Chicken Joe in the Cauldron

[clamicide]

Quick clarification

I realized I haven't really said this. One of the reasons (in addition to being just burnt out) that I quit writing this, was that the stuff that happened really doesn't mean much to me anymore. I have gone over it and such. I do want the record to be there, though. What I mean by still having so much stuff left from the cult, is just the after-effects. I don't think about what specifically happened at all very much anymore.

For someone who was 'in' for so long, and had done some auditor training, the concept of PTSD was something that took me a long time to come to grips with and realize that it was valid and what I have been dealing with. As a Scio, you have to "knock off any case", so the entire concept was just weird to me. I simply wasn't "making it go right" by being all fucked up. Unfortunately, the experiences in the cult sort of rewired me. That is very real to me, and it's not all back and straight, yet. That's what I deal with--the sort of malfunction that is improving over time, but still kills me. I no longer have daily flashbacks...no longer have several nightmares every single night. But, I do unnaturally react with terror at times--don't know how to talk to others at times--wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with my heart pounding, in a panic on the verge of tears for no apparent reason--dissociate to the point where things are completely unreal. I don't dwell on what happened anymore, but I am still working on not reacting to things as I did when the cult was my master.

 

[Lurker5]

Oh the incredible

This is where it gets really hard. This is where it truly starts to suck. Because I look back at this time and I just see that part of me KNEW it was insane. Yet, I continued on for years. The child I gave birth to here has now disconnected from me. I listened to the idiocy, and thought I was saving his eternity. He won't talk to me now...what an awesome legacy. I taught him well. I was going to post more of my story, but I don't think I'm up to it after all. I'll plug on and get on with it another day. Just not this day.

Oh the incredible sadness, here, Clammie. I am crying again . . .

 

[Good twin]

Clammi it's so good that you are getting real help now. It's really quite a relief to find out that we/they AREN'T the experts on the mind. There are actual professionals out there.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Hun.

 

[Lurker5]

Oh Clammie

Oh Clammie, you are one of the strongest and bravest Souls I have ever had the pleasure of 'bumping into' - in my whole life. You have truly led an extraodinary life . . . And I mean that in such a good way. You are extraordinary. You went into Hell - and you SURVIVED - and got out - and can tell about it.

You are giving to others in a most unconditional way - helping others. That is a high calling, Clammie, and you are doing it. You did it with your story, laid out bare - your Soul laid out bare, here. Thank you. A million thanks.

Keep doing what you are doing, and keep LIVING, Clammie - that is the best revenge. Keep on telling it - expose the insidious evil - make it powerless in the face of reality. Embrace your beautiful Soul. You are loved -

 

[Free to shine]

You already know how I feel about your story and I appreciate you putting down in words those feelings and events that are sometimes hard to define. I think this is the most valuable thing about our stories, because they can remind others of things they experienced as well, and didn't register that something was a major signpost/road bump that got buried beneath tons of bullshit. Each and every new bit of awareness is a step in the right direction.

 

[FoTi]

Clammie - thanks so much for telling more of your story. Please keep telling more. Good on blowing the charge off your shoulders.

I think the more you tell, the more will blow off of you and help to straighten out stuff for you.

 

[Touchstone]

Thank you for telling your story. I hope you will continue to tell it in your own way at your own pace.
Telling the truth can be such a powerful, healing, and subversive act.

 

[clamicide]

It finally happened.........

I've waited several days to post this...because, I seriously just was afraid to believe it. But....*phew*.... I actually finally felt like "me" again. For the first time in (it seems like) eons.

It even survived a volunteer gig where I was working with tons of hyper school kids, and some people working it that were beyond cranky.... and it was just...fine! I have found myself and my center again... (ewwwwwwww, I really don't like those words). And part of it has been working on some crazy (and I thought STUPID) exercises in a voice/diction elective that actually released a whole lot of body memory. I had NO idea how horribly the hours and hours of TRs and assists had affected me. Yes, they helped in some ways, but releasing all the !$@# that I had no idea had been pinning me down from doing them was insane. And...I had an acting prof who just helped bring me back to life with just talking to me a bit... I had to throw away acting in going back to Scientology...and, the bitch is BACK!!!

It's just odd...I had missed the "wins" from Scio when I got out. And, it seemed like it was all awesome...but there was just something "off". Seriously...I look at it, and it is almost like what I hear manics talk about when they have episodes...not quite...for me...it was almost a touch delusional. Yeah...it felt awesome...yeah..I had such "insight". But...it just wasn't......... I don't know. I just know that THIS (what is happening now) is.

It's weird to be finally alive again. I was going to post about my Objectives, but seriously, I just feel too damn good right now. I never thought I'd see this day. I was on film yesterday in class...and I actually felt like I was "home". It was electric without all that mystical 'omfg my tone arm is floating' bullshit. It's very hard to put into subjective words the difference between those out-there-amazing esoteric wins, and this. It's so odd...because this is technically more mundane, but it's so much more enjoyable, and I know it's not going to flitter away. I don't know if I would have arrived here without this board. I know I'll still go through more, but this sense of stability and self is just....you know what? I'm just going to shut up

and I'll talk about objectives in a day or two

 

[FoTi]

I've waited several days to post this...because, I seriously just was afraid to believe it. But....*phew*.... I actually finally felt like "me" again. For the first time in (it seems like) eons.

It even survived a volunteer gig where I was working with tons of hyper school kids, and some people working it that were beyond cranky.... and it was just...fine! I have found myself and my center again... (ewwwwwwww, I really don't like those words). And part of it has been working on some crazy (and I thought STUPID) exercises in a voice/diction elective that actually released a whole lot of body memory. I had NO idea how horribly the hours and hours of TRs and assists had affected me. Yes, they helped in some ways, but releasing all the !$@# that I had no idea had been pinning me down from doing them was insane. And...I had an acting prof who just helped bring me back to life with just talking to me a bit... I had to throw away acting in going back to Scientology...and, the bitch is BACK!!!

It's just odd...I had missed the "wins" from Scio when I got out. And, it seemed like it was all awesome...but there was just something "off". Seriously...I look at it, and it is almost like what I hear manics talk about when they have episodes...not quite...for me...it was almost a touch delusional. Yeah...it felt awesome...yeah..I had such "insight". But...it just wasn't......... I don't know. I just know that THIS (what is happening now) is.

It's weird to be finally alive again. I was going to post about my Objectives, but seriously, I just feel too damn good right now. I never thought I'd see this day. I was on film yesterday in class...and I actually felt like I was "home". It was electric without all that mystical 'omfg my tone arm is floating' bullshit. It's very hard to put into subjective words the difference between those out-there-amazing esoteric wins, and this. It's so odd...because this is technically more mundane, but it's so much more enjoyable, and I know it's not going to flitter away. I don't know if I would have arrived here without this board. I know I'll still go through more, but this sense of stability and self is just....you know what? I'm just going to shut up

and I'll talk about objectives in a day or two

This is wonderful news, Clammi! I'm very happy for you.

 

[LongTimeGone]

Good for you Clami.
Your writing reminds me of just how long it took me to recover.
Dreams about being back in Scientology would have me waking in a cold sweat and it took years to get through that. I cannot put into words, my feelings about the months of heartache, self recriminations and feelings of hopelessness and absolute stupidity that had hold of me so accutely. I think I hated myself for a long time. I blamed myself entirely for everything that I had put myself and my family through. It wasn't until I had my life back in order, a very good job, money in the bank and a mortgage we could afford on a home that we loved, that I was able to forgive myself and the organization that had tried to destroy us. Mind you, I had the help of some great friends along the way. Real friends, not the 'friends' in the Co$ who are only there when they need you, not when you need them. Boy did I harbour some evil intentions towards the cult for a long time. They can consider themselves very lucky that I didn't follow through on some of my diabolical plans. D.

 

[Tiger Lily]

Fascinating . . . when you're ready I really want to hear about your objectives -- I actually do think I have an idea what you're talking about with the difference between the high of really living vs. the "manufactured" high of the "blow out releases", but I'd like to hear your description; I already feel better personally reading what you wrote so far. I've felt kid of "dead" myself since Scientology -- I chalked it up to loss of hope and shattered dreams, but your post has me thinking it may be more.

I'm so very happy for you that you're able to be "high on life" -- what an amazing breakthrough. I hope those moments come fast and furious for you now!

 

[clamicide]

*sigh*

So what can I tell you...if life's the length of this play...perhaps God gave the answers...to those with nothing to say....

That's a line from one of my all-time favorite bands: Savatage.

It's been a hell of a week. From a point when I felt nobody would give me a chance...suddenly I am getting tons of people who see that I've been working my butt off. In the past two days, I've just had even more stuff happen. It means choices..it means...decisions. And I never had that in the cult. The funny thing was (actually, very NOT funny) I could not believe it to the point where I actually went back to sleep-walking/talking/eating. Hasn't happened in a long time. So...need to move on. My son said I sleep-called him...and I haven't done that in a LONG time (when I used to get stressed, I somehow managed to call people while I was asleep and....it's just weird)

So...it just brings me back to where I've been. That really, having people notice that I'm working my ass off, and instead of just going *yeah*---OK, that's that week...what's your battleplan for this week? And I should not be stressing out or waiting to get nailed. I'm finally battling "normal" things, like "should I change my major" or "fuck, my roomie is an idiot who brings home guys that hit on me .......*shudder*". It's not I WILL DIE IF MY PC REDTAGS. My ETERNITY is at stake if I miss this pc's withhold....

So....back, once upon a time. I was down again for my CCRD. In usual Scio bullshit, I was sold the CCRD. Set-ups? Oh...yeah. Thank fricking hell I had an awesome vocabulary and an auditor who could deal with me spitting out definitions, so the initial hatting (again) wasn't taking too many hours, but I was pissed at having to do all this. Why the fuck couldn't this be done at my local org as a staff member? I remember the A to J check (uh, hadn't I done like 20 already?)...and (I think it's now bullshit), but actually, I should have failed, because in my later auditor training, I realized that my auditor accepted a Q and A on a question, whicht f/ned. I never f/ned on the question. Whatever.

Partway through the initial setups, I got sick as a dog. I'm staying at the Manor, back when there were a bunch of bunks. I'm 6 or 7 months pregnant and I am up all night puking my guts out. People in the room are pissed off. Yeah...I'm downstat or whatever because I'm sick as a dog. I'm actually quite frightened. I'm uncomfortable here. There's just something kind of odd about the Manor to me...and I'm just sicker than I have been in years. I want to go home. I miss my husband. I want to call ASHO, but somewhere I get the idea that if I don't report it until the morning, they will have more time to repair the redtag. And I'm STRONGLY admonished to figure out how to be sessionable so that I don't crash the stats. So, I'm sick...puking every half an hour, but have to figure out how to sleep enough to get a metab so that I am not responsible for destroying the org's stats. Yeah. I clutch my pillow and cling to ideas of making it go right. I have a bunch of chicks in my room telling me how much I will be hated if I am not sessionable in the morning, and basically, I want to crawl into a hole and die.

and, I meant to finish this, but I got interrupted (somebody find me a fricking studio so I NEVER have to live with a roommate again) and I have a midterm I have to do tomorrow (yeah, I have an online midterm on Sunday). And Love Actually is on, which sounds lovely to fall asleep to.

TBC

 

[AngeloV]

Wow.

The thing that strikes me most about your story is the total lack of empathy by other scios when you are in pain. 'Downstats' are shunned, especially when they need emotional support the most. Terrible.

Glad you are out.

 

[Tiger Lily]

Wow.

The thing that strikes me most about your story is the total lack of empathy by other scios when you are in pain. 'Downstats' are shunned, especially when they need emotional support the most. Terrible.

Glad you are out.

Yeah, that hit me too -- the natural human response if someone is sick is to want to help them -- make chicken soup or rub their back or whatever. . . but "sympathy" is very "low toned" and any self-respecting Scientologist would never display that emotion. . . and possibly are programmed to not even feel it.

It's a very concrete example of the brainwashing that any individual needs must be sacrificed for the group.

Clami it sounds like your life is really going somewhere now and I'm glad that people are noticing your hard work. Keep it up!

 

[R2-45]

clamicide:

I am moved to tell you, I just read this post nonstop from the beginning.
I shed tears more than once. Some were tears of joy; others were tears of empathy; some were more complex and difficult to categorize.

I am a cold-hearted ex staff clam, who, like you, also have spent time on the street as a result of disconnect. Such an experience of empathy to the point of tears is rare for me. In fact, I was concerned that I might never experience empathy truly and deeply enough again for tears -- for years after leaving.

I have not yet posted my story; I haven't found guts enough to do so. I wanted to let you know that I deeply appreciate your courage and I am impressed with your skill at imagery with words. I will always recall this reading and feel that it has moved me a bit closer to being able to write my version.

Thank you for speaking out. Best wishes to you.

Of course, I would certainly like to hear more of your compelling story as you care to reveal it.

 

[Lurker5]

Both of you

 

[Enthetan]

Yeah, that hit me too -- the natural human response if someone is sick is to want to help them -- make chicken soup or rub their back or whatever. . . but "sympathy" is very "low toned" and any self-respecting Scientologist would never display that emotion. . . and possibly are programmed to not even feel it.

It's a very concrete example of the brainwashing that any individual needs must be sacrificed for the group.

Clami it sounds like your life is really going somewhere now and I'm glad that people are noticing your hard work. Keep it up!

"Sympathy" is a big no-no that had to be stomped out at an early stage. It can lead to bad things like Scns deciding to stick up for people who are being abused by senior execs.

 

[Arthur Dent]

clamicide:

I am moved to tell you, I just read this post nonstop from the beginning.
I shed tears more than once. Some were tears of joy; others were tears of empathy; some were more complex and difficult to categorize.

I am a cold-hearted ex staff clam, who, like you, also have spent time on the street as a result of disconnect. Such an experience of empathy to the point of tears is rare for me. In fact, I was concerned that I might never experience empathy truly and deeply enough again for tears -- for years after leaving.

I have not yet posted my story; I haven't found guts enough to do so. I wanted to let you know that I deeply appreciate your courage and I am impressed with your skill at imagery with words. I will always recall this reading and feel that it has moved me a bit closer to being able to write my version.

Thank you for speaking out. Best wishes to you.

Of course, I would certainly like to hear more of your compelling story as you care to reveal it.

Welcome R2-45!
The harshness of the cult melts like butter when you start typing. The words escape the former prison of your mind and the truth appears clearly and gently. Just start...pick a segment and write the truth about it. Guaranteed tears, laughter, release of lies and recovery. I'm looking forward to your story.

 

[Free to shine]

clamicide:

I am moved to tell you, I just read this post nonstop from the beginning.
I shed tears more than once. Some were tears of joy; others were tears of empathy; some were more complex and difficult to categorize.

I am a cold-hearted ex staff clam, who, like you, also have spent time on the street as a result of disconnect. Such an experience of empathy to the point of tears is rare for me. In fact, I was concerned that I might never experience empathy truly and deeply enough again for tears -- for years after leaving.

I have not yet posted my story; I haven't found guts enough to do so. I wanted to let you know that I deeply appreciate your courage and I am impressed with your skill at imagery with words. I will always recall this reading and feel that it has moved me a bit closer to being able to write my version.

Thank you for speaking out. Best wishes to you.

Of course, I would certainly like to hear more of your compelling story as you care to reveal it.

I know what you mean, and the stories of others who have walked the fine line are often the key to unlocking our own squished and squashed emotions. This thread in particular, as Clammy has a way of writing about the nitty gritty as it was and is, is a great help. It takes courage to put this stuff out there and to me it also shows a great deal of integrity.

When you write your own story it can be an emotional journey, don't be put off by that....experience the emotions as they come and let them go - and they really do go! There is no hurry, deadline, requirements or censoring and that in itself is a joy.

Good on you Clammy and do well R2-45.

 

[clamicide]

Memories of ASHO---no funny title

I don't get around here like I used to. I cannot get worked up about the fights and the drama. I don't know if it's good or bad.

I think the M&M camp is ......well, I'm not a fan. I've recently been feeling spurred on to continue this story for some reason. Part of it is that I have moved on in many ways past this, but there are moments when something hits me out of the blue and I swear I've been cut down to the bone and am floundering--there are moments when I'm back in cult mindfuck, and it ain't pretty.

Memories of ASHO started haunting me recently. That's where I attested to Clear. There is just something about that atmosphere that is being triggered with things currently going on. It's odd. I just felt electrified, but also had warning bells going off when I went down there. The thing was, I assumed that the 'warning bells' were case. I know this isn't much, but I'm kind of posting this to make myself accountable; I want to commit in writing that I'm going to finish out my story....it's something I need to do.