Chicken Joe in the Cauldron

[clamicide]

It's been a long, been a long..been a long time.....

Well, the game I'm playing online has had major problems, and my cities are being sacked anyways...so, wtf. Here I go again (on my oooowwwwn --yeah, Whitesnake--can't shake that 80s' shit). seriously, I have had some recent prodding to continue.


Hubbard Bites It

So....I paid the money for the CCRD. I'd been kicked out of the courseroom for looking downstat for my clothes, but I'm off to ASHO. And I'm PISSED! My husband scheduled my plane flight for the time of the Super Bowl. DUDE!!!! uh....the BEARS are FINALLY THERE! I grew up hearing nothing but "If Payton (Walter) had a good front line!". I no longer lived there, but much of me is ChiTown through and through. ChiSox and Bears or DIE! Annndddd....I was supposed to be on an airplane during this monumentous event? I waited my whole life for the Bears to be in The Bowl.

Do you know what happened? The ticket was non-refundable, and I got on the plane. I got convinced into thinking it (CCRD) was more important. Don't tell me that mind control doesn't exist. I had an "auditor waiting!". I remember as I was deplaning they announced the Bears won...I felt sick about missing the game, but I had an "auditor waiting".

There was no auditor waiting. I spent three days waiting for an auditor to get available. Missed the game I'd been waiting for my entire life (and, it might not seem important, but after watching my Sox win the World Series and seeing Buehrle pitch a perfect game last week with my son,...I know THOSE are the moments I'm going to be smiling about on my deathbed....not any Scientology idiotic wins that don't last). Oh, but I got convinced. In the middle of sitting in the PC waiting room for an auditor to free up (and rereading DMSMH), a buzz began.

Huge things....OMG....GINORMOUS things....a briefing so big that even the SO was being shut down to receive it. Well....wow!

The event site was overfilled. I sat on the lawn of Celebrity Centre and watched DM tell us lies....you guys all know the story. Honestly, the first thing I thought was "omg....we finally have a way out of debt, hubby has a signed first edition of Battlefield Earth, AND a boxed rosewood book that he traded the rest of his Class VIII package for" Sooo NOT the Scientological reaction, eh? But, I believed the lies....everyone around me was so ecstatic...I was 'blessed' because I managed to come down to LA and witness this historic event!!!! ahhhh....there is purpose and reason and good in the universe! I pulled in this wonderful thing!!!!

I wish I would have caught the game instead.... My dad is a totally horrible jerkwad that has caused me undue pain, but he did give me a keychain for the Bears being Superbowl Champs that year. All the paint is worn off and you can no longer even see that it ever said what it did, but I still have it---haven't lost a set of keys since that, probably because I can't imagine life without that keychain. Part of me, underneath...I think, always knew. Crazy shite, like an awesome ball game and sharing beer and peanuts with cheering folks is the true freedom. Not some BS cog, alone in a room, with some guy who is starving because he makes less than minimum wage. Cheers babes...I'll share my CCRD cycle next, and perhaps a bit more about the rah-rah death event. I'll hold onto that keychain until the day I die.

 

[Tiger Lily]

Thanks Clamicide. I can picture the whole thing, the frustration and the willingness to give up what you love for the "bridge". I gave up vacations with my preschoolers to go to the Org for courses so that I could go free and improve my family life.

Well, all it did to my family life was distance me from it, and now that my kids are grown and about to leave home I would give anything to have those missed weeks with my young ones back.

I totally understand about the keychain.

-TL

P.S. I'm totally with you on Da Bearsss! :wink2:

 

[Good twin]

Rock on Clammy. I love reading your story.

 

[clamicide]

A thought...

We now interrupt this story with a thought....well, maybe a couple of thoughts.

In coming to this point in my tale, I started thinking about my CCRD (and no, I didn't get it that weekend, an auditor never freed up). And...I started thinking about walking out on the street after I attested. The absolute sheer joy I felt....how I was practically in tears wishing EVERYONE could feel this way---omg, I wanted to clear the planet, because everyone should feel that, everyone should have that.... I'd never felt that way before...

Uh, that's the lie. I'd felt that. I'd been a child and rolled on the grass in sheer abandon of cares and worries. I used to laugh for no reason, other than I felt like laughing. Then, society comes in. You aren't supposed to act too happy. People who are terminally happy are insane. We are conditioned to fit in. Then, you meet Scientology. You are not only encouraged, but EXPECTED to have 'wins'. The taboo comes off. And you are allowed to be happy...in fact you can convince yourself you're happy when they've actually driven you to despair...

I think that is part of the secret. Scientology is the place where you have permission to contact that happiness that is actually innate. It didn't give it to you. You always had the wins, the wonder, the magic sitting there. You just were told you had to keep it under wraps. Then one day, Scientology whispered "hey...you can have that, it's OK", while it worked to kill that part of you off. Scientology just gave you the green light to feel the best part of you, and took credit for creating what you already had inside of you. Who wouldn't be hooked by that? Insidious as hell.

 

[clamicide]

An OSA recruit cycle

This took place many years down the line, but another thread reminded me of it. There was a time I was at PAC for something, and a couple of recruiters for OSA really got a hard-on to recruit me. Since I had seen a pychiatrist in high school, they thought I'd be raring to take out the "enemies". Wow. If I knew then I'd be out someday, I would have taken copious notes, as I don't remember all of it, but it was definitely wild.

I remember them taking me past a security door. It was supposedly a big deal, because normally, nobody who was not OSA was allowed back there, and they had to convince the guard it was OK to bring me in. This meant I was considered a valuable asset to acquire (probably just lies to impress me lol). It was explained that they were like the CIA, or FBI, but they were good guys. They did all the same things, but did it for the freedom and protection of the church. Their actions were all for the greatest good--so, anything illegal was condoned. Yes, they said they did stuff that was illegal, but the wog world was supressive and it was justified. I asked if they ever killed people---the male recruiter laughed, and didn't answer. I was somewhat joking, but the look that passed between the two recruiters definitely unsettled me. That, and the fact that he then he gave me the little eye shrug... maybe he was just trying to impress me with how badass they were. I'll never know. They did tell me about the infamous break-in that we all know about. At some point, I started tuning out what they were saying. I wasn't entirely ready to hear all of this stuff.

I was shown various references that were supposedly not shown to non-OSA ever, and told that not all OSA members even knew about them. I was told to never say that they showed them to me, even to other OSA if I did join, as this was purportedly highly irregular. The female recruiter was freaking out that the male was doing this. She kept checking to make sure nobody was approaching in the hallway, and almost had a heart attack whenever she heard footsteps. The dude thought this stuff would hook me (and in a way, he was right--I was hella intrigued). For some reason, the one thing I remember most that they showed me wasn't an OSA bulletin, but had to do with their 2D rules...no homosexuality, no sex before marriage... That wasn't the thing I read that was most "out there", so I don't know why that's the one that sticks with me. I read very, very quickly. They were just giving me a moment with most of the things they showed me (besides the 2D thing) and I probably read more than they thought I did. Varous stuff about how to do ops and things. It was so weird that I thought at times I might have imagined the whole thing, but I later saw a youtube video that described one of the things I read to a T. I came away thinking that there was a huge dark part of Scientology that I had known nothing about. I was told to bascially 'forget' about everything I saw or heard during the cycle, and in a way, I truly did. I just told myself what they were doing was for our eternal spiritual freedom and silenced the disquiet that came about. I now can remember the odd pit of fear and wonder I felt as I left their quarters. *shudder*

 

[Tiger Lily]

We now interrupt this story with a thought....well, maybe a couple of thoughts.

In coming to this point in my tale, I started thinking about my CCRD (and no, I didn't get it that weekend, an auditor never freed up). And...I started thinking about walking out on the street after I attested. The absolute sheer joy I felt....how I was practically in tears wishing EVERYONE could feel this way---omg, I wanted to clear the planet, because everyone should feel that, everyone should have that.... I'd never felt that way before...

Uh, that's the lie. I'd felt that. I'd been a child and rolled on the grass in sheer abandon of cares and worries. I used to laugh for no reason, other than I felt like laughing. Then, society comes in. You aren't supposed to act too happy. People who are terminally happy are insane. We are conditioned to fit in. Then, you meet Scientology. You are not only encouraged, but EXPECTED to have 'wins'. The taboo comes off. And you are allowed to be happy...in fact you can convince yourself you're happy when they've actually driven you to despair...

I think that is part of the secret. Scientology is the place where you have permission to contact that happiness that is actually innate. It didn't give it to you. You always had the wins, the wonder, the magic sitting there. You just were told you had to keep it under wraps. Then one day, Scientology whispered "hey...you can have that, it's OK", while it worked to kill that part of you off. Scientology just gave you the green light to feel the best part of you, and took credit for creating what you already had inside of you. Who wouldn't be hooked by that? Insidious as hell.

Clami that is a brilliant analysis, and I'd never looked at it from that perspective before. Yes, when I was a kid I felt the joy and magic that I later felt as an adult after a great session. I had just forgotten.

Thank you for that!
-TL

 

[clamicide]

So what can I tell you, If life's the length of this play...

OK...I lied CCRD story not coming up next. Dealing with a bunch of stuff IRL, so I'm going to talk about what is creeping on my mind. .

Years later, and I had been offlines for a few years, but still was TOTALLY a Ronbot. Left my husband, and I will tell the story later of what happened there. Working for a Scientology company, but we were placed in "wog" companies. Met a dude. A crazy dude. An unattractive dude physically from what co-workers said, but, I never gave a damn about any of that, ...and we just talked and chatted, and it was the first non-Scio that I considered having a 2d with...and I DID. Couldn't help myself. Told him it was temporary, I was going down to LA (had to get near CC and AOs and all that BS). It was temporary...it was fun, and crazy...and he even got me to smoke weed once. (and I didn't manage to get high BUMMER lol).

I confessed I was a Scientologist one day, and later after I was with someone else he even stopped by Celebrity Centre (thank goodness he didn't bite). We stayed up late all the time---we had crazy talks and silly stuff, and I knew, and he knew, we'd never wind up together; but, he taught me that the moments that I will always remember aren't the times I was perfect, but the times that I stayed up until 5 AM laughing crazily with a guy...and showed up to work the next day and still managed to cope. He couldn't sleep on my futon because it would mess up his back, so we'd have crazy lovemaking sessions before he returned back to home in the middle of the night, and sometimes he'd show up to hold me while I fell asleep and no sex was involved, and then make the hour drive back to his place and I'd just be touched by the bags under his eyes the next day. But kinky stuff out on the balcony that I somehow felt no guilt about also made me start to wonder. (I'd witnessed discussions by churchies where people were trying to figure out whether or not oral sex is out-ethics). It was completely different than anything I'd seen in Scientology. I remember those nights, and I smile! omg...and I taught him the same lesson about remembering crazy joy when you don't do 'exactly' the 'right thing'. I hope that he also remembers me fondly. So many giggles...and I was experiencing that outside of Scientology...it was a crack in the wall. Intelligent, rational discourse on so many things... and often followed by irrational giggle talk...and no mention of anything Scientological. I thank EVERYONE that contributed to me getting out...he'll probably never know that he helped free me. Cheers, Ross...ya did me good! Hope you are doing well--I cherish the moments we had. I'm being a lot freer in what I talk about...and those who are offended are welcome to leave. It's good for me .

 

[Good twin]

It's good for a lot of us Clammy.

 

[clamicide]

It's good for a lot of us Clammy.

crud...I just had to re-edit the hell out of that thing, and I'm sure it's still a mess! Glad it managed to make sense for ya. Just got nostalgic, and realized he was one of the people that helped wake me up.

 

[clamicide]

unravelling the lies

I'm skipping around in time again....

It's late at night. My son, who isn't old enough to talk is burning up with a raging fever. I've been listening to LRH tapes...I don't recall which ones right now. But, there was something in the tape about if you were being really OT, you could see a little old lady stepping off the curb in front a a car or bus or something...and you could just become her and YOU would step back up on the curb, and she'd be safe. Ah.....well...my son is sick. I will BE my son....I became my son, felt my/his fever and realized there was a problem with my/his ear ouch. I applied the data about confronting and seeing something and it would blow...so 'as him' I looked through his/my body and saw what was going on with the ear...and WOW... my son woke up, rubbed his ear, giggled, hugged me, and his fever was gone. This Scientology stuff was amazing. That's the sort of thing that keeps you hooked.

Ah...but years later, looking at it... I always had those sort of abilities. I did strange things as a kid. But, I filtered my life so that all credit went to the cult. When I was being recruited back onto staff...the SO member involved with the cycle was severely stressed out. I asked her permission to help a bit...I saw a huge black spot on her back. She was OK with it, and I rubbed the area and helped relieve her pain. She was amazed....I had hit the area that had been bothering her. She said it was pretty OT. It wasn't "OT". Just something I've always been able to do. Like, if someone is complaining of pain in their shoulder, I know I need to rub their ankle and have them do a cat stretch before I rub the shoulder...I don't know how I know these things. I just do. People have claimed I'm a miracle worker. You would think Scientology would have made me more able in that area. Nope. The opposite. It wasn't a skill learned or gained in auditing or training...part of me started thinking I might be a bit of a squirrel. In the end, I suppressed it so thoroughly, that now I can only do it if I've had a few drinks in me. What a waste.

My life got filtered. Filtered through Scientology. All good came through them. Anything that didn't come from them was suspect. I wonder what amazing talents I have that have gone dormant. I intend to find out.

 

[Dulloldfart]

I wonder what amazing talents I have that have gone dormant. I intend to find out.

Good for you. Go for it.

Paul

 

[Good twin]

YES!!!! This is what I'm talking about. Clammy you nailed it. Scientology has always attracted people who had a reason to explore the spiritual. Unfortunately, Scientology inhibits and invalidates any real spiritual ability and creativity after a fashion by demanding credit for all ability and putting Scientology inhibitors on all thinking and doing.

Remember the old joke....."I saw a guy who needed the 'return a dead person to life' assist, but I wasn't high crimed on it."

After a while you need the church's permission to do anything.

Keep talking Clamicide. This is great.

 

[sandygirl]

Clammy,

I can't stop reading!! Sounds like even with "intensive" effort, the cult still couldn't suck the life out of you. Glad you're here!!!

That OSA recruit cycle sounds absolutly creepy. Sometimes I have a laugh at the "church's" footbullets and then I remember the dark side and how seriously scarey they can be.

 

[Tiger Lily]

I love this Clami! You are so right about that Scientology filter and how it takes credit for everything good you have, and blames you for anything bad.

You are awesome -- you will get it figured out

-TL

 

[clamicide]

Towards the end of the story...or hopefully, the beginning....

Well, since my situation has come to light here, and ESMB is sending out so much love, something at the end of my Scio tale is in my mind.

I'm hugging my son. He's been expelled from the Sea Org. He looks like hell, he's so gaunt that I'm afraid he'll break in my arms. He's disconnected from me in the past, but since he's in bad standing right now, I have a few moments here where I'm allowed to talk with him. My ex-husband is kicking me out. Telexes have been flying. I'm a risk to the cult. I've spent most of the past year bed-ridden. I should have been institutionalized. I have vague memories of trying to run down the street in my nightgown. I was so sick...spent endless days vomiting...spent so many days bleeding so badly in a female way, that I thought I might be hemorrhaging... I often blacked out. I was lost...I was confused. And, I'll tell how I got there later.

I knew the cult would one day decide I had to leave. I had taken one class at the local community college---omg, I wanted a degree, in health care--anything, so I could get back on my feet. My ex had continually said.."Like they're just going to kick you out..." Well, I was right. The edict came down. My home had been broken into so many times...my son had been taken to live with another family at one point (the non-SO son) because the org valued him and wanted him to stay on staff. I was ordered out of the home. $400 and a used car...and my son and I got in the car and drove. He wanted to make sure I was OK. He gave up security to make sure I'd be safe. I hate that. I hate the cult for that

What freedom, though. Driving into a new city, a new state, where no org people knew who we were. I still relish the moment that I first saw the Willamette River and thought my life was finally starting over. We thought we'd find jobs...we just wanted away from the cult. It felt so wonderful...I was still mentally enslaved by the cult, but I was finally starting to break free....starting to take my baby steps.

It would take a bit before I learned the whole truth about this cult. Amazingly, the first day I started researching the cult, I'd run into a couple of Anons getting ready to protest...the story has not spun out yet....

 

[Nightingale]

I send you hope and blessings. You have been through more already than most endure in an entire lifetime. I am so amazed at your strength and tenacity.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

I finally got thru this. Good thing I slept in the middle.

Wow!, Clamicide. That's all I can say.

Guess what, all your talents (healing, perceiving, etc.) are still there and are yours. You'll get them back. It just takes time.

So much of your story resonates in me. Being a ballsy high school chick and then having that squashed. Perceiving the future and having that squashed.

May I suggest, Omega 3 and natural Lithium, to help with the "mind-fuck". Both really work great on that. I'm now taking natural Lithium daily. What a difference in my mind set. Yes, life still bothers me, but I don't get crazy about it anymore. LOL!!! And the Omega 3 is my sleeping pill. It really helps me sleep at night. Melatonin doesn't even work as well as Omega 3 for me.

I hope when things settle down, you'll continue your story here. And I know from writing my story, how thoroughly healing it can be.

 

[Voltaire's Child]

What's natural lithium? I knew people who took prescription lithium. What's the difference?

 

[AOSHUKR6EW]

More more!!

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

What's natural lithium? I knew people who took prescription lithium. What's the difference?

Natural comes from the earth - lithium is an element on the periodic table.

Prescription lithium is "god only knows what".


http://www.tahoma-clinic.com/lithium1.shtml
This is where I order mine from. It's only 5 mg., where as the prescription is way over 100 mg.