Denise Brennan – Just another chat thread
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JustMe
Patron Meritorious
.[Denise , first I want to thank you for sharing your story. I wish you lived near so we could have lunch or dinner and talk for hours. You seem like the kind of woman I could speak the truth with.
I want to share an experience I had with femininity My doctor found a lump in my breast. Next was a cat scan. and next the hospital and a masectomy. I was just grateful that they had found the cancer early and removed it so I could live
.
about a month after the surgery the hospital called me and said the had a class for women who had a masectomy and thought I would enjoy it. I thought it would be exercises to handle the arm as they had made it weak and susseptablel to swelling.And it would be nice to talk with gals who shared the experience Well, it was terrible actaly it was a pity party. Everybody was pissing and moaning and feeling sorry for themselves.I stood out like a sore thumb.
Finally, the lady leading the group called on me. and asked me to tell why I seemed to have a lack of upset. By this time I was discuted with the whole group of whiners., So I told this story,
I developed quite young and had large booobs that were very outstanding by the time I was 13. I liked them and the effect they had on others, especialy the men. I dressed to accent them used them to the best of my ability.Then I toldthem a negro fable.One of my favorites.
Two black men were killed in a car wreck. They went to heaven and got their wings. One of the guys really liked his wings and loved to flew all over heaven, dive bombing the heavenly chior or any group he could. His budy told him he must stop messing and fly like the other angles or he would lose his wingsd. Sure enough, a few days later he found his friend sitting on a cloud with no wings. He said, I told you so I told you you would lose your wings. Well, what are grinning about? His friend said, I did lose them, but I was one high flying mother f- ker when I had them. Th
at's how I feel about losing my breast. It was gone, but I was one high flying M.F. when I had it.
.
I grabbed my note book and my jacket and left the room.
It has been 27 years since that happened and I still feel the same.
Love and Light,
Aunt Pat[
Oh my Pat but I can just see you and I chatting for hours. I wish you and Iwere in my little garden area (my "respite balcony”) shown on an earlier page just blabbing away. What fun that would be!!
While I don’t think of people in that condition as “whiners” and tend to see it more like Purple’s response on this point (although I was not there and you were), I do so love how you dealt with it for yourself and your WONDERFUL attitude. How priceless and beautiful.
I would like to think that I would have had the same attitude towards my life and that personal loss as you did were our circumstances similar.
And I have a feeling I might have felt and acted much like you as a youth, were I too an early bloomer and with the right body. I LOVE your attitude and I am sure we would have been great friends then. Oh my goodness can you imaging how wild we would have been together? The boys would have had NO chance. LOL
But unfortunately in my life I did not have those great boobs, in fact I had no boobs and was tormented by that and all that went with that.
So I guess I will just have a strong desire to hang onto what little I do have in that department for a little while longer. And while what is on my chest now is hardly "boobalicious”, it sure does beat having so much hair on my chest that I was only four hairs short of being the missing link!
Actually I did have my first mammogram this year which had a lot of humor connected to it but that is for near the end of this little story I think.
JustMe
Patron Meritorious
.
Hi Terril
Oh I can believe that Challenge is probably amazingand a very knowledgeable and truly loving person. I never suspected she was not. In fact I feel a sense of that in her.
I am just saying she was incorrect about me “falling for” allthat and that she doesn’t really know me. And I am trying to introduce “me”here.
I can talk about my therapist's "tech" for hours but Ifeel I am completely losing my story. Perhaps a thread comparing different “techs”might be fun but if I do not focus I am never going to end this thread and itwill lose any meaning to me anyway. I already feel myself drifting away from my story and I have so little time to talk about it. Perhaps I should have started it later when I had more time. Oh well
Terril park
Sponsor
.
Hi Terril
Oh I can believe that Challenge is probably amazingand a very knowledgeable and truly loving person. I never suspected she was not. In fact I feel a sense of that in her.
I am just saying she was incorrect about me “falling for” allthat and that she doesn’t really know me. And I am trying to introduce “me”here.
I can talk about my therapist's "tech" for hours but Ifeel I am completely losing my story. Perhaps a thread comparing different “techs”might be fun but if I do not focus I am never going to end this thread and itwill lose any meaning to me anyway. I already feel myself drifting away from my story and I have so little time to talk about it. Perhaps I should have started it later when I had more time. Oh well
Do as thou wilt
JustMe
Patron Meritorious
Oh, please don't stop. It hasn't dragged on too long at all. I like to pop over here to chat every so often, so I guess that makes it seem longer to get to the story.
I know that hearing about those dark times would really help me, especially the parts about the meaningless sex - which you can talk about doing without being looked down on because your body was male at the time and you did it under the auspices of that male privilege to do what you want - yet you have the perspective of how it makes you feel inside because of really being a woman. On the whole, women can't talk about how it makes them feel inside, because... well it seems like you can't really talk about it at all without being shunned and despised and the pinning on of your scarlet letter. But what if that is eating somebody's heart out every day?
I would like to know how you found peace if you have - how you made peace with yourself. Although I am coming to see that even promiscuity is relative to the point of view of the beholder and most women have a past somewhat similar to mine. So why can't we talk about that? Why do the surveys of what is a normal amount of partners for women say 2-4 men in a lifetime? What a load of horseshit!! But why can't we talk about that? I felt like a freak - a dirty freak - even though as I said the number of people I'd been with and the circumstances surrounding it were not that different from the person labeling me that I could see. So why do women feel like they have to lie?
I'm so glad I haven't upset you. I hope you don't mind me posting chatty bits on here as well. I am a bit of a chatterbox, I'm afraid. I love people. That's what my ex-partner never understood - that I didn't go out to "meet men" I went out to meet people. He always discounted the women I met, which I thought even then was unfair. Like if I made a female friend on the message board and met her in real life, how much fun we had together, and how much those relationships meant to me.
And I also couldn't get him to understand that whole charming/weaving spell over them thing because I didn't understand it myself. He would characterise it as "flirting" or "vibing" which didn't fit properly for a woman so he just discounted it apart from taking a kind of sexual interest in the fact that I found women attractive. But to call it either of those is simply not accurate because if I was physically attracted to somebody I didn't go up to them and do the spell weaving thing - it generally just made me nervous.
But I had three gifts in life - well, what I thought of as gifts. One was to see people and let them know they've been seen. One was to know the worst of someone, accept it, and work around it. The other one sounds silly, but it was kind of just to shine on people. When I was a Christian I thought that I had a "ministry of smiles", but just to look at someone and smile at them. I felt I was making a difference in people's lives. My real life name means "a star" and the whole "shine" thing was very essential to who I was.
One time I was considering joining a group of Hash House Harriers and they were trying to think of what my new name would be. Everyone there has to have a funny nickname - like "Fellatrix" who got her nickname because she made the mistake of saying, "I hate going up hills but I don't mind going down on them". Lol! Anyway, I almost got called "Naked without my handbag" because a friend had told me that if you put anything down, like a cap, somebody would swipe it, and it might turn up again years later - they always had those sorts of pranks going on. So I always kept tight to my handbag and I wouldn't put it down. So somebody asked me about it and that's how I almost got that nickname - I said, "Oh, no. I feel naked without my handbag!" I didn't mind that one too much, but another one they were contemplating was the opposite of star - and that one really upset me because I identified so much with the whole shining star idea.
Yes, I am learning so much from Sallydannce and from Free to shine and from you. I've never talked to women before who have had similar experiences and can recognise them in others. I have some really good girlfriends, and they might have experienced some form of economic abuse - like one girlfriend was earning most of the money and he was gambling it away and running up debt on their mortgage unbeknownst to her while insisting on managing the money. So that was kind of a mild form of it, but they were comfortable and mostly quite good friends at least until they broke up and each found people that suited them better. I guess that friend did have a very abusive boyfriend as a teenager, but that was so long ago. Anyhow, this has been the first time I've met other women who can see and hold up the mirror and say look at what it is. I am incredibly lucky to have that, but I wish I had met them way earlier in my life. Only I wish that no woman ever had to go through that. I don't know if we could or would grow without it, but I do think growing is over-rated personally except for when you see the results in others. Then you go, "wow," and marvel at the wisdom.
I am trying to put everything behind me. My anxiety is really increasing the closer I get to this trip to pick up my stuff. My psychology lecturer said yesterday that he thought I should be on anti-depressants but he did agree that even if I started today it would take weeks to kick in and be too late for this semester. I am anxious about that also. My lecturers couldn't have been kinder, but the anxiety wells up quite often these days between those things. I'm starting to think I've made a terrible mistake in booking the tickets and accommodation. I just felt so driven for closure before.
You are such a mentor for me. One thing I take away from everything you write is that I wish I had appreciated being a woman more, having a female body, having the opportunities I have had. So many things to be grateful for taken so much for granted. You are making me realise how very special all of that is. How special we are as women. How special we are as people.
Have a wonderful day, Denise.
Much love,
Purple
.
Oh my Purple, but I did really, really do like to “chat”back and forth with you on our threads. I love how you open up and share.
There is so much that can be said and that I would reallylove to chat with you about.
I have been at work for over 13 hours today and goingback in a few so I could not now do justice to reply to all you covered.
I am going to cut out a lot of detail on this thread andfor one thing I think I am going to leave out most of the “sex” stuff. A numberof us on here are really sharing on so many personal things and it feelsWONDERFUL but I get it sense that some of what I would open to a girlfriendabout is not so much for public forums. I don’t mean like “X rated” stuff, justsome of the private things.
But I would not mind going over with you anything you’d like.
Would you like to Skype some time? I’d really enjoy that.Should we PM each other with Skype #s?
Love you
Purple Rain
Crusader
.
Oh my Purple, but I did really, really do like to “chat”back and forth with you on our threads. I love how you open up and share.
There is so much that can be said and that I would reallylove to chat with you about.
I have been at work for over 13 hours today and goingback in a few so I could not now do justice to reply to all you covered.
I am going to cut out a lot of detail on this thread andfor one thing I think I am going to leave out most of the “sex” stuff. A numberof us on here are really sharing on so many personal things and it feelsWONDERFUL but I get it sense that some of what I would open to a girlfriendabout is not so much for public forums. I don’t mean like “X rated” stuff, justsome of the private things.
But I would not mind going over with you anything you’d like.
Would you like to Skype some time? I’d really enjoy that.Should we PM each other with Skype #s?
Love you
Yes, I would love to Skype! I'll PM you now!
JustMe
Patron Meritorious
I think I am not going to keep repeating my views of femininity or how I looked at life and felt trapped in a body that was not compatible with the inner “me”. This would still be true for the rest of my life but I am not going to keep mentioning it and pushing my own perspective of spirituality, at least not now.
And I think I am going to be more brief about the rest of my staff experience up to but not including the time I got on the Watchdog Committee. I could tell so very many stories about it and about interactions with LRH and legal matters but I have told so many of them already as “Larry Brennan” and they are not really a part of me now as justme, Denise, where I am trying to heal as I try to help others to do the same.
Well anyway, I was suddenly sent to the US Guardians Office (“USGO”) in September 1974. I trained on and completed what they called the “Full Legal Hat” which included many hours and days of research at the Los Angeles County Law Library. (I was to later get millions of dollars’ worth of legal training just from working with attorneys from all over the world on so many different things while learning to understand and question their advice).
And for a short time I actually was the Assistant Guardian Legal of AOLA. But then as quickly as the AG there ripped me off from the AOLA “Hubbard Guidance Center”, I was ripped off from her to be in the USGO itself. My position was called “Legal Handling US” (LHUS) and it was in “Branch 1” of the legal bureau, the branch that dealt with legal matters outside of the courts. (Branch II was the part of the legal bureau that dealt with the litigation). LHUS reported to the Legal Branch I Director who in turn reported to the senior most legal person in the USA, the “Deputy Guardian Legal USGO”.
And within a half year or so of that I was promoted to be the Legal Branch I Director of the USGO and held that position for over a year or so. Now I was over scientology-related legal matters in the entire USA that were not involving litigation. And I never wanted nor asked for any of those promotions nor any other promotion I was to get in scientology.
My office was in the main USGO offices in the upper floors of what is now scientology’s “Celebrity Center International” in Hollywood California.
Then I was ripped off to be the Legal Branch I Director of the Guardians Office World Wide (LBrIDirGOWW) which was over all Guardians Office staff in the world. I believe the GO had grown to over 1,000 staff by then. I was now responsible for all legal matters outside of litigation involving organized scientology for the world.
I would serve in that position for five years until the GO was taken over by the CMO (“Commodore’s Messenger Organization”) in 1981 based on the belief that L Ron Hubbard wanted the GO to step down. Those at the very top of the GO were shown false telexes “from Hubbard” that asked them to step down and they did, agreeing to submit to being under the CMO
From there I flew back to Los Angeles and helped educate the new powers that be on corporate matters and eventually was on the Corporate SortOut “CSO” missions that were to completely reorganize organized scientology corporately. I was the one to take the new proposals to David Miscavige, educate him on them and get his approval of same.
As an extension from those CSO missions I was to become “Special Unit Corporate” to once again be over all the major scientology corporate (non litigation) matters in the world except this time is was part of what was under the CMO and not the GO.
And this will take you right up until I was to become Special Unit In Change and Watchdog Committee Member X from mid 1982 through1983 (which I will go over in my next posting).
And the reason why I am separating these two periods (Sept 1974 through maybe July 1982 from the period of July 1982 through December 1983) is that there is a huge difference between these two periods.
Right from when I started in the GO at AOLA in September 1974 until I was to become Special Unit IC/WDC X in mid 1982 I had never, ever dealt with anything but matters to defend scientology and they did not involve hurting others. Up until near the end of my staff times I was never over scientology’s intelligence operations, I was never over their dirty PR to squash others and I was never over their litigation to destroy others.
I was in fact clueless that at the same time I thought I was protecting “mankind’s only hope” from the “bad guys” through the use of corporate shell games, religious cloaking and myriad other ways to legally protect scientology and its front groups, other parts of scientology’s external affairs machine were busy destroying others through Hubbard’s horrid policy of “fairgame” and other such Hubbard mandates.
This thread I think is a form of therapy to me and so I am only trying to find the truth about myself and I am way past any need to try to justify myself and for the most part I don’t care if anyone else disagrees. It just amazes me that while I was trying to be the “mother bear” protecting something I thought to be wonderful, that “something wonderful” was busy doing things so contrary to my beliefs that it shocks me now that I could have missed it.
Don’t get me wrong, I have seen evil from Hubbard and that little Miscavige guy and did justify them as much as I could in later 1982 and through 1983, often trying to minimize their negative effects on others, but it was not until mid1982 that I ever saw that kind of evil and that Hubbard and his scientology were other than the wondrous things I tried so hard to believe they were.
And I suspect that this sort of thing is true for the vast majority of ex scientologists and scientologists. We were good and trusting people who actually were betrayed. Hubbard says that it is so bad to be a “victim”and for years I believed that and I see so many scientologists and ex scientologists still believing that. How horrible is it that the man who preaches that you cannot be a victim is the very one to victimize you. Countless scientology policies and “tech” actually make you a victim by believing you must not be one and you must instead believe everything Hubbard said and pay handsomely for the “privilege” of getting his “help”.
When things were good and you felt wonderful it was thanks to Hubbard so “three cheers for LRH”. But when things were bad well then it was your fault. And you now needed to pay him even more in money or your soul so that you can find out he was right and you could “stop being a victim”.
My God but what a trap is this scientology and my God how it preys on the innocent and good of heart.
And, indeed, any real accomplishment (such as they were in scientology) was not by Hubbard IMO but rather by good and decent people who gave their sweat and gave their blood to make things happen for him while he took the money they earned and let them and their children live in squalor.
I would have stood by scientology and died for scientology back then. But it was not because of courage. It was because of love. A misplaced love but nonetheless love.
I have never EVER wanted to hurt another and anything I have ever done, misguided or not, was out of love.
I’m thinking back at something I said in an earlier posting about never hitting anyone, etc. I never punched another, I never tried to destroy another, I never hated another, I never even gave someone a really low condition and certainly did not assign anyone to scientology’s horrid penal camps known as the “RPF”. I slapped one person and that was one time to defend a woman against an abusive man. In fact as I look back at my life I never even screamed at another, as far as I can recall. The only thing I ever screamed at was an ashtray due to some insane Hubbard drill.
ESMB and WWP in part are a great source of fact checking peoples’ stories if only because so many others know them and can correct what was said. And I invite anyone who knew me through all those years to correct me.
My point here is not that I was SOOOOO wonderful. Rather it is that I believe MOST OF US were SOOOOOO wonderful and were in fact betrayed.
And later when I was to come out and speak out against the horrors of scientology when few of us were doing much, many cheered me on and said how courageous I was. But it wasn’t courage that ever got me to speak out, it was love.
As I will post on my life after scientology and before I spoke out, I refused to believe it could be so horrible, I would not look if only because someone I deeply loved was still then in their grasp.
But I then started reading the internet and would cry and cry at all the horrors I saw because of scientology and just how lives were destroyed by scientology and just how many victims were suffering. And I started reading legal documents from after my time on staff and saw complete lies by David Miscavige and others held under his thumb while others were being victimized.
I realized that I had been protecting something truly evil and the evil only got worse after I left staff. I had protected it out of love and now out of love I would do my best to undo as much of it as I could.
Again it wasn’t courage. And you two women who wanted to have my children, well girls that would now indeed be the immaculate conception as that ship has sailed. lol Oh well I guess we’ll just have to be friends.
And all those years I was in the GO I was friendly and loved people but I was also lonely for I could not be myself and could not find love for myself, as myself.
The best thing that would happen to me during my years inthe Guardian’s Office was meeting Sandy who would become my wife. Out of love and respect to her and my daughter I am not going to drag them into this thread and so I am going to leave out most of that part of my story.
But I will say this just in case Sandy ever reads this after I am gone. I have ALWAYS loved you and I am so sorry I could not be the man you deserved to have. I told you recently when we were with our daughter and granddaughter that my life would have sucked if you were not it in. And you said that was because I would not have had our daughter without her. And I said yes for sure but then we got interrupted. So let me finish here: my life would also have sucked if YOU were not in it not just counting our daughter. You are wonderful and you are beautiful and you are an amazing, loving person. My life is so much better because you gave me your love. And I will always love you.
And here was my ex wife and I shortly after we were married in 1978. Behind us is Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead, Sussex, England. At the time it was the home of GOWW but it was Hubbard’s home before that:
Was I good looking guy or what? lol If I were me then I would have...well...you know what with him.. But in that guy, was a little girl, filled with love and trying to find her way in a world where so many of good heart would be betrayed.
You know for all this “tough exterior” I was to have to try to put up my whole life and for all the things said about me and how “tough” I was, I was to break down in tears three times in this thread. One was after reading how so many of the girls here circled the wagons to support me. Another was when Emma said the girls from Australia would wrap me in purple cotton wood and protect me and Fixer said she would ride shotgun And the third was when JBWriter posted the video of the young girls just enjoying life together as young girls. They understood me. And with the above, this “big and tough” person cried and cried.
I would never in my life up to three or so years ago have girlfriends of me, justme, Denise. And I have wanted them so very, very badly all my life. And yet you offered me your friendship as above and in other examples on this thread.
You know I WILL stand by you and I will even die with you if needed. I will hold you, stroke your hair and tell you wondrous stories of Fae as we await the firing squad, but it will never be out of courage. It will always and only be out of love. And I have seen that kind of love in so many here.
And so, the next post will be about my final year and a half on staff where I was to see the evil I had been protecting, trying so hard to understand it and eventually not be able to even do my in basket, refusing to hurt another but knowing no way out of this hell.
And I think I am going to be more brief about the rest of my staff experience up to but not including the time I got on the Watchdog Committee. I could tell so very many stories about it and about interactions with LRH and legal matters but I have told so many of them already as “Larry Brennan” and they are not really a part of me now as justme, Denise, where I am trying to heal as I try to help others to do the same.
Well anyway, I was suddenly sent to the US Guardians Office (“USGO”) in September 1974. I trained on and completed what they called the “Full Legal Hat” which included many hours and days of research at the Los Angeles County Law Library. (I was to later get millions of dollars’ worth of legal training just from working with attorneys from all over the world on so many different things while learning to understand and question their advice).
And for a short time I actually was the Assistant Guardian Legal of AOLA. But then as quickly as the AG there ripped me off from the AOLA “Hubbard Guidance Center”, I was ripped off from her to be in the USGO itself. My position was called “Legal Handling US” (LHUS) and it was in “Branch 1” of the legal bureau, the branch that dealt with legal matters outside of the courts. (Branch II was the part of the legal bureau that dealt with the litigation). LHUS reported to the Legal Branch I Director who in turn reported to the senior most legal person in the USA, the “Deputy Guardian Legal USGO”.
And within a half year or so of that I was promoted to be the Legal Branch I Director of the USGO and held that position for over a year or so. Now I was over scientology-related legal matters in the entire USA that were not involving litigation. And I never wanted nor asked for any of those promotions nor any other promotion I was to get in scientology.
My office was in the main USGO offices in the upper floors of what is now scientology’s “Celebrity Center International” in Hollywood California.
Then I was ripped off to be the Legal Branch I Director of the Guardians Office World Wide (LBrIDirGOWW) which was over all Guardians Office staff in the world. I believe the GO had grown to over 1,000 staff by then. I was now responsible for all legal matters outside of litigation involving organized scientology for the world.
I would serve in that position for five years until the GO was taken over by the CMO (“Commodore’s Messenger Organization”) in 1981 based on the belief that L Ron Hubbard wanted the GO to step down. Those at the very top of the GO were shown false telexes “from Hubbard” that asked them to step down and they did, agreeing to submit to being under the CMO
From there I flew back to Los Angeles and helped educate the new powers that be on corporate matters and eventually was on the Corporate SortOut “CSO” missions that were to completely reorganize organized scientology corporately. I was the one to take the new proposals to David Miscavige, educate him on them and get his approval of same.
As an extension from those CSO missions I was to become “Special Unit Corporate” to once again be over all the major scientology corporate (non litigation) matters in the world except this time is was part of what was under the CMO and not the GO.
And this will take you right up until I was to become Special Unit In Change and Watchdog Committee Member X from mid 1982 through1983 (which I will go over in my next posting).
And the reason why I am separating these two periods (Sept 1974 through maybe July 1982 from the period of July 1982 through December 1983) is that there is a huge difference between these two periods.
Right from when I started in the GO at AOLA in September 1974 until I was to become Special Unit IC/WDC X in mid 1982 I had never, ever dealt with anything but matters to defend scientology and they did not involve hurting others. Up until near the end of my staff times I was never over scientology’s intelligence operations, I was never over their dirty PR to squash others and I was never over their litigation to destroy others.
I was in fact clueless that at the same time I thought I was protecting “mankind’s only hope” from the “bad guys” through the use of corporate shell games, religious cloaking and myriad other ways to legally protect scientology and its front groups, other parts of scientology’s external affairs machine were busy destroying others through Hubbard’s horrid policy of “fairgame” and other such Hubbard mandates.
This thread I think is a form of therapy to me and so I am only trying to find the truth about myself and I am way past any need to try to justify myself and for the most part I don’t care if anyone else disagrees. It just amazes me that while I was trying to be the “mother bear” protecting something I thought to be wonderful, that “something wonderful” was busy doing things so contrary to my beliefs that it shocks me now that I could have missed it.
Don’t get me wrong, I have seen evil from Hubbard and that little Miscavige guy and did justify them as much as I could in later 1982 and through 1983, often trying to minimize their negative effects on others, but it was not until mid1982 that I ever saw that kind of evil and that Hubbard and his scientology were other than the wondrous things I tried so hard to believe they were.
And I suspect that this sort of thing is true for the vast majority of ex scientologists and scientologists. We were good and trusting people who actually were betrayed. Hubbard says that it is so bad to be a “victim”and for years I believed that and I see so many scientologists and ex scientologists still believing that. How horrible is it that the man who preaches that you cannot be a victim is the very one to victimize you. Countless scientology policies and “tech” actually make you a victim by believing you must not be one and you must instead believe everything Hubbard said and pay handsomely for the “privilege” of getting his “help”.
When things were good and you felt wonderful it was thanks to Hubbard so “three cheers for LRH”. But when things were bad well then it was your fault. And you now needed to pay him even more in money or your soul so that you can find out he was right and you could “stop being a victim”.
My God but what a trap is this scientology and my God how it preys on the innocent and good of heart.
And, indeed, any real accomplishment (such as they were in scientology) was not by Hubbard IMO but rather by good and decent people who gave their sweat and gave their blood to make things happen for him while he took the money they earned and let them and their children live in squalor.
I would have stood by scientology and died for scientology back then. But it was not because of courage. It was because of love. A misplaced love but nonetheless love.
I have never EVER wanted to hurt another and anything I have ever done, misguided or not, was out of love.
I’m thinking back at something I said in an earlier posting about never hitting anyone, etc. I never punched another, I never tried to destroy another, I never hated another, I never even gave someone a really low condition and certainly did not assign anyone to scientology’s horrid penal camps known as the “RPF”. I slapped one person and that was one time to defend a woman against an abusive man. In fact as I look back at my life I never even screamed at another, as far as I can recall. The only thing I ever screamed at was an ashtray due to some insane Hubbard drill.
ESMB and WWP in part are a great source of fact checking peoples’ stories if only because so many others know them and can correct what was said. And I invite anyone who knew me through all those years to correct me.
My point here is not that I was SOOOOO wonderful. Rather it is that I believe MOST OF US were SOOOOOO wonderful and were in fact betrayed.
And later when I was to come out and speak out against the horrors of scientology when few of us were doing much, many cheered me on and said how courageous I was. But it wasn’t courage that ever got me to speak out, it was love.
As I will post on my life after scientology and before I spoke out, I refused to believe it could be so horrible, I would not look if only because someone I deeply loved was still then in their grasp.
But I then started reading the internet and would cry and cry at all the horrors I saw because of scientology and just how lives were destroyed by scientology and just how many victims were suffering. And I started reading legal documents from after my time on staff and saw complete lies by David Miscavige and others held under his thumb while others were being victimized.
I realized that I had been protecting something truly evil and the evil only got worse after I left staff. I had protected it out of love and now out of love I would do my best to undo as much of it as I could.
Again it wasn’t courage. And you two women who wanted to have my children, well girls that would now indeed be the immaculate conception as that ship has sailed. lol Oh well I guess we’ll just have to be friends.
And all those years I was in the GO I was friendly and loved people but I was also lonely for I could not be myself and could not find love for myself, as myself.
The best thing that would happen to me during my years inthe Guardian’s Office was meeting Sandy who would become my wife. Out of love and respect to her and my daughter I am not going to drag them into this thread and so I am going to leave out most of that part of my story.
But I will say this just in case Sandy ever reads this after I am gone. I have ALWAYS loved you and I am so sorry I could not be the man you deserved to have. I told you recently when we were with our daughter and granddaughter that my life would have sucked if you were not it in. And you said that was because I would not have had our daughter without her. And I said yes for sure but then we got interrupted. So let me finish here: my life would also have sucked if YOU were not in it not just counting our daughter. You are wonderful and you are beautiful and you are an amazing, loving person. My life is so much better because you gave me your love. And I will always love you.
And here was my ex wife and I shortly after we were married in 1978. Behind us is Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead, Sussex, England. At the time it was the home of GOWW but it was Hubbard’s home before that:
Was I good looking guy or what? lol If I were me then I would have...well...you know what with him.. But in that guy, was a little girl, filled with love and trying to find her way in a world where so many of good heart would be betrayed.
You know for all this “tough exterior” I was to have to try to put up my whole life and for all the things said about me and how “tough” I was, I was to break down in tears three times in this thread. One was after reading how so many of the girls here circled the wagons to support me. Another was when Emma said the girls from Australia would wrap me in purple cotton wood and protect me and Fixer said she would ride shotgun And the third was when JBWriter posted the video of the young girls just enjoying life together as young girls. They understood me. And with the above, this “big and tough” person cried and cried.
I would never in my life up to three or so years ago have girlfriends of me, justme, Denise. And I have wanted them so very, very badly all my life. And yet you offered me your friendship as above and in other examples on this thread.
You know I WILL stand by you and I will even die with you if needed. I will hold you, stroke your hair and tell you wondrous stories of Fae as we await the firing squad, but it will never be out of courage. It will always and only be out of love. And I have seen that kind of love in so many here.
And so, the next post will be about my final year and a half on staff where I was to see the evil I had been protecting, trying so hard to understand it and eventually not be able to even do my in basket, refusing to hurt another but knowing no way out of this hell.
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JBWriter
Happy Sapien
Dear Denise,
This is for you to hear because...it's never too late for kind, true words to pass among friends.
According to my mom*...
"Women sing lullabies to babies, but the best mamas sing this here 'cause it's th' plain truth, no varnish."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3mH3PWUBmI&list=UU0T2DtiR8wLjJQp745hBUaw&index=41
JB (*She prefers the term 'Empress of All Y'all an' Sundry' but we only use that when she's in the room.
)
This is for you to hear because...it's never too late for kind, true words to pass among friends.
According to my mom*...
"Women sing lullabies to babies, but the best mamas sing this here 'cause it's th' plain truth, no varnish."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3mH3PWUBmI&list=UU0T2DtiR8wLjJQp745hBUaw&index=41
JB (*She prefers the term 'Empress of All Y'all an' Sundry' but we only use that when she's in the room.
)
Gib
Crusader
Denise, you are one of the bravest people I know. I think there is a struggle that goes on in each and every one of us to understand who we really are. Most of us have a hard time reaching a point where we are comfortable with ourselves. Some of us will never get there. When it comes down to it, it's the question that defines how you live & how you behave. "Who am I" is the question that defines your life.
You have had to struggle with a burden a thousand times heavier than most of us will ever know. I've struggled badly at times with this question & I've never had to face gender issues or sexuality issues or any of the things that really matter. I've asked myself "what sort of a daughter am I?" and "What sort of a mother am I?" and "What sort of a wife am I?" but this is nothing compared to what you've had to go through.
I love you & admire you so very much.
You have had to struggle with a burden a thousand times heavier than most of us will ever know. I've struggled badly at times with this question & I've never had to face gender issues or sexuality issues or any of the things that really matter. I've asked myself "what sort of a daughter am I?" and "What sort of a mother am I?" and "What sort of a wife am I?" but this is nothing compared to what you've had to go through.
I love you & admire you so very much.
JustMe
Patron Meritorious
"Special Unit" existed to oversee and handle the most pressing external affairs matters of organized scientology that most affected, or could affect, L Ron Hubbard. It was shrouded in secrecy and its short history is covered in postings around the internet, many by myself.
Bottom line is that there was a Special Project or “All Clear Unit” run by David Miscavige that took over complete control of organized scientology by controlling the two real powers within it: The CMO and the GO. Special Project itself split into two areas: the Special Unit that would be a team ending up in scientology’s mother church corporately and another team still called “Special Project” that was to become Author Services Inc. (“ASI”) corporately. (Not that corporate ever meant anything when it came to running organized scientology and its affairs). I have many postings from back when I was “Larry” that showed how organized scientology was really controlled, some of which directly deal with Special Unit and Special Project. I just wanted to give you the above as the background to this part of my story. For those who would like to look into a long, early posting of mine about the real powers in scientology you can look at this thread from back in January 2007 when I had posted as “SME” on alt.religion.scientology:
https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgroups#!topic/alt.religion.scientology/Jq4yUF4qOL8
I will not be going into all of that here, just the bit that most affects this part of my story. (By the way a little side note, “SME” was my first secret “female name” on a scientology-related bulletin board or forum. It was short for “Sister Mary Euphrasia”).
Special Unit was based in Los Angeles. It consisted of an In Charge (Special Unit IC) which was like the Executive Director or Commanding Officer of a scientology organization. Secretly the Special Unit IC was also a member of the Watchdog Committee with a title of “WDC X”. Serving the IC was a secretary and an organizing officer.
And Special Unit was comprised of four divisions: Intelligence, Public Relations, Corporate and Litigation. The ones in charge of each division were called “Special Unit Intelligence Execution”, “Special Unit PR Execution”, “Special Unit Corporate Execution” and “Special Unit Litigation Execution”. Each had a small staff within their divisions of Special Unit and/or ran hand-picked staff from what was then left of the Guardians Office.
And there was another Special Unit staff member over the rest of the GO staff that the Execution executives did not need for their priorities. That was a “division” doomed to overwhelm and failure as for one thing it only had one person in it who was somehow supposed to oversee, if only strategically, all the units of the GO left around the world that the Execution Executives did not need for their own priorities. While this part of Special Unit had to oversee more than any other, it was really given the lowest priority then as it was to handle all that was left over that was not directly affecting Hubbard.
For some time there was no senior of Special Unit IC except that he was secretly run by David Miscavige based in ASI and secretly running organized scientology from there. The only other secret command channel into Special Unit would be a few other staff in ASI having direct, if unofficial, command lines into certain areas of Special Unit such as Norman Starkey into Litigation and Intelligence and Lyman Spurlock into Corporate. Often times it would be the person from ASI, and not Special Unit IC, directly meeting with their Special Unit counterparts on the most pressing matters involving Hubbard. This was most notable in Litigation and Intelligence.
When I was on the Corporate Sortout Missions in 1981 and early 1982, we were run by the Special Unit IC who at the time was Steve Marlow who knew nothing about corporate. I was not formally in the Special Unit then but rather in the Office of the Controller (soon to be disbanded) which was based for a while in Florida. After we successfully carried out the missions to reorganize corporate scientology I was awarded “power” for both missions and then got to go back to Florida where my wife and I preferred to live. But every week or two I had to fly back to Los Angeles to take over some legal follow-up to what the missions did such as maybe launching a new trust, some new contracts to be worked out that all the churches of scientology would have to sign, etc. Special Unit Corporate then was just not qualified to handle it so I was constantly called to do it.
So on one of my trips to handle some legal thing in Los Angeles I was told that I would have to stay in Los Angeles and become the Special Unit Corporate Execution as I was running the corporate area anyway. I absolutely refused to be away from my pregnant wife so I had to break the bad news to her on the phone that we both had to move to LA. She was in tears about it as she wanted to live in Florida and hated LA. I felt just as badly and wanted to cry too but I could not as I had to be “manly”. So once again “duty called” and we moved. I would never cry publically about this or other things when I was at this level of staff and tried very hard to put on a false front that I was a real man, the kind that “doesn’t cry” at least not publically.
And when I formally became staff in Special Unit, the postings in it were as follows:
Special Unit IC – Steve Marlowe
Special Unit Intel Execution – Geoff Shervelle
Special Unit PR Execution – Rudy Lowing (and under Rudy were Heber Jentzsch and his then wife who is now Karen de la Carriere)
Special Unit Corporate Execution – myself (and under me were Dan Feeley and my wife)
Special Unit Litigation Execution – Marty Rathbun
Special Unit GO Execution - Michelle Black
And the above point in 1982, at the end of my being “Special Unit Corporate Execution”, would be the end of the period I talked about in my last posting. The big change was that I was made Special Unit IC, a post I never wanted. As usual. I never wanted any position in the GO or Special Unit or even as an executive. I just wanted to be playing Frisbee out in the alley and be the HGC Admin and not hurting another as per an earlier posting in this thread.
Steve Marlowe was picked by Miscavige to go run our newly corporately set up Religious Technology Center (“RTC”) so he needed someone to be Special Unit IC and WDC X. It was either going to be me or Marty Rathbun and I wanted it to be Marty as I was comfortable in corporate where I was very good and knew more than anyone else in scientology. Marlowe was now posted at the secret scientology base in Hemet known as “Int”. And from there he called all of us at Special Unit and spoke to us by speaker phone. He announced that I was to be the new IC and he told Marty not to be upset. He said to Marty that LRH said never to promote the “chief registrar” to be the CO and Marty was over vital litigation and was in effect that “Chief Reg” that could not be promoted. To Marlowe that would soften what might otherwise be an insult or upset to Marty although I do not know if Marty felt that way anyway. I didn’t want it and I got it. Marty might have wanted it and he did not get it. Welcome to scientology at the top.
And it is at this exact point where I was to leave just being in the broader legal area we called “corporate” and protecting Hubbard and corporate scientology from there. And I was to be over those other areas about which I pretty much knew nothing.
Although I was to be over all those divisions, run musters and “battle planning”, give orders and the like, I was to “hobby horse” the corporate area of which I was familiar and comfortable and not have a problem with the fact that Miscavige and his staff were often day to day running Marty Rathbun and Geoff Shervelle and Rudy Lowing more so than was I. I had handled the pressing corporate matters that affected Hubbard and so the priorities now for ASI would focus just on litigation and the use of Intel and PR to support matters involving litigation directly and indirectly.
When I look back at it, it is amazing to me that anyone with my nature could be picked to run what would be such a unit at the top of organized scientology, when so much of the rest of the top was run in a much more strict, if cruel, way. I was to ask Marty Rathbun maybe three or four years ago if he ever saw me be really upset or harsh when I ran Special Unit and Marty said the worse he ever remembered from me was my disappointment in some battleplans. I don’t remember anything harsher in my nature then and even put in trips for pie and ice cream for the staff or weekly “movie nights” with video rentals and treats to be enjoyed in the Special unit conference room. It was more like running the “Keebler Elves” than a tough and sometimes brutal unit at the top of organized scientology.
It’s mind blowing to me that a person like me could be chosen to be over such a unit when I was not like any of the other WDC members.
Still there I was over it all, “Special Unit IC” and “WDC X”.
This posting will set the stage for my next posting which will cover my real experiences at the top, seeing the brutality of it and getting maybe 250 orders directly from Hubbard, seeing a side of him that the vast majority of scientology staff and public would not know. I had to post this bit separately to avoid this being an impossibly long posting. It is necessary to know this to understand what comes next.
Bottom line is that there was a Special Project or “All Clear Unit” run by David Miscavige that took over complete control of organized scientology by controlling the two real powers within it: The CMO and the GO. Special Project itself split into two areas: the Special Unit that would be a team ending up in scientology’s mother church corporately and another team still called “Special Project” that was to become Author Services Inc. (“ASI”) corporately. (Not that corporate ever meant anything when it came to running organized scientology and its affairs). I have many postings from back when I was “Larry” that showed how organized scientology was really controlled, some of which directly deal with Special Unit and Special Project. I just wanted to give you the above as the background to this part of my story. For those who would like to look into a long, early posting of mine about the real powers in scientology you can look at this thread from back in January 2007 when I had posted as “SME” on alt.religion.scientology:
https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgroups#!topic/alt.religion.scientology/Jq4yUF4qOL8
I will not be going into all of that here, just the bit that most affects this part of my story. (By the way a little side note, “SME” was my first secret “female name” on a scientology-related bulletin board or forum. It was short for “Sister Mary Euphrasia”).
Special Unit was based in Los Angeles. It consisted of an In Charge (Special Unit IC) which was like the Executive Director or Commanding Officer of a scientology organization. Secretly the Special Unit IC was also a member of the Watchdog Committee with a title of “WDC X”. Serving the IC was a secretary and an organizing officer.
And Special Unit was comprised of four divisions: Intelligence, Public Relations, Corporate and Litigation. The ones in charge of each division were called “Special Unit Intelligence Execution”, “Special Unit PR Execution”, “Special Unit Corporate Execution” and “Special Unit Litigation Execution”. Each had a small staff within their divisions of Special Unit and/or ran hand-picked staff from what was then left of the Guardians Office.
And there was another Special Unit staff member over the rest of the GO staff that the Execution executives did not need for their priorities. That was a “division” doomed to overwhelm and failure as for one thing it only had one person in it who was somehow supposed to oversee, if only strategically, all the units of the GO left around the world that the Execution Executives did not need for their own priorities. While this part of Special Unit had to oversee more than any other, it was really given the lowest priority then as it was to handle all that was left over that was not directly affecting Hubbard.
For some time there was no senior of Special Unit IC except that he was secretly run by David Miscavige based in ASI and secretly running organized scientology from there. The only other secret command channel into Special Unit would be a few other staff in ASI having direct, if unofficial, command lines into certain areas of Special Unit such as Norman Starkey into Litigation and Intelligence and Lyman Spurlock into Corporate. Often times it would be the person from ASI, and not Special Unit IC, directly meeting with their Special Unit counterparts on the most pressing matters involving Hubbard. This was most notable in Litigation and Intelligence.
When I was on the Corporate Sortout Missions in 1981 and early 1982, we were run by the Special Unit IC who at the time was Steve Marlow who knew nothing about corporate. I was not formally in the Special Unit then but rather in the Office of the Controller (soon to be disbanded) which was based for a while in Florida. After we successfully carried out the missions to reorganize corporate scientology I was awarded “power” for both missions and then got to go back to Florida where my wife and I preferred to live. But every week or two I had to fly back to Los Angeles to take over some legal follow-up to what the missions did such as maybe launching a new trust, some new contracts to be worked out that all the churches of scientology would have to sign, etc. Special Unit Corporate then was just not qualified to handle it so I was constantly called to do it.
So on one of my trips to handle some legal thing in Los Angeles I was told that I would have to stay in Los Angeles and become the Special Unit Corporate Execution as I was running the corporate area anyway. I absolutely refused to be away from my pregnant wife so I had to break the bad news to her on the phone that we both had to move to LA. She was in tears about it as she wanted to live in Florida and hated LA. I felt just as badly and wanted to cry too but I could not as I had to be “manly”. So once again “duty called” and we moved. I would never cry publically about this or other things when I was at this level of staff and tried very hard to put on a false front that I was a real man, the kind that “doesn’t cry” at least not publically.
And when I formally became staff in Special Unit, the postings in it were as follows:
Special Unit IC – Steve Marlowe
Special Unit Intel Execution – Geoff Shervelle
Special Unit PR Execution – Rudy Lowing (and under Rudy were Heber Jentzsch and his then wife who is now Karen de la Carriere)
Special Unit Corporate Execution – myself (and under me were Dan Feeley and my wife)
Special Unit Litigation Execution – Marty Rathbun
Special Unit GO Execution - Michelle Black
And the above point in 1982, at the end of my being “Special Unit Corporate Execution”, would be the end of the period I talked about in my last posting. The big change was that I was made Special Unit IC, a post I never wanted. As usual. I never wanted any position in the GO or Special Unit or even as an executive. I just wanted to be playing Frisbee out in the alley and be the HGC Admin and not hurting another as per an earlier posting in this thread.
Steve Marlowe was picked by Miscavige to go run our newly corporately set up Religious Technology Center (“RTC”) so he needed someone to be Special Unit IC and WDC X. It was either going to be me or Marty Rathbun and I wanted it to be Marty as I was comfortable in corporate where I was very good and knew more than anyone else in scientology. Marlowe was now posted at the secret scientology base in Hemet known as “Int”. And from there he called all of us at Special Unit and spoke to us by speaker phone. He announced that I was to be the new IC and he told Marty not to be upset. He said to Marty that LRH said never to promote the “chief registrar” to be the CO and Marty was over vital litigation and was in effect that “Chief Reg” that could not be promoted. To Marlowe that would soften what might otherwise be an insult or upset to Marty although I do not know if Marty felt that way anyway. I didn’t want it and I got it. Marty might have wanted it and he did not get it. Welcome to scientology at the top.
And it is at this exact point where I was to leave just being in the broader legal area we called “corporate” and protecting Hubbard and corporate scientology from there. And I was to be over those other areas about which I pretty much knew nothing.
Although I was to be over all those divisions, run musters and “battle planning”, give orders and the like, I was to “hobby horse” the corporate area of which I was familiar and comfortable and not have a problem with the fact that Miscavige and his staff were often day to day running Marty Rathbun and Geoff Shervelle and Rudy Lowing more so than was I. I had handled the pressing corporate matters that affected Hubbard and so the priorities now for ASI would focus just on litigation and the use of Intel and PR to support matters involving litigation directly and indirectly.
When I look back at it, it is amazing to me that anyone with my nature could be picked to run what would be such a unit at the top of organized scientology, when so much of the rest of the top was run in a much more strict, if cruel, way. I was to ask Marty Rathbun maybe three or four years ago if he ever saw me be really upset or harsh when I ran Special Unit and Marty said the worse he ever remembered from me was my disappointment in some battleplans. I don’t remember anything harsher in my nature then and even put in trips for pie and ice cream for the staff or weekly “movie nights” with video rentals and treats to be enjoyed in the Special unit conference room. It was more like running the “Keebler Elves” than a tough and sometimes brutal unit at the top of organized scientology.
It’s mind blowing to me that a person like me could be chosen to be over such a unit when I was not like any of the other WDC members.
Still there I was over it all, “Special Unit IC” and “WDC X”.
This posting will set the stage for my next posting which will cover my real experiences at the top, seeing the brutality of it and getting maybe 250 orders directly from Hubbard, seeing a side of him that the vast majority of scientology staff and public would not know. I had to post this bit separately to avoid this being an impossibly long posting. It is necessary to know this to understand what comes next.
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Purple Rain
Crusader
Oh, my goodness you have had a fascinating life! I did not know any of that stuff about the Special Unit or WDC X. That post title sounds like something out of Kaos in Get Smart or something Dr Claw would come up with in Inspector Gadget. It's kind of James Bondish. It is kind of amazing - it's so hard to believe that someone with your gentle nature could be chosen for that type of role. All I can say is thank goodness it was you. Imagine the damage that most people in that role could have done. You were saving people in a way by taking it on I would guess - but then I haven't heard the rest of the story yet so I am getting ahead of myself!
AnonyMary
Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
Our Denise Brennan, aka JustMe, formerly known as Lawrence 'Larry' Brennan, aka Lovinglife625,
denuser987 and SME, is one of the most important critics of scientology in the history of the internet
Her ebook alone speaks volumes about the history of Scientology, Hubbard, Miscavige and their corporate lies. It's a must read for everyone.
The Miscavige Legal Statements: A Study in Perjury, Lies and Misdirection.
BTW, Denise, I got a kick out of seeing this Brings back memories
Your old internet friend, Mary
denuser987 and SME, is one of the most important critics of scientology in the history of the internet
Her ebook alone speaks volumes about the history of Scientology, Hubbard, Miscavige and their corporate lies. It's a must read for everyone.
The Miscavige Legal Statements: A Study in Perjury, Lies and Misdirection.
BTW, Denise, I got a kick out of seeing this
Brings back memories Your old internet friend, Mary
JustMe
Patron Meritorious
.........
BTW, Denise, I got a kick out of seeing this
Your old internet friend, Mary
.
Oh my goodness Mary I remember that thread which resulted in my name as SME. lol
That was the first thread I started on ars and it was fun. Prior to then I was just posting on Mick’s private yahoo site for ex Sea Org members.
Oh and I do indeed remember you from back then fondly. You were lovely then as you are now.
And BTW Mary you have been such an extremely important critic for years. And you have helped many others and still are as you expose so much in scientology and its front groups and as you help so many others to be able to speak out.
And you might be the best researcher I have ever known.
I’m so lucky and so happy to have you as a friend.
sallydannce
Gold Meritorious Patron
Hi Denise,
I am around though very busy here in life, re-building a wonderful life.
So much of what you are sharing here resonates so beautifully with me (and I'm sure many many others too).
I wish there was a way to tell you how much your sharing of your story really means, how much it truly matters...
I find myself without words. All I have is this huge sense of love in my heart for you. I wish you could see my smile, the way my head bows in your direction with pure connection, respect and compassion.
My powerful sense of unconditional love extends to all who have been caught up in the cult of scientology and found their way out of it. It's a wild ride and I will live the rest of life grateful for the experience and the deep valuable lessons that such a journey brings.
I find myself basking in gratitude for all those that take the time and energy to "tell their story", go through the vulnerability that it takes and stand in the world imperfectly perfect.
Thank you Denise, thank you!
I am around though very busy here in life, re-building a wonderful life.
So much of what you are sharing here resonates so beautifully with me (and I'm sure many many others too).
I wish there was a way to tell you how much your sharing of your story really means, how much it truly matters...
I find myself without words. All I have is this huge sense of love in my heart for you. I wish you could see my smile, the way my head bows in your direction with pure connection, respect and compassion.
My powerful sense of unconditional love extends to all who have been caught up in the cult of scientology and found their way out of it. It's a wild ride and I will live the rest of life grateful for the experience and the deep valuable lessons that such a journey brings.
I find myself basking in gratitude for all those that take the time and energy to "tell their story", go through the vulnerability that it takes and stand in the world imperfectly perfect.
Thank you Denise, thank you!
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AnonyMary
Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
.
Oh my goodness Mary I remember that thread which resulted in my name as SME. lol
That was the first thread I started on ars and it was fun. Prior to then I was just posting on Mick’s private yahoo site for ex Sea Org members.
Oh and I do indeed remember you from back then fondly. You were lovely then as you are now.
And BTW Mary you have been such an extremely important critic for years. And you have helped many others and still are as you expose so much in scientology and its front groups and as you help so many others to be able to speak out.
And you might be the best researcher I have ever known.
I’m so lucky and so happy to have you as a friend.
((HUGGS)) and thank you
You've come a long way, Baby!! So proud of you!
Free Being Me
Crusader
For you Denise.
[video=youtube;LW7dHaBdaLA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW7dHaBdaLA[/video]
[video=youtube;LW7dHaBdaLA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW7dHaBdaLA[/video]
AnonyMary
Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
I read somewhere that this song called Reflection, from the film Mulan sung by Christina Aguilera, became the impetus of some with transgender conflict, leading them to make the changes and be who they were meant to be, despite the potential consequences. I can understand why. It is a very moving and powerful song about the pain and realization of not being able to see who one really is because one is trying to be something one innately isn't. I was reminded of what it might have felt been like for Denise before she took steps in the direction of her true being.
[video=youtube_share;scLvq9CKdLU]http://youtu.be/scLvq9CKdLU[/video]
Reflection Lyrics
Look at me you may think you see Who I really am but you'll never know me Every day it's as if I play a part Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I am now in a world where I Have to hide my heart and what I believe in But somehow I will show the world What's inside my heart and be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think and how we feel? Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time When will my reflection show who I am inside? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
__________________________________________________
[video=youtube_share;scLvq9CKdLU]http://youtu.be/scLvq9CKdLU[/video]
Reflection Lyrics
Look at me you may think you see Who I really am but you'll never know me Every day it's as if I play a part Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I am now in a world where I Have to hide my heart and what I believe in But somehow I will show the world What's inside my heart and be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think and how we feel? Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time When will my reflection show who I am inside? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
__________________________________________________
Purple Rain
Crusader
That was so very beautiful. The summer I first got back from America there was an unexpected explosion of butterflies. You'd be walking down a lane in the afternoon sunshine, when suddenly there'd be a cloud of orange and black butterflies dancing around you. I still remember my tall, slender daughter dressed all in white looking like a celtic princess with her long, dark wavy hair and the butterflies swirling all around her - and just the laughter that welled up from a spring of joy deep inside us - like mother nature had come out to play with us. I will never forget that - the summer of the butterflies. Everywhere you looked - all the time. Each summer I hope they will come back again, but you just see the odd one fluttering around the garden. It isn't the same.
[video=youtube;vvB4KiEE_FA]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvB4KiEE_FA[/video]
- Status
