Chicken Joe in the Cauldron
- Thread starter clamicide
- Start date
Dilettante
Patron Meritorious
oh my my my
clamicide
Gold Meritorious Patron
In some ways the more I walk away from the cult, the closer I feel to it. I had started to post about how I was thinking about ASHO, and then the board went down, and honestly, even the format change was too much for me to handle. Every time I went down to LA...there was a part of me that just felt it was so unreal...so strange, and part of me that really craved being a part of it. Weren't these the people who were the ones I'd been looking for my entire life? I'd always felt outside...and then I met folks in the cult who also gave a damn...those who also were looking for deeper meaning. And no, this wasn't Flag (oh, I hoped I'd be there someday), but this WAS the elite on the West coast.
One of the things I distinctly remember from my trips was Celebrity Centre. I always had this hidden passion to be an actor, and I actually invalidated all of it it many ways after visiting there. I was so throwing myself into Scientology dictating who I was, that I figured if nobody at CC noticed me as an artist, then surely, I wasn't one. I never craved attention and notice more than when I set foot into that lobby. I thought all the OTs there would see I was an artist, if I actually was one. I grew up on the old Hollywood discovery stories, so I assumed, that if someone deserved to be discovered, then, if you set foot into CC, then they would either spur you into your career or realize you had nothing. I was that far gone.
I wanted them to accept me. Actually, later, a reg at CC who knew I had no money just spent time and told me I was an artist. Unfortunately I listened to the 'majority'.
I was another person when I'd go down to LA (well, hiding and praying I would be seen as the person I thought I might be)....I was the slave when I was at my org...and when I went down there, I always hoped someone would recognize me for who I thought I actually was. I wanted to believe it was only my home org that didn't 'get it'...this place was closer to source. This place had more OTs. The fact that they didn't see me as something...well, I guess it really meant I was nothing after all.
And back to the first sentence...I'm nowhere in great shape, YET
but, as things move on in my own life, I gravitate back here and am finding out things that I have extreme ideas on.... tales are being woven around places and people I have known. It's a jump back and forth... the more I extricate myself from my own mind-fuck, the more I hope I'll come back in some way and meet some of those folks that I met back then again... I need more time away each time it seems, but it is also exponential growth.
In many ways, I'm still in the cult--but now, I'm at least fighting it, if not always out loud. I actually fucked up in improv today (WAIT, there are NO mistakes in improv
) because I had all those who are still in, or who died on my heart when the bit we were doing went into aliens...and I brought the Scientology and Tom Cruise. It wasn't funny, because it was personal. I felt the dead air. It was not the best move, but I just hated everyone who is pushing the cult line in that moment, it was all I could think about and bring to the table--and it came out.
I hate the blue buildings. I get physical reactions sometimes just thinking of them. There are people that I loved that are still there--not necessarily AT PAC, but, 'there' nonetheless. There are others that I loved that I know have blown, but don't know if/when we will reconnect. And that's sad even that I said 'loved', like I'm trying to push it into the past.
I fucking love that I'm actually studying acting. I haven't progressed my story here really (oops), but one thing that came up while writing this was how much they tried to kill that...I wasn't a hot Hollywood prospect who could become an OL...so, it was 'other fish to fry'. It's insane for me to be studying acting right now...seriously...but, I "did the right thing" in the cult for so long, that I'm really thinking of reworking how I approach my future.... Look for my 'kickstarter' soon lol--uh, j/k.
I'm not sure how others just fully turn their back on their cult experience. Maybe it didn't cut them like it cut me, and they don't have people they left behind. Right now the sine wave periods are extending...but, they keep coming back to (omg...yeah,I'm totally becoming a math geek...
I want to delete it, but, I'm also tickled that in total emotion thing I went all mathy and weird).
One of the things I distinctly remember from my trips was Celebrity Centre. I always had this hidden passion to be an actor, and I actually invalidated all of it it many ways after visiting there. I was so throwing myself into Scientology dictating who I was, that I figured if nobody at CC noticed me as an artist, then surely, I wasn't one. I never craved attention and notice more than when I set foot into that lobby. I thought all the OTs there would see I was an artist, if I actually was one. I grew up on the old Hollywood discovery stories, so I assumed, that if someone deserved to be discovered, then, if you set foot into CC, then they would either spur you into your career or realize you had nothing. I was that far gone.
I wanted them to accept me. Actually, later, a reg at CC who knew I had no money just spent time and told me I was an artist. Unfortunately I listened to the 'majority'.
I was another person when I'd go down to LA (well, hiding and praying I would be seen as the person I thought I might be)....I was the slave when I was at my org...and when I went down there, I always hoped someone would recognize me for who I thought I actually was. I wanted to believe it was only my home org that didn't 'get it'...this place was closer to source. This place had more OTs. The fact that they didn't see me as something...well, I guess it really meant I was nothing after all.
And back to the first sentence...I'm nowhere in great shape, YET
but, as things move on in my own life, I gravitate back here and am finding out things that I have extreme ideas on.... tales are being woven around places and people I have known. It's a jump back and forth... the more I extricate myself from my own mind-fuck, the more I hope I'll come back in some way and meet some of those folks that I met back then again... I need more time away each time it seems, but it is also exponential growth. In many ways, I'm still in the cult--but now, I'm at least fighting it, if not always out loud. I actually fucked up in improv today (WAIT, there are NO mistakes in improv
) because I had all those who are still in, or who died on my heart when the bit we were doing went into aliens...and I brought the Scientology and Tom Cruise. It wasn't funny, because it was personal. I felt the dead air. It was not the best move, but I just hated everyone who is pushing the cult line in that moment, it was all I could think about and bring to the table--and it came out.I hate the blue buildings. I get physical reactions sometimes just thinking of them. There are people that I loved that are still there--not necessarily AT PAC, but, 'there' nonetheless. There are others that I loved that I know have blown, but don't know if/when we will reconnect. And that's sad even that I said 'loved', like I'm trying to push it into the past.
I fucking love that I'm actually studying acting. I haven't progressed my story here really (oops), but one thing that came up while writing this was how much they tried to kill that...I wasn't a hot Hollywood prospect who could become an OL...so, it was 'other fish to fry'. It's insane for me to be studying acting right now...seriously...but, I "did the right thing" in the cult for so long, that I'm really thinking of reworking how I approach my future.... Look for my 'kickstarter' soon lol--uh, j/k.
I'm not sure how others just fully turn their back on their cult experience. Maybe it didn't cut them like it cut me, and they don't have people they left behind. Right now the sine wave periods are extending...but, they keep coming back to (omg...yeah,I'm totally becoming a math geek...
I want to delete it, but, I'm also tickled that in total emotion thing I went all mathy and weird).
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paradox
ab intra silentio vera
(omg...yeah,I'm totally becoming a math geek...
Keep writin' clammi, ath needful.
Follow your blith. (jotheph campbell)
And, above all, remember ... [a] thetan hath no math.
clamicide
Gold Meritorious Patron
Keep writin' clammi, ath needful.
Follow your blith. (jotheph campbell)
And, above all, remember ... [a] thetan hath no math.
awwww, kewl, does that mean I graduated from 'thetan-hood', cuz this chick now HAS MATH, and is really digging it :wink2:
paradox
ab intra silentio vera
I reckon so! A mathy chick.
Btw, I just love your sig line; cracks me up every time I see it. I think it's the best one around.
"I joined a religion started by a science fiction writer that used a double cross as its symbol, and then they tried to sell me a bridge.....what could have possibly gone wrong? :confused2: "
Brilliant! and
clamicide
Gold Meritorious Patron
clamicide
Gold Meritorious Patron
Oh, I've missed ya GT...somehow I missed your reply. 
.
I've been very sick lately...it has been coming and going. And I finally got smart enough to go to a counselor at my school that I've seen before. I just totally broke down. There was no way I could continue at the pace I was going and come out OK physically with the illness. It'd been SO long since I felt so useless. I had also recently had PTSD stuff come up (which I might address in the next entry), and I STILL could not come to grips with the idea that it might be OK...a normal reaction. I just almost wanted to kill myself because I thought I was lazy or weak because I just could not make it right now. She's a no-BS person, and hell, she just sort of laid out how I wasn't lazy--and yeah, I was dealing with PTSD and illness, and she has seen how hard I'm working. It's hard to swallow. Failure in the cult is a lower condition...and it just brought me back to my story.
There are things such as triggers and stuff like restim that he-who-shall-not-be-named talked about. That stuff has been around before him, and will be there forever, because there is something to it. I have been having moments where I am reminded of ASHO. The funny thing is, now, I can see the dissociation that I felt down there. It felt weird...but, it was a 'key-out'--or so I told myself.
My Objectives were bizarre to me. I'd try like hell to make them 'bite', but I'd just have cogs. I went through the whole "give me that hand" a few times before I spit out what I felt on pretty much the third command... I didn't give him my hand and he asked "What happened" (or whatever the fuck the rote command was) and I said....something like "Well, I was just wondering if we were both Tone-40, who would win? I'm thinking I can control my own body when I want..." So, yeah, what the fuck do you do with that? It was pretty damn real to me, and they hadn't been 'run in'. Most of the Objectives were like that...but, then, before, Scio, I had spent years in dance and sports...I had a damn awesome batting average, and when I wanted to, I could be 'in present time' like the dickens. I could totally fricking be there and react as needed without any outside BS. Like I said, Objectives were weird.
Then came the infamous Op Pro by Dup. I hated that fucker. It "bit", which made me happy tech-wise, but in all other ways...I was in hell. I was pregnant, in ASHO with no AC and wearing something that was way too hot. I went 'up and down the tone scale'. One moment I wanted to kill my auditor, the next moment I wanted to fuck him. I might have mentioned it, but we were sort of....there was this sort of mutual attraction...yeah....and it weirded me out because I was preggo. And it was like there was this "whole other conversation" that was taking place" that didn't read on the meter or show up in the folder. So, I guess the tech lovers will say that's why stuff wasn't great for me. Whatever...I digress.
Anyhow, it sucked...and then, suddenly shit snapped. Later I would say it was unflat, because I felt like I 'snapped into my head', which is the opposite of EP-land.
Now, I have a whole new take on the Objectives. If you want to argue with me, PM or start another thread, I don't feel like dealing with it here (if there was a blog when I first found the site, I would have probably just posted my story there and dealt with the comment...but c'est la vie...I continue here since I started here). After looking at a whole bunch of stuff, YEP, I do believe the Objectives snap ya into PT. I do believe they sort of sever off ties and old associations within the brain. Yep. I get that it is a tremendous relief. I also think it's one of the inherent evils within the trap. All your old associations are gone to some extent--and in that state, the rest of Scientology starts getting laid down.
I've read accounts of POWs and other people in repetitive forced labor and other situations where they tell amazingly similar stories. Some sort of break, but others get this blissful sort of thing...and it sounds so much like the wins I've heard from pc's. It can fuck with the heads of those who imprison them. They get out, they mostly get on, but something has changed. In the cult, you go onto your next step. New pathways are formed in the brain--Scio pathways. I won't tell you I didn't feel great. Or that the world didn't look brighter, or anything less than that. I had a great fucking win. I'd later have pc's who would have great wins on their Objectives. At this point, I just don't think it's that fucking great of a state to bring about, no matter how amazing it feels. Just no safety net.
I have no doubt it "works", but, in the long run? Some days I feel like part of my mission in life is to reconnect some of the neural pathways that got obliterated during Op Pro by Dup...and yeah, I am being a bit dramatic, but it's not entirely that far from the truth. I look at my PTSD right now and kind of laugh...would a bunch of Op Pro by Dup sort of sever those triggers (in reality no, I'd kill the auditor after the third command at this point), but what would I also lose by that?
I'm one of those people who get pissed at those who assume that those of us who have become disenchanted with the tech have just decided 'it's all bad' because we had a bad experience. Hell, if If people got nothing out of it, then nobody would be caught in the web.
I held onto what I thought was good. I initially thought it was just all 'off-policy'. The longer I paid attention and read other things, the more I noticed that things had actively fucked me up or were done better elsewhere. Hell, it was only a couple a months ago where I happened to notice that TRs had fucked me up in a way I had NO idea that they had.
For me, Objectives did break me from my past...and then a new future was finally able to be laid down. Welcome to the Scientology Drug Rundown.....
(oh, and I might be shot for this, but I think Objectives, from the changes I saw in myself, in my own pc's, other pc's in the org, and in folders...aren't just a separation from the bad stuff...but connections in general...somehow people start being more 'independent', which you'd think is good...but independent from good family and friends' influence??? I might have to post a bit more on that)
.
I've been very sick lately...it has been coming and going. And I finally got smart enough to go to a counselor at my school that I've seen before. I just totally broke down. There was no way I could continue at the pace I was going and come out OK physically with the illness. It'd been SO long since I felt so useless. I had also recently had PTSD stuff come up (which I might address in the next entry), and I STILL could not come to grips with the idea that it might be OK...a normal reaction. I just almost wanted to kill myself because I thought I was lazy or weak because I just could not make it right now. She's a no-BS person, and hell, she just sort of laid out how I wasn't lazy--and yeah, I was dealing with PTSD and illness, and she has seen how hard I'm working. It's hard to swallow. Failure in the cult is a lower condition...and it just brought me back to my story.
There are things such as triggers and stuff like restim that he-who-shall-not-be-named talked about. That stuff has been around before him, and will be there forever, because there is something to it. I have been having moments where I am reminded of ASHO. The funny thing is, now, I can see the dissociation that I felt down there. It felt weird...but, it was a 'key-out'--or so I told myself.
My Objectives were bizarre to me. I'd try like hell to make them 'bite', but I'd just have cogs. I went through the whole "give me that hand" a few times before I spit out what I felt on pretty much the third command... I didn't give him my hand and he asked "What happened" (or whatever the fuck the rote command was) and I said....something like "Well, I was just wondering if we were both Tone-40, who would win? I'm thinking I can control my own body when I want..." So, yeah, what the fuck do you do with that? It was pretty damn real to me, and they hadn't been 'run in'. Most of the Objectives were like that...but, then, before, Scio, I had spent years in dance and sports...I had a damn awesome batting average, and when I wanted to, I could be 'in present time' like the dickens. I could totally fricking be there and react as needed without any outside BS. Like I said, Objectives were weird.
Then came the infamous Op Pro by Dup. I hated that fucker. It "bit", which made me happy tech-wise, but in all other ways...I was in hell. I was pregnant, in ASHO with no AC and wearing something that was way too hot. I went 'up and down the tone scale'. One moment I wanted to kill my auditor, the next moment I wanted to fuck him. I might have mentioned it, but we were sort of....there was this sort of mutual attraction...yeah....and it weirded me out because I was preggo. And it was like there was this "whole other conversation" that was taking place" that didn't read on the meter or show up in the folder. So, I guess the tech lovers will say that's why stuff wasn't great for me. Whatever...I digress.
Anyhow, it sucked...and then, suddenly shit snapped. Later I would say it was unflat, because I felt like I 'snapped into my head', which is the opposite of EP-land.
Now, I have a whole new take on the Objectives. If you want to argue with me, PM or start another thread, I don't feel like dealing with it here (if there was a blog when I first found the site, I would have probably just posted my story there and dealt with the comment...but c'est la vie...I continue here since I started here). After looking at a whole bunch of stuff, YEP, I do believe the Objectives snap ya into PT. I do believe they sort of sever off ties and old associations within the brain. Yep. I get that it is a tremendous relief. I also think it's one of the inherent evils within the trap. All your old associations are gone to some extent--and in that state, the rest of Scientology starts getting laid down.
I've read accounts of POWs and other people in repetitive forced labor and other situations where they tell amazingly similar stories. Some sort of break, but others get this blissful sort of thing...and it sounds so much like the wins I've heard from pc's. It can fuck with the heads of those who imprison them. They get out, they mostly get on, but something has changed. In the cult, you go onto your next step. New pathways are formed in the brain--Scio pathways. I won't tell you I didn't feel great. Or that the world didn't look brighter, or anything less than that. I had a great fucking win. I'd later have pc's who would have great wins on their Objectives. At this point, I just don't think it's that fucking great of a state to bring about, no matter how amazing it feels. Just no safety net.
I have no doubt it "works", but, in the long run? Some days I feel like part of my mission in life is to reconnect some of the neural pathways that got obliterated during Op Pro by Dup...and yeah, I am being a bit dramatic, but it's not entirely that far from the truth. I look at my PTSD right now and kind of laugh...would a bunch of Op Pro by Dup sort of sever those triggers (in reality no, I'd kill the auditor after the third command at this point
), but what would I also lose by that? I'm one of those people who get pissed at those who assume that those of us who have become disenchanted with the tech have just decided 'it's all bad' because we had a bad experience. Hell, if If people got nothing out of it, then nobody would be caught in the web.
I held onto what I thought was good. I initially thought it was just all 'off-policy'. The longer I paid attention and read other things, the more I noticed that things had actively fucked me up or were done better elsewhere. Hell, it was only a couple a months ago where I happened to notice that TRs had fucked me up in a way I had NO idea that they had.
For me, Objectives did break me from my past...and then a new future was finally able to be laid down. Welcome to the Scientology Drug Rundown.....
(oh, and I might be shot for this, but I think Objectives, from the changes I saw in myself, in my own pc's, other pc's in the org, and in folders...aren't just a separation from the bad stuff...but connections in general...somehow people start being more 'independent', which you'd think is good...but independent from good family and friends' influence??? I might have to post a bit more on that)
Free to shine
Shiny & Free
I absolutley HATED Objectives and so on. It was a long time ago but I still remember the feeling of being forced to do something I didn't want to. It was not my choice to have these actions, I just HAD to do them. I remember the one where you get your hand to follow someone else's and thinking "fuck it, no way" and subtly turned it around so my hand was leading most of the time. 
It seemed to me to be all about control and even though I was young and mostly 'obedient' the warrior within didn't take too kindly to being controlled. It really felt like some kind of process to make a person 'submit'. I figure it a backwards win that helped me get out to not blindly accept it all. I got through it by doing what was expected and mouthing the expected cogs and wins. HATED it! It seemed such a waste of time.
It seemed to me to be all about control and even though I was young and mostly 'obedient' the warrior within didn't take too kindly to being controlled. It really felt like some kind of process to make a person 'submit'. I figure it a backwards win that helped me get out to not blindly accept it all. I got through it by doing what was expected and mouthing the expected cogs and wins. HATED it! It seemed such a waste of time.
Voltaire's Child
Fool on the Hill
I found them to be tough sledding, myself. Sometimes I felt like I had a nice "win" or whatnot, though.
But yeah, they weren't easy and I don't know that they really permanently produced "change".
But yeah, they weren't easy and I don't know that they really permanently produced "change".
FoTi
Crusader
I had some other auditing prior to objectives which was really good. When they put me on objectives I thought it was kind of 
and unnecessary....I just wanted to get back to running track and the stuff that I was interested in. I didn't say anything to the auditor about what I thought....just kept it to myself. I just did whatever the auditor said because I didn't know anything about objectives or where this was leading to and I just wanted to get through it as fast as I could and back on what I wanted to do. I just did it lightheartedly and it seemed like some kind of silly game and each one only took a couple of minutes. I had no resistance to it and no gain. And very shortly I was back in session on the meter running stuff I wanted to run.
I audited one person on Book and Bottle and he made an origination that everything was upside down. I didn't know what to do with that......should I keep going ?.....Is he exterior?.....if he was I didn't want to overrun him.....so I ended off and sent him to the examiner. Everything seemed okay with the exam report. But...he left and never came back and I felt bad and hoped he wasn't living his whole life with everything upside down from then on. That was the course that used to be done after the Comm Course.....I think it was called the HAS Course? It was the one with the ash tray ..... didn't get that one either, but finally just signed off on it because I was sick of doing it and it didn't make any sense to me.....we also had to go out and sell a Dianetics book to finish off the course. I don't recall getting anything out of that course except how to do a touch assist.....I really liked the results of touch assists....giving and receiving them.
20 years later at AOLA on set ups for the CCRD, the C/S decided I needed to do objectives. I wasn't about to spend my money or auditing time on that and I said so. The C/S said I wouldn't be charged for them. I bit my tongue and started to do them just for the C/S, but after a few minutes....I just flat out refused to waste my time with this and quit. They put me with a higher classed auditor. He started to try to run objectives on me and I walked out of the auditing room and went home. He came after me and got me to come back into the org. I got scared of AOLA and went to the Flag Office and had an interview with one of their Class Xs. He told me that they shouldn't be doing that with me and told me to come to Flag that night. I made plans to go, Flag got me a ticket on the plane and I went into AOLA and told them I was going to Flag that night. They refused to release my folders and told me to go to Ethics. The MAA wanted me to do conditions on the 2D. Things were getting crazier by the minute. I went back to the Flag office and told them what was going on at AOLA and that they wouldn't release my folders and wanted me to do conditions. Someone from the Flag office went over and personally pulled my folders from AOLA and sent them to Flag and I took off on a plane that night for Clearwater. I was left with the feeling that AOLA didn't know what the f*ck they were doing with me.....and it wasn't the first time.
I was never asked to do objectives ever again.
I have never been able to see the point in objectives. :confused2:
A few years later I was on KTL at AOLA and again things went ass over teacup....only worse this time and I thought....something's wrong here....these guys are crazy. I then moved to Clearwater to continue or try to continue the KTL at Flag.....you know, mecca of technical perfection? ..... but after 10 years of hanging around there I concluded that they were nuts too......so I quit for good. (I guess we don't have an "I quit" smilie or I couldn't find it) So much for the bridge to total freedom and full ot. Nothing like feeling you've been burned.
Clammie....I hope you're feeling better really soon. You've had such a tough road and been working so hard and you deserve life to be so much better than it has been for you.
and unnecessary....I just wanted to get back to running track and the stuff that I was interested in. I didn't say anything to the auditor about what I thought....just kept it to myself. I just did whatever the auditor said because I didn't know anything about objectives or where this was leading to and I just wanted to get through it as fast as I could and back on what I wanted to do. I just did it lightheartedly and it seemed like some kind of silly game and each one only took a couple of minutes. I had no resistance to it and no gain. And very shortly I was back in session on the meter running stuff I wanted to run. I audited one person on Book and Bottle and he made an origination that everything was upside down. I didn't know what to do with that......should I keep going ?.....Is he exterior?.....if he was I didn't want to overrun him.....so I ended off and sent him to the examiner. Everything seemed okay with the exam report. But...he left and never came back and I felt bad and hoped he wasn't living his whole life with everything upside down from then on. That was the course that used to be done after the Comm Course.....I think it was called the HAS Course? It was the one with the ash tray ..... didn't get that one either, but finally just signed off on it because I was sick of doing it and it didn't make any sense to me.....we also had to go out and sell a Dianetics book to finish off the course. I don't recall getting anything out of that course except how to do a touch assist.....I really liked the results of touch assists....giving and receiving them.
20 years later at AOLA on set ups for the CCRD, the C/S decided I needed to do objectives. I wasn't about to spend my money or auditing time on that and I said so. The C/S said I wouldn't be charged for them. I bit my tongue and started to do them just for the C/S, but after a few minutes....I just flat out refused to waste my time with this and quit. They put me with a higher classed auditor. He started to try to run objectives on me and I walked out of the auditing room and went home. He came after me and got me to come back into the org. I got scared of AOLA and went to the Flag Office and had an interview with one of their Class Xs. He told me that they shouldn't be doing that with me and told me to come to Flag that night. I made plans to go, Flag got me a ticket on the plane and I went into AOLA and told them I was going to Flag that night. They refused to release my folders and told me to go to Ethics. The MAA wanted me to do conditions on the 2D.
Things were getting crazier by the minute. I went back to the Flag office and told them what was going on at AOLA and that they wouldn't release my folders and wanted me to do conditions. Someone from the Flag office went over and personally pulled my folders from AOLA and sent them to Flag and I took off on a plane that night for Clearwater. I was left with the feeling that AOLA didn't know what the f*ck they were doing with me.....and it wasn't the first time.I was never asked to do objectives ever again.
I have never been able to see the point in objectives. :confused2:
A few years later I was on KTL at AOLA and again things went ass over teacup....only worse this time and I thought....something's wrong here....these guys are crazy. I then moved to Clearwater to continue or try to continue the KTL at Flag.....you know, mecca of technical perfection? ..... but after 10 years of hanging around there I concluded that they were nuts too......so I quit for good. (I guess we don't have an "I quit" smilie or I couldn't find it) So much for the bridge to total freedom and full ot. Nothing like feeling you've been burned.
Clammie....I hope you're feeling better really soon. You've had such a tough road and been working so hard and you deserve life to be so much better than it has been for you.
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clamicide
Gold Meritorious Patron
AAAAAAAAARGH!
So I was reading through this thread for the first time in eons because I was looking at the Portland stuff, and it brought back memories and I wanted to see if I had posted it. So, I saw in post 130, it said that my senior said I took the company limo down to have sex with this idiot....
anyhow, that was not clear (damn, cannot think of another word, but it's a good word when used in it's proper English context), but she spread the word that I took the limo down to the beach with the guy from the elevator. Somehow, THAT was what pissed me off at the time; I was totally "willing to take responsibility" for what happened with creepy freak, but I HAD retained being 'cause' with elevator dude.
Yeah, HOW fucked up can ya get? THAT fucked up.
Going to see if ya can go back and edit that far back...I've tried to only edit when it's been something that I realized was totally mis-spoken or the typos and grammar was so bad I wanted to impale myself on something.
So I was reading through this thread for the first time in eons because I was looking at the Portland stuff, and it brought back memories and I wanted to see if I had posted it. So, I saw in post 130, it said that my senior said I took the company limo down to have sex with this idiot....
anyhow, that was not clear (damn, cannot think of another word, but it's a good word when used in it's proper English context), but she spread the word that I took the limo down to the beach with the guy from the elevator. Somehow, THAT was what pissed me off at the time; I was totally "willing to take responsibility" for what happened with creepy freak, but I HAD retained being 'cause' with elevator dude.
Yeah, HOW fucked up can ya get? THAT fucked up. Going to see if ya can go back and edit that far back...I've tried to only edit when it's been something that I realized was totally mis-spoken or the typos and grammar was so bad I wanted to impale myself on something.
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clamicide
Gold Meritorious Patron
Paint a Bird on it!!!
OK...I just kind of got exhausted looking through my own thread, but the whole Portland Crusade and someone starting a thread on it really brought up the whole cult mindset I was fully in. And it just showed how much I LOVED it. I wasn't part of the Crusade, so I didn't have stuff I felt relevant to the current thread. So, I'm putting it here. It fits somewhere in the timeline here as I've reported...someone would have to provide the exact dates when it occurred... might be betw.een my first and second CCRD trip. I'm STILL fucked up on time since my involvement in the cult.
I remember when the news hit. It was excitement beyond belief. It was finally my "Abbie Hoffman" moment. Protests...fighting the establishment... There were briefings about what was going down, and we were pretty much 'all hands' on call-in.
I was so caught up. In high school, I was 'deep'. HERE I was finally out of yuppie-land. OMG, I wore the designer clothes, but I also wore the stoner clothes... and THIS was FINALLY a fight against the insane establishment. I met folks I loved in the cult. The excitement was palpable. I'd hate call-in later, but omg...I could NOT wait to get on the phones here.
It was PROTEST! Something that spoke to my rebellious soul! I had NO idea I was falling into conformity within the cult. We got on the phones and urged other all the local public they NEEDED to be there! When somebody got a commitment from someone that they'd go up, there'd be cheers and high-fives and celebration beyond belief. I felt amazing when I got a commitment from someone that they were joining "The Cause" and going up to Portland.
We actually had to be ordered home in the beginning, because we were calling too late at night...THAT'S how excited we were. Seriously...we were striking a blow against the status quo ...we actually thought we were rebels who were a part of something that would be something that would go down in mankind's history. I can't help thinking about my senior who confessed that, although, he really cared about people---he was in it for the glory in many ways---he could NOT wait for the day when all of us who had been there back in the day and were whatever Class or whatever OEC training would get the best tables in restaurants and stuff. We sooooooo believed.
And then, I wonder if he did have doubts. I kind of got the feeling that if he didn't worry about himself for falling for it if it wasn't real, he did worry about me (took me a long time to realize this) if it turned out to be a lie. A telex came down (so I was told) that there was a problem with us unmanning the orgs, because so many staff were going off to the Crusade. And, I was SERIOUSLY expendable as far as my post was concerned....I was org-board algae. The org would survive without me, but he told me that was why I could not go. I was seriously depressed by this. But, I was pregnant...and, at the time all I heard was all how "wonderful" it was up there. Now I realize, he probably spared me from something that would have been completely detrimental to me. I wound up with enough problems with my pregnancy because I was so tapped out from just my staff experience (TBC on that point)...I don't know what being up at the Crusade would have done to me. I wonder if underneath he was starting to wonder and was protecting me...he had tried to protect me every step of the way before. He didn't make it out of the cult alive. OK...I'm getting a litttle too..
(fuck, no emoticon can capture it) seriously, I really loved the guy...and, he's officially dead from accident...but, I'm just really, again, looking at...it was suicide.
I just knew it underneath at the time. I knew him. I just really believe...fuck... it was after a tech action that has resulted in similar endings.....sorry.... been a while since I revisited this.
I swear to God or whatever... I saw the movie "Ghost" a couple days after I learned, and it seemed to help (omfg, I was a squirrel)...and there was one point a few days later where I could have sworn he showed up and just was 'there' with me. It was out of the blue, and I couldn't help smiling...
I fucking miss him. Funny how I've blocked that out. Hope this is a benevolent universe and he is doing well.
A rambling post that went off to where it had nothing to do with its start...an I kinda like it. It's much more the mode where I started this thread...so, we'll just hit that submit reply button...
oh yeah, fuck the cult......
OK...I just kind of got exhausted looking through my own thread, but the whole Portland Crusade and someone starting a thread on it really brought up the whole cult mindset I was fully in. And it just showed how much I LOVED it. I wasn't part of the Crusade, so I didn't have stuff I felt relevant to the current thread. So, I'm putting it here. It fits somewhere in the timeline here as I've reported...someone would have to provide the exact dates when it occurred... might be betw.een my first and second CCRD trip. I'm STILL fucked up on time since my involvement in the cult.
I remember when the news hit. It was excitement beyond belief. It was finally my "Abbie Hoffman" moment. Protests...fighting the establishment... There were briefings about what was going down, and we were pretty much 'all hands' on call-in.
I was so caught up. In high school, I was 'deep'. HERE I was finally out of yuppie-land. OMG, I wore the designer clothes, but I also wore the stoner clothes... and THIS was FINALLY a fight against the insane establishment. I met folks I loved in the cult. The excitement was palpable. I'd hate call-in later, but omg...I could NOT wait to get on the phones here.
It was PROTEST! Something that spoke to my rebellious soul! I had NO idea I was falling into conformity within the cult. We got on the phones and urged other all the local public they NEEDED to be there! When somebody got a commitment from someone that they'd go up, there'd be cheers and high-fives and celebration beyond belief. I felt amazing when I got a commitment from someone that they were joining "The Cause" and going up to Portland.
We actually had to be ordered home in the beginning, because we were calling too late at night...THAT'S how excited we were. Seriously...we were striking a blow against the status quo ...we actually thought we were rebels who were a part of something that would be something that would go down in mankind's history. I can't help thinking about my senior who confessed that, although, he really cared about people---he was in it for the glory in many ways---he could NOT wait for the day when all of us who had been there back in the day and were whatever Class or whatever OEC training would get the best tables in restaurants and stuff. We sooooooo believed.
And then, I wonder if he did have doubts. I kind of got the feeling that if he didn't worry about himself for falling for it if it wasn't real, he did worry about me (took me a long time to realize this) if it turned out to be a lie. A telex came down (so I was told) that there was a problem with us unmanning the orgs, because so many staff were going off to the Crusade. And, I was SERIOUSLY expendable as far as my post was concerned....I was org-board algae. The org would survive without me, but he told me that was why I could not go. I was seriously depressed by this. But, I was pregnant...and, at the time all I heard was all how "wonderful" it was up there. Now I realize, he probably spared me from something that would have been completely detrimental to me. I wound up with enough problems with my pregnancy because I was so tapped out from just my staff experience (TBC on that point)...I don't know what being up at the Crusade would have done to me. I wonder if underneath he was starting to wonder and was protecting me...he had tried to protect me every step of the way before. He didn't make it out of the cult alive. OK...I'm getting a litttle too..
(fuck, no emoticon can capture it) seriously, I really loved the guy...and, he's officially dead from accident...but, I'm just really, again, looking at...it was suicide. I just knew it underneath at the time. I knew him. I just really believe...fuck... it was after a tech action that has resulted in similar endings.....sorry.... been a while since I revisited this.
I swear to God or whatever... I saw the movie "Ghost" a couple days after I learned, and it seemed to help (omfg, I was a squirrel)...and there was one point a few days later where I could have sworn he showed up and just was 'there' with me. It was out of the blue, and I couldn't help smiling...
I fucking miss him. Funny how I've blocked that out. Hope this is a benevolent universe and he is doing well.
A rambling post that went off to where it had nothing to do with its start...an I kinda like it. It's much more the mode where I started this thread...so, we'll just hit that submit reply button...
oh yeah, fuck the cult......
Free to shine
Shiny & Free
I love the way you write and you let us experience those good and bad moments along with you. What a business this is, the unravelling.
I really think you are doing stunningly well, though at times I am sure you don't think that at all. But I do.
I really think you are doing stunningly well, though at times I am sure you don't think that at all. But I do.
EP - Ethics Particle
Gold Meritorious Patron
I love the way you write and you let us experience those good and bad moments along with you. What a business this is, the unravelling.
I really think you are doing stunningly well, though at times I am sure you don't think that at all. But I do.
Just for the record and for what it may be worth, I think so too, and agree with you wholeheartedly, FTS.
Mike Horton/EP
FoTi
Crusader
I love the way you write and you let us experience those good and bad moments along with you. What a business this is, the unravelling.
I really think you are doing stunningly well, though at times I am sure you don't think that at all. But I do.
I think so too.
Moosejewels
Patron Meritorious
I think so too, too. :wink2:
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