born in, 33 years later..

philTmonx

Patron
hello and thank you for the space. I found it on ESK, i have learked around there for a while, read and reread the stories.. Im enamored with those girls, they are close to my age, yet have more strength in ways than I can muster for myself... I felt compelled to post here as it seems rather active, and well that would be the point if i were going to interact on the subject online. I have been off put by alot sites about the church etc, frankly it is easy to get enturbulated and dismiss others, for me at least, that i dont belive have an understanding of the experience. Yes, Im sure that from the outside it may be easy to laugh and talk trash to the point of attacking and humiliating those involved. This is why i choose to speak here, thank you, I feel safe..
I will work on my part to share my own experience, but for now want to thank all the constructive participants here. This is very difficult to confront, and I do know why. as some others here, I was born into scientology, home birthed to staff members the whole 9.. Its been 2 years for me from my disconnect letters from my father and his family, and Ive been a blow from pts1 audit for 7 years. My mother attested clear in 79 a year after my birth. I have have alot i need to cycle out, but im very conflicted. my fathers family, wife and 2 kids are connected to powers for the church.
I am hurt and I feel disrespected by the org and its practices. I am very gratful for having been raised as I was, it did help me to develope myself into my current being, would I wish it on any other, NO. This is not an attack on the church, I mean my home enviroments and choices made by parents etc. I do belive that there is great data there, but as with any religion, any man who blindly follows an other without question is a fool or slave. I do belive as with any group there are zelots.
At the exact same time, I feel guilt for the greater good. I want to talk, to comm cycle what is on my mind and heart, at the same time THAT IS THE EFFFING PROBLEM.. its frusterating, i want to yell out for help, but cant.. As much as I need that for me, it kills me that in doing so, others will suffer. I am not vindictive or malicious, I am ethical and good.. if others belive Im a suppresive, then I may well be. I am not as far as I know declared, but after my last few rounds with Brian the head reg at celebcentrral, I would not be shocked..
My reason for not yelling from the hills is not fear of being declared, but rather that my family will continue to pay penance for my choices.. I know writing me those letters hurt them as much me.. unlike most staff, my family are for the first time in their lives making good livings, they as i said are connected to a power and as such are paid well, and woking sci hours get that good good overtime(not orger diet no more)... I fear them loosing their jobs.. I fear that my choices would cause them harm and suffering from what they hold so dear and close.
I do have friends, but I dont share, I do not wish to burden anyone.. I belive that was well ingrained along with the at cause at all times. The idea that you are responsable for everythig that happens to you is alot to carry as a kid, and it is the reason I am so independent and dotn ask for help..
Ill work on putting something worth a read together, and appologise for the blert...
but you know what it felt damn good, so thanks for that
I have always loved the WOG world, and am proud to be able to be one of the ordinary working and at times a gentleman. :squirrel:
lovesphilth...
 

Sindy

Crusader
Welcome. Relax. Come stay a while. :heartflower::rose::welcome2: It's all gonna be good. You don't have to solve it all at the same time. :hug: Thanks for sharing your story.
 

philTmonx

Patron
thank you Synthia, and good gawd, i hope not.. its bean an internal battle for a good 20 years.. but thats the first statment ive commited to about it.. so yes it will be all good.. :yes:
 

Kutta

Silver Meritorious Patron
Welcome PhilT. Your post touched me; I could feel the hurt and conflicts that you speak of. I hope that in time these will become easier for you.
:heartflower::handinhand::bighug:
I salute your bravery for having the courage to step away despite the difficulties it has brought. We shall do our best to help any way we can. Just writing about your experiences, past and present will surely help.
 

Ogsonofgroo

Crusader
:welcome:


Um, what church? All most see here is/was an illusion afaics. :p

Too bad you still have folks in, I know that must really suck, but ya know, be true to yourself, nothing some old rotten mental degenerate like LRon should have power over any of you.
and, thats a fact jack!

Enjoy your stay and read read read, ya have some catching up to do I be thinkin' :)

:cheers:

edit> And sorry if you take the above as a personal afront, not meant to be. its just that I place the blame entirely on the head of a deadman because, hell, if he hadn't created such a greaty con-job, you wouldn't have a conundrum to begin with. That you still find value in some of the data, okay, there are a few here who feel similarly, I am not one of them obviously, don;t take it personally man.
 
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philTmonx

Patron
I appreciate the first 3 comments, the forth above me is a demented narsasitc ass.. seriously, LRH never has had any power over me.. not even mentioned in my post. it is and always has been an internal issue for myself about my own family situation.. whatever others choices are, I do have the right to respect them, and you know what my guy, if I choose to endure my own feelings of upset respectful of others, yes it dose make me empathetic, you seem pathetic, so I win....but also good to see you are one of the exact types i mention prior, oh well can't win em all.. you do sound like you might have some issues of your own, please do not extrovert your own issues onto me. feel free to comment about anything i write, but your implications are the liberties you take for me to laugh at... I was born and raised in an enviroment, and it never affected change in my life as it was always there.. it is a part of my life, that will not change. I made no selective choice of hey that sounds interesting.. I personaly was not even really aware of there was anything but normal life going on till i was about 13.. and that was because of the amount of black pr out..so please take it kind and easy. if not please know I reserve my right to compleatly freek the fug out on you.
 

philTmonx

Patron
I can not blame the church org or whatever for for others choices.. if they are at cause then it would not matter what they were told or directed to do. but just as i am not my body, and I know this as true, the current state of the og is not the data nor is it lrh.. its just that data, now a wise person would never flatly dismiss anything, we can always learn, good bad or indifferance.. you choose ignorance...
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Good to see another 'born in' person here, there are a few around, welcome.

There are many issues to sort out, take it slow and say what you need to and ask what you were probably never allowed to.

I am also from a scientology family (4 generations) so I have some understanding of what you are going through. There is little worse than being disowned and in fact blackmailed for fear of hurting your family, not because you are not loved, but because a "church" says so. One day this won't happen anymore and in the meantime we need to find friendship and support elsewhere. ESMB is a good place to start.

One thing I still struggle with myself and have almost got over is that idea that you are 'cause' and responsible for everything that happens to you. It is indeed a burden and there have been some good discussions on this. Once you find yourself apart from the group image of who you 'should' be, it does get easier.

Don't freak when someone says critical thing about Hubbard, that happens a lot here. It is not personal and I know as a child you had no choice, you just lived the life as it was, as I did. Now is when you can get more information and make your own way and choices.

If you want to remain anonymous, be careful of mentioning names, places and times. Other than that, look forward to your story.
 

philTmonx

Patron
thanks ep..
free to shine, thank you very much.. I dont harbor facinations with lrh.. my upset was an insinuation that some dead dude is responsible for my state seems like blame and scapegoating. as weird crazy wrong whatever any "church" may be, the actions of its followers are theirs alone, thats my conundrum.. but anywho, excited to have a place to voice, Ill shut it up now, and return with some of my stories.. but thank you for the advice and perspecive.
 

Lurker5

Gold Meritorious Patron
:welcome2: PhilT, :wave: There are all kinds on this board, and we all speak our minds, in a respectful way, I hope. But opinions do differ. Tolerance goes both ways. I don't think anyone here is going to attack you, but they may go after scno/co$/lrh/dm.

You are one of us now. There are those here of like-mind as you. You can relate to them. Ignore those who offend your senses

That said, I am sorry for your torment - for your family.
It is a dichotomy.

Life is good. Enjoy :wink2:


:wave:
 

Vittorio

Patron Meritorious
thanks ep..
free to shine, thank you very much.. I dont harbor facinations with lrh.. my upset was an insinuation that some dead dude is responsible for my state seems like blame and scapegoating. as weird crazy wrong whatever any "church" may be, the actions of its followers are theirs alone, thats my conundrum.. but anywho, excited to have a place to voice, Ill shut it up now, and return with some of my stories.. but thank you for the advice and perspecive.

Best of luck with the choices you make in life, it may seem hard now, but further down the line, things should, hopefully, get easier.

No group has the right to monopolise people's spirituality and memories. It is YOUR decision what journey in life is right for you. Some people believe that the path they are following is the only way because they do not know of any other path.
 

philTmonx

Patron
lurker5 thank you right on point.. trouble, thank you as well, I do need the place to speak. as for ogsonofagoober please, they want to voice something let them speak for self..
 

philTmonx

Patron
ogsonofagoober, on attempt 2 still read like an ass..
"And sorry if you take the above as a personal afront, not meant to be."
ok then why was it a direct response to my introduction... would suggest it was directed at me..
"its just that I place the blame entirely on the head of a deadman because, hell, if he hadn't created such a greaty con-job, you wouldn't have a conundrum to begin with."
really, are you mentaly challendged??? Yeah lets all blame the devil cause he made us do it... grow up, be responsable... if any would be its those that buy the koolaid...

"That you still find value in some of the data, okay, there are a few here who feel similarly, I am not one of them obviously, don;t take it personally man." yes i totaly get that about you.. I never implied that the data was right, i did say that as with anything, its good to take a look at all perspectives, AND THEN USE THAT TO FORM YOUR OWN. example, If you have experiance with the data and dont agree with it, and it is part of the reason you are averted to the org, wouldnt the Data be of value to your choice???

to flatly dismiss anything and say its all worthless flatly and outright, and dont look at the data.. sound exactly like what you complain about the org.. so yes the data is of value good bad whatever. most impotant is to keep eyes open and make your own conclusions. we are innundated with information all day long... ogsonofabooooger its not what anyman says to you that runs you, its your inturpritation of it.. if you blame others for the cause of ruin in your life, youll stay stuck. the reason I know it hurt my fathers family so much to write me off, was because they were conflicted as well... but in the real world their only conflict was with self... sorry the dead dude did not make them choose to do anything, implication aint nada but fodder for the meak....
 
welcome...

you've come to the right place

you'll probably find some old acquaintances here.

relax, don't worry about causing your family problems, unless you are directly attacking the "church" they are relatively laissez-faire these days as there are so many of us and we have such ability to communicate
 
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