Disconnected and it feels like I'm dying

La La Lou Lou

It hurts when someone disconnects from you, I know, many of us have been through this.

All I can say is be patient, have faith in the bond between you and the ones you love, stay connected to those who will stay connected and eventually the disconnected will come round.

Blood is thicker than water in the end. Love is stronger than insane orders, and the cult will loose it's grip on the majority of once devout members.


Patron with Honors
If you go to Rediscover Scientology website, in the story of Tiziano Lugli, there is the statement of Robert Vaughn Young:
"IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLORADO - Civil Action No. 95-K-2143: Declaration of Robert Vaughn Young in Support of Defendant's Opposition to the Motion of Bridge Publications, Inc. for Summary Judgment Against all Defendants for Copyright Infringement. Subscribed and sworn to before me this day of February, 1997, Robert Vaughn Young.’

Section 29 of this affidavit reads:

“I have personal knowledge that material was written and issued under the name of L. Ron Hubbard that he did not author. While working at ASI, I personally wrote material to be issued under his name for several years. This ranged from simple messages to be sent to various organizational staff on events such as his birthday or a holiday, to my composing an entire large directive that was issued under his name. In these instances, they were done without his knowledge or consent. The directive that I wrote concerned the Scientology policy of ‘Disconnection’. The order to do this came from David Miscavige. Miscavige said that we had to reinstitute the Policy of Disconnection and that I was to write the policy for this. I wrote it and it went through several revisions. It was not sent to Hubbard for his approval, but was issued into the Church of Scientology. I might note that at the time I was not working for the Church of Scientology, but was working for a for-profit corporation.”

I am sorry to hear about the disconnection Sai.
Hang in there, your brother will find out later that the "Church" is fake.

Arthur Dent

Silver Meritorious Patron
I'm so sorry this is happening, Sai!
And I'm so glad you have a boyfriend and all the rest here.

I can say from experience that disconnection happens outside of scn. too. And it really hurts.

However, in scn. it is a more tangible reason and you are not left in mystery. You know it is brainwashing and you must know for certain that you cannot blame yourself and that this disconnection will come to an end with all the pressure being brought to bear on scn. and the awakening of many people.

Let your brother know that you love him and that you will never disconnect from him. Leave that door open a crack!

This is not just or fair. I just hope it's over soon and that you are reunited before long. :bighug:


Patron with Honors
The number one cruelty in Scientology is disconnection. In its sixty-year history disconnection has literally destroyed hundreds of thousands of family relationships.

Sai, Anonymous is fighting for you, and I hope we see the end of this soon.

I want to recommend an excellent resource that I think is far too little known or used by ex-Scientologists: the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA).

It would be more accurate to call it the "International Cult Survivors Association". It is a large network of therapists Licensed Clinical Social Workers and academics who work with survivors of all sorts of cults. Most of them practice disconnection and ICSA will understand what you are going through.

ICSA frequently sponsors gatherings for cult survivors to talk with each other and gain the group support they need.


You can call or email Michael Langone, who is a psychologist, and he can help guide you.

ICSA - International Cultic Studies Association
P.O. Box 2265
Bonita Springs, FL 34133
Phone: 239.514.3081
Fax: 305.393.8193
e-mail: [email protected]


how do i deal with this? what am i supposed to do? feel? think???

You have found the right place to start with. Stay in touch. People at this forum care and listen.

Suppose he would connect again. Wouldn't the pain disappear immediately? Simply because you said so. At the end of the day you are in control of your own feelings. Only you can take the pain away.


Ordinary Human
Sorry that you are suffering so much. Try to be optimistic and keep in touch with people here. Things are changing very quickly, and your situation could improve any day. Keep believing in the good. Good luck.

Smilla xx


Master of Disaster
thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.. i talked to my dad briefly today and he told me my brother has disconnected and that he would talk to me tomorrow. so i will find out whats happening with my parents tomorrow....


i am lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend that i met through here in fact.. i love him and i know he is here for me. i dont know how i could do this alone. i dont know how i could do this without esmb...

i miss my family.. more than ever now.
My advice: spend some quality time with your boyfriend this week. Do stuff, hang out, etc. What will be is what will be.

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
well i'm still alive so it hasn't killed me yet...

this is so hard for me, i'm glad i can come here and talk, and i appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts. it kind of gets me out of my own head.

i haven't heard from them yet but soon. at this point i feel almost apathetic, whatever happens happens and nothing i can do about it. i just hope that when the chance comes to actually talk to one of them, i'll have the courage to say whats really on my mind.

i went for a walk earlier, i dont know if it helped, i think it did a little bit. i took my ipod with me and just sorta drowned out the thoughts with loud music, but it seemed like every song was written for them. everywhere i look i'm reminded of how things used to be.

part of me is so angry and frustrated, and i guess thats a step up from crying my eyes out, though i'm still doing that a bit. i know things will get better, i just wish i didn't have to feel this way in the meantime, you know?


Silver Meritorious Patron
Missing loved ones ---Hug from me

My anger at disconnection is what brought me here. It is what keeos me here and protesting. I work every day to be a somebody and also to enjoy my freedom and my communion with life.
I can't describe to anyone who has not experienced it the pain of losing connection with three kids I raised.
But I can tell the world and show the evil that is Scientology.
Find the greatist thing you can to pray to and reconnect to that.

pm if you want

I think we need songs and poems and plays and movies and such about this.
Express yourself.


Patron with Honors
So sorry this is going on in your life Sai. There are many here that have been through what you are going through and can give their support.

Although it may be difficult, try not to fret over this. In the past year I know of several people who had family members that had disconnected years ago, suddenly reconnect with them.

Keep your attention and intention on what you want to happen - ie: think of having wonderful communication with your loved ones.

Last edited:

Blue Spirit

Silver Meritorious Patron
Good Advice

So sorry this is going on in your life Sai. There are many here that have been through what you are going through and can give their support.

Although it may be difficult, try not to fret over this. In the past year I know of several people who had family members that had disconnected years ago, suddenly reconnect with them.

Keep your attention and intention on what you want to happen - ie: think of having wonderful communication with your loved ones.

Good advice from a good lady.

Also take longer walks. Walk all day and exhaust yourself to sleep well.
Buy some real good shoes, or blisters will happen.
Find a walking partner. Walk where you have long vistas.
Look as you walk, get interested in the details of what you see.

Go skydiving. It is very safe and will take your mind off of things guaranteed,
bring you up to exhilaration, and you will have a video of yourself to watch
anytime to relive the experience.


Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
Now, I'm confused here. Didn't you get a formal disconnection letter from your family back in December? You posted the following here on ESMB on I think Dec 18, 2009. Did you get back together with them after you received this letter?


"i just got a formal disconnection letter from my family.

this is so wrong. the things it said about me.. so wrong.. :'("


I'm confused, too.
I'm also confused on why I cannot find any reply to your post.


Gold Meritorious Patron
The family disconnected while Sai was routing off staff as a coercion tactic for completing the leaving staff r/f, but then reconnected. (It was a stupid move as already disconnecting gave Sai no motivation for completing the r/f. Dumbasses.)

In any case, the prior letter wasn't from Sai's brother.


Patron Meritorious

when somebody 'disconnects' from you they are just stopping their communication, but you will still be in their thoughts.
For me disconnection is a sign of insecurity, as a true believer of something wouldnt be bothered what view another person had.
In everyday-life we are dealing with people who have different views to us.
In our case with have chosen to voice our opinion about something, and it doesn't suit them, in fact makes them insecure, but as already said is a sign that they have their doubts too in my opinion.
All more reason to keep you heart open toward them and act as though they hadn't disconnected, maybe not by phoning them and confronting them, but by getting on with your life and being happy and successful, which is the best 'Entheta'.
If they see you are sad and feeling down, it will further explain how you are just disappearing down the 'dwindling spiral' they said you would.

I find gardening such a nice way of getting my thoughts elsewhere, and I truly believe we are all spiritually connected, so how about still having nice thoughts about them and thinking of how you love them.
Disconnection is not really them speaking, and it takes two to disconnect too, doesn't it.
Leave your heart and your door open to them:yes:

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Hang in there is the best advice.

I look at it as not really a personal issue anymore, although God knows I used to. The thing is that for someone close to disconnect they have to not see you....they are cutting connection with a someone who is NOT you. Sadly of course they think otherwise, in fact they have to so they are able to disconnect. You become a 'something'....labelled and packaged as prescribed ... such as "PTS" "SP" "degraded" blah blah.

Just as it took a while for most of us to wake up, the optimistic view is that the disconnected ones still have that road to travel. And travel it one day they will, and we will be here.

I really understand how you feel and I have shed many tears for the wasted years, the life events and so on. Although there is a grieving process, it's also good to let it go as well, do the best for yourself and don't FOR ONE MINUTE buy the crap you have been packaged up to be as far as scientology goes, OK? Keep posting.


Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
The family disconnected while Sai was routing off staff as a coercion tactic for completing the leaving staff r/f, but then reconnected. (It was a stupid move as already disconnecting gave Sai no motivation for completing the r/f. Dumbasses.)

In any case, the prior letter wasn't from Sai's brother.

OK, but she said "family". Why couldn't Sai say what you just posted for herself? Just curious.


Formerly Fooled - Finally Free
Hi Sai,

Try to keep in mind that love has nothing to do with disconnection, it just doesn't, and you should try not to look at this as if your family does not love you. What happens, and I know this from having been disconnected from and from having disconnected from others while a scientologist, it that fear drives the decision. Fear of retribution. Fear of questioning what is being mandated. Scientologists may say that eternity is the reason but that's not true because they are clueless as to what that means. It's fear of disconnection and losing standing with the church and with the majority of those they feel obligated to abide by. And that fear is so automatic, so indoctrinated, that the person is not even thinking logically or rationally.

Because of this indoctrination and group agreement, the one being disconnected from is reduced to a concept of nothingness - of something without value in the grand scheme of things because thetans, by Scientology definition, are nameless, formless entity who does not have feelings (HE&R). Thetans come back, they think. Thetans get new bodies, they think. Thetans who are considered entheta and 'not handle-able' must be dispensed with now until they conform. Dedicated Scientologists are the most jaded people I have ever met. When a person dies, human grief is suppressed because 'it's just a body' and 'he/she willl come back' .... suicide is not uncommon because it wipes away the penalties for present life 'overts' or crimes committed or an ' illegal pc status'.

What you have to do is recognize that your family does this because they do not know what they do, in the broadest sense. They still need your love, your hope, your forgiveness and your devotion because they lack the ability to draw out these essential human qualities on their own.

Anything you do ( and this goes for anyone in a situation where they are trying to prevent permanent disconnection) to try and change their mind must include awareness of these things if you are to be able to handle the overflow of emotions they are lacking. Little things like showing love when met with that nothingness, using 'ARC' when they aren't, small talk that bridges them to the past, when things were well in the relationship, gratitude for what the person has done right instead of focusing on what the person has done wrong. This gives you the power over the situation. Even if it means sending postcards weekly with notes that show you are thinking of them.... But to try and force logic where none can be accepted, is to further force separation. That is the mechanism that keeps disconnection in place. This is not about you getting agreement on what you believe. It's about keeping a connection of Love, and what you want is to keep that love in sight despite all reasons not to love that may present themselves.

Remember that the mind-set of your family is an illusion they have bought and it can crumble alot faster than it took to create. I know. I have experienced this and I have repaired some of the relationships I disconnected from when I was in as soon as the wall crumbled. Not all, but most of the relationships. With one, it's an ongoing process of locating and connecting with the loved one. I have learned to not give up because I was once the victim and the perpetrator of disconnection. So, be patient. Pray. Never worry. Never consider it a done deal. Love them regardless. This is about your integrity and your integrity to your family. Reconnection can only happen when someone leaves the door open and does not get sucked into thinking there is no hope. When a scientologist wakes up, it has a snowball effect. It just takes 1 moment of awareness to open up the eyes of a scientologist to more. Never give up hope.

I wish you the best.

Mary McConnell
Last edited:


You haven't lost your parents yet....maybe they won't disconnect from you....it doesn't always happen that family members disconnect just because they are told to do so. Your brother will come back to you when he sees the truth.

The church won't be around for long, and when it goes down there won't be any more disconnection policy.

It's a waiting game.

Sorry you have to experience this. :console:


I agree, it will take time. But u need to be patient. For me, I only had friends disconnect me, and yes I felt really bad, until I understood that at the end it was their loss. But they will come our ways eventually, so that makes me happy.

Voltaire's Child

Fool on the Hill
It's emotional blackmail and I'm so so very sorry that you've been subjected to that. It's not easy and it sucks. But...you cannot please all the people all the time and you can't compromise yourself every time someone pushes.

If it helps any, you do have many people here who support you, including myself.

Keep in contact with whichever family members you can and if you ever need anything, you know we're here.

In case you ever need another person (among your many supporters and friends here) to whom to talk, my number is 206-938-3307.