Patron with Honors
i got confirmation today that my brother has decided to disconnect from me. where the rest of my family stands (my parents) is unknown at this point.
i'm so alone. i feel... so... alone. i dont even know what to think, my mind is like.. feels like its filled with cement and the only thought that's left is how much this hurts.
how do i deal with this? what am i supposed to do? feel? think??? i just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever and i cant even sleep. i cant do anything but cry.
i know.. logically.. i should just keep moving forward with my life, make the best of things and *know* that one day they'll come around. i cant wait 20 years to see my family again. my parents will be dead by then. will they ever truly understand my decision? will they ever fucking get it!?!? why is a religion so goddamn important!!!! more important than FAMILY!!!!!! these are the only people i've ever had, who i thought would be there always. i never took it for granted but having such a "stable datum" ripped away so easily is like waking up with no limbs. part of me is missing, and it feels like its gone forever.
how can i walk again? how can i even breathe again knowing the people i've loved my entire life have decided never to speak to me again?
i didn't even get the courtesy of a disconnection letter. nothing. i'm in so much pain, i've never felt anything like this. i dont know what i expect from writing this... just.. needed to do it. this seems like the only place anyone would understand what i'm going through. its better than sinking into my bed i suppose....
god... its not fair.