn) hubby because I didn't want him to know that he'd been right all along. :duh:

There were some people discussing the Portland thing on another thread a while back -- I think it was called "Short people" -- but some people who had been there were talking about it. You might want to look it up.

You will find a lot of support here -- it's a great group. Glad you came over!



Gold Meritorious Patron
Great post! Thank-you and welcome to the board. It's quite an amazing experience, discovering what's on the internet, isn't it?



Rogue male
Welcome Xenu. Thanks for your first post, as first posts go it was a beauty!:thumbsup:

I see that you are a very thorough person with your 'reading assignment'!

Errrr .... hep hep!

Woggin' out

Patron with Honors
Know what you mean friend

Thanks for your story Xenu Etwarls!
I Know what you mean. Last year around this time I got sick as hell when I first hit the net :hankie: :puke2: (It was like the flu or something for 6 weeks). But I'm all cheery now and no longer PTS to the CO$! :sp:


Welcome XE - Happy to have you here. :thumbsup:

Not so looking forward to seeing your ugly scary avatar about the place ( :run: ), but looking forward to getting to know ya. :)



Gold Meritorious Patron
:welcome: XE

Don't worry too much about OSA these days, they're having too much trouble keeping up with the refund/repayment requests I'd say :coolwink:

Love to hear more of your story when you have time :drama:

EP - Ethics Particle

Gold Meritorious Patron
Hey XET!

Dear XET,

You have saved me the effort of writing MY story! :ohmy: The parallels are totally astounding :omg: :yes: I mean that in all candor and seriousness. The only real difference is that I never became ill or had any physical stuff happen during the self-extrication process. :confused2:

Thank you so much for the splendid "CSW" :D :melodramatic: :thumbsup: :clap:

This is OK!:eyeroll: